ACT NINE

SPEAKING WITH GOLD

I hate Tres Lagdameo. I hate how he carried himself in utter hypocrisy. Seeing him outside the school's premises bothered me a lot.

When I went home to visit my mother, the appearance of his figure distorted my beliefs. The least that I'll be expecting from him is his presence from being an art student at RCA. Now that I've seen him aside from being that, I am confused on how he looked normal—as if he was someone who I walked pass through. Someone irrelevant.

Yet he has his ways to attain everything that he wanted. The passion, the attention, the holiness... everything would suffice but he chose to disregard. I couldn't wrap my mind about people affiliated with passion—either the living or the developing—for they were all confusing. Their passion would be clouded with judgment with steps inching to their so-called beliefs.

Then they'll blame the righteous.

Their satirical visions towards the righteous system coerced into rallies leading to misunderstanding and unjustifiable judgments, but it is what they believed in so I choose to respect. For it is all but things lacking in the world. And to respect means to be respected. I chose the right path to avoid nuisance.

"Lavi..."

I stared at Ariadne Felix-Sevilja, the once prima ballerina, sitting at her humble and comfortable chair as the sunlight grazes her skin. Mama, even in her linen chemise that serves as her sleeping wear, isn't fazed with the simplicity of the dress. Her bony hands sitting at the wooden rest as her eyes wandered around the vast greeneries of our garden that was a place for memories that were seemed dear. With the death of my father, its life turned dull with no hopes to return to its former state.

Because it's impossible. Marami na ang nangyari. Hindi na maibabalik pa ang dati. Because of what happened back then, my mother and I found it hard to reach the state of happiness we had before. We were very affected by my father's death and my mother chose sadness.

Now, I'm off to fend with this... fight.

"Can you hear the birds?" tanong ni Mama habang nakatulala sa malaking bintana.

I worriedly looked at her. Tuwing umuuwi ako rito, hindi ko maiwasan ang mag-alala kay Mama. I know that the helpers are taking care of her but I knew how stubborn my mother has become.

Back then, where everything's into place, she was the one who implies the belief of righteousness which I adapted so dear. Now, she's the opposite of it. Kwento ng mga tauhan tuwing umuuwi ako, minsan ay hindi sumusunod si Mama sa kanila. Hindi kumakain at nananatili sa pagpapatugtog ng kan'yang music box. She couldn't even get as close as before to the Sevilja Ballet Room in hopes of her sanity.

Umuuwi ako para bisitahin si Mama kapag walang requirements na naiiwan. Now that I have finished the last bits of it, I have no worries about going home. The school couldn't give any tasks because of the pending regulation of the rallyist, a reason why there was almost nothing to do. Ayaw ko namang manatili sa RCA dahil nahihirapan akong huminga tuwing nakikita si Tres. It's that much—my hatred for him.

"Hindi raw po kayo kumakain minsan..."

Umupo ako sa malambot na couch kaharap ni Mama. Her eyes shifted to me for a while before returning to her previous subjects—the garden and the birds. I sighed as I felt how tired I am.

"Minsan..." she murmured. "Busog naman ako."

I smiled and stroked my mother's hair. The appearance of white hairs at the roots reminded me how years had passed and how we survived through it all. Tinitingnan ko pa lang si Mama, hindi ko maiwasang maiyak dahil nakikita ko ang itsura niya noon.

The once prima ballerina turned into this; I couldn't help being sad. The event took a toll on us—on our lives.

Noon, gugustuhin kong mag-ballet sa harap ni Mama para lang mapasaya siya. Those were the good times—the pinnacle of everything. My mother and I were pursuing the art we were born to practice with, my father—though being busy with his business—makes time for us, and how everything was enough for me. That I couldn't ask for more, making me wish that we could stay like this forever.

I didn't want to grow up. Gusto kong manatili sa kasiyahang 'yon—sa imaheng 'yon. Everything was all right back then. I'd only bother myself with ballet school and academics—on how I could perfect my routines and ace the exams.

It was easy being a child, but with the death of my father, I was confused, again. Would I want the time to stop there? Would I want the time to go back? Would I want to move on?

I could only guess—fill my mind with 'what ifs'—as I chose to rebirth myself into the art that I wasn't born into... or was I? Being a fashion designer wasn't so bad, but there were a lot of elements that I'm missing. The tulle, the Pointe, the instructions, the classical pieces... but I could only yearn for those.

Kung babalik ako, masasaktan si Mama, at iyon ang pinakahuling bagay na gusto kong mangyari. I am all right on being hurt for my Mom—to sacrifice for her. She sacrificed a lot for me then; I'll live my life sacrificing for her. Siya na lang ang natitira sa 'kin kaya bakit pa ako magpapakasarili?

Their welfare over mine even if it hurts so much.

"How are you feeling, 'Ma? Saan po kayo palaging nagpupunta rito sa mansyon?"

I carefully braided my mother's hair. Nakita ko ang bahagyang pagbanat ng kan'yang labi para sa isang ngiti. Bahagya rin akong napangiti. At least, I knew that my mother is appreciating this small thing.

"Na-miss kita, anak."

With a demand to be felt, the ache of longing pierced through my heart. It heated up my eyes and even if I didn't want to cry in front of her, it fought my desire. My lips tear into a smile before my eyes gave up the tears.

Niyapos ko si Mama at tahimik na umiyak sa kan'yang balikat. Her bony hands stroked my long hair as she hummed me a tune that I grew familiar with.

Edith Piaf's La Vie En Rose, a piece that I am named after. Life in pink. Life is beautiful...

Is life beautiful? I wanted to ask yet I don't have the courage to. It would hurt my mother a lot, I know. Her welfare over mine. Her welfare over mine.

After I have tucked my mother to sleep that night, I went to my room. Ayaw pa ni Mama na magpaiwan pero dahil nakatulog na ay madali na ang aking pag-alis. For all the words that I have heard, without a concrete fact—a person who is smiling while sleeping is contented. After I have seen my mother's face after a few weeks of being away, I am sure that she is very far from that word.

Naaalala ko pa rati na kapag magkatabi kami ni Mama matulog, malawak ang ngiti niyang tuwing naaalimpungatan ako. Na kahit pagod siya sa ballet practice dahil may rehearsals na gaganapin kinabukasan, pansin ko pa rin na natutuwa si Mama sa ginagawa niya. Ngayon na ilang taon na ang nakalipas, hindi ko na masabing natutuwa siya.

Her pained reflex is hurting me and I know that it's my fault why all it ended up like this. If only I didn't dance the Swan Lake, these could have been prevented. I could have been living my life happily with my passion and with my family. Since the death of my father, a lot of things took a toll on us and I deeply regret that.

Humahapdi ang puso ko tuwing nakikita ang mga nakasabit na litrato sa pader. My sight immediately darted to the big frame at the top of my headboard—a smiling Lavien Rosette who got her first title: Little Prima Ballerina. Odette—she was my favorite back then. Out of all the pieces that I have ever performed, Swan Lake has a special place in my heart. Hearing the coda and the symphony in the wind keeps on bringing back the haze that I grew accustomed to.

But when black contrasted the dark, Odile decided to bestow me her sadness, her arrogance, and her sharpness. Her skill from the act turned me into something like this—greedy, lifeless, impassionate.

Passive.

My tears immediately escaped from my eyes as I silently closed my door, softly hearing the click of the lock. Nanginginig ay dahan-dahan kong iginalaw ang nanlalambot na paa para abutin ng tingin ang malaking picture frame.

Little Lavien Rosette's smile was so precious back then. If you told her to smile, she'll immediately do so without any hindrances. She was so innocent and pure. She was happy as she achieves her dreams. She was full of passion. She wasn't greedy. If you could ask her to do this, once it is part of her passion, she'll do it without second thoughts.

Little Lavien Rosette was hated back then because she is the daughter of the Prima Ballerina Ariadne Felix. Amidst all the hates she received, she continued on following the path of her dreams. At the zenith of her performance, she received an award—an award she didn't know was the last.

Little Prima Ballerina.

Her last award at her last performance.

Then everything crumbled.

Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi bago takpan ang bibig para itago ang iyak. All of the blisters and sores I got from ballet would only lead to this? It felt like I've wasted my time and effort and perfecting those routines and then I'll end up with this. Kung gano'n sana, inaral ko na lang ang mga tela noon at hindi ang mga hulma ng katawan. Nagsisisi ako na inaral ko pa ang pag-baballet. Alam kong kapag ayos pa ang lahat—kapag ayos pa si Mama—masasaktan siya sa sinasabi ko.

'Why, Vien? You think that ballet is not for you?', I could hear her say. 'Do you want to stop, then? Tell it to Mama then we'll cancel all your ballet practices. I'll pull you out of the school-'.

No, Mama. Nahihirapan lang po ako.

'Without suffering, there would be no success, Vien.'

My heart kept on constricting in pain as I recalled all the memories that passed. I hope after this pain, I'd be happy at the end. I can't bear a failure after my suffering. It would be too much for me.

❦

I went out for an early walk. Tulog pa si Mama at medyo patanghali pa ang gising niya kaya nagsayang ako ng oras sa labas.

The ambiance of RCA is a feast to me, especially for my eyes. With the architecture that surrounds the College, it is no doubt one of my go-to places. Pero nagsasawa rin ako kaya pansamantala akong nasiyahan sa paligid ng subdivision. We're still living at the same house at the same subdivision for years now and I have witnessed all the changes that occurred in this neighborhood. Without a doubt, I still like this place and I'm still happy that they kept the Renaissance and Victorian concept. Gumanda lalo ang paligid dahil sa modernisasyon.

The bakery that we always visit to buy baguettes and other pastries still have that same, old familiar smell emitting from a distance. The exterior architecture is improved to showcase and capture the feeling of buying pastries from a bakery in Paris. With wide windows and glass doors, I could easily see the number of persons lining inside the establishment.

Patisserie de Conde

Napangiti ako nang tumunog ang bell pagkapasok ko. Inatake ang aking ilong ng napakabangong amoy ng tinapay at kape. My eyes feasted upon golden brown pastries of different shapes and sizes to the colorful spreads and toppings the other had. Naagaw rin ng atensyon ko ang macarons na naka-display at napagpasiyahang bumili ng isang box mamaya.

I could feel the stares darted to me, some of those coming from the envious mothers whose daughters are around my age and are also enrolled at the same ballet school back then. Maybe they're thinking that I am such a feel-good woman of some sort. Hindi ko na lang pinapansin ang iniisip nila tungkol sa 'kin. Napagod na 'ko.

What's important is my mother's welfare and how I could continuously enjoy the Fashion Designer course.

Pag-alis ko mula sa bakery ay ramdam ko pa rin ang tingin ng iba sa kanila. Some of them arrived late in a time that I have finished ordering, the reason why another glare is added upon me. I politely smiled at them before leaving.

Bitbit ang amoy ng bakery ay naglakad ako at hinayaan ang sarili na kumalma dahil sa paligid. Hindi gaanong mainit ngayon kaya tuwang-tuwa ako habang naglalakad. I could easily feel the calmness flowing inside my body.

After I have satisfied myself with the morning walk, I immediately went home and left during lunch. Ayaw pa ako paalisin ni Mommy pero sabi ko ay kailangan. Baka magtaka ang school kung bakit hindi ako makabalik agad. Though there are things called excuse letters, I couldn't bear tormenting myself inside my room. As much as I have done all things to detach myself from ballet, I couldn't have the heart to remove the big frame atop my headboard.

"Babalik ka kaagad, ha?" she softly asked.

Nakangiti akong tumango kay Mama at hinalikan ang noo. She's still wearing her linen dress as she sauntered herself in the soft, warm light from the garden. Tinatanaw pa rin niya ang mga paruparo at ilang bulaklak sa garden.

"Kapag po wala na akong ginagawa, babalik ako," I answered as I caressed her bony hands. "Ma, eat a lot, all right? Ang payat niyo na po."

"I'll try..."

Binilinan ko ang ilang kasambahay tungkol kay Mama. Nagpasalamat na rin ako kahit na sinasabi nilang trabaho nila 'yon. It is their job, yes, but it doesn't mean that I shouldn't thank them. I still have bits of gratitude left inside me.

Hindi ako nagpahatid sa driver pabalik ng RCA, hanggang sa labas ng gate lang. Sa oras na nakaapak na ako roon, pinag-iisipan ko pa rin ang gagawin. There's a part of me that keeps on wanting to visit the ballet studio that I used to perform when I was a child. I was thinking that it could possibly end my grief. After I have seen it, I know I'll detach freely.

Kabado at nagdadalawang-isip, tumuloy pa rin ako sa pagpunta roon. I tried my best to familiarize myself with the path that we took years ago. Once I saw the familiar buildings and the landmarks, my feet started to move on its own.

I drew a shaky breath as my eyes scanned the façade of the old ballet studio. It didn't look rundown but its appearance is enough to give a hint that it is not as glorious as before. Back then, its simple architecture of a rectangular block with regular shapes are enough to capture the attention of the public. Maraming dumadagsa rito noon dahil dito nagtuturo ang ilan sa mga kilalang ballet instructors.

Did they... lost it?

Sumikip ang dibdib ko sa naisip.

I could only stare and marvel at its appearance. The integrity is still there but the life is gone. I want to go inside and see the state of the studio. A lot of years passed by and it made me wonder, is the life that we nursed back then is still strong? That the exterior is just a cover and everything's in the heart?

There's a part of me that dares me to go inside—to fight my inner self and be done for this.

But I don't think that it is meant to be explored today.

"Ballet?" preskong sabi ni Tres nang makita akong nakatayo sa harapan.

I froze before I cautiously drew my attention towards him. He's wearing a simple all-black outfit—loose, black shirt and a pair of black jeans—yet he still carried a sense of power. His dark golden-brown hair highlighted his glamour. Pati na rin ang maiitim na kilay ay dumadagdag sa dating niya.

He's standing there wearing an outfit so simple yet he is managing to portray that he is a deity! Kita ko rin ang ilang ugat na sa kan'yang braso na siyang nakadagdag pa sa kabuoan niyang dala. Using his black Chuck Taylor sneakers, he took a step forward before shoving his lengthy fingers inside his pocket. He has this passive look on his face as he awaited my answer.

I got the need to drown my throat with water—an excuse I created just so I wouldn't have the chance to answer his question. I should have worn a wireless earphone instead! Sa gano'n, madali akong makatatakas sa tanong niya habang umaaktong walang narinig.

"You used to ballet, right?" he added, his low voice serenading my ears. "Why did you stop?"

Humugot ako ng malalim ng hininga at ngumiti. Tumitig lang ako at tahimik na nagdasal na sana huwag na niyang idiin pa ang tanong.

He snorted before scrunching his nose. "It is impolite to be mum when asked by a question."

"I don't know the answer," kabado kong sagot. "I think I have the right to be silent when needed."

Nagulat ako nang itinaas niya ang isang kilay. "Needed? Or want?"

Hindi ako makasagot sa tanong niya. Why is he attacking me with these questions? He has no right to. I am not considering him as someone to be trusted. Sure, I felt that he could be someone who could listen to my words but he needs to prove it more. I could tell him—I could really do, but what's stopping me is his passion.

Sa ngayon, hindi ako sigurado sa dahilan kung bakit ayaw ko kay Tres ngunit lumalapit pa rin ako. I could leave this conversation. I could turn in the opposite direction and be impolite and be disgraceful as much as I want to. I could convince myself that the reason why I'm still standing here is out of respect... yet I am not convinced.

I know too well how deep is this going to be yet I'm too scared to dare. Hindi ko na lang papansinin para hindi na lumala pa.

"Lawyer ka ba? I thought you're a painter."

He smirked before brushing his hair. It's unusual for me to see him without ink and paint on his skin. Baka umuwi rin si Tres. But I couldn't see any of his belongings.

"Why are you here?" I asked, curious about the sight of his fresh form.

"I think I have the right to be silent when needed," sagot niya, binabalik ang sinabi ko kanina.

Tinantiya ko ang diin ng titig niya sa 'kin. His stares made me feel like he wants to be worshipped. He acts like he's high and mighty and that he's really a deity. He wants me to tell the truth, or else, I'll experience punishments. He wants to have his dominion over me but I'm not going to allow that.

This passion-induced man ruling over me? No way. I won't allow that to happen. I am strictly following a routine of self-preservation and avoidance of the word passion because of what happened. Why would I allow him to destroy my discipline? He is not in any position to do that.

"You dropped your ring," he muttered after a few moments of silence.

"What ring?" I asked even though my heart is beating so hard.

Alam ko ang sagot sa tanong ko ngunit napaka-imposible. He mustn't be the one who have gotten that ring, right? It is close to impossible.

Napasinghap ako nang kinuha niya mula sa bulsa ang singsing na ilang linggo nang nawawala sa 'kin. Kung kailan nga naman hindi hinahanap ay tsaka lilitaw.

"Where did you... got that?"

"You dropped it on your way here. Kaya kita sinundan."

I stared at his face to search for any lies but I couldn't read him! His face remained so passive that I have no choice but to sigh.

"That ring's been missing for weeks. Imposibleng nahulog ko kanina."

Tumaas muli ang isa niyang kilay. "What's the truth is the truth, right? Lawyer ako."

I shook my head. "I don't get your point."

He sighed before extending his arms to give me the ring. It laid softly on his wide palms. The nod of his head gestured me to pick the ring from him. Kabado kong inabot 'yon bago mabilis na ikinulong sa aking palad. Muntik na akong maiyak pero pinigilan ko lang. I can't bear being seen crying by him!

"T-thanks."

I stood awkwardly in front of him because I don't know what I'll do next. Ngayon lang ako kinabahan nang ganito.

"Babalik ka na ba sa RCA?"

"Yes," I hastily answered.

He curtly nodded before turning around. Nauna siyang maglakad ngunit nanatili ako sa pwesto.

I was about to turn around and ready myself to choose a different path but he took the chance. With an inquiry flashing in his face, he rose his brow. He fully directed his body towards me with his hands inside his pockets. The wind blew notes on his courteously-styled hair. A few strands strayed yet it managed to capture the prime of his form.

"I thought you're going with me."

I blinked, taken aback from what I've heard. Ako? Sasabay sa kan'ya? I'm not friends with him because he's just a mere acquaintance. I have no intention of connecting myself with him... though I guess he has plans to. What we had is not enough for me to treat this as an invitation to be a part of his clique.

"I'm also headed to the College. Nasabi ko, 'di ba?"

"Wala kang sinabi..."

He sighed before nodding. Tahimik siyang umalis at iniwan ako ro'n.

I went to the school and immediately headed to The Cushion. Nakita ko agad si Tres na nakatambay sa Painting Section habang tanaw-tanaw ang mga paints na naka-display. Ang isang kamay ay nasa bulsa habang ang isa ay hinahawakan ang kung anong makita niya.

I disregarded his presence and immediately headed to the group of fabric rolls. Sinalat ko ang mga tela at pinakiramdaman ang materyal na naka-display roon. When my fingers touched the ever-so-familiar texture of the tulle, I knew a part of my heart swelled.

I couldn't bring myself to cry. Not in a public area. Not in a place where anyone could see me—where he could see me.

Marahas kong pinalis ang tumakas na luha at inilabas ang journal kung saan may sketch ng plano kong ballerina costume. Because I didn't want to invest a lot of time and effort in creating a ballerina costume that I won't be able to wear, I created my own version of Swan Lake. Minodify ko lang ang ilang disenyo para may bago akong mailagay.

Even though I hate it, the Swan Lake already took place in my heart the first time I heard the notes filling the air. The symphony filling the wind and the harmony it's giving to my body is the drug that I'm taking back then. Hindi ko na lang kukwestyunin ang sarili ko pagdating dito.

This is my last shot, I promise that.

"So, how's the outfit? Can I see it or be with you while you're making it?"

Napasinghap ako nang sumulpot ang boses ni Tres. I anxiously looked around to see if there were any curious eyes; I found none.

"Gumagawa ako ng painting tungkol sa ballerina," he answered when he saw how I stared at him as if he was a criminal. "I need to feel the form—I need to feel the texture. I'm studying the details, Lavien, before I could proceed to a ballerina's figure. The details are important no matter how small. It gives life."

"Buy a fabric?" mahinahon kong tanong. I hope I didn't offend him with my tone because I tried my best for it to sound polite.

"I can't feel it," balewala niyang sabi habang hawak ang tulle. "How many yards? I'll pay."

"I'm not sure. Hindi pa ako sanay magtantiya."

"Leave an excess. Para hindi ka na pabalik-balik," he said before looking at me.

Napaatras ako. "Ayaw kong sayangin ang yarda. May mangangailangan no'n."

He shrugged. "Make your ballerina costume... try?"

Napalunok ako at napatitig sa kan'ya. Is this man trying to offend me of some sort? What is his point? Is he trying to befriend me? I don't want to be a part of his clique. Ayos na ako kay Annika. The lesser friends, the lesser drama.

"I'm sorry. Hindi lang talaga maalis sa isip ko kung bakit hindi ka na nagba-ballet."

"Personal reasons."

He twitched his lips before nodding. Dahan-dahan siyang bumalik sa Painting Section at doon nagtagal. Hinintay ko kung babalik pa siya pero natuwa ako na hindi.

Nang makapunta na ako sa counter at handa nang bayaran ang yarda ng tela ay biglang sumulpot si Tres. Inunahan niya ako sa pagbabayad dahil may inilagay rin siyang art materials. He glanced at me before raising his brow.

"I told you that I'm going to pay."

Nanatili ang titig ko sa kan'ya. I don't know how to react! Ano ba ang pinaplano ni Tres? Gusto ba niyang magkaroon ako ng utang na loob para hindi ako makaangal kapag sumama siya sa 'kin mamaya? His presence is unwanted! I only associate myself with the passion-induced students for my grades and additional learning.

Ayaw kong makasama siya dahil alam kong maiinggit lang ako. Mapatititig lang din ako dahil pagmamasdan ko lang kung gaano siya kaseryoso sa ginagawa. When he's focusing, he is oozing with passion and I hate that because it overwhelms me—it drowns me.

"Uy, Tres! Bumili ka ulit ng bagong paint? Kabibili mo lang-"

"I have a new project, Zoren."

Zoren arrives with his simple outfit of white shirt and pants. Naka-tsinelas lang at gulo-gulo pa ang buhok. May mantsa rin ng pintura sa kan'yang balat at may nakasuksok pang paintbrush sa tenga.

"You look like Salvador Dali's mustache—tensed. Nasobrahan ka ba sa kape?" komento ni Tres.

His friend immediately darted to the Painting Section before dropping tubes of acrylic paint. "Ate, padagdag na rin po sa kan'ya."

Ini-scan din ng cashier ang nilagay na items ni Zoren. Napa-ismid si Tres.

"Hindi kita ililibre. Babayaran mo 'yan."

Zoren scratched his head. "'Paka-kuripot naman."

"Hindi ako kuripot. Sa 'yo lang."

"Nye-nye!" Zoren mocked before dashing off to leave the store.

"Bakit ka ba nagmamadali? Wala ka namang ka-date."

Napatigil si Zoren sa may pinto bago dramatikong suminghap. "Ikaw ba 'yan, Tres?! Kulang ka yata sa tulog."

Kahit nag-aalanganin ay sumunod ako sa yapak ni Tres. He was the one who carried the stuff we bought. Inaabot ko na ang fabric roll mula sa kan'ya pero nilalayo niya.

"I need to feel it, Lavien. Saan ka magtatrabaho? I'll join you."

I eyed him curiously. What does he really want to do? I want to tell him that I don't want to be with him—to be near him—because I'll only be reminded of the passion that I abandoned. Whenever I hear or see the word 'passion', his name would always come after it as if it is his middle name.

"Sa 'yo na 'yang tulle-"

"I don't need the fabric. Alin ba ro'n ang hindi mo maintindihan? I just want to create an artwork that's splendid. I want it to breathe. It would be an inspiration to many! Iyon lang. Ipagkakait mo ba 'yon?"

And now, he sounded offended! Is he playing his guilty card on me? He's making me believe that if I won't give him this opportunity, then he'll carry his name to shame?

Triptolemus Adrastos Lagdameo, the shameful painter of Royal Colleges for the Arts?

Alam kong kahit hindi siya sumama sa 'kin, kaya pa rin niyang buhayin ang mga pinipinta niya. He has these artsy hands who could make innate things alive! And I don't have those! Gusto ba niya akong inggitin?

He firmly closed his eyes. When he opened those, I could see the evidence of frustration bathing in it. His love for art is so deep that he'd die not mastering the details, huh?

Isang rason na naman.

Isang rason ang dumagdag para kaiinggitan ko siya.

Does he think that he's the only one who's frustrated with this? No! Pati ako!

"I'm busy-"

"I won't bother you. Gusto ko lang talaga-"

"We're not that even close for you to work with me," I argued, trying my best to sound polite.

It was a coward statement to encase my hatred towards him. Can he not get it? Lumalayo ako sa kan'ya dahil alam kong kaya niya akong pabalikin sa pagba-ballet. That's how strong his character is!

"I won't bother you. I swear."

Umiling ako.

"Don't be too hard on yourself, damn it! Gusto mo ba talagang maging mahusay sa larangang pinili mo? Hindi magiging mahusay ang isang tao kung patuloy mong patitigasin ang paniniwala mo. That's not how art works, Lavien! You're making yourself believe that it's the art that you're working on but it's not! It's a piece of frustration!"

This man...

I hate passion-induced people.

"You have no right," kalmado kong sabi. "You don't know me."

"And you don't know your art. Paano ka huhusay d'yan kung magmamagaling ka? Loosen up, please! I could see it in your eyes how you love ballet yet you chose another track. Make the sacrifice worth it, hindi 'yung sisirain mo ang sarili mo sa bagay na sa tingin mo ay ikasisiya mo. You'll lose it, I'm telling you. You'll lose the things that you've been working on."

I could see it in his eyes how he's trying to tell me that art is not just the mere swatches, colors, and materials. He's telling me that art is not about the appearance or the style because it is all about the emotions that are invested.

"Find another fashion designer, then," pagtatapos ko sa usapan.

I don't want to argue with him anymore because he'll get more and more frustrated. Sa oras na kasama ko siya sa additional class ko, alam kong tahimik siyang gumawa. I know that I'll be comfortable working with him because he respects silence and solitude but I'm saving myself from this.

I could also feel the pain and frustration in his eyes. I could clearly remember that. Tuwing hindi ko maayos ang porma sa pagba-ballet at tuwing may nakalilimutang routine, nakasasakit 'yon ng damdamin. Nakafu-frustrate. Nakababaliw. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Parang masisiraan ako ng bait.

"You really want to lose your sanity?"

Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata. "I'm not near that! Alam ko kung ano ang ginagawa ko."

He snorted. "Oh, really? You do, for now. But after a lengthy deprivation? You'll lose yourself. Just leave before it's too late."

Hindi talaga siya magpapatalo? Pinag-aawayan lang namin ay ang pagsama niya sa 'kin para makita ang detalye ng tulle pero umabot na sa ganito! I just couldn't believe it. He could go this far just to satisfy his passion!

Ayaw ko nang umimik pa. Ayaw ko nang kontrahin ang sinasabi niya dahil nirerespesto ko 'yon. As much as I hate it, he has earned my respect because of how passionate he is with his works. He's the only person, so far, that I could look up to admire a figure that I once held—a passionate girl who wished to become a ballerina like her mom.

Mariin kong ipinikit ang mata bago nahihirapang dumilat. Nagpakawala ako ng malalim ng hininga bago pagsisihan ang sunod na itatanong.

"I don't want to argue anymore. Ayaw kong may naaapakang paniniwala. What should I do for this argument to stop?"

Ayaw ko nang makipagtalo pero ayaw ko ring makaapak ng tao. Ayaw kong maging dahilan para makasira ng paniniwala nila. That's the last thing that I have in mind. If possible, I'll try my best not to include it in my list.

"Let me work with you. You sew; I paint."

Respect, I told myself. 

With the bargain that he held in front of me, what would I receive from violating my regulations?