This is a small emotional rant, more of a realization rather than something I've bottled up.

I try too much.

This isn't a "I try too much to appeal to others, so I'll stop" post.

What I mean is, I try too much, but not in person.

I try to appeal to everyone (except my family since they're used to me just being a crackhead). My friends, my teachers, strangers. I try to be as likable as possible, constantly changing my personality depending on who I'm with, just to please them.

But, that's just the intro to the post.

I try too much to be liked by everyone, and it's working, but I feel as if I'm not doing enough for my friends especially, and I'm much too dependent on my imagination.

In my mind, I'm a saint in the sense that I help everyone in the best way that I can, I show I love them in the best ways possible, I'm able to do everything for them. I'm the perfect friend for someone to talk to, someone to vent to, for someone to hang out with.

I imagine all of this because it's who I genuinely feel like I want to be this person.

No, I feel like I'm supposed to be this person. My life exists to make sure others are happy, to cheer up everyone I can and help them with whatever they're dealing. It's my fate, to help others.

But do I do any of this? No.

I joke around too much about my own mental health to be taken seriously by others, I'm not nice, I'm rude (in that best friend sort of way) and poke fun at my friends for small things, even though I mean it as jokes. I constantly feel the need to drive myself away from people, not because they're bad, because I need constant alone time and I can't express that without someone thinking something is wrong. No, I'm not sad or anything, I just want to be alone for a bit. I'm very stand-offish and dubbed the 'mean' friend because of how much I poke fun, even though I'm also everyone's favorite in the friend group. But just because I'm the favorite, doesn't mean I'm the most trusted, or the (outwardly) nicest.

I want to start acting like who I'm meant to be. I want to be nice, and polite, and friendly, and generally the type of person you could trust with anything, but since I'm marketed as being 'mean' with my closest friends... if I do attempt to try this, they'll make fun of me for it, and I'll just get discouraged and quit.

I want to be the friend I imagine in my mind, but I can't. And the fact that I imagine myself doing all of these incredible things for my friends (and sometimes fictional characters, as disgusting as it sounds), but it's always bottled up inside me without me having ANY idea of how to bring my ideas to fruition, it's honestly depressing.

I have a specific and crippling identity issue (which I will not get into at the moment), and since I genuinely think this could be the first huge step to overcome it that I've ever encountered, the fact that I'm unable to do anything to make it a reality makes me feel completely hopeless and incurable.