just a heads up,
this is gonna be rough.
mainly for me,
but here i go.
[ALSO, DON'T READ IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO SUICIDE TOPICS]

so many things have happened in the past 168 hours (a week) time span.

so many thoughts
so many tears
so many contemplations

[so many quotes saved
sad ones, most especially.]

getting heartbroken.
getting betrayed.
getting into arguments.
getting scolded.
getting my hopes up for something that wasn't even going to happen anyways.

nearly losing a best friend's life?

.. yeah- that too.

Monday, December 23rd, 2019, 1:09 P.M.

I usually check up on people. Some, quicker than others. I spend most of my time online because what teen doesn't these days unless you're restricted. I had just downloaded a nice app two nights ago. It was so cool, that I recommended it to many people! Last night, I checked through my pinterest messages, since that was the only way I could message my best friend who I've been friends with since the last day of kindergarten. So, it had been ten years for our friendship !!

A little bit of background check with this friend: I seen her as a sister. I've cried with her. I've laughed with her. I've fought with her. (verbally and physically). I've stood up for her. She has stood up for me. She's always been here for me. Even.. when I had to leave my hometown. Where we met. Now, I'm 8 hours away, not knowing if she could die at any moment. Her, not knowing if I could die at any moment. She has my back. Through thick and thin. She always messaged me everyday to check up on me, and if I would use the app that day, I would check in on her. I should have checked the app everyday. Multiple times a day. A lot more than I did.

Maybe I could have helped her...

Back to the story..
I had recomended the app after I checked the app. She hadn't sent a message before I recommended the app.. neither did she read what I.. sent? I should have known something was up with that. She would always try her best to talk to me. At least everyday. Thinking nothing of it, I sent the link to the app I'd been boasting about to nearly everyone, before swiping off. Today, I checked to see if she'd seen it.

She still had not read the message I sent.

...

I decided to message my guy best friend who still goes to the same school as her. We were all three best friends. It was awesome when we went to school together. But beginning of freshman year, the two of them had dated. I was so happy for them! I was kinda like a third wheel, but nonetheless, I was ecstatic! Then.. they broke up. No explanation, but they just.. broke up. The guy, on the other hand, had still liked her. Still to this day, he has a hardcore crush on her. I feel bad, though, for they will never end up together. She just absolutely will not date him again, for some odd reason! Back to the point, (Boy, I sure do get off topic a lot.) I messaged him, asking if she was grounded.

His response scared me

"that's-"

"she's in children's hospital."

"recovering from an O.D..."

to which I reply normally..

"wait.. what?-"

...

"happened friday."

"she's alive"

"she took 23 benadryl."

He sent something as well after that, but I didn't care. I realize deleting all social media I had wouldn't solve my problems, but that's just what I did.

I'd only been gone for 8 months from that school. I knew she was alone, considering another one of her best friends had left but... damn...