ACT FORTY-NINE

OF MEMOIRS AND LETTERS

Tres and I spent the rest of our day attending the Art Fair. There was no practice that day, the reason why I had the chance to spend it with him. Though there was no concrete statement regarding his plan about his league, the sparkle in his eyes told me that what he has is enough. The thought of that is enough to allow me to focus on the upcoming competition.

Hindi ko nabanggit kay Tres ang tungkol sa laban. I felt that my skills are not enough to be showcased before a man as great as him. Besides, I'm anxious about my dance. Even though I'm partnered with a reliable dancer, what will happen once I made a mistake? The least thing that I want is for Tres to see it. I want him to see me once I'm satisfied with my form.

Igor and I arrived at the studio and rehearsed for a little while before we headed to the contest proper. Kasama si Coach Jethro doon pati na rin ang isang hairstylist. Pagkarating ay kinuha ko ang damit mula sa likod at dumiretso sa kwarto.

The rooms are enough to accommodate a lot of contestants, the reason why we got our own. It was a small one but it's enough for our small team. Nagpalit kaagad ako ng costume at pumwesto sa harap ng salamin. Habang inaayusan ang buhok ay pinatugtog ko ang piyesang sasayawin.

The Flames of Paris' classical piece is created by Boris Asafyev. He created the music based on the songs of the French Revolution. The aim of the dance is to showcase the "revolutionary" ballet with a subject of the French Revolution, the reason why the dancer is wearing a dress in the colors of France's flag.

"Isang talon nga, Igor," utos ni Coach Jethro.

Igor, wearing a white shirt with a red, white, and blue band around his waist; paired with a pair of white tights that hugged his muscular legs, jumped and spin in the air which showcased the control he has on his mid-air form.

"Okay, good! Spin and land ka."

Nodding, he arched his body and prepared to jump. He spiraled in the air and neatly landed on the ground; both of his arms are raised in a marvelous manner with his other leg kneeling while the other one bent. He retracted his form and stood up, his right arm above his head, his left arm raised horizontally, his left foot in front along with his arched foot.

With the way how he held his form, there was no doubt that the dance is made for him.

Nang makuntento si Coach Jethro ay tumango siya. Nagpunta si Igor sa lamesa at pinunasan ang pawis.

"Tamang-tama talaga ang pagpili ko sa 'yo r'yan, Igor. Meant-to-be kayo ng sayaw!" komento ni Coach Jethro.

Igor let out a small smirk before he glanced at me. Nag-alis din siya ng tingin pagkatapos.

After my hair and makeup are done, I moved to the side and put on my leg warmers. Iniabot sa 'kin ni Igor ang jacket. Malugod akong nagpasalamat bago suotin at isara ang zipper.

We are the sixth contestant, the reason why we have time to spare. We spent it by sharpening our forms. Pumwesto ako sa gilid katabi si Igor. We took note of the form we have at the entrance.

"Ayan! Very good! Chin up. Dapat pagpasok niyo pa lang, halatang may pasabog na."

I nodded and held my posture. We tried to dance a minute of the performance before we stopped. I checked my hair in the mirror and saw that it's still in its proper state.

As I waited for our turn, I watched how Igor tried some of his jumps. He tried a part of his variation, too. I could only be in awe of the control he has on his form, the reason why I am satisfied by watching.

"Your mid-air form is great, Igor. Ang ganda ng control mo," I commented when we walked out of the room. Kasunod si Coach Jethro sa likod.

"Thanks," he said and glanced at me.

We continued to walk silently until we reached backstage.

"Iwan ko na kayo rito, ha? Do'n lang ako sa may audience. Tahimik akong papalakpak," saad ni Coach Jethro bago mag-thumbs up.

I smiled at him and nodded. Umismid lang si Igor at hinatak ako patungo sa ballet barre. Suot-suot ang jacket at leg warmer ay nag-warm-up muli ako habang hinihintay na matapos ang susunod na sasayaw.

He silently went beside me and stretched. Nakabaling ang ulo sa kabila, rason kung bakit hindi ko gaanong makita ang mukha.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga. Hawak ng magkabilang kamay ang barre ay iniyuko ko ang ulo, ang isang paa ay itinataas sa ere. Nang makuntento ay ginawa ko sa kabila bago tumayo sa platform ng pointes.

I alternatingly raised my feet as I tested the resistance I have on my feet. The feeling of the pressure on my toes made me smile.

It's real... I'm dancing to ballet... kahit na matagal na akong sumasayaw ay hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. I kept on thinking about the years that I yearned for my league, and now that I have it, I could only feel the excitement. I can't completely grasp the thought of my routines adhered to ballet, however, it's the best feeling I'd ever felt.

"Okay ka na?" Ang boses ni Igor ang nagpabalik sa 'kin.

Retracting from my former position, I smiled at him and laid my feet flat on the ground. Una kong inalis ang jacket na nakabalot sa katawan bago ang leg warmer. Inalis din ni Igor ang jacket niya at iniabot sa isang staff.

"Can you throw me a little fouetté?" seryoso niyang sabi, binabaklas ang kamay mula sa barre.

Without hesitation, I nodded and finished three whipped turns. I finished in a precise form—both of my feet pointed with my chin up and my arms over my head. Napansin ko ang kaonting ngiti sa labi ni Igor pagkatapos.

"Why did you want to see it, Igor?" nagtataka kong tanong, kinakalma ang bahagyang bumilis na tibok ng puso.

Pumamewang siya habang pinanonood ako. "I think it'd be the last to be partnered up with you." Nag-iwas siya ng tingin at tumalikod. Marahan niya akong hinatak sa gilid nang matapos ang sumayaw.

I took a deep breath and prepped my mind about ballet's essence. I tried my best to be focused before I'll be able to dance, the reason why my heart beat wildly. Gumalaw-galaw ako mula sa pwesto habang tinatawag ang pangalan, tinatanggal ang kaba.

When Igor put his form in adherence to the introduction that the piece is asking for, I used it as a cue to do mine. I pointed my chin up and smiled, the nervousness settled deep down in my heart.

When the first notes filled the air, Igor and I moved in adherence to the routine. We started our form with both feet pointed, my left arm latched to his right, along with our free arms raised in the air. With a wide smile and chin pointed up, we started our dance with a precise, controlled jump. We followed the first dance of our routines before he stilled at the side and left me to dance.

With my proper form along with my arched feet and strict arm, I moved towards the side as I prepared for a grand jeté. My legs are in a wide split, my arms at a right angle, accompanied by a smile as I faced in front. When I landed at the side, I pointed my feet and arched my arm before I ran in the middle and met with Igor, our hands at our waist.

As I took precise turns with my dress following my movements, he followed my path until I stopped. I bent my right leg at an angle while I let the front of my feet meet the floor. My hand held his arm, my right arm in a precise arch, as I point my feet to accustom my moves in the notes of the piece. I did a little bit of pointe work as we slowly raised our hands in the air, gazing at each other.

After we finished our moves, we separated and jumped which followed the entrance of the string instrument in the piece. We did another leap before we met in the middle. My right foot at the ground, the front of my left foot on the floor, my left arm on my waist, while my right arm is precisely stretched above my head.

Our pas de deux ended for a short while before we moved onto our variation. Nauna si Igor sa solo dance habang nanatili ako sa gilid, inaalala ang sunod na gagawin. Hinahabol ko ang hininga habang wala pa sa stage, bahagya ring pinanonood kung paano siya sumayaw.

Hinahabol ang hininga, hindi ko mapigilan ang mapangiti pagkapasok niya.

Igor started his variation with a strong, controlled jump which greatly emphasized how much control he has on his mid-air form. When he neatly landed after another jump, the grin on his face showed how proud he is with what he did. Even the spin that he practiced earlier looked as precise as ever, the reason why some of the audience couldn't help clapping.

I couldn't help adoring the proper form he has on his body. The way how he moved and arched his body showed how he is in control. Hindi ko maiwasang lalo pang humanga nang makita ang mahusay na ikot at porma ni Igor habang sumasayaw.

Our pas de deux ended after six more minutes, a total of around seven minutes—the longest competition dance I've danced so far. Ang pinakamadalas kong oras ng sayaw ay hanggang limang minuto lamang.

But I'm happy with how much my stamina has achieved. I know that it will be useful once I assume a rank that's higher than what I have.

We ended our dance with solo fouettés before we bowed to finish our act. We left the stage with a satisfied smile. Pagkarating sa backstage ay kinuha namin ang jacket at leg warmer bago tahimik na nagtungo sa dressing room.

Coach Jethro greeted us with a wide smile. Pagkarating sa loob ay nando'n si Mr. Hugo, malawak din ang ngiti.

"That is such a splendid performance, Igor and Lavien!" he said before he hugged the both of us. Nang kumalas ay nakangiti pa rin. "I'm very proud of your performance. You exceeded my expectations."

"Sir, magaling din ang mga taga-Gracewell Compania pati na rin ang La Diana Ballet. Dapat ba tayong mag-alala?" tanong ni Coach Jethro.

Humalakhak si Mr. Hugo. "I assure you, Jethro, we shouldn't worry about the two of them. Ang pinaka-igting na kalaban ay ang La Diana. There is a minus in their technicality, sinabi sa 'kin 'yon. Masyado yatang kinabahan ang male dancer nila kaya pangit ang landing."

He glanced at the both of us. "But let's wait for the results, shall we? Kung ano pa 'yan, naipagmayabang ko na ang titulo ni Lavien."

Nahihiya ako nang bahagyang matawa. Tahimik akong nagpunta sa upuan, suot-suot pa rin ang leg warmer.

The wait for the results is a devastating two hours. There were a lot of contestants, some even exceeded the eight-minute mark. Sa buong dalawang oras na 'yon ay wala akong ginawa kun'di mag-warm-up, kinakabahan.

Igor's chuckle filled my ears, an hour after. Nakahalukipkip siya sa tabi ko, magiliw ang mata.

"Stop being so nervous. Hindi ako nadadamay pero naaalibadbaran ako sa nakikita ko."

I heaved a sigh and removed my pointes. Binuksan ko ang bag at inilabas ang roller. Umupo ako sa lapag habang minamasahe ang paa.

Igor Indian sit beside me as he watched how I relaxed my feet. Tahimik siyang nanonood, ang mata ay nakasunod sa bawat galaw ng paa ko.

"Gusto mo ng jacket ko para upuan mo?" banayad niyang tanong.

Mabilis akong umiling at inilipat ang bola sa kabilang paa. "You're not going to relax your muscles, Igor?"

"Hindi naman ako kabadong-kabado kagaya mo." Bahagya siyang natawa pagkatapos. "What pushed you to ballet, Lavien?"

I blinked when his eyes turned a shade darker. It felt as if the question felt too detrimental for him to ask. Why?

Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata. "I was inspired by my mother."

"Okay lang ba ma-inspired?"

Napakurap muli ako, nagulat sa narinig. The way how his features turned rougher because of a simple question made me nervous.

This is something that he's not cautious about. He portrayed what I am before—naïve.

I felt an ache in my chest as the familiarity radiated in my heart. "I-It's fine as long as you don't completely copy them."

Bumuntong-hininga siya at inilagay ang kamay sa gilid, binabanat ang katawan paatras. Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa kisame, iniikot doon, bago nagbaba at naporma ang labi sa isang linya.

"I don't think ballet's fit for me." Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa 'kin; napasinghap ako.

The way how my heart beat wildly showed how affected I am about my league.

How did he find the will to tell that? Is he also a part of the people who performed as passionate as they can but at the same time lack it? That even though they appeared to be as that, it was the complete opposite? Is their desperation that much for them to mask it for passion?

Even though they appear passionate, it doesn't immediately mean that they are. They happen to mask it for desperation and yearning.

Bumigat ang dibdib ko sa naiintindihan. I didn't know that understanding people could hurt me this much—especially with someone who is of the same league.

"W-What pushed you to dance to ballet?"

Ibinaba niya ang tingin. Ilang segundo siyang natahimik bago magsalita muli. "I danced for as long as I can remember... it was dark—too dark—and I found this as my salvation... but the light started to dim."

Ibinalik niya ang madilim na tingin sa 'kin. "That's all I can say."

Pinigilan kong mapasinghap nang makaramdam ng kung ano sa madidilim niyang mata. The way how emotion environed his face made it feel as if he's in a deep haze.

I think he's believing that he is.

❦

After we received the contest and won first place, we immediately head back. I was enthusiastic to tell it to my mother, the reason why I couldn't help squealing as soon as I arrived.

I didn't expect that with my skills, I am able to help win first place, but I know to myself that it was because of Igor's help. He was the one who danced as if the piece is made for him. I couldn't help thanking him for that.

However, the sadness in his eyes showed how the recognition didn't satisfy him. It felt as if he's yearning for something deeper.

I arrived to see my mom at our garden. Sinusubukan ni Mommy na sumayaw habang inaayos ang porma. Hindi ko mapigilang mapangiti doon.

Bitbit ang natanggap na katunayan ay nagpunta ako kay Mommy, malawak ang ngiti. When she saw the trophy, certificate, and the sash around my neck, she burst into tears. Sinalubong niya ako ng yakap, humihikbi.

"Lavien, anak!" she exclaimed as she saw the achievement I brought home. Hindi ko mapigilang mapa-iyak, rason kung bakit natawa si Mommy.

"Mommy, we won..." Pinipigilan kong humikbi upang makapagsalita nang maayos.

My mother enthusiastically nodded before she pulled me into another hug. Natawa ako nang bahagya at lumayo pagkatapos, iniingatan ang certificate.

"I need to take a picture of you! This is your first award after what happened. Napakadaya ni Hugo at hindi kami pinasama!" saad ni Mommy bago pumasok sa loob.

Bumalik si Mommy na may dalang camera. She asked me to smile and strike a pose. Even though I am shy about it, I did what she asked me to do.

Sa paraan ng panginginig ng katawan ay halata kung paano nahihirapan si Mommy sa paghahawak ng camera. Pinananatili ko pa rin ang ngiti sa labi, umiiyak. Pagkatapos ng ilang litrato ay dahan-dahan kong inilapag ang gamit sa lamesa, binabalot na ng sobra-sobrang tuwa.

Nanlalambot ang katawan ay napayakap ako kay Mommy na sapo-sapo ang dibdib.

"Your father is so proud of you, little Lavien..."

I teared up upon the mention of my father. When I environed my mother into a tight hug, it felt as if my father was there to hug both of us.

It's too much... I'm so happy...

"I miss Daddy..." I whispered.

She nodded, sniffing. "I miss him, too, anak. Let's visit him tomorrow, okay?"

With a heavy heart, I nodded.

Sa oras na 'yon ay wala akong ibang nagawa kun'di maiyak, hindi dahil sa lungkot o sa sama ng loob, kun'di dahil sa sobra-sobrang tuwa.

This is my dream... this is my passion... I like the way how they felt...

❦

We found ourselves in front of my father's grave inside a mausoleum. The Ionic pillars stood as the mausoleum's foundation along with the gates that matched the pearly-white theme. After we have unlocked the gate, we went inside and sat near the tomb. It has been kept tidy, the reason why it's not dusty.

Tahimik si Mommy habang inaayos ang puntod ni Daddy. My father's smiling picture frame is seated atop his tomb. Beside is a vase of fresh flowers.

"I met your father in one of my Romeo and Juliet recitals..." She sighed. "Iyon ang ilan sa mga ganap ko bilang soloist ng Ballet Nocturne. Noong recital ko na 'yon, umattend ang Daddy mo kasama si Elvera. Alam mo kung bakit?"

I shook my head. "Are they close friends?"

"Their family are—at tinutulak silang magpakasal." Kunot-noo ay tumango ako. "Nagpapatulong si Elvera kay Lefrov na makapasok bilang prima ballerina sa Nocturne. Little did she know that the company goes with promotions kaya hindi ka pwedeng maging prima agad, unless ay may backer ka. With Elvera's connection to your father who is a famous businessman that time, she pushed him to help her. Kaya nando'n ang Daddy mo. Nagkataon pa na recital ko. At dahil doon, nagkakilala kami sa backstage at doon nagsimula ang pag-iibigan namin."

There was a smile on her face as she recalled the moment they met. The way how her eyes glistened made me feel as if I want to have that kind of love.

"We went out a few more times... hanggang sa nagkahulugan na kami ng Daddy mo. Ang bait-bait sa 'kin ng Daddy mo. Sobrang mapagmahal din. Ngunit sa sobrang pagkakagusto sa 'kin ni Lefrov at sa kagustuhang maging prima ako dahil iyon ang hangad ng bawat ballerina, may ginawa siya na ikinagalit lalo ni Elvera."

I looked at my father's gentle smile in his picture frame. I didn't think that my father is capable of doing that just to help my mother. Is that how a passion for love works—it has the ability to destroy?

"Noong oras na 'yon, ang daming misunderstanding sa ballet company. Doon nagsimulang sumikat ang isang organisasyon ng ballet na nagra-rank ng mga ballerinas. Nagkaroroon na rin ng agawan sa bawat teatro at sinasabing, kapag nakasayaw ka sa teatrong 'to, tataas ang ranggo mo. Iyon ang naging dahilan kung bakit sobra ang galit sa 'kin ni Elvera." Bumuntong-hininga si Mommy. "Pero naiintindihan ko naman ang saloobin niya..."

Kumirot ang dibdib ko dahil sa lungkot ni Mommy.

"Nagkataon na humihingi ng pabor si Elvera na siya ang pasayawin do'n ngunit ako ang inuna ni Lefrov. Ang Daddy mo ay binayaran ang sikat na teatrong 'yon para doon ako makapag-perform. Pagkatapos mangyari 'yon ay na-promote ako bilang prima ballerina at nakapag-perform ulit do'n ng Swan Lake."

"Galit na galit si Elvera dahil do'n. Kung tutuusin, siya ang nauna sa larangang 'to, pero kahit na malalakas ang koneksyon ni Elvera ay hindi siya ginawang prima ballerina."

"So, it's not about the connections po? It's still the skills..."

My mother nodded. "Yes, anak. Ang skills pa rin ang basehan natin. Kung magpapasok ka ng ballerina bilang prima gamit ang koneksyon, isasalang mo sa mga recital, ngunit ang performance ay pangit, ang reputasyon ng kumpanya ang masisira ro'n. Kahit na sabihing malakas ang koneksyon, nasa kanila kung hahayaan nilang masira no'n ang kumpanya."

Tahimik akong tumango.

"Dahil nauna akong ma-promote kay Elvera, sobra siyang nagalit sa 'kin. At nang malaman niya ang namamagitan sa 'min ng Daddy mo, lalong nadagdagan 'yon. Hanggang sa ipinanganak at lumaki ka ay gano'n pa rin ang trato sa 'kin, hanggang sa mamatay siya..."

Suminghap si Mommy, may namumuong luha sa gilid ng mata. "A-Alam mo, anak? Ang hirap noon—sobrang hirap, pero ang lakas-lakas ng Daddy mo. Against sa 'kin ang pamilya niya dahil mas gusto si Elvera pero ipinaglaban ng Daddy mo ang pagmamahalan namin. Sobra kong na-appreciate ang lahat ng pagpapasensiya ni Lefrov sa 'kin. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi ako karapat-dapat do'n pero paulit-ulit sa 'king pinararamdam ng Daddy mo na deserve ko ang lahat ng sakripisyo niya."

Marahan kong hinagod ang likod ni Mommy at tahimik na nakinig.

"T-Tapos dahil sa 'kin, namatay ang Daddy mo. Itinaon pa sa oras ng recital mo."

"No, Mommy. Please don't blame yourself for that."

"Kaya hindi kita sinisisi noon, anak..."

Napasinghap ako, naaalala ang paninisi sa sarili. Nararamdaman ko muli kung gaano kabigat 'yon sa pakiramdam.

My mother gripped my arm as she leaned on it for support. Lumalalim ang paghinga ni Mommy dala ng pag-iyak.

"I-It's all right, Mommy. L-Let's not blame ourselves because of what happened. Wala pong naninisi. Hindi ko rin po gusto ang nangyari pero wala na po tayong magawa dahil nangyari na..."

Dala ng pag-iyak ay nahihirapan akong lumunok. Pinalis ko ang luha bago hagurin muli ang likod ni Mommy.

"P-Please do not blame yourself about this, Mommy. Alam ko po ang pakiramdam na 'yon at ayaw na ayaw ko pong maramdaman niyo 'yon."

"But our love caused his death, Lavien!" She almost shouted.

Kumirot ang puso ko. "I'm sure Daddy is happy when he loved you... and when he had this family. I know he died without regrets, Mommy." Suminghap ako. "P-Please don't cry. Ayaw po ni Daddy na makita kang umiiyak."

"Kung hindi lang kami nagkakilala-"

Pinutol ko sa mahigpit na yakap si Mommy. Patuloy pa rin ang pagbalot ng sakit sa dibdib ko habang nababasa ng luha. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa naririnig.

"Please don't t-talk like that, Mommy. Masasaktan po si Daddy n'yan..." I tried to calm my breathing as I comforted my mother. "H-He's happy—Daddy's happy now. Malulungkot po siya kapag nakita niyang umiiyak kayo sa harap ng puntod niya. He always wants us to be happy, right? Tahan na po, Mommy..."

Dahan-dahang humina ang pag-iyak ni Mommy habang tahimik kong hinahaplos ang buhok. Ang ilang hibla ng buhok ay dumidikit sa mukha dala ng pawis.

"He wants us to live happily, Mommy. Let's remember that. Let's live without no regrets..."

❦

After we visited my father's grave, I indulged myself in watching my mother's ballet videos that are mostly taken by my father. The videos are burned at CDs, the reason why I am able to watch some of my mother's elegance.

My mother watched with me, too. She kept on telling me the comments about her form and she told me stories about her routines. Nabanggit pa ni Mommy na dahil sa kakulitan niya ay nabalian siya, rason kung bakit hindi nakapagsayaw ng isang linggo.

It was too painful, she said, to be unable to do what you want because of your selfishness. Noong oras na 'yon ay naintindihan ni Mommy na hindi dapat pinupwersa ang sarili.

The next morning, I found my mother smiling happily as she baked in the kitchen. Nakangiti rin ako nang pumunta ro'n habang gumagawa ng oatmeal. Habang inaayos ang kakainin ay binabalot ang paligid ng amoy ng bine-bake.

"Mommy, what are you baking?"

With her apron, she bent down and peeked at the oven. "Carrot cake, anak."

Ngumiti si Mommy bago abutin ang potholder at binuksan ang oven.

As the freshly-baked scent filled the air, I patiently anticipated seeing the appearance of the cake. Bahagya akong nagutom sa naamoy, rason kung bakit ay mata ko ay nakatuon sa hawak ni Mommy.

My eyes immediately grew wide when I saw how golden brown it looked. It appeared to be moist from the inside.

"Let it cool, little Lavien!" paalala ni Mommy habang inaalis ang nakasuot sa katawan. "I'll let you eat it once it's cold. Oh, and another thing, may nag-deliver nga pala ng painting dito kahapon ng umaga."

Mabilis ang tibok ng puso ay umalis ako mula sa pwesto, nawala ang atensyon sa pagkain. Kabado kong inikot ang loob ng bahay, hinahanap ang sinasabing painting. Binabalot ako ng kaba at antisipasyon habang hinahanap ang tinutukoy ni Mommy.

"Mommy, where is it?" I asked as I looked around.

I badly want to wish... I badly want to wish that it came from Tres, but how can he be able to paint? His return was unsure, the reason why I'm satisfied with understanding where he came from. But is this painting—if ever it came from him—a sign of his return?

Hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng sobra-sobrang kaba. Muntik na akong mawalan ng pasensiya katatanong nang makita ang malaking canvas na may kulay brown na balot.

The way how nervousness made my heartbeat rose caused me to be uneasy. I couldn't help anticipating the painting that I'll unravel before me.

Is it too much for me to wish that it came from the passion-induced Tres Lagdameo? I want to tell him that even though he believes that he has no passion left inside of him, I will always be here to believe in him... the same way how he believes in me.

Malakas ang tibok ng puso kasabay ng panginginig ng kamay ay dahan-dahan kong inilapat ang daliri sa takip. Kabado kong pinakiramdaman bago ilapat ang buong kamay, ang dibdib ay punong-puno ng kaba.

It felt... foreign yet familiar. I didn't know why I felt the essence of his piece even at the surface of its cover.

I looked back at my mother who happened to follow me. Nananatili pa rin ang kamay ko na nakalapat sa brown na takip, kinakabahan.

"S-Should I tear it open?" Pinigilan kong manginig ang labi.

My mother gave me a smile before she nodded. Nag-aalanganin ay ibinalik ko ang tingin sa painting, hinahanap ang dulo ng takip.

I found my way at the back and saw a letter. Napakurap ako nang makita ang pangalang nakaukit bago dahan-dahang kinuha, inaalis mula sa pwesto.

With a heavy breath, I carefully removed the brown cover over the painting, anticipation in my bones. Napaawang ang bibig ko nang sinusuyod ang tingin ang gilid ng painting, unang hinahanap ang pirma.

Nang makita ang pirma ay lalo akong kinabahan.

"Anak, that's you..."

It is... almost a life-sized portrait painting of me. The way how he painted my features showed how serious I am with what I'm doing... but I don't know what I'm busy about. The only features that are painted are from my head until my neck.

The painting reeked of so much passion, the reason why I couldn't help thinking of his return.

Does this mean that Tres is finally going back to his league?

Naghahanap ng tanong kasabay ng panginginig ng kamay ay ibinalik ko ang tingin sa hawak. It's a crème board paper with my name etched in gold. When I flipped it, I saw his neat handwriting.

Tuluyan nang nanubig ang mata ko nang mabasa ang mahabang sulat ni Tres.

His handwriting is neat—even his words sounded vivid, passionate, and strong. The way how he wrote it—how passion reeked from it—made me feel as if he's returning to his league. At nang binasa ang kabuoan ay mabilis na nagsituluan ang luha ko.

My lovely Lavien Rosette. I hope this letter finds you well.

Are you shocked by this portrait? You think I'm painting now? Then why won't you remember the oath we swore upon each other?

I painted a portrait of you because I remember you telling me that you don't want to be seen in museums. But, my ballerina, wouldn't you like it if the museum were my heart? Or if the museum would be our escape?

You don't want to be seen in museums because you think that the passionates are only worthy of it. But, my Lavien Rosette, what if I tell you that whether you are passionate or not, you will always be an art that I will never get tired of seeing?

You are my art that I don't want to let the world see. I'm afraid that they will only destroy you, but what's a good painting without feeling destroyed? We all ask for destruction—that's what the world really is.

Lavien Rosette, ma ballerine, remember this.

No matter how many times I paint you, my feeling will always be different—it will keep on getting stronger, and stronger, and stronger until you believe that you are worthy of the passion that you're having.

Because you are my piece of art.

I will always be with you, and your art will always be with me.

Out of all the pieces of art in the world, you are my only choice.

Very Truly Yours,

Tres.

Tuluyan na akong binalot ng iba't ibang emosyon.

Is it too much for me to ask for him to tell it to me? That even though I love to receive a handwritten letter from him, I'd also love to hear his words coming into life?

I know that words are better left unsaid, but is it too much to ask for him to be exempted? That when it comes to Triptolemus Adrastos Lagdameo, I would bother myself with instances I didn't know I'm capable to do?

I only want to be righteous... but with him, it's all right to be unrighteous because he'll be there to guide me. And I'll be here, listening to his beliefs.

As I held the letter close to my heart, desperately yearning for his affection and warmth, I realized that it was enough... that even though there are words left unsaid, I'm happy with the emotion he's making me feel.

And nothing—nothing—will detach me from what I'm feeling.

Because out of all the unrighteousness in this world, he is the unrighteousness that I want to have.