Summary: finding out about asexuality can be relieving, 

Warnings: insecurity, thinking something is wrong with oneself, doubt, fear, logan is worried boi, asexual logan, mentions of society's aphobic standards

long since asexual awareness week now but who cares, I'll write ace logan anytime

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"Logan, hey, um, what's up?" Virgil said and sat down on the couch. Logan let his eyes roam over Virgil for a second, noticing how his sleeves were pulled down over his hands, noticing that Virgil was staring at the tv across the room from where they were sitting rather than looking at Logan, noticing how he worried his bottom lip between his teeth.

"I am well, but I can tell that there is something you wish to say, so I suggest that we shift our focus to whatever it is that you are anxious to tell me." Logan said.

"You read me like a fucking book, you nerd." Virgil said, tilting his head back and giving Logan a look of what could only be described as fondness and Logan's heart felt as if it did a weird skip in his chest. Virgil sighed when he realized Logan was waiting for him to continue.

"Okay then, I'll talk, I'm just not the best at this." He said with a roll of his eyes and a sigh. He was quiet for another long moment, looking as if he might be contemplating whether it was possible to escape the room or not.

"So, I might've been having these feelings for you for a while and, if you'd like to, then maybe we could go... grab a coffee, or something to eat, some day." Virgil said with a shy and wobbly smile that was unlike him he always acted so edgy (perhaps to hide his anxiety), and Logan had to take a steadying breath as he understood the words and their meaning.

Oh no, oh no.

"I don't know if... if that would be the best idea." Logan said, staring out in the room and wondering if he was actually insane, telling his crush he did not want to go on a date with him, but it would simply be foolish to accept, no matter however much he'd like to. Virgil let out a slow breath and when Logan looked at him he noticed how he was staring down on his hands.

"That's fine, I hadn't really expected you to feel the same." He said and shrugged, seeming disappointed and Logan desperately hoped that Virgil wasn't too hurt. It wasn't Virgil's fault he couldn't accept the ever so tempting offer, it was himself there was something wrong with, and he didn't want Virgil to think he was anyway at fault. Spurring the conversation further might not be the wisest he could have done but he could not help it.

"I do, I do feel the same for you, I just-" Logan clasped his hands together tightly. He was bad at expressing his emotions but that was not at all his concern right now, even if that wasn't helping Logan in the least at this moment, but his concern lied elsewhere.

"Just... what?" Virgil said, not pressuring or anything as such but Logan couldn't just not try to make Virgil understand.

"There's something wrong with me and I don't think you'd enjoy being in a relationship with me and therefore it seems pointless to even attempt dating." Logan spoke quickly and with his eyes fixed on Virgil's laptop which had been lying on the coffee table for at least a week. It had various rainbow stickers on it and others that Logan didn't know where they were from.

"Logan, I know you pretty well by now, there's nothing wrong with you, I'm fairly certain of that. Sure, you're weirdly interested in school and I will never understand how you always finish your homework in time, but there's nothing actually wrong with you." Virgil said with a careful smile which Logan did not return, he only turned his attention towards anything else, this time a painting on the wall which one of their roommates, Roman, had painted and then insisted to hang there.

"There is, what would you know about it?" Logan perhaps sounded more defensive than he needed be but this wasn't a topic of conversation where he felt as certain and confident as he usually did.

"Okay then tell me why you'd think there was something wrong with you so I can dispute it with some facts." Virgil said and Logan briefly wished his friend wasn't so stubborn. Logan wasn't particularly eager to let Virgil know anything, because he didn't want Virgil too to think there was something wrong with him.

What was wrong with him? That was unfortunately a question that had rooted itself in Logan's mind ever since he had realized that everyone around him felt something that he did not. 

Logan crossed his arms over his chest, wishing he could curl up without seeming like an embarrassed child. This was a bad idea, was he really about to spill everything to Virgil? This was definitely a bad idea.

"I do not want to, uh, copulate. Ever." Logan said quietly, embarrassed to even talk about something like this and also terrified that Virgil would tell him something along the lines of that he just had to wait until the right person came along, because Logan was sure that no matter how 'right' someone was he still would not desire anything sexual from them. 

"Logan-" Virgil began and maybe he was letting fear rule him but he interrupted Virgil and kept speaking.

"No. I don't- I don't know what is wrong with me. I have this... fault. For whatever reason I'm disgusted by the thought of it and who would ever want to be in a relationship with someone who hates the thought of a sexual relationship with them? I'd rather not deprive someone of a relationship where all their needs would be met, and I know for a fact that I won't be able to give what's expected of me." Logan rambled, words pouring out of him with less control than he would've liked, and he sat with eyes squeezed shut for several seconds while waiting for Virgil to say something.

"Logan." Virgil said softly, uncharacteristically so, reaching out and placing his hand on Logan's shoulder, squeezing it lightly, a touch which was actually quite reassuring but Logan still had to stop himself from pulling away. He opened his eyes and saw Virgil smiling.

"Have you ever heard of the term asexual?" He asked and Logan gave him a quick glance before staring back down into his lap.

"Yes, of course I have, but I don't see how organisms ability to asexually reproduce without a partner has anything to do with this." Logan said, wondering what the relevance was and where Virgil was going with this. Seeing Virgil almost laugh made Logan feel as if he had once again been told a joke which then proceeded to fly right over his head.

"No. No, not that science shit. Asexual has another meaning, it's also a label for people who doesn't feel sexual attraction." Virgil said and Logan only stared, feeling an overwhelming mix of mostly confusion but also a tiny, tiny bit of ...hope?

"What?"

"Yeah, there are loads of ways to be asexual and at least one percent of the population is asexual, I've read a study once that said it was four percent or more, but I have no sources for that one." Virgil said and smiled again. Logan stared. Not because Virgil was smiling, even though that was definitely always a sight to see, but because maybe, just maybe, he was not alone. It took Logan several seconds before he managed to say anything.

"And you think I might be this, this... asexual, um, thing?" He asked.

"Well, only you would know, but if the label makes you feel good then yes. It's just like back in middle school when we found out about gay people and realized we were gay people." Virgil said with a chuckle. Logan did remember that, they'd been twelve years old and seen a gay couple on their way home from school, it'd been the first time either of them had ever seen two boys kiss and it had been revolutionary.

Less so to find out that everyone around them was beginning to focus on sex, the more the older they became, but at least that hadn't been bothering Logan until a year or so ago when he actually realized how other people actively sought out sexual relationships because that was something they desired. The concept had always only confused Logan and made him uncomfortable and he felt almost ecstatic that he might finally find out why he for some reason could not relate.

"I can't say I know everything about asexuality, no one probably does, but I know the basics mostly because I follow some social medias that talk a lot about asexuality." Virgil said and Logan kept staring at him until he continued.

"Basically someone who's asexual does not feel sexual attraction towards others. And sexual attraction is not the same thing as libido and sex drive but I can't say I really understand what either of these things are so I won't explain them because I don't want to be wrong. Anyway, some asexuals are repulsed by sex and thinks it's gross, some doesn't care, some like sex because it feels good I guess. From what I've gathered some asexuals have sex and some don't. Depends on the person." Virgil explained. 

Repulsed by sex. That did sound like how he felt just when thinking of himself ever engaging in anything sexual. The simple fact that Logan might finally have an answer to what had been bothering him for, perhaps, over a year... he almost felt a bit dizzy by the taunting relief but he didn't dare let himself believe this was it just yet.

Being wrong would be unbearable.

"Personally I'm not repulsed by sex but I am by no means interested in ever having it." Virgil said with a shrug and Logan stared at him again, a bit embarrassed by his own awe but not being able to hide it.

"You're asexual?" Logan managed to blink which he hoped made his excessive staring less weird, but Virgil only seemed mildly amused by Logan's fascination.

"Yeah, I think I realized it like half a year ago." He clarified and Logan had to take a moment to piece together all this new information. There might not be anything wrong with him. And Virgil was not going to expect anything sexual from him even if they went on dates.

"So, there really is nothing, um," Logan wet his lips, glancing at Virgil, "there's nothing wrong with me?"

"Not at all." Virgil reached his arms out and pulled Logan in for a tight hug that lasted for about five seconds before he let go of him again. Logan already missed the contact but Virgil kept an arm loosely around Logan's shoulders and he relished in the touch. He looked at Virgil, their eyes meeting and Logan smiled a tiny smile.

"I think I'd like to join you on that outing you mentioned." He said and he thought Virgil's breath might have hitched at his words.

"Good. I'm glad." He said, likely attempting to seem nonchalant about it but Logan had known Virgil long enough to notice how his eyes brightened just a little bit and the barely-there smile. Virgil pressed his hoodie sleeve to his mouth for a moment, surely to hide a more prominent smile, before clearing his throat and leaning a bit forward.

"Here, I think you'll benefit from us reading a bit about asexuality." Virgil said and reached for his laptop, pulling it into his lap.

"I can actually begin with showing you this," Virgil said and pointed towards one of the stickers on his laptop, one that Logan hadn't particularly noticed before because he was quite uninterested in knowing what they all related to, "it's the asexual flag."

"The asexual flag." Logan echoed, staring at it, the colors. He vaguely remembered seeing such flags at pride parades but he hadn't ever known what they symbolized until now. Virgil opened the laptop, typed his password in and pulled up google.

He typed something into the search bar, then clicking on a link and the screen was then displaying a long text. Virgil pushed the laptop so it was lying half on Logan's leg too, making it easier for them both to read.

Then article began by explaining the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction, stating clearly that one could feel one but not another, that a relationship did not have to involve sex, or even romance and then there was a link to another article about something called a queerplatonic relationship, but Logan wasn't very interested in whatever that was at the moment, he was far too focused on finding out everything he could about this new amazingly fitting label that Virgil had presented to him.

The text a bit further down clearly pointing out that asexual people could definitely have healthy and happy relationships made Logan feel as if an invisible weight lifted from his chest, a weight he hadn't even known were there. Not desiring sex did not make him faulty. Being asexual did not mean he could not have a purely romantic relationship. This might be the most reassured Logan had been in a long, long while.

Logan blinked repeatedly to try and feel less emotional, continuing to read although he was seeing slightly blurry, reading about different types of asexuality such as demisexual and graysexual, both words linking to other articles which Logan yet again decided against clicking on and instead let his eyes quickly take in the words of a new segment which had asexual people answering what their relationship with their romantic partner was like, and Logan had never before felt this excited about the idea that he could be in a relationship too, the whole concept was much more interesting now that he knew nothing else than romantic attraction was needed.

"I think I like this label. Asexual, it ...feels right." Logan said, grateful that even if Virgil was noticing the wet in his eyes he wasn't acknowledging it. Virgil's arm around him pulled him closer though. 

"I'm really glad I could help you find it. I know it's difficult when not knowing asexuality is a thing but, you're not alone, and there's nothing wrong with being asexual." Virgil said, and Logan could tell he was doing his best to say the right thing and Logan wanted to tell him how much everything he had told him meant to him, how grateful he was for Virgil's help, but he only smiled which he hoped to somehow convey his feelings.

"Actually, give me a moment, I need to go get a thing." Virgil got up from the couch and hurried out of the room, running back inside a mere minute later and disrupting Logan as he was continuing to read the long article about asexuality. 

"I remembered I had this." He said and shook out a big piece of fabric which turned out to be a asexual flag in the same size as a real flag. 

"Move forward a bit." Virgil said and Logan hesitantly scooted a bit forward, Virgil instantly draping the flag over Logan's shoulders with a grin. Logan let his fingers run over the light fabric, feeling oddly comforted by its presence around him. 

Virgil sat down with him again and Logan leaned back, purposefully leaning close to Virgil who didn't seem to mind it one bit.

"Honestly, I'm surprised you haven't just, like, googled about not wanting sex. That was how I found out about it." Virgil said and playfully nudged him. Now when Virgil said that he'd admit he felt really stupid for not doing that, it would have greatly improved his feeling of self worth over the past few months.

"I did not want to think about it, I tried to ignore it, which I think only made me more and more aware of the problem. Plus I foolishly hoped that, despite knowing it wasn't going to happen, maybe it'd go away one day and I'd be ...normal." Logan looked away but Virgil got his attention again by reaching for his hand and intertwining their fingers.

"Not to mention that I didn't think googling would help. Whenever I've expressed my discomfort with sex or the topic of it I have always been told that I would change my mind in the future, or that since I am a male I have to be some sex crazed animal." Logan pulled a face of disgust and Virgil grimaced with a nod.

"I get that. Society fucking sucks." Virgil said, giving Logan's hand a squeeze and there was a bit of silence where they contemplated the flawed world they lived in before Virgil spoke again. 

"Do you want to watch something? I don't really have anything else to do today." Virgil then said, free hand making a lazy gesture to the tv. Logan was sure that Virgil was ignoring at least one assignment when saying that but he knew it was fairly pointless to point that out to Virgil. Logan decided to simply ask him if there was anything he wanted help with regarding homework after dinner.

"Spirited Away?" It was a movie Logan liked a lot. Plus he knew Virgil liked the movie. Also the beauty of movies meant for kids to watch was that there were no sex scenes and near no sexual innuendos.

"Good choice." Virgil said and reached for the remote, pushing his fringe out of his eyes as he opened up netflix on the tv and found the movie. One couldn't say the two got anywhere close to cuddling during the movie, but they kept up the hand holding which for sure made Logan blush enough.

Their two other roommates came back home halfway through the movie, carrying bags of groceries. They shouted hello (which really wasn't necessary as the kitchen and living room had no wall between them, Logan and Virgil were perfectly capable of hearing them).

Virgil mumbled a greeting back, grip to Logan's hand loosening before tightening again as if he wasn't able to decide if he should let go of him or not. Logan took a firmer hold of Virgil, watching in the corner of his eye how Virgil pressed his lips together in that way he always did when hiding a smile, but Logan just didn't want Virgil to let go of him if they could avoid it.

Logan had had no idea how comforting affection could be when he didn't have to worry that it'd lead to situations that he'd like to avoid. That was something that had stopped him from seeking out affection for a long time. He didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea.

He heard the two other put their grocery bags down, them opening cupboards and the fridge and freezer while unpacking. Then Patton must've turned around, because he spoke to Logan.

"Oh, Logan, nice flag, are you ace?" Patton asked and Logan was not entirely sure what ace meant but able to guess it was likely another term for asexual but he did not want to take any chances when it was possible he was misunderstanding.

"I am asexual." He said just to make sure that he made his sexuality clear. Saying it out loud felt like taking a breath of fresh air.

"Asexual, what's that now again?" Roman said, arms full of snacks from one of the bags that Logan was sure his roommates would consume far quicker than they should. He opened a cupboard and dumped it all inside before turning back towards Patton.

"It's when someone doesn't feel sexual attraction I think." Patton said, glancing at Logan and Virgil for confirmation as he handed Roman a carton of eggs which Roman in turn put on the highest shelf in the fridge.

"Huh, cool. Well, I definitely can't relate." Roman said and winked at Patton who suffocated a giggle with his hand and waved Roman off with a smile.

"Gross!" Virgil said, throwing the remote at Roman but he caught it with ease and grinned, tossing it back at Virgil who was not as good as Roman at catching things and the remote ended up slipping from his fingers and falling to the floor. Logan rolled his eyes at them both.

"Please keep the remote from being airborne unless you are willing to pay for a new one once it inevitably breaks." He said, well aware that neither Roman nor Virgil were prepared to pay for anything that could be avoided to pay for.

Virgil picked it up again and pressed play on the movie, having shifted not to sit too close to Logan since their roommates tended to notice more than they should, but his fingers were intertwined with Logan's still, out of view from their roommates thanks to the backrest of the couch.

"Hey Roman, What's for dinner?" Virgil asked loudly over the sound of the movie and Roman and Patton's chattering in the kitchen.

"Why are you asking me, it's not my turn to- aw fuck." Roman said, surely having looked over to their whose-turn-is-it-to-make-dinner list that was a necessity for the four of them not to constantly argue about whose turn it was.

"Don't worry, Roro, I'll help you." Patton said and Logan briefly glanced back at them to see Patton with his arm around Roman's waist and suggesting different types of food they could make.

Virgil didn't seem to find any point in asking his question again and only turned his attention back to the movie, Logan doing the same but still not quite conquering his distractions, thoughts all too focused on everything he'd learned about who he apparently was. 

His free hand grabbed a fistful of the flag carefully. It felt fairly silly to feel such, for a lack of a better word, safety from a mere piece of fabric, but...

Logan skimmed the material of the flag with his fingertips, smiling to himself before pulling it tighter around himself. 

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Written: 31st October & 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th & 6th November 2019
Published: 28th December 2019
Words: 3852

Oneshot dedicated to every asexual who has struggled with their identity because society is so obsessed with sex

I think I hesitated for a year at least before actually using the label asexual, was so scared that it would just be a phase, that I was wrong about my identity and would have to change it, but then i just went 'fuck it, i'll use it for now' and it's been like 2 years

Also Im not even halfway through christmas break, but guess whos already crying themselves to sleep over school lmao delete me from existence pls and thank