ACT THIRTY-NINE

OF SELFLESSNESS AND HAPPINESS

After I heard about the date of the Assembly's art exhibit, I found myself attending it with my mother. Kahit na pag-aalala ang nakabalot sa mukha ni Mommy, alam kong mas nangingibabaw ang kagustuhan niyang makita si Renalie.

Since Renalie and Emmett are charged with cases regarding rebellions, a lot of security were around the exhibit as they allowed the Assembly to continue its plan. Nakasabit muli ang mga ginawang paintings ni RAN habang nakikipagkamay ang pintor sa mga bisita.

Some of the children brought their art materials and managed to secure a picture with the rebel painter. Hindi ko alam kung bakit masyadong maluwag kay RAN, pero sa tingin ko ay hindi naman nila nakikitang magdudulot ng kung anong kaguluhan ang pintor.

They believe that the only disturbance that the rebel painter created is through his paintings. As the little "meet and greet" progressed, there were no signs for his physical attempts. Nanatili pa ring payapa ang exhibit.

Renalie took the podium and called the attention of the attendees. Napunta roon ang atensyon ni Mommy, rason kung bakit hinatak niya ako papalapit.

Iniikot ni Renalie ang tingin sa paligid, may luha sa kan'yang mata. Humugot siya ng malalim na hininga bago magsalita sa harap ng mikropono.

"Greetings, e-everyone..." Her voice is shaking. "I want to thank all of you for the love and support that you gave to the Assembly. Tanda ko pa, itinayo ko ang Asembliyang ito dahil nakuha ng interes ko ang mga paintings ni RAN. I am a woman and I love revolutions. Nang malaman kong pwedeng makagawa ng ingay ang mga paintings niya ay hindi ako nag-dalawang isip na bumuo ng organisasyon na sumusuporta sa kan'ya."

She glanced at Emmett who stood beside her.

"Emmett, thank you for your service. Thank you for inspiring a lot of artists. Your works and the ideology that you showed inspired many. Lubos na lubos ang pagpapasalamat ko sa 'yo kasi hinayaan mo ang Asembliya na suportahan ka hanggang dulo. We pledged that if one of us fell, the other will follow, too. At pinatunayan natin 'yon."

Humarap muli siya sa mga manonood.

"You worked with us in both of our easiest and hardest times. We are so thankful for your love and support. Gusto naming ipaalam na kahit suportado namin si RAN sa gusto niyang daan para pagsilbihan ang kaso niya, huwag niyong kalilimutan na may nag-alay ng buhay niya para sa sining. This Assembly exists because we want to embody each and every artist out there. We want to show you that pursuing art in our hearts is not something that we should be ashamed of. Nandito tayo sa unyon na ito kasi rito tayo dinala ng ating mga puso."

"Sana, kahit na mabuwag na ang Asembliya, ay ipagpatuloy ninyo kung ano ang isinigaw ng puso ninyo. Huwag kayong mapanghinaan ng loob dahil naniniwala ako—kami—na ang pagkabuo ng Asembliya nito—ang pagdala ng ingay ng mga pininta ni RAN—ay naging daan para bigyang pansin ang sining... kahit na hindi nila nakikita ito sa magandang paraan."

"Sana'y palagi nating tatandaan na hindi dapat ikahiya kung ginusto nating ipursige ang sining. Sa mga naniniwala, huwag tayong panghinaan ng loob dahil naniniwala akong sa likod ng mga ginawa naming ito, mabibigyan ng mas malaking budget ang mga trabaho tungkol sa sining. Sa mga hindi naniniwala, sana ay nakatutulog kayo nang mahimbing kahit na alam niyong naaapakan na ninyo ang pangarap ng mga taong iniinsulto niyo."

"Muli, ako si Renalie Narvaez, isa sa punong-myembro ng Assembly Empowering Art for Social Reform, ay namamaalam na sa unyong ito. Maraming salamat sa inyong suporta. Maraming-maraming salamat sa inyong pakikibaka. Hanggang sa muli!"

The moment she finished her speech is the moment that the public expressed their gratitude through shouts and claps. Napuno ang paligid ng ingay, sa kasobrahan ay napwersa akong umalis mula sa pwesto. Hindi sumama si Mommy, rason kung bakit mag-isa akong napunta sa gilid.

I settled at the spot away from the concentration of the crowd. Tahimik akong nanonood mula sa gilid nang may tumigil na bulto sa gilid ko.

"Kamusta ka na, Lavien?"

I glanced at my right only to see Atlas. Though his face looked ruthless, a part of him carried benevolence. Maaliwalas ang kan'yang mukha at masasabing may nagbago.

"Are you okay?" was my question to him. Hindi ako sanay na hindi maloko ang itsura niya.

He gave me a chuckle as he scratched his nape. "Ano ka ba? Chicks? Nagulat ka ba sa kagwapuhan ko?" I sighed when his personality returned, once again. "Chill lang, Lavien. Iba na 'ko. Hindi na ako katulad ng dati."

"If you're talking about you being straightforward and harsh-"

"Oo, gano'n nga." Tumawa muli siya. "Pero, seryoso. Mas mabait na ako kaysa rati."

Even though I wasn't contented with what he said, I found myself nodding before I looked away. Iniikot ko muli ang tingin sa mga taong hindi pa rin nagpapatinag sa saloobin. Mga taong inaalab ng paghanga sa iniidolo nila.

I wonder... does Tres feels the same way?

"Thank you."

Napalingon ako sa kan'ya, nangungunot ang noo. Did I hear it right?

"Did you say 'thank you', Atlas?" kunot-noo kong tanong.

He rose his brow. "Masama na bang magpasalamat?" he joked. "Seriously, Vien. I want to say thank you for helping me. Kayo ni Tres at ni Mikhail. Sobrang laki ng tulong niyo sa 'kin."

I shrugged. "I didn't do anything about your situation, Atlas. You were the one who helped me."

"Pero nakatulong ka talaga. Seryoso ako ro'n."

Nang lumingon ako ay seryoso siyang nakatingin sa 'kin. I nodded at him, once again.

"Why are you here?" pagtatanong ko, iniiba ang usapan.

He sighed and slid his fingers in his pocket. "Hindi ka ba magtatanong kung bakit ginawa ni RAN 'to?"

I pursed my lips and looked away. Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa harapan at napansing nakikipag-usap na si Mommy kay Renalie. Umatras ako nang may humingi ng paumanhin sa pagdaan.

"I think I'm past that phase. I have learned to understand where they came from." Lumingon ako sa kan'ya. "How about you? What's your next plan? Ligtas ka na ba?"

"The issue's done with me. Hindi ko na poproblemahin pa kasi nag-file na si Mama ng restraining order. Ewan ko kung may magagawa 'yon kay Papa pero bakit hindi subukan, 'di ba? Umeepekto naman na parang insect repellant."

"Not all insect repellant works," I pointed out; he responded with a chuckle.

"Vien, kapag sinabi ko 'to..." He let out a sigh. "Tungkol sa pintor at sining, maniniwala ka ba? O iba maririnig mo?"

I smiled. "Why not try, Atlas? Doon ko lang masasabi."

He nodded and brushed his hair. "Isn't the role of an artist is to broaden and to create a new perspective? To stray away from the mediocre and when successful, start a revolution?"

Napasinghap ako nang makaramdam ng sakit sa dibdib. Hindi ko alam kung bakit iba ang nararamdaman ko.

"You sounded like..."

"Katunog si Tres, 'no?" Itinaas niya ang kilay. "Wala e, iba dating no'n sa 'kin noong nagtatago ako kina Mikhail."

Marahas akong napalunok, inaalis ang bara sa lalamunan. "Do you have... any communications with him? Did he stop painting?"

Ang maliit niyang ngiti ang nagpalala sa nararamdaman ko.

"No, don't say it..." I pleaded when my heart tightened. "When you were there at the mansion... what was he like?"

"Sino? Si Tres?"

I firmly closed my eyes when the mention of his name bothered me.

"Sorry," he said. "Ano, ayos lang. Gano'n pa rin naman. 'Di ko nga ine-expect na siya si RAN. Nahiya tuloy ako sa pinaggagawa ko sa RCA. Pakiramdam ko hinuhusgahan ako ni Tres."

"How did you know that he was RAN?"

He chuckled and moved his leg. Napunta roon ang tingin niya habang tumatawa. "Bwisit na bwisit sa 'kin si Tres no'n, lalo na si Mikhail. Nagtataka pa nga ako kung bakit ako dinala sa mansyon nila noong sinabing poprotektahan daw ako e. Parang bodyguard, amputa."

"Sabi nila poprotektahan ka nila?

He nodded. "Kahit na hindi gaanong matunog ang mga de Angelis, malakas naman kapangyarihan n'yan. Naitago nga ako mula kay Papa." Humalakhak muli siya. "Alam mo bang galit na galit si Mikhail sa 'kin no'n kaya binalibag ako sa kwarto kung saan nagpipinta si Tres? Dinaig pa kabayong may regla e."

Kinunotan ko siya ng noo. "Walang regla ang kabayo?"

Tinawanan lang niya ako. "'Wag mo na pansinin 'yung dulo. Basta pwersahan sa 'king nginudngod na gaya-gaya ako katulad ni Tres, pero hanga ako sa kan'ya, 'lam mo 'yon? 'Di na ako naiinggit."

I glanced at him to show that I wasn't convinced of what he said. "Wala na talaga?"

Ngumuso siya at nag-iwas ng tingin. "Sige... kaonti."

Nagpakawala ako ng hininga at natawa.

Ever since that I met Atlantis Salvador, I knew he was a man who speaks of nothing but pure unrighteousness. That if ever I'll be associated with him, I'll be in danger.

And I did. I experienced it, but because of it, I had the chance to diminish the line between the righteous and unrighteous. Without the help of the opposing factor, I wouldn't be able to broaden my perspectives.

"Where are you going now, Atlas? Are you going to continue studying at RCA?"

"Oo naman, s'yempre. Isang taon na lang."

"But what about your issue with the Dean? They didn't expel you?"

Kinamot niya muli ang batok. "Muntik na!" His eyes were delighted. "Community service na lang, sabi ko. Naawa naman si Madam."

I nodded, a bitter taste in my mouth. "I just couldn't believe it..." I murmured.

"Ha? Alin?"

I let out a sigh and smiled. Umiling ako. "It's nothing... ang dami kasing nangyari. With Tres, with me, the rebellions and all..." I looked at him. "Do you think that something good will happen with the disappearance of the Assembly?"

He grinned at me and patted my head. "Maging positive na lang tayo, Vien. Iyon na lang gawin mo imbes na sobrang mag-alala."

I smiled at him and realized that he, too, changed.

❦

A few hours after the art exhibit ended and I found myself beside my mother, again. Hinila niya ako at ipinakilala kay Renalie Narvaez. Pinilit ko na lang ang sarili na makisama kahit na hindi gaanong gusto.

What she did to Tres kept on bugging my mind. The respect is the best thing that I can give, other than that, I have none.

"This is my unica hija, Lavien!" my mother exclaimed as she introduced me.

Renalie Narvaez's eyes scanned my face before she gave me a smile. Kumabog ang dibdib ko nang hawakan niya ang aking kamay. I don't know why I was relaxed when her eyes turned softer... is it because it reminded me of Tres?

"That's why you look familiar, hija!" she pointed out. Marahan niyang hinawakan ang pisngi ko, naiiyak. "That's why I felt something when I first saw you."

"Nagkita na pala kayo ni Lavien noon?" my mother asked, excited.

Renalie glanced at my mother. "Oo, Aria. Noong umattend siya ng Painting for a Cause." She returned her attention to me. "Did you like it, hija? Ay, saan ka nga pala nag-aaral? Baka magkaklase kayo ng anak ko."

"She's studying at RCA, Rena! At sa tingin ko'y hindi na niya itutuloy ang kurso niya ngayon. Mag-shi-shift siya. Am I correct, Vien?"

Hindi ko maitago ang tuwa nang banggitin iyon ni Mommy. Even though I am not fond of Renalie's presence, I found it in my heart to smile and nod.

"I-I'll take professional ballet po," I said, grinning. "Fashion Design po ang course ko before. I'll shift."

She nodded at me, interested in what she heard. "Pareho pala kayo ng anak ko na si Tres!" Suminghap ako nang marinig ang pangalan. "But I'm sad about my son... hindi na ako kino-contact."

"It's sad, right, Renalie?" singit ni Emmett Ricaforte. He immediately placed his hand over Renalie Narvaez's shoulders and smiled. "Ikaw pala ang kinekwentong matalik na kaibigan ni Renalie. Ariadne ba?"

"Yes! Yes, I'm Ariadne! Natutuwa ako at nabanggit ako ni Rena sa 'yo."

"Why wouldn't I, Aria? Ikaw talaga. Hindi naman ako nakalilimot."

My mother smiled, pleased with what she heard.

They continued to converse for a while as I tried my best to be interested in their topic. But with the lack of interest and the thought of what they did to Tres, I couldn't seem to be happy about their presence. Pinanatili ko na lang ang ngiti at mahabang pasensiya hanggang matapos sina Mommy.

A few minutes more and they bid goodbye to each other. Naiiyak si Mommy nang magpaalam kay Renalie Narvaez. Wala na siyang ibang nagawa kun'di yumakap at humalik sa pisngi bago tuluyang umalis.

Hindi ko mapigilang mainggit sa kanilang dalawa. Their friendship stood strong after all those years for it to end with the other's impending death.

❦

When we arrived home, we immediately changed our clothes. Plano ni Mommy ay samahan akong pumunta sa ballet studio para magturo sa mga bata. She told me that she misses the studio, too. I think she's considering returning to ballet. If so, I'd be very, very happy to be with her. I'll wholeheartedly follow her plan.

A few days after I declared that I will return to ballet, the essence of the league that I chose returned to me. Though it didn't reach the pinnacle of what I expected to have, I managed to appreciate and work with its essence.

Tuwing gabi ay sumasayaw ako sa Sevilja habang inaalala kung ano ang tamang postura ng katawan. Kahit na pagod sa katuturo at kapa-practice tuwing libreng oras sa ballet studio ay hindi ko magawang makalma ang sarili kahit na gabi. In the end, I stayed up late at night.

I wasn't bothered by my new routine, anyway. I found it close to the routine that I've had before. Waking up early just to stretch, fill my schedule with ballet and pointe works, finish my classes, and continue the practice at home, before I sleep with a body filled with new sores and blisters. Then I'll wake up with an aching body and repeat my routine, once again.

Though waking up with that feeling has been usual, I grew numb to it, the reason why I managed to adapt to the new routine I gave to myself. I have started to appreciate, once again, the bliss that ballet's been giving me. With that, I found myself happy and satisfied as time passed by.

I woke up satisfied and I slept satisfied. It is the routine that I will always love.

After we arrived at the ballet studio, my mother excused herself. Sabi niya ay may aasikasuhin daw siya sa loob.

"But you didn't remember anything, Lavien?" she asked, her eyes a little hopeful.

Nangunot ang noo ko. "Wala naman po. Bakit?"

She puckered her lips and shook her head. "Sige, anak. Pasok na ako sa loob."

I followed my mother's retreating body as she disappeared inside the studio's hall. Kahit nagtataka ay pumasok ako sa loob, iniikot ang tingin sa paligid.

At most times, there will be faint sounds filling the air while being accompanied by the sound of the pointes hitting the ground. I will hear some words from the humble-spoken instructions after the notes ended before another batch of notes started.

However, it was undeniably quiet. I couldn't hear the usual sound of the studio.

"Mommy?"

Kumunot ang aking noo nang makarinig ng pamilyar na tunog. With the loud beating of my heart, I found myself following the symphony in the air. My heart pounded, the reason why I was immediately filled with nervousness.

As I drew nearer to the source of the sound, I stopped walking when I realized the piece being played.

La Vie En Rose.

Napasinghap ako. Nang mahanap ang lakas na itulak ang pinto ay hindi ako makagalaw sa pwesto.

The lights immediately turned on.

Tita Alessandra sat at the grand piano as she maneuvered the keys to fill the air with notes coming from her piece. The way how the notes settled in my ears brought nostalgia in my form as I remembered how I loved hearing it. Hindi ko mapigilang mapaiyak nang marinig ang pagkanta mula sa mga batang boses.

"Hold me close and hold me fast. The magic spell you cast. This is la vie en rose. When you kiss me, Heaven sighs. And though I close my eyes. I see la vie en rose..."

I covered my mouth to muffle my sobs. Patuloy pa rin sa pagkanta ang mga bata habang nakangiti sa 'kin. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman dahil sa halo-halong emosyon na bumabalot sa katawan.

Lumapit si Teacher Carlos na may dalang cake. Kasunod niya si Mommy na may dalang malaking box, nakangiti sa 'kin.

When I recognized the role of the cake, I realized that today is my birthday. Hindi ko natandaan dahil sobrang dami kong iniisip!

As the children continued to sing, they went nearer. Patuloy pa rin ako sa pag-iyak habang patuloy silang papalapit. Nang matapos na ang kanta ay umiiyak pa rin ako.

"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, happy birthday... Happy birthday to you!"

Pinilit ko ang ngumiti kahit na inaabot 'yon ng ngiwi. Pinalis ko ang luha habang kinakalma ang paghinga.

"Happy birthday, Lavien! What's your wish?" my mother asked, her smile reflected the light from the candle.

I firmly closed my eyes and clasped my hands as I recalled my wish. What do I wish for? To whom shall I dedicate this wish for? Shall I be selfish and have this for myself?

I realized that I've had enough of my selfishness.

I wish for everyone to find where they belong, and when they return, I hope they could be able to pursue what they love. I hope they'll be able to understand themselves because out of all things unexplainable in the world, we should always remember the essence of our existence. That no matter how many people tell us that suffering isn't worth it and that we should give up on it, we should keep on finding hope.

Nagpakawala ako ng ngiti bago hipan ang kandila. The light disappeared into smoke when I blew away the flame. I felt a sense of satisfaction in my heart.

My mother appeared with a box on her hand. "Here is my gift for you, Vien! Alam kong magugustuhan mo 'to..."

Teary-eyed, I reached for the box that was given by my mother. Pinapalis ang luha ay inalis ko ang ribbon mula sa kahon bago unti-unting binuksan. Nanlaki ang aking mata, muntik nang mahulog ang kahon kung hindi ko lang napigilan ang sarili.

A new pair of pointes!

Ibinalik ko ang tingin kay Mommy at mahigpit siyang niyakap. Patuloy ako sa pag-iyak habang hawak-hawak ang iniregalong sapatos.

"Yes, Lavien... I know how ballet means so much to you, anak. I hope you'll use this as a sign for your return?"

I enthusiastically nodded at her and looked at my pointes. "Of course, Mommy. Of course! Babalik po ako sa ballet. Mag-baballet po ulit ako."

I bit my lip as I refrained myself from crying. Hinila ako ni Tita Alessandra sa yakap bago marahang hinaplos ang buhok ko. "I'm sorry if your Tita can't tell you the truth, Lavien. Alam kong wala akong karapatan sabihin at ipagkait sa 'yo 'yon, but I am happy that you're stronger than before!"

Suminghap ako at tumango. "Thank you for always being with us, Tita Alessandra. Salamat po at hindi po kayo nagsasawa sa pag-aalaga at pagsama sa 'min. It means a lot, Tita. Sobra-sobra po..."

She hugged me tighter as she kissed my head. "Tita is so, so proud of you, anak. Ipagpatuloy mo na ang pangarap mo noon, ha? Lagi kaming susuporta ng Mommy mo sa 'yo."

I nodded at her as I held the pointes closer to my heart. "Opo, Tita. I will."

I closed my eyes as I felt the essence of ballet through my pointes.

I know I did a lot. I know I suffered a lot. I know that even though I didn't want to, I disrespected their beliefs because of my narrow perspectives. But if I didn't happen to learn—if I didn't try my best to understand, will I be able to accept what they told me with such an open-mind?

I realized that I won't be able to and that I'll be someone who'll treat this as heavily as my sufferings. Or maybe heavier. But I was happy that I treated it lighter than that. That even though I suffered years and years of pain and deprivation, I allowed myself to improve to be better than before. That even though I didn't spend it in striving for excellence and excelling in the league that I love, I will always find it in my heart to return to it.

I'm happy that I'm returning to it. My heart will continuously yearn for my passion.