I long to see your face.

Whenever I'm out, I'm eternally hoping to find you.

Yet you're never there.

Where are you?

My keyboard knows your name far too well

There's a poster of your face plastered on the side of my brain

Yet I know that it's all pointless in the end.

You'll be gone, just like the rest.

I'll get over you.

I know next year we'll lose touch.

Hell I never had your contact info to begin with.

I'll find someone new; get too close, regrettably crush on them, and the cycle will continue.

We both know I wasn't made for this.

Or perhaps you don't;. As it seems as any effort put to entertain you is wasted.

All my efforts to lose to a phone; it has your attention hooked more than I ever could for you.

I blush and shake when I can maintain your attention for longer than a few seconds; my heart accelerates at the thought of entertaining you.

You.

I'm not sure why the thought is so addicting.

That you're listening to me.

Your jokes aren't that funny but I laugh anyways.

Your voice is almost angelic to me.

Even as it fades from my memory I can feel the deep undertones of it seeping into my brain.

Your voice is beautiful.

All those times we sat at that table alone, singing stupid songs.

'do you wanna build a meth lab~

A rolling RV meth lab~

Just one timeeeee~'

I think too much of what you'll think of me.

I hold back questions I want to ask you.

I don't talk unless I think you'll like what I have to say.

I hold my breath around you.

My personality-or barren wasteland of one- is within my own death grip when you're around.

I'm scared if I show you who I really am, you'll reject me.

You won't like me.

You'll stop caring.

But truth is, Ethan, I love you.

Maybe it's a bit obsessive

A bit unhealthy

Or perhaps some stupid mutation of hormones all bunching together that I  mistake to be love.

But I remember when he was here.

I didn't like you much then.

You stole his attention away from me.

I wanted him for myself.

But as he drifted away

Farther and farther

And I griefed more over my actions

I noticed the person who sat Infront of me

For who he is.

I see you, Ethan.

I see your happiness.

Your confusion.

The sadness.

And the edgy stalker bit of you that you only show alone occasion.

I see it all, Ethan.

You think no one does but I do.

We're more alike then you think.

I see you begging for his attention only to be met with an unenthusiastic 'oh, hey.'

Your disappointed expression.

Your sloppy attempt to hide the evidence.

You want him.

Not in A romantic way, no, you're straight,

You want him to notice you.

To laugh at your jokes.

To greet you excitedly.

Like he does with all his other friends.

You want classes with him next year.

"I want classes with my real friends next year...like Noah and Melissa"

We both know you're shittin yourself when you say 'real friends', Ethan.

Those two haven't talked to you since the start of the school year.

You told me to make new friends this year. That some people might not want to hang out with me anymore.

What're you implying, Ethan?

Bored of me already, are ya?

Stuck on that damn phone of yours, hmm?

All those anime lore videos that hold you captive at our lunch table.

And Ethan, dear, sweet sweet Ethan,

You'll never get a girlfriend at this rate.

They joke about when you'll crack.

I think you've already shattered your shell.

And are picking away the peices

Till you'll be free.

I see how you're always talking about ending the world.

Taking everyone down with you.

Discreetly threatening people.

You wanna be edgy.

You want to show that side to the world.

Yet you don't.

Why not?

I know you're not thinking about me right now.

I know since the start of summer I've been absent from your thoughts.

But I want you to know there is not a week i go without thinking about you.

How you are, how your conservative ass family Is treating of you.

I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you, Ethan.

But I truly am thankful for your presence.

All that money you gave me knowing damn well I'd spend it on cookies.

Well, I'd always give you one, so it's not like you missed out.

But the fact you were gonna give me all of your birthday money-

Do I mean that much to you?

Was I the first you asked?

Are you contemplating something, Ethan?

Trying to give away what you can before your inevitable end?

I'm here for you, swear on my life.

I know you hold it in but you really can tell me.

I'll get Arcus and Hudson to leave.

Just you and me.

One on one.

In a noisy ass cafeteria.

You don't have to give up.

Don't you want to be an engineer? Build rollercoasters so you can get free rides just like you said?

To get married to a nice lady and have a nice life?

Or

Maybe.

Perhaps

You're battling yourself.

The anti LGBT demands of your parents

While you sit idly, closeted.

You've mentioned this before.

'I'm not gay but...' 'i saw some things on the Internet and I'm kinda questioning my straightness'...

It's subtle, but not impossible to see.

How interesting.

Here you are, trying to get your mind off school in the last bits of summer, while I make little game theory bits about your existence.

I'm horrible person lmao.

Hope we have classes next year, Ethan.

Till we meet again.