Payne P.O.V

I could still taste her on my lips.

Feel her touch on me still.

Her small hands on my chest and in my hair.

She was all over me and I had done what I always did when shit got too serious between us, I ran.

Distance wasn't helping me this time though, it was making the reality of what just happened hit me even harder.

I can't believe I kissed her.

What the fuck is wrong with me?!

I was mad.

Angry at her for slapping me even though I didnt feel it then the fact that she actually did slap me turned into this sort of twisted erotic turn on.

Then all I saw was her lips.

She wanted this.

And she's getting into my head.
She's consumed my every being and I know for a fact that I had the same effect on her. Why couldn't she just understand that this isn't going to end good. Not for me or her.

Mostly her. I'd get over it.

She was so surprised when my tongue went in her mouth, hell, I was even surprised I did that.

Was I her first kiss?

Could she tell she was mine?

If she knew she'd probably think lowly of me.

I mean, there had been many opportunities where really brave girls would try to seduce me but up until Alexis I wasn't the least bit interested.

Payge once thought that there was either something wrong with me ... Or I was gay.

Truth was I couldn't handle the thought of having a relationship and someone being so close to me.

I feel as though everyone pities me because of my past, truth be told that's one of the reasons I'm so aggressive when I'm out killing. To prove them wrong. I'm not some broken boy who was abused. I've grown out of that and I hate pity.

I hate it so fucking much.

I felt as though the girls that tried to seduce me were going to give me a pity fuck but Alexis, she just didn't care.

She didn't see me as some broken boy. She knew my past and was a little scared of me but she didn't pity me. When she kissed me back it wasn't out of her feeling bad for me, it was because she genuinely wanted me and God knew I wanted her but I won't have her.

She wants me to try this with her?

I won't.

I can't.

I can't pretend to be comfortable with this, I know where it'll end. I know what will happen to her and worse of all, my sister's pregnant. Her baby, boy or girl, like I said before will grow into being her weakness.

Alexis will be my weakness.

I have a lot of enemies and the reason they've never gotten to me before isn't because I'm indispensable, its because they don't know how to get to me. Once word is out that I have a mate even if I don't love her or even if we aren't together, they'll get her because everyone knows what the mate bond could do to a person.

Having a weakness was one hell of a thing.

Alexis might literally be the death of me and God knew I was already too close to her.

Way too close.

But I wanted to give in.

I really wanted to but if I did and she got hurt, what if I can't protect her?

What if I am the same person to her now as I was to my sister then?

What if all I'll be able to do is watch her get torn away from me.

A sudden throbbing in my chest made my whole body shiver.

My breathing started to pick up and the world started to spin around me.
Falling to the forest ground I was happy I was deep into the woods where nobody could find me.

Not for a while at least.

Images of the past began swarming into my mind and a migraine started up.

Falling to my knees my entire body began to shake.

An animal like cry of pain ricocheted out my mouth. My entire body went stiff and numb, no feeling in any of my limbs at all. Only the burning in my throat reminding me of my consciousness because I still hadn't stopped screaming.

It was all coming back to me.
The memories. The pain. The memory of what happened that day with my sister flooding into my brain and taking over everything but this time, it wasn't the whipping I remembered, it was what happened after the whipping....

*Sixty five years ago*
(Twins were 10)

He'd sent Payge to our room. Locked her inside actually.

I wasn't supposed to move as I laid on the ground.
I had to take short inhales to prevent myself from inhaling too much dirt.

I knew there wasn't long until he came back from locking her in.

I couldn't stop my mind from wondering about what he possibly did to her before locking her in.. What if he wanted her to sleep and she didn't? What if he beat her until she sleep like he did me before?

My heart hammered against my rib cage and my rage grew inside me.

How I wished there was something I could do to save us both from this man. This monster.

"Get up" his deep rumble of a voice barked at me.

Getting to my feet was never a harder task at that moment. My knees wobbles and my legs felt numb.

But I stood up, I wasn't even half the man's height but I pushed my chin up and faced him as if I was a match for him. I knew I wasn't but it wasn't going to stop me.

"What are you doing boy?" An evil rumble of laughter followed his words but I didn't let it faze me.

I was used to his mockery.

"I've been seeing a lot of this new attitude of yours. You are coming of age to be a man but not for me boy. Never for me. All I see when I look you is weakness."

With a deep hack he spit on me. His saliva getting onto my fore head. I wiped it off without hesitation.

It wasn't the first time he had spit on me however.

"I am not weak." I whispered as a reminder to myself, he had heard me though and his disgusting laughter filled my ears once more.

"You? Not weak?!" More of the sick laugh then he got serious. Grabbing me by my neck he rose me off the ground so I could properly face him.

His face was as terrifying as his personality. The scar running down the right side of his face a traumatizing reminder of the monster he was. His black hair was skull trimmed and he had nothig soft in his eyes, they were an endless dark pit.

"Then tell me boy," He growled out tightening his hold on me, "If you're not weak. Why couldn't you save her?" I didn't know it was possible but his voice went softer, an almost whisper compared to the usual. "WHY DIDN'T YOU SAVE HER PAYNE! WHY ?!!" He screamed in my face and I couldn't help my tears.

Even if he wasn't almost choking me to death I wouldn't be able to breath. We had never spoken about her since he had taken us and he had never called me by my name before.

"You are weak. You could have saved her then but now, you use the strength and courage to protect your sister while she gets disciplined! You should have used all that strength to save her. Maybe that way, you'd be dead and she'd be alive. I'd rather it that way any day. She should have let you two die and come to me." His voice cracked as he finished and it was the most emotion I had ever seen from the man.

Maybe, indeed, he did love my mother but sadly that love they shared did not pass on to the children.

At that moment I remembered the day the rogues had attacked. My mother had locked my sister and I in a room with barely enough space for the two of us. I knew I had to do something. I knew she was going to die and I couldn't have let her go.

I ran out, it was a moment of hesitation for her.

She had turned around when she heard the opening of the door.

I will never forget her face.

She had jet black hair and silver eyes. She was the absolute definition of beautiful and as she turned I could see the worry and fear in her eyes. That was before a loud growl was heard and a huge figure pounced on her from behind as she was distracted.

I heard her scream.

I heard the sounds of her body being torn apart.

I heard the grunts of the beast.

I ran back and locked myself into the room with my sister where I had to stay silent and wait for everything to be over with.

I was never allowed to cry.

I couldn't because deep down, I knew that it was all my fault. If I had stayed inside, she could have gotten away or even defended herself.

I was thrown back into my present because of literally being thrown onto the ground by my father where he kicked me numerous times in my stomach until I was too weak to move a muscle.

The last words I heard before blackness overpowered my every being was, "You are not a man. Your masculine appearance goes against what you truly are and we need to fix that."

When his words had drifted off so had my consciousness. I remembered waking up at some point lying on my back on a table and my father stood next to me with a knife. I passed out once again when he had cut me. I didn't know exactly where he had cut me at the moment but when I was officially conscious once more I was beyond aware of what he had done.

He had immasculated me by castrating me. I didn't know it at the time but when I figured it out because of the bleeding and when he had finally told me about what he had done, I found myself thankful.

There was no need for me to have children. Not with the burdens of my failure lying on their back.

***********
Alexis P.O.V (present)

I didn't know how I ended up deeper into the woods all I knew is that I couldn't return back to the castle. Not with everything that had just happened

Then by a sence of instinct I had turned left continuing into a path I had never wandered in before but something was leading me somewhere.

I didn't know what it was but it was urgent.

Before I knew it I had broken into a full on sprint and I seemed to be running into an endless collection of trees and forestry.

That was until I met up to a clearing in the middle of multiple trees.

I loss all words at that point. Nothing that would make sense, nothing that could explain what I saw.

I blinked about a hundred times trying to figure out if I was imagining things but I wasn't.

There, curled up in the fetus position was Payne.

His chest was bare and I could see the way his body was being shaken by his heavy breaths and I could hear the heart wrenching sobs escaping his mouth and the way he was screaming.

My heart tore in a million pieces at the sight and the next thing I knew was that I was at his side, on my knees as he cried.

I had never seen him like this before.

I didn't know the reason but his entire body was stiff and the way he screamed was as though he was in some sort of pain. Whatever it was, I knew that this was one or his main demon. This was the thing that lies behind that silver stare.

This is the reason he is what he is.

Cradling him to me, his head fit onto my lap, and as if he was conscious he somehow wrapped his hands around me.

He was coated in his own perspiration and as I held onto him for dear life he repayed the embrace.

Gradually his body began calming down. From the way his screams finally came to a halt to the only slight shaking of his body.

I didn't know how he would react when he became conscious and realized I had seen him like this but I didn't care.

I wasn't going to leave him. Not now and even if things got even worse between us, I wouldn't leave. Not after all this, not after everything we've been through.

The world around us became silent and all I could hear was Payne's inhale and exhale of breath.

After all I was indeed wrong.

I had earlier said he wouldn't try but now, in his state I realized something I had never pondered on before, he was trying, otherwise he wouldn't have shown me the lilies, he wouldn't have cared if I'd ever been in a lake. It was such simple acts yet when compared to what Payne knew and did, it was a hell of a change and a massive junk of progress for us.

Whether he was angry or not when he woke up I no longer cared. He could be how upset he wants to be but I know from our past experiences we'll get through it.

Payne was trying with me and for that, I will be forever greatful.

I couldn't leave him. Ever.
_________________________

So this chapter goes into a lot of Payne's past you see where the root of all this started and you see what was done to him.
Understand him and understand his struggles.
I hope you guys still love him because deep deep down, sonehwere, Payne is a broken ten year old boy who's mother was literally torn away from him, despised by his father for his existence and who felt as though he could never fully protect his sister.

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