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vibrant

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the first time you ever laid your eyes on her, you immediately thought she was... something.

soft blonde locks draped over her shoulders ever so flawlessly, sweet plump cherry lips, and eyes - oh god, those gorgeous hazelnut eyes.

they'd be the death of you.

but it's not just her appearance that caught you dead in your tracks the moment she arrived at the house party your best friend, lisa, hosted that night. there was more to it, more to her than meets the eye, and you were sure of it. you were certain.

you thought maybe it's the fact that she radiates colour. bright beautiful colours that immediately brought life and light into the dark, loud room of lisa's enormous apartment.

you noticed that she held her head up high, a sweet, insanely alluring smile plastered firmly on her innocent, angelic face.

and the second you met gazes with her.

fuck.

you could never forget how intensely she held hers on yours. how she magically drew you almost in an instant with those captivating pools of hazel in her eyes. they almost looked like they were made of glass, perhaps because of the shots of vodka she just finished forcing down her throat and the light of the disco ball reflecting flawlessly on them.

it was difficult to put all of that in just one word.

beautiful?

no. anyone can be beautiful. not her, she's more than that. there's more to her. so much more.

gorgeous, perhaps?

still no.

a lot can be gorgeous. your best friend, lisa, is gorgeous. that girl staring intensely at you from the dance floor is gorgeous.

but not her.

she's far different from lisa, you thought, because your heart didn't race abnormally inside your chest the first time you saw her. she's different from the girl at the dance floor too, because when you met gazes and she smiled at you, you weren't drawn deep and fast at all.

how do you describe her?

-

the first time you ever made out with her was at another party hosted by your softball teammate, seulgi, this time.

it wasn't much of a big deal to her because she considers you as one of her friends, the closest ones there is. after all, it's already been a month since you've met and introduced yourselves to each other.

you could still remember how that day, the day she approached you and started a casual conversation with you, became the best day of your life.

that day, you found out that her name is chaeyoung, and it is unique and beautiful and you loved the way it sweetly rolled off your tongue whenever you said it out loud.

chaeyoung.

chaeyoung is kind and nice, so you've immediately decided that you like her. she's got the same interests as you, the very reason why the two of you instantly clicked.

however, you found out (in the worst way possible) that not everything she likes, you do too.

it was when she sat beside you on the couch that night at seulgi's house party. she was drunk, you could tell by the smell of tequila reeking from her slightly parted cherry lips as she sent you a sly, knowing smile she only ever uses whenever she needs something from you.

"what?" you asked her in an almost shaky voice because you suddenly felt her hand running up your arm slowly, in a way that platonic best friends would never do. "do you want a ride home?"

chaeyoung let out a giggle at your question before bopping the tip of your nose and resting her chin on your left shoulder. "no, but i do have a favor to ask."

you nodded once, not really thinking about it much. "shoot."

she looked at you straight in the eyes, pools of hazel once again drawing you close and deep and you couldn't pull away from the insanely strong gaze she held towards you.

and then, all of a sudden, you felt her hands reaching up to cup either sides of your face and pull you in for an unexpected kiss.

you were beyond surprised, yet you didn't protest.

how could you when it's all you've ever dreamed of from the start?

so you kissed her back, deeply, passionately, but you didn't understand why as your kiss was soft and full, hers was rough and rather empty.

nonetheless, chaeyoung's lips were soft, and sweet like cocktails and little candy canes; they were delicious.

delicious to the extent that pulling away wouldn't be possible anymore.

she climbed on your lap first before breaking the kiss, chuckling amusedly at you because she caught you running after her insanely addictive lips, obviously wanting more. running her forefinger down your reddened cheek, she lifted your chin up so your gazes could meet once again, and that's when she decided to ruin everything for you.

you see, you were busy riding high on your hope.

that stupid, desperate hope that she might actually like you back.

but boy, were you wrong.

"just... go with the flow, jisoo, okay?"

those were the words that tremendously confused you at first, but then you realized what chaeyoung was talking about when she kissed you again.

this time, however, she wasn't looking at you.

she was looking at the guy leaning against the marble counter of seulgi's kitchen, biting your bottom lip ever so seductively as she sent him over a wink before getting back to you and shamelessly going on with your dirty, little show.

if you knew better, you would've stopped her immediately, pushed her away and left her by herself in that room.

because if you knew better, you wouldn't allow chaeyoung to use you.

and you wouldn't allow yourself to take advantage of the situation just to get to kiss her and touch her the way platonic best friends would never do.

but you didn't.

because with chaeyoung kissing you like that, running her hands through your thick brown locks, and pressing herself further as she melted against your body,

you suddenly didn't know better at all.

-

the first time chaeyoung almost saw you cry was when you both went to, the head cheerleader, jennie kim's game night.

you didn't even know jennie hosted game nights. the girl was unquestionably gorgeous, but she wasn't like the typical high school cheer captain you read in books or watch in cringey chick flick movies.

jennie kim isn't mean and cold. instead, she's kind and sweet; like chaeyoung.

she doesn't bully nerds and push them around the hallways. instead, she talks to them about books and reads with them at the library after cheerleading practices.

she doesn't have to flirt with the professor to pass her biology classes. instead, she declines countless of dates offered to her by her admirers just so she could spend her free time studying to excellence.

she's not much of a party-goer and a wild drinker. instead, she's a cinephile, a film buff. she'd rather spend her friday nights watching movies by herself at home instead of getting drunk and shoving her tongue down a quarterback's throat.

she's not a reckless driver but it didn't make her less popular, and she doesn't wear make-up but it didn't make her less beautiful.

jennie kim is different, she stands out from the rest.

like chaeyoung; but different is still not what you think the proper description for her is.

"chu,"

you thought you were thinking too hard of the blonde that you literally drew her towards you. looking up, you found chaeyoung smiling at you, the familiar scent of vodka laced with the strawberries in her breath hitting your face, and her glassy hazelnut orbs piercing right through your soul.

you already know what she meant by that look. but still, you had to ask. "yeah, chaeng?" because you were still making a fool out of yourself and silently hoping that the words that would come out of her mouth would be different this time.

they aren't.

she reached your spot and didn't hesitate to straddle your lap. it didn't catch you off-guard anymore, because you're already used to it.

chaeyoung leaned her forehead against yours, smiling widely as she let out a small, sultry giggle. "it's showtime, babe."

showtime. she didn't have to call it that anymore. you already knew she meant making out in front of another cute boy she found at the party that she decided is good enough for her to use for a night; making out until the view turns him on and urges him to pull chaeyoung out of your loving hold for him to fuck senseless like a toy.

you already knew she meant watching her let the guy shove his tongue down her throat because of your work, because of how good you made chaeyoung look in front of him.

you already knew she meant taking advantage of your kindness again, because she knew you wouldn't be able to refuse her when she stared at you like that; like you're the only thing she sees.

you already knew the meaning behind that word, that one word that never fails to destroy you inside whenever it reeks out of chaeyoung's mouth.

you already knew because you're already used to it.

although you can't really blame her, because you never really tried to stop her the first time she did it, anyway.

it was stupid, you were stupid.

but still, not once did you do something about it. maybe because deep down, even if it kills you, you know for yourself that you wanted it too.

you wanted chaeyoung to use you because that's the only way she could be this close to you, this intimate, this bold, and this happy.

you so badly wanted to be able to hold her and kiss her in a way platonic friends would never do, that you let her physically use you as a make out show partner to gain a horny boy's attention before she leaves you by yourself again and goes home with him at the end of the night.

and as chaeyoung pulled you in for a heated kiss, porcelain hands once again swimming freely through your tousled hair, you only thought of one thing;

you were selfish.

you were selfish because you were using her, your straight friend who's clearly not into you at all. you were taking advantage of the situation, of her needing your help to get the attention of the guy she actually likes, because you want her.

you want her for yourself even though she's already made it clear to you that she didn't want you back, that she's not "like that" as she pointed out when you drunkenly confessed your love for her a few weeks prior.

you couldn't forget the way chaeyoung took a few steps back when you said it, hazel eyes wide in shock, because she said she thought you weren't like that too.

she thought that you were straight. that you liked guys just as much as she does.

she was wrong.

and that's what caused her to distance herself from you for two straight and painfully slow days.

although it didn't last long, anyway, since you talked about it and settled everything with her, agreeing on just staying together as friends.

but you didn't know that by that, she meant her make out buddy.

you didn't stop her, though.

and it didn't stop you at all, either.

the excruciating pain inside your chest, and the burning sensation of the tears at the back of your eyes that you were trying so desperately to hold in, it didn't stop you from using chaeyoung, and from using the situation as a reason to touch her and kiss her the way you dreamed of,

it didn't stop you from being selfish at all.

and thank god at that very moment, when you felt your eyes almost betraying you, crystal tears now at the verge of falling from your burning chocolate orbs, chaeyoung was finally pulled away from your loving hold by the cute guy that's been watching you since the moment you locked lips with the blonde.

and showtime's over.

but you were rather thankful for the tears that instantly rushed out of your eyes the moment chaeyoung shoved her tongue down the guy's throat right in front of you, after she's done with you,

because as if it purposedly blurred your vision, making the sight not too painful to look at, anymore.

-

chaeyoung is something, like you've always thought she is since the night you met her at lisa's party.

but the first time you ever realized what word describes her best is at the homecoming dance in senior year.

you were under the bleachers, killing some time because the crowd overwhelms you a little. you were by yourself because lisa went to exchange pleasantries with her childhood best friend from the football team. you remember his name as bambam, and you smile and talk to each other a little whenever you stumble upon him in the hallways or the crowded cafeteria. but you weren't really close, so you decided not to come with lisa anymore.

also, coming along with the thai as she chats with the football team means seeing chaeyoung giggle at some stupid joke that one of bambam's quarterback chums whispers in her ear as he subtly grazes her dress-clad waist.

and man, how painful could that sight be?

so you decided it's best to just hide under the empty bleachers inside the enormous school gym, a glass of cocktail drink the only thing that's keeping you company.

well, not until you suddenly heard a familiar voice ringing against your ear from behind.

"my god, this party sucks. i wanna go home." jennie mumbled as she neared your spot, completely pulling you out of your trance. she fixed her dress before looking towards you and sending over a friendly, gummy grin. "and, may i ask, what could the star softball captain be doing alone under this dark, dusty space that she cleary doesn't belong to?"

the question made you chuckle, and you swore you saw jennie's feline eyes crinkle a little at the sound of your laugh, but you chose not to comment on it anymore.

you took a sip off your glass as you turned towards the people at the dance floor.

"you said it yourself, queen bee. it sucks," you retorted, glancing over at the cheerleader whose gaze is still steadily held towards you. you didn't stare at her back, because the sound of chaeyoung's joyous squeal as she swayed her body back and forth in the middle of the dance floor caught your attention instead. you thought the sight was beautiful, something you could just stare at forever, but the guy that suddenly held her by the waist and she held back by the shoulders instantly caused your heart to sink helplessly to the ground. "and i really just wanna go home, too."

you heard jennie scoff, and the sound of her light footsteps directed towards you caused you to glance over her again. you saw her still staring at you, smile friendly, but cat-eyes rolling playfully as she spoke.

"okay, first of all, don't call me that." you chuckled, nodding once in apology. "i hate it when people refer to me as that. it's so cringey."

you shook your head, smiling amusedly at the younger girl now standing next to you who's watching the people at the dancefloor as well. "you're the head cheerleader."

"doesn't mean i'm some kind of ruler, whatsoever." jennie rolled her eyes once again, and that's only when you realized you were still looking at her, so you immediately turned away. "second, i'm too perceptive for my own good, so no one dares to fool me, kim jisoo. clearly there's something wrong because you're hiding under the bleachers instead of playing your usual role out there as the life of the party."

jennie's statement caused you to grin wider at her, eyebrows raising as you returned. "i'm the life of the party?"

"you're a jock." she shrugged, raising her eyebrow as well to mirror your expression. "technically, a party without jocks and cheerleaders would be a joke."

"okay. if that's true, then, why are you here hiding under the bleachers with me?"

jennie laughed, shaking her head at you as she returned her gaze back to the people at the dance floor. "touché."

silence consumed the two of you after your laughter died down, but it was rather comfortable. both of you were just intently watching the drunken bodies of your schoolmates dancing in front of you, neither wanting to ruin the serene atmosphere that just unexpectedly stood in between your adjacent bodies.

that's until you suddenly felt jennie lean her head on your shoulder.

looking towards her, you saw her close her eyes as she widened her smile for you, because she was rather aware that you were curiously staring. "it'd be like that sometimes, you know?"

you felt your heart drop, immediately picking up what the cheerleader just meant by that.

"how'd you know?" you found yourself curious, so you asked.

"i've been skipping a few study sessions to attend weekend game nights recently." she shrugged, head still firmly leaning against your shoulder as she spoke. "i even hosted one last week, don't you remember?"

of course you did.

it was one of the nights you'd rather not remember at all, but unfortunately, you do. and it was stupid.

you sighed, shaking your head a little. "yeah, i recall."

jennie hummed in response, eyes still closed as she took a deep breath as well. you didn't move in your spot because she might think that you didn't want her head leaning on your shoulder, which isn't true. in fact, you actually thought it was nice and comforting.

you were grateful to jennie for it.

"and you and chaeyoung weren't exactly private whenever you put up a show of intimacy for the boy she takes interest in, so i've seen it several times already, too."

you just wished for the ground to swallow you alive.

you hate to realize that it's not really just the boy chaeyoung likes who sees your little show at every house party. instead, it's out on the public.

and the worst part? people knew you were gay and chaeyoung wasn't.

it means people have been knew that she's only using you for show.

"exactly the reason why i was here by myself. i feel like i don't really have a face to show people anymore." you forced a chuckle, finding yourself opening up to the cheerleader a little.

because if you didn't, you felt like you won't be able to bear your own emotions anymore.

it's just too much, and too heavy to deal with alone.

and you knew what people think of you. it was obvious by the way they look at you sympathetically after every make out show you put up with the blonde. you hated that they pity you, but it's not like you choose to do something about it, either.

you thought it was unfair; the way you just really can't say no to chaeyoung no matter how much it even ruins you inside and out.

it was definitely unfair.

absolutely, unquestionably unfair.

"you know, at second thought, maybe a dance wouldn't hurt."

you chuckled at jennie's abrupt changing of topic, watching her as she lifted her head off your shoulder to look at you properly.

she was grinning, so you smiled at her back. "i thought you said this party sucks and you wanna go home?"

"yeah, but i also said that a party without jocks and cheerleaders would be a joke." she said, crossing her arms as she titled her head to the side adorably. "maybe this party won't be too shitty if both you and i were in there, don't you think?"

you weren't really able to register it anymore when jennie just pulled you towards the dance floor with her a little too eagerly, not leaving any room for whatever bullshit excuse you're making up inside your head. she didn't let go of your hands even when the two of you reached the middle. instead, she placed both of them over her waist where she clearly wants it to be.

it's as if on cue that the music changes from upbeat to slow, making both you and jennie laugh as she encircled her arms around your neck. "i can't believe i'm actually doing this cliché high school crap with you." she chuckled lightly, and so did you.

"don't blame me, you were the one who forcefully pulled me in here." you retorted, making her roll her eyes in faux-annoyance.

you were rather surprised when jennie pulled you closer, completely engulfing you in a soft embrace as you both continued to sway your bodies slowly side by side. you felt your lips tug to your eyes.

"it's not so bad, is it?" she mumbled against your ear, leaning her head gently on your shoulder as she tightened her hold around you. "and the thought of doing this once in a while, with the person dearest to your heart, it's nice right?"

it was a confession, and you would've noticed it immediately if only you weren't abruptly pulled out of your trance by a sudden occurence you least expected to happen.

it was as if the universe was playing a silly trick on you, because the moment jennie let those words out, you suddenly met gazes with chaeyoung's captivating hazelnut orbs. she was dancing with the boy whom she's already been with since earlier that night, and they weren't that far away from your spot.

you saw her eyes widen a little when she realized that you were actually in there, slow dancing with jennie kim, and not even bothered by people's curious staring at all.

chaeyoung's gaze travelled down your hands resting on jennie's waist, lingering a little before she abruptly pulls them back again to look at you instead.

you smiled at her, unable read the emotions swimming along the pools of hazel in her eyes, yet you were certain of the fact that she didn't smile back.

instead, she pulled away from the guy she's dancing with only to smash her lips against his firmly, forcefully, hungrily, as if it was a desperate measure, a necessary move, to kiss him while you were watching them.

right then and there, you thought that the universe really was playing some kind of a fucked up joke on you.

because the moment jennie lets those words roll off her tongue, was also the moment you see the pesron dearest to your heart dancing and locking lips with someone else.

and your heart just clenched tight inside your chest, dropping helplessly to the tiled ground and shattering into tiny little pieces as you tried the hardest to look away.

but you couldn't.

you didn't know why, but you just can't take your eyes off of her.

so you watched how chaeyoung moved her lips to deepen their kiss, eyes shut close as if it'd be the death of her if she opens it even just a little to look back at you.

you were glad she did, though, because you weren't sure if you're still gonna be able to hold back your tears when you met gazes with her again.

it hurts. god knows how badly it does, not being with the girl you really want to be with, because she said she didn't want you back.

god, does it hurt; not being able to hold her in your arms as you swayed your flushed bodies along the graceful music, and not being the one she kisses lovingly as you both stood under the bright, shiny spotlight in the middle of the dance floor,

and her only reason was that because you weren't a guy.

what if you were?

will she give this, you and her, a shot somehow?

you swallowed a lump in your throat, teary chocolate eyes still piercing through chaeyoung's direction. she was still with him, kissing him, arms wrapped tightly around his neck, even though by the end of the night, you knew and she knew very well that he'd only ever want her body and nothing more,

even though it wasn't him to give her the love she deserves.

it's bullshit, because you were just standing right behind them, willing to give her the entire world, even though she does nothing but mercilessly break your heart over and over again.

god, it hurts.

but despite of that, the pain that's continuously consuming you alive, giving you the hardest time to breathe, you still can't find yourself having the courage and the power to look away.

and now, you finally knew the reason why.

it's because chaeyoung is vibrant. like roses and cherries; she's easy, profoundly alive, and she radiates colour and light that makes her stand out from the rest that surrounds the dark of the room you're currently in.

she's the type of beautiful which shines the brightest beyond measures that it ends up blinding you, but you were too busy falling deeper and deeper to care even the slightest bit.

and the fact that she hurts you just isn't enough reason for you to stop; to stop riding high on your hope and stop playing her twisted game, because after all, it's her.

it's chaeyoung.

and you love chaeyoung, for chaeyoung.

you know she's vibrant, because the life and light brought by her strawberry blonde locks, sweet pinkish cherry lips, and alluring hazelnut gems all kept her from completely drowning in the dull of her undertaking that she didn't even realize was the reason for your pain.

the blood oozing from your shattered heart is of crimson red,

while you, yourself, were of a vibrant shade blue.

"yeah," you found yourself croaking out as an answer to jennie's question, hands unconsciously tightening around her waist as you finally let go of the tears burning at the back of your troubled chocolate orbs. "it is."

it must be.

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writer's note:

please don't hate me :(

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