[TW: s/h,stuff related to suicidal thoughts,body issues]

I feel like I'm venting too often but...

I haven't been able to do this for MONTHS. It feels...better to get it off my chest.

A while back I learned skin picking is a s/h thing...

Lol,who does that?

...

Honestly,I don't even need to s/h.

I have the internet to shut my thoughts off and make me feel better.

It's my kill switch.

But...

I'm still addicted to picking and eating the skin/nails off my fingers and toes.

Gross,I know.

But I've been doing it for years now.

I can't stop,and I can't remember a point I didn't do it.

But I've also been thinking about taking blades to myself.

That's why I'm so uncomfortable around blades. 

I've had worse thoughts though when I'm around things/places that could be life threatening.

The thought of death scares me,but is so inviting and ideal at the same time.

But don't worry.

I'm too much of a coward to kms. So please don't get anxious.

...

I suppose another thing I guess I should put here.

I don't like my body. It's dumb,and looks like a stick,and is gross.

I want a boys body.

Maybe then I wouldn't have body dysphoria.

I want to be a boy so so so so badly.

But that's basically a pipe dream when everyone

And I mean EVERYONE else

Except my mom and dad would probably accept me.

And I hate this because my mom says she supports it.

Is she as much as a hypocrite as me?

No,she can't be.

She's too kind for something like that.

...I love her,I do.

But why does my heart hurt so much then?

Stupid feelings getting in the way again.

I'm not a guy.

...no matter how much I want to be one.

It's physically impossible for me,and I feel like no one would look at me the same again.

I had this conversation with myself today.

'Why are you upset?'

'Because I have to pretend to be a girl.'

'Aren't we genderflux though? Shouldn't that be okay?'

'...I don't think I want to be genderflux anymore...'

'You aren't sure though. And you know that.'

'...I don't know what I want anymore.'

'Let's just keep pretending so they don't get suspicious.'

'...works for me.'

...

I'm not in the mood to fix myself.

I hope no one's wasting time and energy comforting me when they probably need it more.

Even if I feel this way,I'd still talk and comfort others as best as I can.

But I'm not the greatest at comforting people.

I don't really know anymore.