(This song never fails to cheer me up)

Life has been so fucking shit.

School has been okay, good, even. But the constant stress of having to get work done, as well as personal projects has taken an awful toll on me so far. I was in an awful place at the beginning of the school year, and now I'm in an even worse place.

What's even worse is my family feels like it's gotten more and more dysfunctional. I don't have any safe spaces left, as if I ever had one in the first place, I'm not able to really feel okay anywhere. I'm always monitoring some parts of my behavior according to where I am or who I'm with, and it's tiring. And I've been dealing with unforseen self-esteem issues. I've always had self-esteem issues themselves, but not like this.

I'm average. So fucking average.

But that's a vent for another time.

I've been crying so much lately. I recently saw IT: Chapter Two (fantastic movie btw) and cried 4 seperate times, it definitely would've been more if Richie wasn't always cracking a joke, but I like... never cry at movies so it was a big first. I'm tearing up right now, I cried yesterday, I cried a bit during last week... I feel like Midoriya, honestly. And it's not a great feeling. I'm so used to just... not having a proper way to cry/cope. I used to always tear up, but never be able to fathom enough within me to actually breakdown and cry, which would automatically bottle it up inside whether I wanted it to or not.

I get that it's "good" to let out emotions, but this is all hitting me like a freight train and feels less "good" and more weakening. Like I'm tearing down whatever boundary, standard or expectation I've set up for myself in the subject of emotional tolerance in the past. Like I'm tearing myself down from the inside and I have no idea what to believe anymore. I've lost a lot of sense of identity that I feel I can't get back, it's painful.

Not to mention, despite my mom wanting to be a child psychologist, she's so fucking oblivious to everything I'm obviously going through. I've been sleeping a lot and waking up an absolute mess, I've skipped dinner for the past few nights, I didn't want to go to my sister's birthday party because I just need.. a break, and when I'm forced to go, she's surprised I don't want to interact or have fun and sit off to the side, it was also head in a bright, loud and crowded bowling alley, and she didn't notice when I was obviously going through a sensory overload, I've been teary and dreary eyed and I keep taking long breaks in the bathroom (to tear up). Her conclusion to all of this? I'm being a bitch.

I just wandered into the kitchen tonight because I pave around in there a lot and daydream if I feel too restless. It makes me really happy, just pacing around and coming up with scenarios in my head that match with the music I'm listening to.

But then she just comes along and asks why I'm up so late. She knows I have issues sleeping at night, so it's kind of odd. And then she just asks me if something's wrong. I say yes, and she asks what it is. I'm in no position to explain without breaking down and waking up the whole house, so I just say "wouldn't you like to know" in a joking manner, but of course everyone in my family is humorless as all fuck and doesn't know what a joke is.

She just goes "why have you been so bitchy recently? Because honestly I'm tired of it." And that just broke me. Whether it was mostly out of sadness or anger I'm unaware of, but I just shut down. She left and then I came into the bathroom to cry and write this because fuck man, I could not be in a worse familial position.

I've been pissing her off because I've been so obviously depressed and defensive, and my best friend's annual birthday sleepover is coming up so I don't think I'll be able to go because of her, and I also do Halloween with my friends, but that's also probably going to be ruined because I'm unsure if I have to drag my sister's along with me, and that just completely ruins the fun and safe space. We also planned to do some fun stuff next sleepover to cheer us all up. Half of us haven't been doing so hot, and the other half care deeply for us so it's like.. a self-care sleepover.

But nope, me being depressed is going to fuck that all up for me, because my family can't notice when I feel like grabbing the biggest knife in the kitchen and mutilating myself as they all watch and laugh at me.

Also I have to present a project tomorrow with my partner, which I'm not ready for since he's so disorganized and we are not ready to present with something so unorthodox, and it stresses me out. But I also only have a few days until my next guitar test (which tests me on two songs I.. do not feel great at playing.)

I want to ask for a mental health day tomorrow, but 1. That's fucking weak, and 2. Even though they let my sister have one, they probably won't let me because I have higher expectations on my shoulders and also I've missed two days already (ooo how terrible). I'd also have to explain why I need my mental health day, and spending that day with them trying to cheer me up when they're one of the most direct causes of it and have done nothing but make everything worse isn't ideal. But fuck... I just can't go tomorrow, I will break down, I need to put up my aloof and humorous facade or else I'll feel out of place everywhere.

I'm such a mess. I'm going to shoot myself, and it's all my fault for not being competent enough to know how to deal with my own issues and be okay.