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The visit

Note: All of this really happened . And The only thing that isn't true is that all of friends names mentioned in the story are not there real names of my friends . I did this to keep them anonymous.)
May 25th 2019
This weekend my mom forced me to go on a campout I didn't want to go on and don't get me wrong I love camping and backpacking and hiking but this campout my mom was forcing me to go on none of my friends were going and I would be on the camp staff helping really annoying 5-7 year olds. Which resulting me in complaining on why I don't want to be here and my mom responds with "If you complain to me I'll complain to you about driving you to visit your father"and I felt so much pain when my mom spoke those words and I responded with "that's different and my mom argues back "I don't care" and I don't know what to say feeling so much emotional pain so I continue doing what I was doing and then me and my mom head back to the cabin and go to sleep.
May 26th 2019
When I wake up I still feel hurt from my moms argument from the night before but the good thing is that me and my mom will visit my dad today at noon and I feel so excited and me and my mom get dressed and pack all of our stuff and take it out of the cabin into the car and then me and my mom get in the car and my mom drives for 2min to the main camp and get some breakfast and continue our paracord work and at noon me and my mom get in the car and drives for 10min to get some lunch and after that my mom drives to my dads place and when we get to the cemetery I buy some flowers and after getting some help to find my dad's place we finally find  his final resting place and I get some alone time with him and I say with overwhelming emotions and tears  "hey dad it's been a while since I been to this place and I wish you were still here It should've been me" I barely get the words out choking on my tears I continue to say with tears running down my face "I don't think I could do this with out you dad, I don't think I can be the man you would want me to be. I don't think life is worth living anymore. I say overwhelmed with sadness and anger because death took him to soon and Wishing it took me instead. I am balling with tears as I continue " I'm so sorry dad you probably hate me at this point and you know the one thing I wanted more then anything as long as I can remember Was that I wanted my dad in my life and I would do anything to make that happen and I would do anything to hear your voice or to see you again even if it was only for a minute. I said tears dripping down my face cheek and overwhelmed with sadness as I remember all the time I spent with my father. Then I continue to say " dad I wish you could meet my friends you really would've loved them there so caring and trustworthy and they are the greatest friends I could've asked for. Especially the girl I'm in love with and her name is Sara she is kind, selfless, loyal, brave,thoughtful,strong,beautiful and caring she is the kindest, the most beautiful and the most selfless and loyal and brave person I have ever met she can make me smile even if all I feel is sadness,anger and grief. She is the best person I know but she will never feel the same way ever and I have to accept that and just be a great friend to her and I know that it will work and that I will accept that because It has to work because if it doesn't then I can't be in her life anymore and you know dad My girlfriend dumped me on the same day I learned about your death.so I have the worst luck with the ladies and I love you dad I always have and always will " I say overwhelmed with sadness and anger. I get up and ask my mom if she wants to say a few words and she says yes and she goes to his grave and has some private words that I will never know and after that me and my mom walk back to the car and as My mom drives the car away from the cemetery I feel a bit more at peace knowing that I will be back and with a few tears falling down my cheek I now that if he was still here he would say "I love you son" and I know that he will always be with me as I hold my dad's dog tags that are around my neck knowing that one day I will see him again. And I smile knowing that.

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