I JUST ACCIDENTALLY PUBLISHED MY CHAPTER WITH ONESHOT IDEAS FOR A FEW SECONDS AND I ALMOST DIED

I never write sad things but this is slightly sad???? Maybe. lmao, need me them happy endings.

Was gonna publish this sooner but was too lazy to read through it lol

Summary: Logan was confused, until he was not. Then it was Virgil's turn to be confused while Logan was sad.

--

Logan had been so confused for the longest of times and then... well, then he understood. After a few weeks of late night google searches, carefully phrased questions about emotions to Patton, reading Wikipedia articles until he falls asleep on the keyboard, even reading what people has written on Yahoo Answers. And Logan hated Yahoo Answers, most of the people there have no idea what they're talking about. They were, what Virgil would say, clueless morons. But he was desperate for answers. Answers to the questions he barely knew how to ask.

He was always good at learning new things. That Logan knows for sure. He's good at learning and he always had the right answers. When Thomas or one of the other sides have a question about something he was the one they turned to for an explanation. But this time, this time he didn't have the answers. And that had made him feel ...insignificant. If he wasn't able to explain what was going on, then the others would not look at him for answers, and that was against his purpose. He is Logic, he's supposed to have all the answers.

And that's why the feelings of relief were the first he felt when he finally did figure it out. The fear came later, together with worry and nervousness, when he tried to come up with something to do about it. And that's when Logan understood that this was the hard part. Understanding what he felt for the other side was step one, doing something about it was step two.

So Logan looked down at his notebook, the pages full of marks, scribbles and short notes from when he was working on what he called step one, with a sigh. He had read through his writings on this subject so many times that he almost could read it out without looking at the paper. But he decided that reading it one more time couldn't hurt, just to be completely sure that what he had concluded from all his data was correct. Because something in Logan wanted his realization to be wrong. And that something was the fear, that came with worry and nervousness.

But of course Logan knew that the answer he had found was the correct one, and there was nothing that could make him believe otherwise, even if he wanted to. Logic won over fear, logic won over the worry and the nervousness. And parts of him hated it. He wished he hadn't figured it out, he wished he was still a clueless moron. Because it was easier, that's why. And Logan was a coward. A scared, worrying and nervous coward. A coward who wished that the answer to these questions were easy. Easy to figure out, and easy to act upon. Sadly they were the opposite of that and there was nothing Logan could do about it. He just had to suck it up and decide if he was actually going to do something about it.

Parts of him said no. It seemed easier to pretend that it was nothing. Delude himself into ignoring it, deny everything. There was nothing he could do about it anyways, he shouldn't do something that could possibly screw up the close friendship they had. The one he had worked so hard on, and didn't want to lose now. But the other part of him, that wasn't ruled by his fear said yes. It said go for it. He needed to tell him. It will be worse if he bottled it up and hid that part of himself away.

So Logan was conflicted. He was rarely conflicted. He hated being conflicted. He hated questions that didn't have a clear answer. He's supposed to have all the answers. But he didn't. Not this time. Not when it came to this. So he spent some days researching about that too. Just in case. In case he decided to do something about it, act on his feelings. He wanted the possibility to go with either of the two answers he had settled on. Either do something, or don't. So he needed to learn how to do something about it. Just in case.

And of course when Logan decides to find something out, he wants to know as much as possible. He wants to know everything there is to know. Because he truly loves learning new things. Understanding the world around him and how it works is wonderful. And now he has realized that he also needs to understand the people around him and how they work. And how he himself worked. Because even if he likes to pretend that he doesn't have any icky emotions, he still does.

They're there and to function he needs to understand them. He should have studied these emotions and how people react to them ages ago, but he never thought it'd be of any use. Until now. So that is what he does. He tries to learn as much as he can about emotions and how people handle them while he's also searching for the answer to his internal conflict.

It even went so far that he asked Patton for advice. Asking Roman was immediately ruled out, he was probably going to exaggerate his answer and confuse Logan more. And he was not sure he wanted Roman to know any of this, he might tell someone else. He wasn't very tempted to as Thomas. So Patton it was. Patton was an expert when it came to nice gestures and making people feel loved and valid. He must be able to help. And to Patton he had gone. Patton had of course made a joke about how 'the tables had turned' the second that Logan had said that he had a question. Logan had stared blankly at him before just telling him his question. There was no reason to drag out on it, he wanted a quick reply.

Logan's question was along the lines of "If you cared about someone, what should you do? And how do you tell them?" And that was what he told Patton, who seemed to notice that it was a serious question. Logan is grateful that Patton decided to come with a serious reply. Even though Patton mostly said things that Logan already had read many times on blogs and articles on the internet it was nice to have them confirmed. If Patton said it was a genuine caring gesture then it was probably confirmed from experience and that's just what Logan wanted, answers backed up with facts and positive results. He had gotten what he came for and decided it was enough, Patton had came with many examples on how to express emotion and/or how to confess ones feelings for another person. So he thanked him for the help and started to leave. But before Logan left Patton grabbed his arm to keep him in place.

"Just make sure that the person you care about knows it. Be careful though, make sure you don't get hurt in the process." He said, and Logan wasn't entirely sure what he meant with that or what he was supposed to do with the information so he just nodded, pretending that he did in fact know what Patton was talking about.

"Don't worry, I'm Logic, I don't get hurt." He had replied before sinking out of the room quickly so Patton wouldn't have time to tell him that he was wrong or start to ask loads of questions about who Logan could possibly want to express feelings for. That was something he wasn't ready to admit out loud. Not yet. He rarely dared to even think about it even though his mind pressed him too, it was hard to avoid. His thought always centered around Virgil, he could try to distract himself but always found himself thinking of the other side. It was inevitable. Whatever he was currently occupied doing his mind seemed to still find a way to connect what he was doing to Virgil. He had tried to stop it from happening, it made research and learning so much harder. He wasn't used to having such awful concentration.

Though he didn't really mind it because have you seen Virgil's smile? It's a rare thing to see as Virgil always tries to hide all his emotions, but if you pay attention you might see him smile. Every time Virgil realized he smiled he looked down at his feet in an attempt to hide it and it only lasts for maybe a second before he forced his normal expression of boredom back on his face. Though Logan seemed to always see it. And how he lighted up when Logan had told Virgil he did good during the debate? Honestly, Logan just wished Virgil himself would see how amazing he was.

Logan flinched as a notification on his phone brought him back to reality. He hadn't even realized he had zoned out again.

Why his mind had decide to develop feelings for the anxious side he guess he could understand, Virgil was extraordinary in so many ways. But why his mind thought it necessary to think of him constantly Logan couldn't understand the point of. It both frustrated him and uplifted him. It was frustrating because of his inability to focus on other things (which didn't stop him from learning, but it slowed him down tremendously). And it was uplifting because thinking about Virgil made a rush of hormones stimulate his brain into thinking that everything was amazing. Apart from the times that it made him anxious that is.

Logan does see the irony in Virgil, the embodiment of anxiety, making him feel anxious. It does not amuse him very much though, it makes him doubt if it would be a very good idea to confess his feelings to him. Logan had had many moments of almost deciding on what to do, just for him to realize something else that made him rethink his options once again. It took him about three more days to finally settle for option two, actually expressing his feelings towards Virgil. Though it turned out it's really hard to find a moment which feels right to do so. And to be honest, Logan was a bit scared of the response he'd get from Virgil.

The problem was that he had no idea how Virgil felt about him. He knew they were friends, Logan had gotten closer to Virgil than to any of the other sides. Virgil did always seem to be more relaxed around him. And it was easy for them to talk to each other. Roman was too dramatic to keep a normal conversation going with. Patton told a dad joke every time he opened his mouth and that drove Logan up the wall. Virgil was... calmer. And he listened to what Logan had to say. And Virgil trusted Logan. He trusted him enough to come to Logan when he had an anxiety attack. Logan had never known how often Virgil was having those attacks before that, but now he was aware that they happened quite a lot and how he could help. He didn't want to lose that trust now.

But Logan had made up his mind, he was going to tell Virgil about how he felt. It had only been a few weeks since he had started to realize his feelings towards the other trait but it was unbearable to not tell anyone. Feelings really wasn't his thing. He had gotten many different tips on how to deal with feelings of this sort, but all blogs and sites he had visited to read on agreed on one thing, it was never good to hide your emotions away, that would only end up hurting you. So he was going to voice them.

If he could just find a good opportunity to say it. He didn't want to do it when Patton or Roman were around, that was completely excluded. Having them hearing what he was saying would only stress him, and probably Virgil too. No, he wanted to talk to Virgil in private. This was something that concerned only the two of them, so it made the most sense to talk to Virgil when he was alone in his room. Now if Logan wasn't so horribly nervous... He didn't actually know how Virgil would react at all.

But what was the worst thing that could happen? Logan had asked himself that question many times during the last few weeks. He guessed the worst thing was to be rejected by him. But he failed to understand why that would hurt him so much. It wouldn't change things? If Virgil didn't feel the same way, would it not just keep going like it currently was?

He had of course read a lot about people being rejected by the person they had feelings for and it was always described as horrible and painful. But Logan had managed just fine so far with having his feelings unanswered. Would it really hurt so much? The facts stated that it did indeed hurt that much but Logan couldn't imagine it. So he didn't. Though Logan should probably not trust his instinct too much when it comes to emotions since he doesn't have a lot of experience in that area.

It was approximately half an hour left until Patton would call on them to eat dinner, that he knew because Patton makes dinner every Tuesday and Sunday and he always had dinner ready by 6 pm. After dinner they were going to have a movie night and watch Disney until they got too tired to focus on the movies. So now he had time to talk to Virgil. He was stood outside of Virgil's room, contemplating how he was going to tell him about how he felt. It would probably be for the best to be a bit blunt. He didn't want Virgil to misunderstand him.

Logan knocked on the door, awaiting either a verbal response from Virgil or him opening the door. He waited for a while, nothing happened so Logan guessed that he was either sleeping or listening to loud music in his headphones. By hanging out with Virgil regularly he had learned that sometimes it takes a while before Virgil notices that someone is knocking on the door. Logan knocked again, a bit louder this time. After a few seconds the door opened, revealing a tired looking Virgil with his headphones on. When he saw that it was Logan who wanted a word with him he took them off, so that he would hear what he had to say. Logan could clearly hear music coming from them and he once again worried for Virgil's ears. Listening to music that loud just couldn't be beneficial in the long run. Logan cleared his throat before speaking up.

"I wish to speak to you about a serious matter." Logan said, sounding slightly hesitant but now he couldn't go back. He had promised himself he'd do this, and he wasn't going to back out now. Virgil waved at him to enter his room and closed the door behind him when Logan came inside. Virgil sat down on his messy bed, how one of his pillows had gotten to the foot of the bed Logan could not understand. Then again, once when he visited Virgil's room all of his covers had been on the floor so Logan doesn't know why he's even surprised.

Logan stayed a meter or two away from the bed, leaving some distance between them. He looked right at the other side, Virgil was fiddling with a piece of thread that sticks out from his shirt sleeve. Logan fixed his tie and pushed his glasses back up, they had slid down on his nose a little bit. He was more nervous than he had thought he'd be. He opened his mouth but realized he never did decide on what he was going to say, so he closed it again. He hummed a bit.

"Well, you see, I have attained these feelings..." He finally says, forcing himself to look up at Virgil. He has an eyebrow arched, he looks surprised. Logan can understand that. He is logic after all, and logic should not be able to be clouded by emotion. The other sides were meant to have these kinds of emotions, not him. Logan should have the logical answer to everything, not the answer based off of emotions and feelings.

"Romantic feelings that is. And before you say anything, yes I am sure that what I am experiencing is indeed of that kind. And I'm telling you this because- because you're the one that I... that I- ...I really like you." Logan manages to stutter out. He was worse at this than he had thought he would be. He realized that he was once again staring down at the floor of Virgil's room. Apparently his body responded to his nervousness by refusing to meet peoples eyes.

He decides to quickly glance up at the other side to see if he could read something of his facial expression. If Logan trusted his knowledge about how facial expressions and feelings were linked he'd have sworn he saw fear in Virgil's eyes but it was gone so quickly that Logan might have imagined it. Now it looked more like Virgil tried to hide any emotion he might feel, leaving a neutral and a bit cold expression on his face. Logan knew Virgil well enough to see when he put his walls up. Virgil was quiet for a few seconds and then he looked up and his eyes met Logan's.

"W-well what do you want me to do about that?" Virgil said, his face dark red and his hands gripping the sheets of his bed tightly. Virgil looked down, staring persistently at his feet.Logan flinched slightly at his words. He had actually not thought a lot about the possibility of a bad response and what he'd do if that happened. He felt a tightness in his chest. He suddenly felt very vulnerable to Virgil's cold eyes and small in comparison to him.

"I'm sorry, I'm- I-" The words stumbled over each other and Logan had a hard time expressing what he wanted to have said. He wasn't even sure what he wanted to have said at this point. The other side seemed to have less trouble with knowing what to say, at least from Logan's point of view.

"Please leave." Virgil said, his voice steady compared to Logan's own which he didn't trust to use at his moment. If Logan hadn't been so distressed during this moment he'd have noticed that Virgil was notably anxious, but he was too busy holding himself together to observe that that was just what Virgil was doing as well. This situation, if anything, helped Logan understand how it felt to be anxious.

Logan sank out of the room before he had the time to say something that would make the situation worse. Before leaving the room entirely he heard Virgil mumble something but what he had said Logan couldn't hear. He sank down so quickly to his own room that he lost his balance as he landed and fell towards the floor. He stopped the fall with his hands and stood up, feeling a bit lightheaded and shaken up. He should definitely have prepared himself more before he decided to confess to his feelings. What was he thinking? Apparently all logic flew out the window when faced with feelings like these. Logan groaned. This had been a bad idea. He'd be feeling much better now if he had ignored these feelings from the beginning and not even tried to learn what they were.

Logan also realized that he had been wrong, it did hurt. A lot actually. He should have trusted the facts he had found on the internet, why had he decided to trust his own instinct instead? He knew he had limited knowledge about all of this. His throat was aching and so was his chest. Breathing was harder than usual, his throat didn't really want to let the air in. He rested his head against his hand, trying to make sense of what just had happened. Logan looked at the palm of his hand, it was wet. From tears, his tears. Logan was surprised, he really hadn't expected this to make him cry. He was Logic, he wasn't supposed to cry. But then again, neither was he supposed to have romantic feelings for any of the other sides. Apparently he was full of surprises, even to himself.

He used a pillow from his bed to dry his tears with but it frustrated him that there seemed to just show up more water in his eyes so he threw the pillow across the room and it flopped down on the floor a few meters away. Logan had a weird desire to lie down on the floor too, but that would be terribly uncomfortable so he just crawled up in his bed instead and laid face down on top the soft fabrics. He had a horrible feeling in his stomach and a voice in the back of his head that told him that he had screwed everything up. He had gotten so close to Virgil, why couldn't he just have settled with their friendship, why did he try to initiate something more? Just because his mind spent ages thinking about Virgil and his smile and how he looks when he concentrates on something and how small compliments makes him light up or how he tended to always sit next to Logan when the sides were all gathered or imagining how his skin would feel under his lips- yeah that seemed to be a good place to interrupt his thoughts.

Logan sighed deeply into his mattress. He'd made a lot of choices lately that had led up to this and he wished that he could change every single one of them. Having feelings for someone was not fun at all. Tv series and books always made it seem wonderful. But, Logan realized, it was just complicated. He could hear someone open the door to his room so he rolled over on his back and sat up.

"Dinner is ready- hey Logan are you okay?" Patton said, looking slightly concerned as he studied Logan. Logan suspected that he looked a bit like a mess, not as much of a mess as he felt, but noticeable. His shirt was probably wrinkly and his eyes might be a bit red from his involuntary crying. Logan smoothed down his hair in an attempt to look less disheveled. He doubted that his try to fix himself up helped in any way, it probably made him look like he was trying to hide that he was a mess. Which was exactly what he did try to do, but that's beside the point.

"Oh, yeah I'm fine," Logan said the lie with a small smile. He really didn't feel like answering any questions or explaining why he was feeling the way he did. But he could see in Patton's eyes that he didn't believe him at all, Logan must really suck at lying if Patton doesn't even believe him. "I'm not feeling very hungry right now, I'll grab something to eat later." He said to try to reassure Patton that everything was splendid. It didn't work. Patton looked at him suspiciously before, to Logan's relief, apparently deciding to let it go and not ask about it.

Patton instead stepped into the room and pulled Logan into a hug that lasted a few seconds before he told Logan that if he ever wanted to talk about it he was there for him. Logan didn't doubt for a second that he was honest about it. If anyone could understand emotions like these it'd be Patton. He was the one who had to deal with most of Thomas emotions, so he probably had some experience.

And then Patton left Logan alone again and Logan closed the door behind him so that he was alone in his room without the risk of anyone peeking in through the door. He was surprisingly tired and decided that the best thing to do was probably to take a nap. Maybe some sleep would ease the feelings of dread that he was experiencing. At least it would silence the voice in his head that told him that he had screwed up a nice friendship. Logan doubted that Virgil would want to spend time alone with him now. Especially considering the way he reacted to Logan's confession.

--

Written: 19th & 20th January 2018
Published: 6th March 2018
Words: 4238

Hmmm I wonder how long I will wait before uploading the second part... probably the normal 3-5 days

Honesty I'm really proud over this so I hope y'all enjoy reading it! :D

Boy, I did badly on my English presentation today :/