ACT FORTY-TWO

AN ASPIRANT'S HOPE

The last week of my vacation break has been filled with practice and rehearsals in the company. It is filled with nothing but happiness and satisfaction. It felt as if I didn't say goodbye to ballet—as if I didn't deprive myself of this league. It felt nice—the best feeling that I've ever felt since then.

When I first arrived at the company and realized how much I missed the league I loved, I couldn't help being excited. As I roamed my eyes and saw that there were different dancers that are practicing the league, I immediately looked forward to the essence that the Ballet Nocturne will give me.

With the loud beating of my heart, I settled at one spot along with the company's dancers and eagerly listened to the manager. He immediately oriented us about the company's mission, vision, goals, and history that they've created. They also bragged about the achievements that they had along with the prima ballerinas they housed. Nabanggit din do'n si Mommy.

As I felt how the essence of his words reeked of passion, I can only be in awe and appreciate the feeling it's giving me. It is the reason why I am more than eager to practice ballet and enhance my style. I missed this, I know, and I won't trading anything for it.

Even if my age and my body don't permit anymore, I will do all means just so I could be of touch.

Whenever I get home, the first wave of notes environed the air as a classical symphony filled my ears. When I peeked at the Sevilja Ballet Room, I can only smile and be happy for my mother because she's dancing to ballet, too. Tinuturuan siya ni Tita Alessandra at bayad siya ni Mommy kaya madalas si Tita sa bahay.

My father took our passion when he died and for so long, I thought it would be impossible to return to the league I grew up in, but I am more than happy that I am able to.

After all, returning to the league that I once loved is always a dream come true. I'm happy that my mother is able to return, too.

"Okay, listen up, apprentices. May spotting kayo ngayon dahil sa Giselle recital. Sumali kayo sa corps de ballet at tuturuan kayo ng ibang techniques do'n," was the instruction of the choreographer.

I finished the last of my warm-up routine before I headed to the apprentices that joined the corps de ballet. Joining the corps de ballet through spotting is one of the ways in how an apprentice can gain experience. We learn how the corps work and some other techniques taught by the choreographer.

However, It's not easy to be a part of the corps. Mas demanding ang pagiging parte no'n kumpara sa mas nakatataas na ganap. Hindi lang sarili ang aalalahanin kun'di ang pagkakaisa ng sayaw ng lahat. Madalas ding kasama sa iba't ibang parte, rason kung bakit mas maraming pagpapalit ng damit at sasauluhing sayaw.

Even though being an apprentice is the lowest position in a ballet company, I treat it as highly as prima. Apprentices can learn through professional ballet dancers and choreographers in the role, the reason why it's one of the best starting position for me. Ngunit kahit anong ganap, basta tungkol sa pag-baballet ay tatanggapin ko.

It's not easy to be a part of the corps. Mas demanding ang pagiging parte no'n kumpara sa mas nakatataas na ganap. Hindi lang sarili ang aalalahanin kun'di ang pagkakaisa ng sayaw ng lahat. Madalas ding kasama sa iba't ibang parte, rason kung bakit mas maraming pagpapalit ng damit at sasauluhing sayaw.

"The first rehearsal's really the toughest one," the female choreographer started. "You'll wrack your brain out. A lot of things are going on. There will be new steps one after another. Minsan, hindi ka na makasusunod sa steps dahil ang dami ng nasa utak mo. But as the rehearsal progresses, mas mapadadali."

I put on the garterized light fabric on my waist. Along with the courses of the practices, I have grown fond of its use—to feel the form of the costume. The corps de ballet that will be dancing to Giselle will be wearing long dresses for their costumes, the reason why there's a need to work on its structure. It will be much more complex to dance without those because you're not used to it.

"Giselle is a tale about love and betrayal. She is a woman who has a weak heart but she loves to dance. The corps de ballet of Giselle is called Wilis. There will be twenty-four of you. Ang ganap niyo ay mga kaluluwa ng mga babaeng namatay bago ang kasal. And mind you, it is one of the most challenging ballets para sa female corps de ballet."

She looked around before she continued. "Giselle has two acts. Sa Act 1, magkikita si Giselle, a peasant maid, at si Count Albrecht. Nagandahan si Albrecht kay Giselle, at noong araw ng village wine festival, nagpanggap na peasant din si Albrecht para suyuin si Giselle. Hindi nagpadala si Giselle roon, pero dahil sa pagiging persistent ni Albrecht, nahulog ang loob ni Giselle. Ang kaso nga lang, dumating ang fiancé ni Albrecht na si Bathilde."

"Si Bathilde ay anak ng Duke of Courland, at katulad ni Albrecht ay nagandahan din siya kay Giselle. Sinabi pa ni Giselle kay Bathilde na i-eengage siya. Nagregalo naman si Bathilde ng necklace. Take note, ha, hindi niya alam na engaged sila sa parehong tao."

"Dumating naman si Hilarion, ang lalakeng may gustong-gusto kay Giselle. Dahil nagseselos siya kay Albrecht, sinabi niya ang tunay na identity ni Albrecht. Dahil do'n, nawalan ng rason si Giselle kaya namatay siya."

The dancers were silent as they listened to the story. However, with the years that the company is standing in this league, I am sure that this isn't the first time that they've heard the story. If it weren't for the placements of choreographers in every act, I am sure that they've had memorized all of the steps.

It's one of the reasons why I love to dance to ballet. Kahit na paulit-ulit ang sasayawin, iba pa rin ang pakiramdam sa bawat recital.

"At sa Act 2 naman papasok ang mga Wilis. Inilibing si Giselle sa kagubatan at naging Wilis na rin siya. Nang umiyak si Hilarion sa puntod ni Giselle, nagpakita si Myrtha, Queen of the Wilis, at tinawag ang mga maidens niya na nasa kagubatan. They are the souls of the sad girls, at ang ganap nila ay pasayawin nang pasayawin ang mga manlalakbay hanggang sa mamatay sa pagod bago mag-madaling araw. Namatay si Hilarion dahil doon."

"Nang dumating si Albrecht, tinawag ni Myrtha si Giselle at inutusan na pasayawin si Albrecht. Pero hunghang itong si Giselle at mahal pa rin siya, dahil doon, tinulungan niyang mabuhay si Albrecht habang nagsasayaw bago sumapit ang madaling araw kung saan wala ng kapangyarihan ang mga Wilis. Pagkatapos noon ay bumalik si Giselle sa puntod habang si Albrecht ay nanatiling buhay."

She clapped her hands. I immediately stood up along with the other dancers and went to the assigned spot. The practice immediately started and I felt myself enjoying my hours.

It was crucial to know the story at heart, the reason why it is needed to know the entire story about the choreography. Even though the dance of the Wilis didn't take a lot of time in the recital, the hours that are dedicated to dancing and perfecting the act exceeded.

Within the practices for the Wilis, swapping at one time and another, or dancing to the side as I watched the official lineup of the dancers, I know I am enjoying what I'm doing. Though the position I am in is at the lowest, I am thankful for what I'm having.

No matter what role I'm given in, I'll always find it in my heart to like it. After all, I am pursuing what I want.

❦

Summer break has ended and I found myself shifting into the course that I love—ballet. Though the training and rehearsals that I'll be having at the company will ask for my presence, I tried my best to balance between company and school.

I wanted to get a bachelor's degree, the reason why I strived hard in studying.

I was enthusiastic about the days that I spent at the campus even though there were very few units that were credited. I didn't know that I could be as relaxed as this, but I could care less. As long as I'm following the league that I've always loved, I'll be happy.

When I lined up in front of the Administration Office and was greeted by Annika's confused face, I can only smile at her. When she peeked at my form and saw the 'first-year' written on it, it made her even more confused. Natawa na lang ako ro'n.

I waited for a few more minutes until she got off the line. Inaayos niya ang hawak na papel at isinilid sa plastic attache case bago bumaling sa 'kin, nanlalaki ang mata.

"Huy, bakit gan'yan, Vien? Graduating na tayo this year!" she exclaimed after we finished enrolling. We started to walk while I continued to smile at my enrollment form.

The word ballet kept on making me smile. Hindi pa rin talaga ako makapaniwala.

When I was young and first heard of the Royal Colleges of the Arts, I was enthusiastic to grow up and study ballet in the College. When I was given the chance to choose the course that I'll be pursuing, I immediately felt the dread and bitterness when I put the 'Fashion Design' as my course.

Now, after years of deprivation, I can finally say that I'm pursuing my league at my dream school. No matter how late I'll graduate, as long as I'm pursuing what I want, I can care less. It is the happiness and satisfaction that I'm working on, not competition.

"Vien! You're not listening, jusko."

Natawa ako at itinuro ang 'ballet' sa form. "I'm pursuing ballet now, Annika!" I exclaimed and hugged her. Napayakap siya pabalik ngunit ramdam kong nag-aalangan siya.

She fixed her spectacles after she detached from the hug. She looked at me, worried, before her gaze dropped at the form that I'm holding.

Malakas ang tibok ng puso ko habang pinakikiramdaman ang enrollment form na hawak.

I kept on thinking about the activities that I'll be having as a ballet student. The rehearsals, apart from the company's, that I'll be having; the History of ballet; the excitement of practices and performance at the auditorium!

I couldn't help being excited about it. It felt like I can finally breathe free. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang malakas na tibok ng puso dahil sa saya.

It's here! I can feel it...

"Tuwang-tuwa ka talaga pag ballet, 'no?" she inquired with a pout. "I'm so happy for you, Vien. Finally, nagagawa mo na ang gusto mo. Nakikita ko na rin ulit 'yung ngiti mo noong nagtuturo ka sa studio niyo rati."

Her eyes started to water the same way as mine. Niyakap ko muli si Annika at tahimik na umiyak sa balikat niya.

"Though we won't be having similar classes, visit me now and then, please? I'll do the same, Anni. Thank you for being with me."

She nodded. "Of course, Vien! Hindi kita kalilimutan kahit na ang weird ng approach mo sa 'kin noong una."

I laughed and hugged her tighter. The memory on my first encounter with her flashed at the back of my mind. "You're graduating now... I hope I can work with you as a ballerina. Gawa ka ng costume ko?"

She nodded. "Kung gusto mo, gawin ko pang birthday gift at any other gift sa 'yo, e!" She pulled away from the hug.

We talked for a little more before we parted ways. Nakangiti akong nagpaalam kay Annika, nanghihinayang sa kawalan ng oras kasama siya.

Even though I am saddened about the difference between our courses along with the years that I spent as a fashion design student, the only thing that's left inside me is anticipation and excitement.

I closed my eyes and felt how emotions environed my system.

It is the same College that I am enrolled in but it felt different—it felt livelier than before. It felt as if my self-deprivation years are long gone.

I kept on looking forward to the happiness it could give me. I kept on looking forward to the days where I can showcase my passion and overcome my fear of performing.

As I take in the ambiance of passion, I can finally declare that I am a part of it.

I am happy because, at the end of my heartaches, I can finally declare that I'm free.

❦

I found myself standing in front of The Raison, expecting to see a man inside of it. But when I found the courage to go inside and see the people who are interested in passion, I can only be saddened about what I saw.

Nanikip ang dibdib ko nang makita ang paintings ni Tres. Nananatili pa rin silang naka-display, ang ilaw ay nakatutok sa kahusayan na ibinabalandra.

If he were to visit, what will he feel? Will he feel frustrated because he had the power to paint like that before and now, he has no power to? Will he feel the longing? Or will he embrace it and accept that he will never, ever return to it?

I remembered how I spent my years deprived and envious about the passion of the others. I remembered how I hated the way how passion reeked from their form, and that they can only do it with their heart. I remembered how I struggled with the new-found league I forced myself into.

Sure, I am used to dancing ballet in front of other people because of my rehearsals, classes, and practices. However, the fear and guilt that I have are still at the back of my mind, the reason why I can't continuously force myself into reaching the extent of exhaustion just to fully sate my thirst.

I was satisfied in how I handled my yearning. I was satisfied in the way I struggled in learning. I was satisfied with every suffering that I had because if I didn't, I know I wouldn't be as strong as today.

I closed my eyes and listened to the symphony in the air. I knew I missed the ambiance of the College, but I am sure that I am looking forward to something deeper—something stronger and wiser.

But with the things that happened to him, where is he, what is he, and how is he now?

It was the reason why I found myself standing in front of the Da Vinci Hall, the room where I used to take my additional painting classes. The classes have already ended, the reason why it was empty.

Yet I remembered how he appeared at the back. How he was painting the children at his big canvas. It was also the same time when he asked me to be his muse.

My hurt clenched in pain at that. I can only remember and reminisce the fragments he left.

Passion—it was a part of him that I'll keep on searching for. I know I am desperate enough to think that there will be a sound emitting from the inside, the reason why I'll stop walking. However, I can only imagine and yearn for his presence.

When I pushed the door open and looked around, the only thing that I felt is sadness. The passion-induced man isn't here and I am not sure where he was. Kahit anong pilit ko na isipin na nasa dulo si Tres, seryosong nagpipinta, wala akong ibang magawa kun'di isipin at alalahanin ang naging estado niya bago masira.

Umalis ako mula roon, mabigat ang dibdib.

I didn't know why I felt the sudden urge to cry, the reason why I stopped walking and found a nearby bench. My heart felt heavy because of what I felt.

I couldn't stop myself from remembering the sadness and pain in Tres' eyes when he told me that he wasn't painting for himself... or when he told me that he wasn't satisfied with what he's been doing... or even the thought of destruction didn't bother him before, but now it did—the reason why he crumbled.

Mabigat ang dibdib ko habang inaalala 'yon, tahimik na nagmamakaawa na makita ang dating estado ni Tres. Kahit hindi na bumalik sa pagpipinta, makita ko lang ang liwanag sa mata niya. O kaya kahit kaonting ngiti at pagbalik ng estado niya noon.

What is his reaction to the death of his father, anyway? It's all over the news...

I realized that I kept on asking for things that I've hated or things that I've taken for granted. It was a thing that I've failed to understand—that we will only be saddened by the loss of the things we failed to appreciate.

I know I wanted to listen to his words no matter how much unrighteousness reeked from it. Paulit-ulit akong magmamakaawa at magdarasal na makita ang pagbabalik ni Tres sa larangang gustong-gusto niya.

But with the lack of will to continue, or even a muse or an inspiration, what will be left of him? I wasn't sure that if he were to return, he'd be as strong as before... or will he ever do?

Those were the questions that kept on bugging me.

I know I hated how passion oozed from him because I was envious because I had it... but right now? I can plead. I can plead for its return—or even see the happiness in his eyes because he deserves it. He deserves every single thing in this world be it passion-related or not.

I want to let him know that even though he is filled with a passion ever since he knew of its existence, it isn't the only thing that composes him. However, if he were to listen, will he understand?

I can only guess and anticipate for arrival. As I wait for his return, the only thing that's left for me to do is to continue my passion as a tribute for the passion that he gave me. It's the only thing that's left for his presence, and I know the exact reason why I am hurt for him.

It's not only because I knew him to be someone that is filled with passion. It's not only because I saw him as a man who has a stand about anything. It's not only because I saw him crumbling in front of me—it's because I'm worried about him because I love him.

And it pains me a lot that if there won't be any chance for me to see him within this year, my feelings will be left unsaid.

I didn't like how it felt. I didn't like how the thought of it—having words unsaid—when it comes to him made me feel destroyed.

Is it because my passion-deprived years is caused by words that are unsaid?

If not, then what is it? All I know is that he's an artist, and every artist deserves the recognition, appreciation, and support that they're having. Even though he'll tell me that he doesn't need those just to prove he's an artist, I am very sure that deep inside him, a part of him thinks like it.

Because with Tres Lagdameo, the word 'passion' speaks for his name.

"Kamusta ka na, Miss FD?"

I glanced at my side only to see a handkerchief stretched in front of me. Nanatili ang tingin ko ro'n, sinisilip kung may gintong linyang naka-emburda pero wala.

Sumakit ang dibdib ko roon. The bitterness of false hope spread at my throat.

"Iyak nang iyak si Miss Lavien. Tahan na, o." It was Gio's voice.

I sadly raised my head and smiled at him.

Ngumiwi siya sa 'kin. "'Yang ngiting 'yan! 'Yang ngiting 'yan may ine-expect na ibang tao! Hinahanap mo si Tres, 'no?"

Suminghap ako at marahas na umiling. Itinulak ko ang panyo niya at pinalis ang luha. "N-No! Napuwing lang ako."

He let out a sigh and leaned at the chair. Nanatili siyang nakabukaka habang nakanguso't iniikot ang tingin sa paligid.

"Alam mo ba, share ko lang, si Tres ay-"

"Is he okay, Gio?" I cut off. Hindi ko na maitago ang pag-aalala.

He immediately looked at me, his mouth ajar. Bahagya akong natawa nang makita ang reaksyon niya.

I let out a sigh and stared at the sky. I felt at peace when the clouds slowly moved around. It lessened the fast pace of my nervous heart.

"Miss mo na ba?"

"I'm worried about him," is the only thing that I can say.

If there are words about Tres that I'd want to tell, I'd tell it in front of him. I don't want anyone to relay it in an emotion that doesn't fit mine.

He feels strongly... I want to tell it strongly, too.

"You're graduating, too, right? With Tres and Michelangelo..."

"Oo, kung hindi magbubulakbol at magtatapunan ng pangliha," he joked. "Si Tres din sana, kaso..."

Napalingon ako. "Kaso?"

He sighed. "Enrolled pero 'di pumapasok. Lakas topak no'n 'kala mo hari ng RCA."

"But he's the 'Golden Boy'," I pointed out. Nginiwian lang niya ako.

"Alam mo ikaw-"

"I'm Lavien," I joked and stood up. Nginitian ko si Gio habang nagpapalis ng luha. Itinuro ko ang ballet shoes na nasa leeg ko. "And I'm not a fashion design student anymore, Gio. Please tell that to him."

Panandaliang naningkit ang mata ni Gio nang tiningnan ang nasa leeg ko. Nagsimula na akong maglakad, bahagyang nakangiti, habang inaantisipa ang mga susunod na araw.

"Huy! Ano raw? E ano ka na? Drop out?!" he shouted from a distance.

I chuckled and didn't bother myself to respond.

As much as I want to tell them things that consist of my dream and passion, there is one person that I'm interested in talking to—the passion-induced man. That even though he declares that there is nothing left in him, I will be the one to declare that he still has one. And that he needs hope.

Because in the league of dreams and passion, the best thing a person can have is hope.

Hope. Hope until everyone believes that you can do it. Hope until everyone believes that you are fit for it. Hope until you see the light that will redeem you from the shackles that held you dearly.

Hope. A word that seemed to be intimidating but if only we were to try, we will succeed.