Brezen

Claire extracted what was left of herself and her mind from the battle at Squall's End. Returning to awareness was a slow process, slow and painful. Her muscles were clenched tight. Her shoulders trembled. Each breath was a painful gasp that did little to calm her churning stomach. She placed her hand against it, willing it to calm.

Death keens filled the air around her. The Drengr mourned their losses. But they didn't experience them as she had. She felt each pain like a blade to the chest, until there had been so many that the ache became constant.

Bile rose into her throat, up, up, up. "Koldis, I need to land. Now!"

Koldis dropped into a nosedive. Seconds later, she was on the ground. The other Drengr landed, maintaining formation around them. She made it a mere five steps before keeling over. She spilled her guts on the ground. Her throat burned as what little she had ingested came up. She heaved and heaved and heaved again.

Jovari was at her side a moment later, holding her hair back, whispering soothing words, rubbing her back. She hardly noticed him. Didn't hear him. Everything around her was muted by the ringing screams in her ears. All she saw was the blurry ground through her watering eyes.

She heaved until there was nothing left. Then she kept her hands on her knees, facing the ground, breathing hard.

"Here." Jovari handed her a handkerchief, summoned from gods-only-knew-where. She wiped her mouth then crumpled it in her fist, clenching tight.

Her head cleared...somewhat. Her muscles gained a measure of strength, but she was still shaking. She stood upright, looking around.

Everyone watched, the Drengr maintaining form with Riders perched in their harnesses. They waited. That they'd seen her vomiting, seen her weakness, mattered little. In fact, nothing at all mattered anymore.

"Reyr lives," she told Jovari and Koldis, offering what hope she could. As if his life made up for so many losses. Even her own telepathic words rang hollow. "The fort retreats to Brezen. We will meet them there," she added. She couldn't summon an ounce of emotion to color her voice. She was too...broken. Like she had shattered over and over with every death, with every injury, every loss.

She climbed back onto Koldis's back, strapping herself in. They returned to the sky minutes later. A few sips of water eased the clawing rawness of her throat, but it did little else.

Anger soon stabbed through the hollowness in her chest, leaving her flushed. Talon's Shields had asked too much of her. They'd taken advantage of her ability, using Reyr as a bargaining chip. They'd used her unfairly. Had she known the cost—

"You going to be okay?" Koldis asked.

"What do you think?" she snapped, glaring at his green scales. Muscles bulged beneath them every time he flapped his wings. "No, Koldis. I am not going to be okay."

"I...I am sorry. I did not know it would be—"

"Did not know?! I doubt that very much. You had no right to ask that of me. Especially after you saw what happened the first time. And especially after..." She couldn't say Hiondel's name aloud. Or Lilly's. She'd had enough. She was done. She never wanted to hear another telepathic voice, never wanted to see another projection ever, ever again. If this was the price, then it was too much.

"Claire, I really am sorry." Jovari this time. "You are right. We shouldn't have—"

"Stop talking!" she hissed. "Both of you. Just...stop."

She massaged her temples, trying to get rid of the ache. Jovari didn't say anything else, though he flew beside her, regarding her with his glittering eyes, his monstrous blue head.

She closed her eyes and placed her face against Koldis's neck, against his glassy scales. Sleep. All she wanted was sleep. To forget. To make everything disappear.

Plumes of fire and smoke raged behind the blackness of her lids, stinging her nostrils. She groaned. Would she ever get away from it? The ringing screams in her ears? The smell of charred flesh? The feeling of talons ripping through her scales?

It was useless. How could she expect any semblance of peace after something like that?

"We need to inform King Talon of Fort Squall's demise," said Koldis to Jovari, cutting through her mind. She clenched her teeth, trying to ignore his voice.

"I was thinking the same," said Jovari. "But how? We don't even know if he has left Esterpine yet. Even if we send a runner..."

"It will be days," Koldis finished.

"This news will devastate him."

Her muscles tensed. Couldn't they just shut up already? Was it too much to ask for a bit of silence? A few minutes of peace? She thought about saying as much.

It is not their fault...

Cyrus? Cyrus, please. Can't you make it go away?

That was a very brave thing you did, Claire.

That's...great. I don't care about being brave. I just want it to stop. Is there a way?

Even after learning the mechanics of blocking, she had never successfully blocked anything in close proximity. In fact, she had accepted that it was something she would grapple with forever.

Proximity makes it difficult, yes. But even a Drengr can block whilst side by side.

A feeble flame of hope ignited in her chest.

If it's possible, then why can't I do it?

Your ability is different. But I believe...there might be a way.

Then do it! Take it away. Take it all away.

There was a long silence, and then, Blocking everything out will not fix the way you feel.

I don't care! I want it to stop! Please...make it stop.

She was shouting now, shouting at him because she had no one else to shout at. In her head. Like a crazy person.

Can you help me or not?

He gave a mental sigh. Claire, your abilities are yours and yours alone to grapple with. My interference does not allow you to grow.

Ugh! Great. Thanks. So, you would rather see me suffer? I know you want to see me figure things out, but we don't have time for that, Cyrus. If you have a way to help me, stop holding back. I need you. Isn't that why you planted yourself in my head in the first place? Why you gave me your soul?

Planted...

She could almost picture plumes of smoke seeping from his pearlescent nostrils.

That's a rather rugged term for it, don't you think? I gifted you my soul. Being in your head is simply a result of that. Remember, it isn't all fun and games for me either....

Are you going to help me, or not?

He was silent for longer than she appreciated. And then, I will help you. Relax your mind. It will require a bit of control on my part.

"Thank the gods," she muttered aloud, relaxing her mind as he advised. A few scattered conversations from the surrounding Drengr broke through.

And then everything disappeared. Everything went silent. As if Cyrus had managed to flip some mental switch, shutting everything out. Her head tilted. She sat motionless, listening, unsure if the fix would hold.

There was only silence. Blessed, blessed silence. She exhaled, long and slow. It had worked.

Of course it worked. Cyrus sounded pleased. When you are ready to lift the barrier, you need only say so.

What makes you so sure I'll ever be ready?

She waited for his response, but it did not come. After a minute of silence, and then two, she accepted his retreat and closed her eyes again, thrusting her mind into darkness. That was when she saw them again. Each dragon, each Drengr, each Rider's death. The battle at Squall's End was a chaotic frenzy. It had been impossible to make sense of it as everything bombarded her all at once—the voices, the projections, the emotions. It mixed together into a slushy soup.

In the silence of the sky, her brain acted as if it was finally ready to sift through it...achingly slowly. But she wasn't ready for that—not at all. Fresh tears oozed from beneath her closed eyes.

Cyrus? Can you make this go away too?

Yes, he said, reading her mind again. Sleep.

As he said it, everything disappeared. At long last, sleep overcame her. A dreamless sleep, thank the gods.

When she woke, it was to find Koldis descending beneath the clouds, just past the midday mark. Her muscles weren't shaking anymore. Thanks to Cyrus giving her the gift of sleep, she felt stronger, more alert.

Their break was short, just long enough to see to their needs. She was painfully hungry, but when she tried to choke down some dried meat, she couldn't seem to work up the appetite. So instead, she paced back and forth, trying to loosen up.

A still silence surrounded their party, as if the world also knew what had happened that morning. Few words were spoken aloud. Whether they were said in the silence, she couldn't say. Cyrus was still maintaining a mental barrier for her, and she was glad of it.

Wherever she looked, everyone wore their grief openly, mouths set in thin lines, eyes bloodshot.

"You've been ignoring us," Koldis said. He and Jovari came up beside her.

She faced them. "Blocking, not ignoring."

Their eyebrows knitted together. "I thought you couldn't turn us off like that."

"Apparently I can now. So if you have something to say, you can say it out loud to my face."

"What about when we are in the sky?" Jovari crossed his arms, eying her warily, like she was the dragon that might bite his head off at any given moment.

"Guess we'll have to opt for silence, won't we?"

Jovari sighed. "Look, Claire, I know what we asked of you was—" he stopped mid-sentence at the look she gave him.

"Fine, we will let you be," Koldis said, lifting his hands in supplication. "We depart in five minutes. If...if you want to fly with Jovari instead of me, that's fine."

"I'm mad at both of you equally," she hissed, but immediately regretted it when Koldis flinched.

He gave her a curt nod. "As you wish." They both left her standing there, staring after them.

Eager to get away, she walked from the group, taking advantage of the few remaining minutes she had to be alone. When it was time to depart, she went back to Koldis. He snorted when she climbed into the harness. Probably offended, but whatever.

They flew for the remainder of the day, only stopping once more for a quick break. She spent most of the time in a dreamless sleep, thanks to Cyrus. But after darkness fell, she could no longer keep her eyes closed.

Her legs ached, her stomach grumbled. She just wanted a bed and silence. To be left alone.

All that was forgotten when she saw the glitter of lights on the horizon. A tiny cluster, about the size of her thumbnail.

"Is that Brezen?" she asked Koldis before remembering that Cyrus had barricaded her mind. There would be no answer.

Should I lift the barrier? Cyrus asked.

She snorted. No, thank you. Save me from the misery of it.

As you wish....

The cluster of lights grew larger. Beyond it, was the dark horizon of Stormy Bay's inlet. She'd seen enough Dragonwall maps with Mage Joren. Directly on the other side of the inlet was a small peninsula where Squall's End and Fort Squall were nestled. She tried not to think about what had happened there that morning. Or was it yesterday? Surely it was well past midnight now.

They changed direction, beginning their descent. The ground approached at a rapid rate. A wooden settlement took form, sprawling comfortably across the landscape. It wasn't tightly constructed like Kastali Dun, with houses upon houses. Instead, there was plenty of space between the buildings to spread out. Cottages had yards and barns. There were farms. Fences. She wished it was daytime so she could better see.

Sitting beside Brezen was the extensive camp where the refugees from Fort Squall had settled. Here there were far more lights than in Brezen. The camp was complete with rows and rows of tents and torchlit aisles. Sentries stood guard around its perimeter, but otherwise all was quiet. She half expected to be greeted by excited Drengr bugles but it seemed that not a one was in sight. Perhaps they were all sleeping.

The ground swept up before them. Both wings landed. She unbuckled her harness before Koldis had come to a full stop, and when he did, she bounded off his back, slinging her pack over her shoulder.

"Hey! Where are you going?" he shouted after her in the dark, then jogged to catch up, already in human form. Jovari caught up with them too.

"To find Reyr," she said, as if that wasn't obvious enough.

"You really think you'll find him in this mess all by yourself? Besides, didn't he say something to Byron about leaving—"

"I don't care what he said." She rounded on them, glaring at Koldis. "I'm going to find him." He opened his mouth to speak, but she stormed off toward the camp. They followed, keeping a safe distance behind her.

Soldiers on watch intercepted her when she reached the camp. "Where can I find Lord Reyr?" she asked before they got a single word out. "Well?"

"Lord Reyr?" They regarded her before glancing over her shoulder at Jovari and Koldis. "He...isn't here, miss."

"Isn't here?!" Her eyes fell over the rows of tents. "I'll believe that when I see it."

But deep down, she already knew. Even if she hadn't fully sifted through everything she'd seen that morning, she knew he'd left, without a word to her about it. Without saying goodbye. Without letting her know that he was alive after the battle. He didn't know she had been listening in, that she had observed the battle's entirety in the form of scattered, broken images that she wasn't yet ready to piece together.

No, he hadn't bothered to say a damn thing.

She took a deep breath. "Who is in charge here? Where is the command tent?"

The soldiers glanced at Koldis and Jovari before answering. "At the center of camp. Follow that main aisle there and you'll find it." They stepped aside.

She set off. In her wake, she heard Koldis and Jovari muttering apologies to the soldiers, informing them of the new arrivals before jogging to catch up to her.

"Claire..."

"Don't, Koldis. I don't need a lecture. I'm going to do all that I can to find him."

They passed into the camp, continuing down the main aisle toward the camp's center. Tents were evenly spaced with torches between them, all burning brightly. Their triangular shapes had flaps that parted in the middle. A few opened when she passed, heads popping out to gaze at her.

"What if Reyr doesn't want to be found?" Jovari asked.

"That's stupid. Why would you think that?"

She knew he was right. Something in the way Reyr had spoken to Byron during the battle had said as much. She didn't want to accept it, though. That he was gone. That he might never come back. That she might never apologize to him for what had happened between them.

There were very few people milling about at this hour. Those she passed looked at her with curiosity. When she reached the center of camp, she found the command tent. There were six guards outside. Their hands went to their weapons at the sight of her sudden appearance.

She walked right up to them. "I'm here to see the fort leaders."

They eyed her. "Forgive me, miss. They're in an important meeting. You'll have to come back later."

"A meeting in the middle of the night?" She moved forward, ignoring their recommendations. Two of the guards stepped in front of her, barring her way. Her gaze narrowed. "Let me pass."

Behind her, Koldis sighed. "You had better let her pass."

"Begging your pardon, Drengr-sir, but we have our orders."

"Right. Orders. I really didn't want to play this card." Koldis sighed again. "Whatever your orders are, I override them in the name of the king. I am Lord Koldis. This is Lord Jovari. And this feisty female here is Lady Claire. We're here on king's business. I suggest you step aside and let the lady pass."

The guards went rigid. Their eyes darted between the three of them. "Forgive us, my lords, my lady. We did not know." They moved aside and pulled the tent flaps open, permitting her to pass. She stepped through, ready to confront whatever she was about to find on the other side.

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