ACT THIRTY-SEVEN

IN REFERENCE TO THE TRUTH

The moment that I arrived at our house is the moment that I decided to think about myself. Kahit hindi ko mapigilan ang sariling mag-alala kay Tres ay patuloy pa ring bumabalik sa 'kin ang pag-aalalang 'yon.

The least that I can do is to find my passion in behalf of his sufferings. It felt as if I want to tribute his forsaken league with my beloved league. The thought of being unable to keep up with my chosen league is unacknowledged by my beliefs.

Napunta ang tingin ko sa garden kung saan natatanaw ang Sevilja Ballet Room.

I imagined myself dancing to the symphony of the classical pieces as I indulged myself with the bliss given by ballet. I will arch my back and gracefully pose my arm above my head; the strict form will be feathered by the softness of my fingers.

With bourrée steps, I will head to the other part of the room as I test my ankle strength. To further feel the burn on my legs, I will stand on the platform of the pointes and, with my other leg, beat my feet as if I was practicing with Giselle's routines.

To test the control of my form, I will do thirty-two fouettés as I allowed Odile's coda to fill my head. As I am not yet satisfied with Odile's explosiveness, I will shift to the Firebird act and jump in the air as I stretched my legs, putting in mind the excellence of grace and explosiveness.

And when I am done, I will arabesque in the middle and bow with a grace that will feather the extreme hold I did on my form.

I smiled sadly to myself as I remembered that I could only imagine. As much as I want to be selfish in returning to the league that I loved, my mother's welfare continued to top my list. Kahit na naninikip ang dibdib ko sa kaiisip no'n ay hindi ko magawang maging makasarili.

I didn't want to defy. I didn't want to let go. But the only thing that kept me from going against my guilt is the thought of my mother's welfare. I didn't want to inflict another batch of her pain because for so long, she's been wallowing in her grief.

For me to be unable to acknowledge her welfare is a thing that I didn't want to do, the reason why I don't have any plans to tell her that I want to return to the league that I once loved. But I still love it... ayoko lang masaktan si Mommy sa kasakiman ko.

"Lavien..."

I stopped walking when I saw my mother in the doorway. Kunot-noo akong lumapit sa kan'ya habang nakabanat ang kan'yang braso. Nang tuluyang maging klaro ang mukha ay nanlaki ang mata ko.

"Ano po 'yon, Mommy?" tanong ko nang makita siyang umiiyak.

My mother's hand tightened around my arm. Nag-angat ng ulo si Mommy bago marahang hinaplos ang mukha ko.

"About Lefrov..." Her voice is shaking. "I have s-something to tell you about your father..."

I smiled at her and carefully put her hand away from my face. Ibinalik muli ni Mommy.

"No, Vien, you need to listen," she eagerly said as she stared at my eyes. "I-I have... I didn't tell you... I wasn't honest."

Umiyak muli si Mommy. Bumigat lalo ang dibdib ko.

"W-when you were young... I can hear you putting the blame on yourself." Suminghap ako sa narinig. Nanubig muli ang mata ko. "I-I kept on hearing how you cried at night. I can hear you saying that you shouldn't have danced—that you shouldn't have pursued ballet. Naririnig ko pa na sinisisi mo ang sarili mo para sa Little Prima Ballerina title-"

"Mommy, stop..." I softly pleaded. Nanlalambot ako sa pwesto.

"You need to hear this. You need to understand," she pleaded as she caressed my face. "A-ang sakit sa pusong marinig 'yon mula sa 'yo, anak. I loved ballet; I will always do. The death of your f-father hid it, pero patuloy pa ring nasa isip ko na hindi ako magbaballet kasi nasasaktan si Lavien."

Umiling ako. "No..."

She nodded. "Yes, Lavien. I-I am worried about you that's why I didn't want to dance anymore. Inaalala kita kasi nasasaktan si little Lavien-"

"Mommy!"

"B-but you thought that I hated ballet because you danced, right? Because of the title?" Patuloy akong umiiling. Pinapalis ni Mommy ang luha ko. "Did you hear me blaming you?"

"No... I didn't-"

"Yes, because there's no one to blame!" She sounded excited. "Ang sakit, anak. You're blaming yourself even there's no one to blame... kaya ka nag-Fashion Design, 'di ba? Para hindi mo masaktan si Mommy? That's why I'm trying my best to pursue you with that course kasi akala ko ikasisiya mo 'yon."

I tried my best to get away but she put me back in. Ipinatong ni Mommy ang ulo ko sa kan'yang balikat, marahang hinahagod ang aking likod.

"I-I'm trying my best to be enthusiastic about it. Hindi na kita pinipilit na mag-ballet kasi alam kong nasasaktan ka. Paulit-ulit mong maaalala ang nangyari sa Daddy mo-"

"I stopped because I'm worried about your welfare, Mommy!" I almost shouted. Hinawakan ko ang dibdib dahil sa pagsikip. "Sinisisi ko po ang sarili ko kasi kung hindi lang ako nag-ballet, hindi po sana mamamatay si Daddy. My father could've been alive-"

"If I told you earlier, you are a Prima Ballerina now, Vien."

Patulyo akong umiling, hindi tinatanggap ang naririnig.

Is my mother telling me that she's worried about my welfare, too? That she masked her love for ballet because she is worried about me? Nagtataguan lang ba kami ni Mommy? Did we waste a lot of years because of misunderstanding? That if we were to tell what we felt, we wouldn't have suffered like this? We could've possibly reached our dreams?

"Elvera was in love with your father before he met me, Vien." Tinakpan ko ang tenga. "S-she was envious about me that's why she hired a hitman and killed your father-"

"No!" I shouted and pushed my mother away. Napatayo ako mula sa pwesto at lumayo kay Mommy. Nanginig ang tuhod ko dahil sa sama ng loob. "No, Mommy, no! Stop telling me lies!"

"But it's the truth, Vien! It's the truth that I didn't have the courage to tell you!"

I crouched as I covered my ears. I kept my head low as I shook my head. "No, Mommy. Hindi ako maniniwala r'yan! My father died because someone was disappointed-"

"And it was Elvera! She was disappointed with your father because he fell in love with me!"

"Mommy, stop! Please!"

"Lavien-"

I pushed her arm away when she tried to touch me. Inangat ko ang ulo at nakita ang umiiyak na mukha ni Mommy.

"You're telling me that I didn't only deprive myself of passion, but I only deprive myself of the truth? You hid the truth... you hid the reality! Ang sakit-sakit no'n, Mommy!" Pinalis ko ang patuloy na umaagos na luha. "Yes, I put the blame on me because I am worried about your welfare, Mommy! Pinaniwala ko ang sarili ko na kasalanan ko 'to kaya hindi na ako nag-ballet. Sobra-sobra po akong nasasaktan dito, hindi niyo po ba alam?"

Nanlaki ang mata ni Mommy. "I-I didn't know..."

"You didn't ask..."

Nanginig ang labi ni Mommy. Umamba siyang lalapit sa 'kin pero umiling ako.

"Please, don't..."

Tumayo ako mula sa pwesto at pumunta sa pinto. Sumunod si Mommy ngunit mabilis ang hakbang ko paalis, dumiretso patungo sa Sevilja.

Hindi ko alam... hindi ko alam kung bakit ang sama ng mundo sa 'kin. Mali yata ang napuntahan kong daan.

Those years... those years! I wasted a lot of years because of one misunderstanding!

Hindi ko mapigilang pagtawanan ang sarili.

Nang pinihit ko ang doorknob at tuluyang binuksan ang pinto ay hindi ko mapigilang mapaiyak. Nang iniapak ko ang paa sa loob at napunta sa gitna, iniikot ang tingin sa paligid, hindi ko mapigilang mapaluhod dala ng bigat ng dibdib.

The memories kept on appearing at the back of my mind.

I could vividly hear my laughter, the notes in the air, and the steps on the floor. I could clearly remember how I spent a lot of my hours in this ballet room as I exhaust myself with ballet's grace and elegance. That at the end of the day, I can only remember the sores and blisters along with the routines I kept on taking.

With one misunderstanding, the league that I once loved caused me to be passion-deprived. It led me to years and years of drought and loss of passion, the reason why I lost track of the things that happened.

That because of my self-imposed blame, I suffered and wasted years and years of passion. That if only we have told each other what we felt, we'll still be in the league that we loved. That even though we mourned about our father's death, it will pass, and we'll return to ballet like what we did before.

We lived in a belief of dishonesty because we were afraid that it will oppose the other. Because of one misunderstanding—one self-imposed blame—it pushed us away from our beloved league. That thought—that belief—is the reason why there were a lot of misunderstandings.

That if only we were open, we could've avoided this.

If only we were brave. If only we weren't overwhelmed with the essence of cowardness, we could've been someone who is stronger—a better version of ourselves.

Yet we choose to be overwhelmed because our will wasn't strong enough. With that form, it rendered us unable to connect with ourselves.

I kept on believing that I was strong—that if I kept on respecting their beliefs, I will be respected, too. But I realized that with the lack of understanding, we weren't able to be respected as well.

I kept on believing that I was secured—and I was. Was. I thought it brought me any good but it didn't because it only harmed me.

If only we were better. If only we were stronger and true to ourselves, we could've avoided this. We could've attended to a much better belief—a belief that will make us resilient and open-minded.

I touched my heart and realized... I can only learn from my mistakes.

❦

I found myself standing in front of the ballet studio that I love. The nostalgia the league is giving forced me to weaken my form, the reason why I found myself crying. The longer that I stared at the familiar door that I'm used to seeing tugged the memories that I pleaded to disappear.

With the birth of passion—as it chose what league that I should pursue—I couldn't help pleading to allow the bliss to environ my system. For so long, I stopped myself from disobedience because I believed that my selfishness will continue on hurting my mother. But the truth that she told me allowed me to rethink my league.

I want to dance to ballet once again. I want to feel the bliss once again.

I don't want anything to hinder my passion—not even myself, not even my overwhelming desires of selfishness and satisfaction. I want to be selfish once again to feel what it feels like to pursue the league that I love.

It's all right if I am unable to feel the satisfaction that I felt before, as long as I am able to continue my love for this league, I am eager to sacrifice the pain that I'll encounter.

Matutuwa ako ro'n. Sapat na sa 'kin 'yon. Makukuntento na 'ko ro'n...

I took a step forward and pushed the door open.

As soon as my gaze dropped in the hallway, I can see the little Lavien Rosette with her clean, updo hair jumping around wearing her pink tutu.

I can see the happiness in her younger days as she anticipated the learnings that ballet is able to give. I can see how she was happy with what she's been doing. I can see how she's dedicated to the league that she chose.

I can clearly see it... until I can feel it in myself. The urge to dance. The urge to pursue my league. The urge to return to the league that I left.

I want to ballet. I will dance ballet. I am going to dance.

With an eager heart and a mind filled with dedication, I allowed myself to head towards the ballet room. As I walked towards the door, an overwhelming urge of dancing kept on flowing around my system. The way how it made me feel good allowed me to do better—to strive for better, to feel the excellence that I pursued before.

I want this. I want this league. I want this journey and my memories won't refrain me from reliving the flames of passion. My memories will allow me to appreciate my passion and my overwhelming desire for performing.

I'm going to return. No one can stop me from doing it.

With a smile on my face, I pushed the door open. Tchaikovsky's piece filled my ears as its symphony lulled my passion to allow me to dance.

The notes in the air. The streaks of the spotlight. I can hear them calling me. I can feel their voices reaching me. I can feel myself responding to it.

I can see myself being detached from the shackles that held me away from ballet. I can see the light as I reach it, and when my fingers finally touched the line of the symphony, its essence wrapped my body.

It allowed me to dance. It allowed me to be satisfied. It allowed me to be contented. It allowed me to be happy. It allowed me to become who I am.

I can feel the essence of ballet environing my form. It made me feel good. It made me feel satisfied. I couldn't explain what I felt because I can only be overwhelmed with its complexity, the reason why I broke into tears, once again.

But I wasn't crying because of sadness. I wasn't crying because of regret. I wasn't crying because of guilt. I am crying because of happiness because, after all of the years that I deprived myself of ballet, I can feel myself returning to it.

"Hija! Okay ka lang ba? Bakit ka umiiyak?"

I shook my head as I wiped away my happiness.

I can feel how the symphony talked to my form. The way how its notes filled my ears allowed me to speak with my body.

"Teacher..." I called out; my voice slightly hoarse. "I-I want to talk to you."

When the notes filled the air, once again, I couldn't help being happy as we left the room. Malakas ang tibok ng puso ko nang umupo sa isang gilid.

"K-Kamusta po ang mga ballerina?" I asked as I wiped away my tears.

Naiiyak na rin si Teacher Carlos. "Okay lang naman sila, hija... Magkaroroon nga ng workshop sa isang linggo, lilipad kami sa California."

I nodded as I held back a new batch of tears. Nanginginig ang kamay ko habang inaabot ang kamay ni Teacher.

"A-alam ko po na 'yung nangyari pa rin kay Daddy ang nasa utak ko kung bakit hindi na ako nag-baballet. My mother didn't even blame me for that but I put the blame to myself because I was guilty... Palagi pong sinasabi ni Mommy na wala 'yung title na 'yan kasi title lang 'yan. I was overwhelmed with my desires about this league that's why I pursued the title. I didn't know it will cause the death of my father."

Sa paghugot muli ng hininga ay nakaramdam ako ng paggaan ng dibdib. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako bahagyang napangiti.

Is it because I am at the last step in moving on from the past? Is that the reason? Does this mean that I will wholeheartedly pursue ballet without any guilts and regrets about the past?

I hope so...

"I didn't pursue ballet anymore because I thought that I'll hurt my mother. But she told me that she's worried about my welfare, too, the reason why it caused a misunderstanding." Suminghap ako. "A-and then I realized... ballet has always been a part of my life. No matter how I kept on depriving myself from the league my passion chose, I will always return to it... hindi ko po alam kung tama po ba ang gagawin ko, pero gusto ko ulit mag-ballet-"

"Hindi ka ba napipilitan, hija?" His gentle smile greeted my sight. "Gustong-gusto mo ba talaga?"

Sunod-sunod akong tumango.

"Sa tingin mo ba masisiyahan ka sa gagawin mo?"

"O-opo. I love ballet. I-I want to go back to it."

"Pero ano ang pumipigil sa 'yo, hija? Ang Mommy mo pa ba?"

I bit my lip and tried my best to understand what held me back. Is it because I can't do well anymore? Is it because I am unable to follow the routines anymore? Is it because I am not as flexible as before?

I realized that the hindrance that held me back years ago is different from what's holding me back right now. I know I want to return, but I want to hear something that greatly enhances my need for ballet. I have found my purpose but I lack the understanding of it.

I want to hear that I am fit for ballet. I want to feel that ballet is forever in my heart, that it will always welcome me in its humble abode.

That no matter how many disobediences that I do, I will always, always be with that league, and that it's fitting for me. That even though I abandoned it because of my self-imposed guilt, I can always return to that league. That even though I kept on depriving myself of all things but that, I can always return to that league.

He was my instructor, always and forever be. It will mean a lot if the person that gave me wisdom about ballet will be able to tell me and make me feel that I am fit for this league. Always and forever be.

"Am I... am I still fit for that league, Teacher?" I asked, hopeful. Malakas ang tibok ng puso ko habang inaalon ng kaba.

Paano kung... hindi na?

With my teary eyes, I continued to stare and to silently plead that maybe... just maybe... I'll be accepted to this league.

"Kung nasa puso mo ang pag-baballet, hija," he said as he pointed at my chest. "Manalig ka at kakayanin mo..."

My shaking lips immediately turned into a smile. Mabilis kong niyakap si Teacher at umiyak sa kan'yang balikat.

Naramdaman ko ang paunti-unting paggaan ng nararamdaman. Nararamdaman ko ang pagbabalik ng kasiyahan sa aking katawan. Nararamdaman ko ang lahat-lahat at hindi ko mapigilan ang sariling matuwa roon.

As I sauntered away from the shackles that held me dearly, along with the birth of my passion, I realized that ballet will always and will forever be my league.

That no matter how many hindrances that forced me to detach away from it, I will always find my way back. That no matter how heavy I abandoned it, how I treated it as disobedience when I followed it, I will always find my way back.

On this day, I understood that passion isn't the only thing that helps an artist in moving forward. Dedication and determination will always accompany our passion. That even though we found ourselves moving away or taking a break from the league that we love, once we return, we'll be better than the previous.