Update?
BTW GIF above though *drools*
#Trigger warning !!

_________________

I spent the rest of the day in my room. Sitting on the floor and remembering everything I saw in Payne's head. I didn't need a doctor anymore, I didn't need anyone to analyze anything because I knew the truth now.

It was all in Payne's head, his father had filled his head with lies so he'd go through his life with the thought that he wasn't fully a man. Maybe if Payne knew the truth I wouldn't have been the one to take his virginity.

I had to tell him but there was so much going on right now. I couldn't just barge into his room and say "oh! even though I just confessed my love for you and you didn't reply or even come after me to say anything back I thought you should know that while I was in your head I saw that your dad didn't really castrate you and now with what happened last night there's the possibility that I'm pregnant.'

Ah, that would be a nice conversation to have with a man who's temper switch could go off in a second.

I didn't cry anymore after what I saw in his head, I hated Payne's father, how could he do that to his own son and untop of it he had the nerve to try justifying what he did to Payne and his sister claiming it was out of punishment because of what happened to their mother.

It wasn't their fault. I didn't know the entire story about their mother's death but I'm sure a six year old kid couldn't be the cause.

It was night now, the glow of the sunlight no longer reflected on the curtains of my bedroom instead the darkness was everywhere.

My stomach growled demanding dinner but even though I was hungry, mentally I felt numb to everything.

We we're just getting everything together. Everything was finally coming along but I ruined it.

I was bound to find out sometime though, better now than later. As the saying went things had to be torn apart before they could be put together.

I was in a million pieces right now.

Getting to my feet I made my way out of the room and down to the kitchen. As soon as I entered Payge looked up from sitting on the kitchen counter with a big container of Ben and Jerry's ice cream in her lap with ice cream messed up all over her face like a baby.

I almost smiled.

There were dishes near the fridge and as I entered the room Payge pointed to them and before she spoke she wiped her mouth with her hand only making it worse.

"Diner from main house." She said in a rush and launched back into her cookies and cream ice cream.

I took out one of the two remaining dishes and sat down.

There was one more dish left and by the rate Payge was going at it definitely wasn't hers.

I opened the covered dish and was pleased to see homemade macaroni and cheese with the option of sausages to the side.

I almost drooled at the sight but kept it together as I got a glass of water then sat back down at the table.

I ate in silence and when I was down to my last bite the kitchen door opened.

Payne walked in and Payge rose a perfectly arched brow at his grim appearance.

"To think he'd be happy he finally got laid" she muttered softly but Payne was so lost in whatever thoughts he didn't even have the courtesy to glare at her.

He walked over to his dish of food and sat near the kitchen window in a separate seat from where I sat.

I felt my heart sink in my chest.

The reality of what I'd said seemed so terrible now.

I ruined everything.

Closing my eyes I focused on his thoughts but was stopped as I met a mental wall restricting me from anything he felt.

I couldn't read him so I tried communicating.

"I'm sorry," I said to his thoughts but he didn't reply.

The three of us sat in silence for a while. Payge even had the audacity to not make noises as she ate her ice cream.

When Payne was done eating my guilt had finally eaten away my insides and I got up and approached him.

He didn't even look at me as he dodged my presence. I pulled his arm forcing him to stop but I knew that if he truly wanted to walk away he'd pull away from me and do it.

"I'm sorry Payne, I just needed to know the truth and it was the easiest way to get it,"I pleaded with him but he just stared ahead seemingly ignoring my words.

"Payne its not true! He didn't do it. I saw it when I was in your head," Payne's head turned to me and the look he gave me almost made me cringe back, "he only made a small cut, you were conscious only when he'd made the first cut but then he stopped. Nothings wrong with you. Only a cut Payne."

Payne just stared at me. I couldn't read his expression it was too blank. Nothing to reveal what he thought or felt.

"I'll never touch you again then."

He turned and walked out of the room.

I followed behind him. We weren't done but I'd rather talk to him away from Payge. We didn't need an audience.

He was walking so fast trying to get away from me I had to basically run to catch up to him.
I grabbed his bicep and pulled with all my might.

"Stop!" I begged him and after continuous pulls he finally stopped and yanked his hand out of my grip causing me to back step a little.

"What the fuck do you want from me? I tried ! I did what I had to do to make you happy now you have my mark and I've fucked you. What the hell do you want now?!" He yelled at me and his voice sounded so strained I felt to crumble to the floor. This was all my fault. He was right. He did do everything right but I just wouldn't be happy with his effort. I wanted more and it wasn't possible for him to give me that.

"I'm sorry," I let out. "All I want is for you to love me." I felt tears threaten to fall but I held them in. "That's all, I want a future with a mate that loves me! Or a mate that can actually do that! All that you've done doesn't matter because you don't love me Payne and I love you."

If my words were supposed to affect Payne somehow he didn't show it. He stayed silent. Waiting for me to say something again. I knew he wasn't going to say anything back. How foolish of me to think anything else.

"I can't do this anymore." I let the tears fall. "I'm ruining everything but I won't settle for less than all of you."

A frown tugged at his lips and he studied me for a minute. He looked as unsure of me as I was of him.

He'd walked away so many times since we met, now it was my turn.

I left Payne standing in the hallway and walked back to my room locking the door on my way in.

Silence was everywhere and with darkness outside and no lights on in here darkness was everywhere too.

How ironic.

I stripped out of my clothes feeling numb of everything and walked into the bathroom.

With the silence I knew if I listened hard enough I'd hear my heart breaking.

I'm done. I can't do this anymore. It wouldn't work. It doesn't work.

We're meant to be but we're not meant to be if that made sense. It would be a cycle that constantly repeated itself. We'd be good one day and as good as finished the other.

Thats not how mates were supposed to be and how was I supposed to survive keeping that up knowing that Payne didn't love me?

I basically told him we had a chance of a future with our own family and he said he'd never touch me again.

What more was there for me to do? How long was I supposed to wait till this got better?

I turned on the shower and put the water on the hottest temperature.

I'd been through so much.

When my patents left I was so young, I could remember every single word those people told me. I was weak, worthless and nothing good would ever come to me.

And as of lately according to what my parents had told me, I wasn't supposed to even live this long. I was tiny, weak and bad luck seemed to follow me everywhere I went.

There was no future for me other than suffering so why should I even go on?

I should put Payne out of his misery and put myself out of it too.

Rummaging through the drawers under the sink in the bathroom I found what I was looking for in a small box filled with four others.

I only needed one.

I locked the bathroom door and entered into the shower and let the steamy water soak me from head to toe as I sank down to the tiled floor with the razor blade in my hand.

I let myself crumble and fall apart even more replaying everything that happened since I met Payne to now, would I be any better off if I did make it to the human village? Knowing my luck probably not.

I loved Payne. Don't ask me how I knew I did because I'd never felt that emotion since I was younger and I loved my parents, there was something or everything about him that I wanted to keep forever but forever with Payne wouldn't be perfect because he refused to let himself love me. Maybe he just couldn't but I didn't believe that. He felt something just as much as I did and I've waited long enough for him to figure it out.

Without Payne there was nothing out there for me. I had nothing else. I'll never run to my parents who disowned me and left me to literally die in my alpha's care and I can't run away, if I did and I made it to the human village there was nothing there for me either and I'd eventually end up doing what I am about to do now.

Sooner or later this was what was supposed to happen to me.

I held out the razor blade but I couldn't see it, my vision was blurred by the tears that wouldn't stop falling.

Payne was broken. Completely and I only fixed one piece of his puzzle and there was the other that was completely missing from the box.

I was nothing. I couldn't even call myself broken because that would intend for there to be something to break. There was never anything for me or of me.

I was getting weaker and weaker every passing day. I still felt pain from losing my virginity last night. Most werewolves would have lost all pain a couple of minutes after the first penetration and then that was it.

So that meant that if I dug this razor blade into my wrist deep enough I'd probably bleed out before the slow healing would even start.

I pressed the cool metal to my revealed wrist.

This wasn't the first time I'd done this and the memories of the first time came to my mind.

I'd just gotten beat up by a group of boys, I hadn't done anything wrong but I was the punching bag.

My spine had bent and I actually felt when it moved back into place. It hurt. Everywhere hurt.

I'd run up to the attic where my piece of a room was and I'd used a butter knife I'd stollen to dig into my wrists.

Back then my healing actually worked normal but I tried my best to get them deep enough to make an effect.

I didn't feel the pain of the knife digging into my flesh then, I'd been in so much from before if I didn't look at the knife digging into my flesh I'd probably think it wasn't doing anything at all.

I pressed the razor blade into my wrist.

I hissed through my teeth but I kept on going horizontally on my wrist.

Once the cut was done there was thick blood oozing from the slice and I began crying harder. I released the sobs from my chest and the cut burned only slightly compared to how my heart hurt.

I wanted to die and this was my chance to finally let go.

Of everything.

I'd been holding on too long for something that Payne had let go of the minute his silver eyes had set on me the first time.

I began to feel dizzy and my eyes felt heavy.

I closed them, welcoming my death.

I couldn't feel anymore pain.

_______________________

I'm completely terrified to read the comments on this chapter but here goes.

Vote. Comment and please don't kill me.

Xoxo
Random