(TW: S/H? Idk,family issues,suicide attempt,vaping. (Those last two are at the end.))

[Im sorry guys.]

I tried to tell my mom,a few days back,while I was sort of talking to her about why I've been down.

"Mom...there's...another issue I need to talk to you about..."

"What is it?"

"...I..."

I tried to. Then I started crying. I freaked out. She just held me close,told me it's okay.

I ended up lying to her and just saying 'oh no it's just my period,there's no extra thing.'

...I was trying to tell her about I feel like a guy.

It didn't work.

It never works.

It scares me so bad how they'll react.

How ANYONE will react.

It scared me even just...telling my best friend.

Even though he supported me.

I feel like a screw up.

...

Recently,I found...a weird way,to ease the feeling of my s/h thoughts.

My watch.

If I leave it on for too long,a rash develops,and it burns a lot whenever I rub on it,or leave the watch on there.

This works for me.

I sometimes peel the dead skin off. I think it's dead skin anyways.

My mom found it though,so I just told her it's cause I wear it too tight.

Intentionally,but I don't tell her that.

She tells me not to do it again.

...maybe ill try for her sake. Since I can't be the actually decent kid she needs.

Or deserves.

I'm scared of making her hurt.

Or my dad.

Or my big brother.

Especially not my brother.

How could I live with myself if I made him,bubby,my brother,one of the most important people in my life, hurt?

How?

I would hate to hurt him.

I would hate to hurt anyone.

...

I sometimes overhear my parents or just family in general. Talking about things. Sometimes I don't like the things they're talking about,or...when they argue.

I've been stuck in the middle of arguments before.

I usually just end up hiding away and hoping they'll stop.

I hate hearing any of my family members argue or get upset with each other.

Eventually,when the arguement is over,I sometimes show up to give them make them feel better. Ease their hurt.

It's as much as I can offer for being such a coward and hiding away while they argue.

...

I remember one time,after my cousins fought,and I was hiding under the bed,one of them said to me after I gave them both hugs...

"I'm sorry you had to watch us fight."

...

It was a long time ago,but still.

...sometimes I worry I won't make it to be 18.

To be a marine biologist.

To be someone successful and good enough.

To be able to figure myself out.

To be better.

I want to be better.

I want to be able to differentiate myself from fictional characters.

I don't know why I keep self projecting onto fictional characters...

Or venting to my plushies and pretending their real people comforting me...

Or doing that to my dog,for that matter...

He didn't ask for it. So I don't do it anymore.

...

I feel like I failed him.

My best friend.

I tried to keep him away from vaping. His ex had vaped,so maybe that coaxed him into it? He's talked to me about it before.

But...

While we were on our face time,he was vaping. It wasn't for super long but...

God it hurt.

I hate not being able to be there in person for him.

I want to help him out of his state but...

I'm just not good at comforting people.

He has tried to attempt in the past and it makes me so,so scared he's going to try again.

He promised me he's going to quit vaping though.

...I hope he does.

I really do.

He's been my friend for years now,and I can't lose him. 

I'm so glad mom reminded me to talk with him since I haven't been able to.

...I feel awful for not calling him sooner.

I feel like a terrible friend,letting him slip into a place that bad.

He's more important to me than he'll ever know.

I have to keep trying to help him though.

I have to.

(WOOOWWW that was a long vent. There's just been...a lot on my mind recently.)

[Again,sorry guys.]