╭──╯ . . . . . VIOLENT DELIGHTS ܴೈ

✧.* ONEERTAXEA . . . . . ╰──╮

september 26th, 2009

i was born twice; once as a baby girl on a cloudless day in brooklyn, new york, blessing my parents with their firstborn child; and then again, as a grieving widow in the waiting room of a hospital near the bronx. 

i used to believe in justice, in order. i was a lawyer, after all, a former prosecutor who fought for truth until the system twisted it. i never thought i'd be the one waiting for answers that would never come. matthew, my husband, my best friend, was gone—killed in the line of duty. and now, brooklyn felt like a graveyard, every corner haunted by memories i could no longer live with.

"i'm gonna miss you, who's gonna go see movies with me every weekend?" my baby sister, hannah, asks as i tape up my last box. "go with dad." i joke. "no thanks." hannah giggles, helping me load the boxes into the hallway of my apartment. 

"it's not like i'm leaving and never coming back. i'll see you and dad on holidays." i say, trying not to think about how distant dad's become. he wasn't always a ghost. after mom died—pneumonia turned to sepsis just weeks after hannah was born—he did his best, but the man who raised us faded when he retired from the bureau.

"well, when i turn eighteen, i'm coming to live with you, and i won't take no for an answer." hannah smirks. "you wanna live with me, you have to show you can help out. carry these to the car?" i smirk, handing her the heaviest boxes. she struggles but smiles as she walks to the elevator.

i reach the front door and glance back at my apartment one last time. the apartment where matt and i first lived together. where he proposed. where we had the funeral. i need this change, more than anything. i shut the door, locking it for the last time before meeting hannah at the elevator. 

as i step into the elevator with hannah, the weight of the moment sinks in. every part of me is screaming not to look back, to keep moving forward, but my heart lingers in that apartment. the quiet hum of the elevator drowns out hannah's chatter about her weekend plans. my mind is already in virginia, at quantico, imagining what life will be like there—away from the ghosts and away from brooklyn.

"hey, are you even listening to me?" hannah snaps her fingers in front of my face, pulling me back to the present. "sorry, i was just thinking." "about matt?" she asks quietly, her teasing tone gone. i nod. "always." "you know, i think this move is good for you," hannah says, softer now, like she knows this conversation has to tread carefully. "quantico's gonna be a fresh start. new people, new cases... no constant reminders of everything that happened."

"yeah, that's what i'm hoping for." i reply, but there's a tightness in my chest, a nagging doubt. part of me wonders if leaving will really help, or if i'm just running away from something that will follow me no matter where i go. the elevator dings, and we step out into the lobby. hannah struggles again with the boxes, and i can't help but smile at how determined she is to help, even though she's still so young--barely sixteen, still trying to figure everything out. we load the last of the boxes into the car, and she wipes her hands on her jeans, grinning like she just conquered a mountain.

"mission accomplished," she says triumphantly. "so, when are you leaving again?" "soon, i have to make it to quantico tonight." her smile falters for a second, just long enough for me to notice. "i'll miss you, maddy." "i'll miss you too, but it's not like you won't visit." 

"oh, i'm visiting. just... not the same, you know?" she frowns and i nod, feeling the same tug of emotion. it's not just leaving the city—it's leaving behind everything i've known, every routine, every comfort. "you'll be okay without me for a while," i say, trying to lighten the mood. "besides, you've got dad to look after."

"right, 'cause dad's so chatty these days." she jokes, though there's a sadness in her eyes. we both know dad hasn't been the same since mom, and then matt--those two were close. we say our goodbyes in the lobby, and as hannah heads out to meet her friends a block down, i'm left standing there, staring at the packed car. it's real now. this is happening. i get in the driver's seat, take a deep breath, and start the engine. as i pull out of the parking lot, i catch one last glimpse of the building in the rearview mirror. it feels like leaving a piece of myself behind. 

the highway stretched endlessly in front of me, the headlights cutting through the darkness as i drove through the night. there was a part of me that wanted to stop, pull over at some dingy motel and sleep for a few hours, but another part knew i wouldn't rest even if i tried. the hum of the engine was the only sound, my thoughts spinning as the miles between brooklyn and quantico grew longer. i hadn't even thought to find a hotel. the idea of paying for a few hours of restless sleep seemed pointless. besides, the sooner i got there, the sooner i could settle in.

by the time i reached quantico, it was almost 3 a.m. the streets were deserted, bathed in the soft glow of streetlights. my new apartment was small but clean, the perfect start for this new chapter, i supposed. i stepped out of the car, grabbing a bag of essentials from the backseat, the rest of my things would come inside in the morning. i unlocked the door and stepped in, greeted by the empty silence of the space.

home, i thought to myself, though the word felt foreign in my mind. it wasn't home. not without matthew. i flicked on a light, the bulb buzzing faintly, and set the bag down in the middle of the living room. there wasn't much time before work started. i knew i wouldn't get much sleep—if any—but at least i had a few hours to prepare. i pulled out some papers, spreading them across the hardwood floor, and sat down cross-legged to study them.

these were the faces and names of the team i'd be joining in just a few hours—the bau. i traced the outlines of their photos with my finger, memorizing names, and details. this is your life now, i reminded myself. your job. your future. i knew this was a new beginning, but the weight of it still pressed heavily on my chest.

flipping one of the papers over, a name caught my eye—david rossi. i smiled to myself, a soft, bittersweet smile. i remembered the memories i had made during my childhood with my father's friends-- david rossi and jason gideon. david was the reason i found myself in profiling. my father always spoke highly of his friends, he joined the bureau not long after they did, and they'd become close over the years. my dad always admired them, looked up to them even. rossi, in particular, had this way about him that my father always said inspired confidence, and loyalty.

small world, i thought, my smile fading as the reality set in. there was no room for nostalgia now. not here. as i sat there, thinking about what it would be like to meet them all, i couldn't help but recall what erin strauss, the section chief, had told me during our call. this team gives a lot of grief sometimes, she'd warned, almost like she was giving me an out. "things get slid under the rug, although they do outstanding work there can be drama, and drama is the last thing you need, agent."

she wasn't wrong. i didn't need drama. not now. not after everything that had happened with matthew. if i'd learned anything from his death, it was this—don't be friends with coworkers. don't get too close. work was work. keep it professional. if i let myself get attached to anyone on this team, it would only make things harder. losing matthew had taught me that much.

i pushed the thoughts aside and continued going over the paperwork, signing a few documents strauss had sent my way. eventually, the sound of my pen scratching against the paper became soothing in the quiet, and i found myself settling into a rhythm. i had just enough time to prepare an outfit for the morning and pack a go bag. as i folded the last of my clothes into the bag, i realized that despite the exhaustion clawing at me, sleep wasn't coming tonight.

the sun would rise soon, and with it, a new beginning. i wasn't sure if i was ready, but it was happening, whether i liked it or not.

_______________︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶_______________

author's note

heyy!! i'm so happy to have finally published this, it's been in my drafts for months.

a few things to say, first, thank you for clicking! i am very excited about this fic and i have some good chapters cooked up in the near future 👀...

also, if you have any recommendations or constructive criticism for this book so far please leave it in the comments and i will attempt to address them accordingly! i am still in school and super busy with studies but this fic has been a priority for a while now, ha.

lastly, i wanted to try to switch up my style a bit, using different writing styles, more photos and spunk, and more! i felt this book was different from my 'twd universe' books therefore it needed its own creativity. i've been into the idea that more is most definitely more so i wanted to experiment with more photos and add to my layout. i like it so far but it has room to grow. 

im so happy you picked VIOLENT DELIGHTS and i can't wait to see where this piece goes. 

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⍣ ೋ disclaimers

this story contains sensitive subject matter, including depictions of violence, murder, detailed crime scenes, and themes of trauma, grief, and ptsd. additional warnings include references to home invasions, child endangerment, vandalism, gentrification, and socioeconomic struggles. this work is intended for mature audiences. reader discretion is advised—take care of yourself while reading.

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