I ' ve Been Hurt Multiple Times In Elementary School , So Why Not Try To Accept The Pain And Even Feel ... Pleasure From It ?

I Hate It , But I Also Love It . Everyday , I ' d Try To Convince Myself That I Fully Love Pain . I ' d Strangle Myself , Hit Myself , Cut Myself , Bite Myself , Or Do Anything That ' ll Hurt To Myself And Try To Convince Or Trick My Mind Into Liking It .

I ' d Cut Myself And Smile , Thinking “ It Feels Good ” , “ I Need To Cut Deeper ” , “ I Love This Feeling ” , Anything That Relates To Me Liking The Pain Over And Over .

Now , Everytime I Think About Someone Stabbing , Cutting , Strangling , Hitting , Etc To Me , I Like The Idea . I Get ... Pleasure , From The Ideas . And Even When I Hurt Myself , I ' ll Get A Tiny Feeling Of Pleasure .

I ' ll Also Feel Hope From Seeing Myself Feeling Extreme Melancholy Or Sad Or Something . Like I Find Joy In My Own Suffering . Everytime I Go Into A Mental Breakdown , I Suddenly Start Feeling Happy And Laugh From It .

Seeing Myself Suffer Physically And Mentally Makes Me Feel A Weird Sense Of Joy And Pleasure .

God , It Hurts ... But Oh ... It Also Feels Good .

...

I Hate It .

But I Also Love It .

I Feel Sick , Disgust , Dissapointment , And Pity Towards Myself And Feel Regret And Humiliated After Hurting Myself ... But I Also Feel Pleasure , Comfort , Joy , And Hope .

I Don ' t Know Anymore . I Just Want To Not Feel Pain Anymore ... Atleast That ' s What I Think I Don ' t Want To Feel Anymore . Idfk . If I Get Hurt Everyday , Then I ' ll Just Make The Pain Enjoyable .

Atleast I ' ll Enjoy My Own Suffering .