Summary: Logan is aware of the fact that Virgil has feelings for him, and he return those feelings, has for a long while. But then again he's not going to do anything about that, because clearly Virgil deserves someone better

Warnings: hurt/comfort?, logan is a dumbass but he's doing his best, virgil is a bit anxious, self deprecation, rejection, thinking of oneself as 'not good enough', happy ending I swear, it's not that bad

Hng I'm sorry this should've been published two days ago

--

Logan was not missing the way Virgil always seemed to smile that little bit more genuine when it was at him. He was not unaware of the increase in time they spent together. He was not oblivious to how they always touched more than necessary, even if it was just their hands brushing when handing the other the remote, or a reassuring pat on the others shoulder after a debate or a late night of working. He was not blind to how Virgil's gaze sometimes lingered on his lips.

Logan knew all this, he knew what it meant. Because he too encouraged that extra time they spent together, he found himself walking too close to Virgil for the chance of that small touch, he caught himself staring at Virgil's lips and all he wanted to do was to lean in and kiss him.

But Logan did not, and he was not going to.

At the very least he had some self restraint. Logan would not allow himself to do such a thing, or anything like it. It were for the best if these feelings were ignored until they went away. Logan supposed most people would be asking him what he was doing and why in the world he was not acting now that he had such a chance.

The facts were after all that Virgil liked Logan, and Logan liked Virgil, much more than he should. Things would certainly be a lot easier if Logan's feelings had remained unrequited. Or if Logan had not fallen for Virgil in the first place.

No, Logan was not going to go up to Virgil and ask if he'd like to pursue these feelings. He was going to keep pretending that neither of them felt like this for the other. Logan thought he'd done quite a good job hiding how he felt so far.

At least until Virgil had him practically cornered one day, trembling hands shoved in his pockets.

Logan glanced towards the doorway, hoping that Patton, or anyone, would appear there so that he could excuse himself to talk to them. Logan was not that fortunate and he knew he would eventually have to face him about this.

"Logan, I need to- I need to talk to you." Virgil said, voice about as shaky as his hands had been before he had hid them.

"Is that so?" Logan knew what Virgil was going to say already, and he internally cursed the anxious side's bravery. Logan himself would never have managed to walk up to Virgil and spill a single detail about anything he was feeling. But that was not solely because of his lack of bravery. Logan was having other sort of problems with these feelings. Problems which he should not burden Virgil with.

"Okay, so, um, I had rehearsed what to say but I... it clearly did not help." Virgil said, taking a deep breath.

"Here goes, I really, um, I really like you. A lot. Romantically." Virgil continued slowly. During this whole thing they has maintained eye contact, and Logan was the first one to break it. He looked down at the floor, glanced back up at Virgil for a second before speaking.

"I know." Logan then said, almost immediately regretting his choice of words as he saw the little hope in Virgil's expression fade out and he took a step back from Logan.

"Oh." Virgil breathed. Of course Virgil must be assuming that means Logan doesn't like him in that way. Which is incorrect, because Logan very much feels that way for Virgil. But he doesn't say that, he doesn't reassure Virgil that his feelings are indeed returned.

"I'm sorry." Logan managed, seemingly only making things worse, but there really was not a way for him to make it better, so this was the only way to go. He hated how Virgil seemed to feel uneasy and anxious. Logan didn't want that, this was the opposite of what he really wanted. But he could not bring himself to tell Virgil how he actually felt, that would be selfish of him.

"No. Don't be. I shouldn't have told you. I... yeah, sorry." Virgil said, then turning around and making his way out of there, presumably to his room. Logan stared after him, even when he could no longer see Virgil. He tried to swallow down the lump in his throat, not sure when that had appeared.

He became aware of the jar of Crofters he was holding in his hand, looking towards the table where he'd been in the middle of making a sandwich. Logan began cleaning the table, putting the Crofters back in the fridge. He wasn't that hungry anymore.

--

There's a knock on Logan's door. Without even turning around he snapped his fingers to open the door. To be honest Logan is quite surprised it took them so long to check up on him.

"Hey, Logan?" It's Patton's voice, and Logan sighed and closed his laptop. He hadn't been working, Patton wasn't interrupting anything too important, but Logan had been solving sudoku's online and was annoyed to be interrupted. He stood up and turned towards Patton, who did not look all too happy.

"I don't mean to intrude, but yesterday Virgil seemed quite anxious, and after that he hasn't left his room and when I asked why he just said that he 'doesn't want to make things more awkward than he already has' and I don't know what happened so I've come to you for answers." Patton said.

Logan did not say a thing, he only stared at Patton, not wanting to have to explain himself to him. Patton didn't seem to think that way and only continued.

"So, my question is, what did you do?" Patton's tone was a little bit too harsh when asking what he'd had done and Logan had already spent the last day overthinking his every feeling for Virgil and his own actions, he did not need Patton's anger directed at him too. But Logan had over and over again concluded that he had done the right thing, clearly he had. Logan curled his hand into a fist, nails digging into the flat of his hand and he looked away from Patton, even if all this was his fault and Patton had the right to be mad at him.

"Logan... what happened between you two?" Patton asked, softer this time, grabbing Logan's wrist and forcing his fingers to uncurl, giving Logan a stern glance look when seeing the marks from his nails. Logan can't help but to think that the problem isn't what did happen, but maybe what didn't. He pulled his arm from Patton's loose grip.

"I'm sorry if I hurt him, but this is for the best." Logan said stiffly, wishing that Patton would leave him to his own misery and self-pity. He did not want to speak of this, he did not want to think of Virgil. Every thought of Virgil made him feel regret and fear and many feelings he did not know how to navigate or do something about.

Of course he had felt like this for quite a long time, ever since he first realized his feelings for Virgil, but it had somehow gotten so much worse now when he knew that Virgil actually liked him, too. It had been easier back when he could tell himself that his feelings didn't matter because Virgil would never feel the same way anyway.

"Sounds to me like you and Virgil have some stuff to talk through." Patton said.

"No." Logan exclaimed, louder than he had intended to. Patton did not seem taken back in the least by that. The thought of talking to Virgil, to tell him how he felt and why he was not acting on it, it was quite the scary thought.

"Now, Logan, I won't have you two going around all miserable when there is a simple solution to all this." Patton said sternly. Logan bit his lower lip, staring down at the floor at nothing in particular just so that he did not have to look at Patton as he spoke.

"There isn't a simple solution. Do you think I would cause any hurt to Virgil for fun? How cruel do you think I am?" His voice broke at the last word and he forced his mouth shut before he lost control and said something he didn't want to have said. There was a short silence and Logan heard Patton let out a tired sigh.

"I didn't mean it like that, Logan. Of course I don't believe you would intentionally hurt any of us. But please explain to me what the problem is, because all I'm seeing are two people who clearly like each other, but for some reason aren't pursuing those feelings." Patton said. Logan stood silently, trying to think of what he should say, which seemed difficult. He had never had to explain his fears and feelings with coherent words and sentences before.

"I don't want you to pity me." Logan mumbled, fearing that merely saying so would cause Patton to pity him.

"Logan." Patton began. Logan waved him off before he got any further.

"I know, I know." He muttered. Logan let a deep sigh escape him and he sat down on his bed, letting his shoulders slump and not caring that his hair fell down over his eyes. He watched Patton in the corner of his eye, searching his mind for words.

"It's just that... Virgil is wonderful. I love him. More than I thought I was capable of. But he- Virgil deserves someone better." Logan began, sending another glance towards Patton and continuing when he didn't say anything.

"Virgil deserves someone who won't end up hurting him, as I am sure I will. I tend to not handle emotions in the best way. I've already hurt him, I do not want to be the cause of any more hurt. I'm... I'm not worthy of Virgil's love, and I do not know how to be enough. You can argue against what I am saying all you want, but it won't change the fact that I cannot handle emotion well enough to be there for Virgil in the ways I should be."

"I screwed up when he told me, and I know that. But it was inevitable because I won't let Virgil near enough to me for me to hurt him worse. Both you and Roman understand emotions much better than I ever can. Half of the times I do not even understand why something I said hurt one of you until it is explained to me. If one should choose a romantic partner I should be the last choice. He should've fallen in love with either of you." Logan finished tiredly staring down at the floor.

"But, regardless of all that, he fell in love with you." Was all that Patton said. Logan closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, and then another one.

"I wish he hadn't. This would be much easier to handle if he did not return my feelings." Logan said, trying to brush away the hair that was hanging down before his eyes.

"That's dumb." Patton said. Logan sighed again and rubbed his arm.

"Thanks."

"Okay, no, but listen to me. Logan, why would you ever believe you don't deserve Virgil?" Patton asked, and Logan squinted at him, trying to read on him if that was an actual question.

"...Because of everything I just mentioned." Logan said after deciding that Patton had genuinely asked him for a reason. Was Patton not listening to him? Patton only shook his head.

"Okay, I can't tell you what to do, this is between you and Virgil, but just know I don't agree. I don't think Virgil agrees. Otherwise why would he want to pursue a relationship with you?" Patton said. Logan gave him a long glance.

"I really care for Virgil, I do not want to ruin what we already have by... Well, by being me." Logan said. It was undeniable that he did not know how to deal with most feelings in a healthy way.

"Don't you think you owe it to Virgil to at least explain why you don't want to act on the feelings that you do have?"

Logan knew he did not actually have to give anyone a reason as to why he did not want to pursue a relationship, but if thinking about it, it did seem fair. Especially when Logan thought of how anxious Virgil had been, and that if Logan explained this to him that might ease Virgil's excessive worry.

Logan would gladly live through the discomfort of talking of his feelings if it meant it would lessen Virgil's anxiety.

"I suppose so." He therefore said and Patton gave him a satisfied grin. He pushed his glasses up as Patton squeezed his shoulder.

"Good. Now, I'll be with Roman if you need me." Patton said before sinking out of the room, quickly leaving Logan alone once again. Logan groaned and forced himself to stand up, spending a moment in front of his mirror to make sure his appearance looked okay. When finally looking acceptable (wondering for a second how much it really mattered if he looked decent or not) he managed to drag himself out of his own room and towards Virgil's.

The thought of telling Virgil of his feelings was still not a pleasant one, but if he had told Patton he would he couldn't back out. Plus, he needed Virgil to know he hadn't ruined anything between them. And Logan needed to know that he himself had not ruined anything between them.

Logan stood outside of Virgil's door and felt the nervousness twist in his gut. He took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves, then knocking after deciding he was calm enough. It took a few seconds and then Logan could hear steps from Virgil's room. He straightened his tie.

A slightly disheveled Virgil appeared when the door opened a bit, looking like he might have just been lying down. Logan wouldn't be surprised if he had just been taking a nap. With a feeling of relief Logan also noted that Virgil did not seem to be terribly anxious anymore.

"Oh. Hey. Come in, I guess." Virgil said, pushing the door open completely before making a u-turn and going back to his couch, sitting down. Logan hesitantly took a step into the room, closing the door since he'd rather no one was listening to their conversation. Then Logan became uncertain of what to do next, but he ended up sitting down next to Virgil, a safe distance between them.

"So, what's up?" Virgil said after Logan had sat there in silence for about ten seconds. Maybe he should have asked Patton what he should say to Virgil because his mind had practically went blank.

"I came here to apologize." Logan said, finally getting a sentence out.

"Logan, you're not going to apologize for not returning my feelings, right? Like, that's my problem, not yours." Virgil said, giving him a glance of disbelief and uncertainty.

"But I do... have feelings for you." Logan said, making Virgil go quiet. He looked to be very unsure of what to say and to spare him of coming up with a response Logan kept talking, trying to get to the point where he explained himself.

"I believe it would be for the best if these feelings were not acted on." Logan said, his voice (hopefully) unnoticeably quieter.

"Okay. Why?" Virgil questioned, because of course he did. Logan really did not want to get into this conversation for a second time, but what choice did he have?

"...I really care for you and because of that I do not want to get close enough to you to screw things up and lose you." Logan admitted, speaking quickly to get the words out before he had the time to stop himself.

"Patton said I was basically just a dumbass and that I needed to talk to you, so that is what I am doing now." Logan finished, glancing at him and finding Virgil staring right at him.

"Patton's right, you are a dumbass." Virgil said, making Logan even more adamant to not look right at him. Logan then felt Virgil's hand on his shoulder and he stared at it, tempted to ask Virgil what he was doing. Virgil then pulled him closer and Logan pretty much froze.

Logan felt his face go warm at the feeling of Virgil's face nuzzled into the crook of his neck. Hesitantly he allowed himself to wrap his arms around Virgil. Logan rested his head on Virgil's shoulder, finally relaxing into the embrace and hoping Virgil couldn't feel how his heart was racing.

Virgil just hugged him tightly for a long while. Logan did not know what to do, but the hug was nice and he did not really want Virgil to let go of him, and therefore Logan simply did nothing.

"You know what? I think it's my choice whether or not you are good enough for me." Virgil said after a long moment of silence, before letting go of Logan and straightening himself up. Logan opened his mouth to argue, but quickly realized that Virgil made a quite good argument. He didn't really know how to respond to it, actually.

"Look, Logan. I do understand your worries. Believe me, I've got quite a lot of worries about this too." Virgil said. "I'm anxiety, after all. I've been overthinking this in maybe every way possible. But I stand by what I just said. You don't have the right to decide for me who is and isn't good enough for me. If I say I've got feelings for you and want to act on them, that's for a reason."

"I already know you're not the best at facing emotions, Logan. Neither am I. But I trust that we are comfortable enough around each other to actually bring up what we're worried about. Like you have by coming to me and telling me all this." Virgil said softly, taking Logan's hand in his.

"Oh, and if you're going to retaliate with something about how you made me anxious, don't. I'm anxious all the time. Yeah, I was very anxious yesterday and it definitely became worse for a while, because that's what my anxiety does. But I'm calm now, so do not apologize. I know you did not intend to make me feel like that and if I had people apologizing every time they made me uncomfortable or anxious then I'd never have a silent moment." Virgil said. Logan wondered if Virgil could somehow read his mind.

"Have I ever told you that you are much more wise than what people give you credit for?" Logan asked. Virgil let out a quiet laugh that made Logan's heartbeat speed up. He looked at Virgil, not even bothering to hide a smile as he observed him.

"Don't look at me like that." Virgil said with a rising blush, only making Logan smile wider. He shook his head, not entirely sure why, maybe it was directed towards himself and his silly behaviour. Virgil sighed quietly.  Virgil's thumb brushed over the back of his hand and for a moment Logan lost the ability to form words and sentences.

"This is not the outcome I had planned for." Logan said a moment later after having regained his ability to speak. Still he had a considerate amount of worry over this, no matter how much he liked the way Virgil looked at him or the fact that Virgil was actually holding his hand.

"I suppose I am willing to attempt this. A romantic relationship. But I need to know that you will tell me if I do something that is seen as insensitive, or anything that hurts you. Also, please be patient with me, I'm still, ah, what Roman would call 'an emotional dumbass'." Logan said, seeing Virgil bite back a smile.

"As long as you do the same." He replied.

"Deal." Logan said with the smallest of smiles, squeezing Virgil's hand tighter for a second.

"Deal." Virgil repeated, shuffling just a little bit closer to him, then leaning closer. Logan didn't really understand what Virgil was doing until he had pressed a quick kiss to his cheek, making Logan let out an embarrassing sound of surprise.

--

Written: 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 22nd, 24th & 27th March 2019
Published: 7th April
Words: 3555

Dunno how I feel about how this oneshot turned out

Anyway

I'm uncomfortable and over all restless and it's annoying ugH

I really wanna like do something but everything is boring and I have no energy

how are u kiddos doing?