So, I need advice. I want to confide in someone (not on the internet), but I'm way too awkward for that. Also, if I keep pushing people away, I'm just hurting myself, right? I mean, I'd love to talk to someone if I wasn't an awkward, self-conscious mess. Writing, reading, and music seem to be my only escape from it all. Sure, most people would say that you just need to be happier. Well, it isn't that easy. I can't fake a smile, it pains me too much. Today I seemed less in control of my emotions than usual and I broke down silently in a bathroom stall. A bathroom stall. Need I say more? I think I've finally broke. No matter how hard I try to pull myself together, it just won't work. I used to think of myself as a solid person, in control of my emotions. But now, I doubt that's the case. 

Now that I think about it, I realized I don't have many friends at all. Most people I know are just people who say 'hello' every once in a while and ask me to play cards with them. Others are acquaintances. I don't really know them very well at all. Most of my classmates don't even know when my birthday is when we've been going to the same school for ten years. That's disappointing to say the least. 

Now I've realized I've gotten way off track. Oh well, I don't care at this point. I mean, what is there to care about. If you're well known, you'll be remembered for a decade or so after you've died, then everyone forgets about you. What about if you aren't well known? Well, you're mourned for about a week, then forgotten, if anyone mourns you at all. It's just so hard to pretend you're fine, when you're not. What even is my life anymore?

I suppose the easiest option is to just push everyone away. Then, they won't have to deal with me. 

I'm tolerated, but not wanted.