(I'll use this book for updates on my sister and dad)

>TW: ABUSE/SUICIDE<

It felt good to cry into my uncle's arms about my sister.

He's the closest I feel to in the 'family', he actually feels like family, if that makes any sense.

I told him about all of the shit she has done, and he actually showed sympathy, kindness, and understanding towards me.

It was strange, crying in someones arms. It felt less lonely though, that's for sure.

I think I'll miss him the most when I go to live with my dad for a bit.

That's happening now, around the 21st of this month. I have 9 days. 9 days before I can escape.

My sister will never change. She'll always be an awful person.

Even if she's acting kind in the moment, it's all just a ruse. Fake.

My sister and I got into another 'fight' again, where she was screaming at me about all this shit and I was just standing there, unsure of what I did wrong.

That's usually how it goes. My therapist says she likes to pick on others and start shit for no reason just to get a reaction. Bullying would be a suitable word.

But the bullying has gone too far. And for way too long.

Three. Long. Years.

All those:

"It's all your fault"

"You ruined my life/everything"

"Look at your body, your scars you're so sensitive"

"Boohoo to your s//a"

"You don't matter"

"You're so stupid"

"Nobody loves/wants you"

And my personal favorite,

"Kill yourself"

People tell me it's all sibling rivalry.

But it's not.

It's really, really not.

It hurts me. A lot. Makes me suicidal, even.

I'm not being sensitive. It's emotional/verbal abuse. (And that's not even the sexual abuse part)

Think of it this way. If an parent was saying that instead of a sibling, would it be emotional/verbal abuse? YES.

So what's the difference there?

It makes me wanna die.

It makes me wanna not live anymore.

It makes me wanna run away.

It just, hurts so much.

And she's gonna stay in this house for a least another year. Year? I'll be dead by then.

If something doesn't change, I'll be dead.

If I can maybe escape or she changes (which will never happen), I'll be okay.

But things will keep on getting worse and worse. And I'll snap someday, I know it. I've done it in the past.

It terrifies me. I don't wanna die.

I really don't. I wanna live, but I can't think straight sometimes, and it feels like I'm not in control when I get into that mindset.

I've gotten so much better since a year ago. Please, I don't wanna get worse again.

Hell, I don't even know if I can wait 9 days. I really want help now. But I don't even know where to start.

Cause I swear to fucking god if we get into another 'argument' I'm actually going to kill myself.

I don't know why I vent on here, it's not like you guys can physically do anything besides support. (Which is amazing and I appreciate it sm but it can only go so far)

But some advice? I need outsiders opinions and shit idk

I just want to never see her again.