ACT THIRTY-THREE

THE REBELS

The moment that I saw my mother at home, smiling, is the moment that I remembered Tres' Lagdameo's crying figure. Hindi pa rin maalis sa isipan ko kung paano umiyak sa 'kin si Tres, at ilang beses na 'yon nangyayari.

He's been acting openly around me and I fear—I fear—that there is something deeper than that. Natatakot din akong malaman 'yon ngunit hindi ko alam kung mas gugustuhin kong hindi.

"Hi, Vien! Look, I wore the dress that you made me!" my mother beamed as she twirled around. Nakangiti ako habang gumagalaw siya sa light blue dress na suot niya.

I held my mother's hand and dragged her towards the garden. Nakangiti si Mommy habang sumusunod sa 'kin.

"'My, I want to ask you about something..." I said as we settled at the garden's bench. Hindi ko mapigilan ang sariling makaramdam ng hapdi nang maalala kung paano ako sumasayaw sa garden. "It's about your friend-"

"Oh, Renalie?!" She jolted up from her seat. "Wait, wait! Kukuhanin ko ang picture niya mula sa wallet ng Daddy mo."

I smiled at her as she disappeared from my sight. Hindi ko mapigilang malungkot dahil sa nangyayari.

The thing that could make my mother alive is the reappearance of her long-lost friend. To think that it was the rebel woman doesn't sound good. Naaalala ko si Tres dahil doon.

Nang makabalik si Mommy ay ipinakita niya ang picture nila ni Renalie Narvaez. "We're high school friends. Nang mag-College, nagkalayo kami ni Renalie because she joined an organization, and I'm happy that she's the founder, now! Once a member, now a leader! Ang sarap pakinggan, 'di ba?" 

I could only nod at her enthusiasm. Nalulungkot pa rin ako.

"After then, she joined the Assembly, we lost contact. Naging abala rin kasi ako sa pagbaballet. And then I met your father and married him. One time, nakausap ko siya noon and she was pregnant! I have no news about her child after that because she disappeared like a bubble. Nagpatulong ako kay Lefrov sa paghahanap kay Renalie. Then after all of those hide-and-seeks with her, she's the one who revealed herself!" Napapalakpak si Mommy. "I'm happy that she's good and still following what she wants! Nako, Vien, if only you were to meet my friend."

"Are you good friends?"

"We are! Mag-best friend kami. Minsan nga, gusto kong umattend ng events ng Assembly because I want to see if she's fine and well. Gusto kong makipagkamustahan katulad noon. Miss na miss ko na siya!"

My mother continued about her friendship talks with her best friend, Renalie Narvaez. She's beaming a bright smile; I couldn't help being envious about it. Renalie was the reason behind it.

Buong araw na 'yon ay kwento nang kwento pa ulit si Mommy. Nang mapadaan ako sa salas at makita ang pamilyar na hugis ng ticket sa lamesa, kinabahan ako.

It is a ticket to Elvera Fajardo's Swan Lake act. I don't know why she has it.

Nang makarinig ng yapak ay ibinaba ko ang ticket. Napansin agad 'yon ni Mommy, rason kung bakit lumapit siya at nakangiting iniabot sa 'kin 'yon.

"She said sorry, Lavien," my mother said in a sing-song tone. "And she's giving away tickets as a remembrance!"

Napaawang ang bibig ko. "Remembrance? Mommy, why-"

"She's quitting ballet," ngumuso siya habang hinahaplos ang tickets. Her smile immediately turned into a frown. "When she got into an accident a few months ago, she needed to have metal installed in her legs. Elvera said that she tried to dance with it but it's been hard. Gusto raw niya mag-quit kasi hindi niya kaya, but the tickets are already made. I don't know how she'll fix it."

My mother let out a sigh. Nanatili pa rin ang titig ko sa hawak-hawak na ticket ni Mommy.

To think that Elvera Fajardo, the woman who imitated my mother's Swan Lake costume, would say her sorry personally is a thing that I didn't expect to happen. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman.

My mother's been happy. I want to keep seeing her happiness even though it's an exchange of mine. Kung mapagdesisyonan kong ikwento kay Mommy ang tungkol kay Renalie Narvaez.

I want to ask her if she was happy but of course, she'll nod and say yes. Hindi ko rin alam kung okay na ba si Mommy sa pagbaballet o kung dala lang 'yon ng pagdating ni Elvera. Natandaan ko pa kung paano umakto si Mommy noon. Sa paraan ng pagngiti ni Mommy ngayon, hindi ko na alam.

To think that anyone could be happy without their passion is an act that I didn't want to see. But it's my mother, she's feeling that way. Nalulungkot ako dahil kaya niyang abandonahin na ang ballet.

I badly want to be like her.

❦

The Assembly happened to host another painting exhibit, the reason why I got dragged here by the rebel painter, Tres Lagdameo. Though he told me that he has detached himself as RAN and planned to tread the painter's path as himself, I was curious why he visited the exhibit.

To check the imposter, perhaps?

"I like this, Vien," he said as he held my hand. I wasn't sure what he's referring to. Kuntento siyang nakatingin sa mga paintings kahit na gawa ni RAN ang naka-display.

I could only stare at our hands as he stared at some of RAN's paintings.

He has been acting weird and carefree for the past days and as much as I didn't like admitting it, it feels quite nice.

For so long, we've been against each other, encountering debates about our beliefs and constantly talking about passion. But when I've decided the disappearance of the line and he decided to be true to himself, there seemed to be another belief that happened.

He told me that some of the paintings were created a few years ago and that the most recent ones started from "The Affair" up until the "'Mighty' President". Though he told me that he painted all things but the last two, I couldn't help thinking that there's something going on.

Hindi ko pa rin natatanong kay Tres ang tungkol sa ginawa ni RAN noong panahon ng dating Presidente, rason kung bakit wala akong dagdag ideya tungkol doon.

Atlas is still hiding at the de Angelis Mansion. Tres said that he needs a few more days before he could finally leave. It seemed to me that the issue between his parents has started to settle.

Iginala ko ang tingin sa paligid, inaalala ang unang pagdalo ko sa exhibit.

The first public event of the Assembly that I decided to attend is the same event where the Idiot Mural appeared. Naaalala ko pa na inamin ni Atlas na siya si RAN kasabay ng paggulo ng exhibit, rason kung bakit kami napaalis do'n.

That time, when I saw Renalie Narvaez from afar, I couldn't help feeling uneasy.

The first time that I heard her speaking about the Assembly and on how she held herself, I knew that I looked up to her. But after knowing that he was my mother's friend—the reason why Renalie told me that I looked familiar—and that she was Tres' mother, I couldn't find any other reason to look up to her.

Kahit anong pagbabago ang gawin ko, mananatili pa rin ang pagrespeto ko sa kung ano ang gusto nilang ipakita. I'll respect them if they didn't want to show or tell what their reason was.

"Are you okay, Vien?" Tres' gentle voice started to sound familiar in my ears. Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa mga nagdaang araw sa College, gano'n ang pakikitungo niya sa 'kin.

Is he searching for himself, too? Or is this his way to make me his muse? I think it must be that.

I nodded at him when I felt comfort in his eyes. Though the dominance in it started to soften, I couldn't deny the fact that he still has the holy aura surrounding him. He still looked theatrical and marvelous because even though he lost a part of his passion, he managed to look like a Royal.

It has always been like that—Tres Lagdameo and his regality.

No matter what this man can do—whatever he can possibly lose—he is still the passion himself. That even though he believed he lost his passion, there is still a small amount of it lying inside his heart.

I know that he's not only about passion. He's an idealist, too, as what he has said. He thought of things a lot. He has a strong control of his beliefs, the reason why he got lost in it—the reason why he was blinded by the painting and the canvas.

"Tres," I called out; he looked at me. "I realized that you want to voice out your thoughts... but in a different way. Do you think that you successfully did it by hiding behind a canvas? Do you think that your painting having the subject of direct opposition to the government can say what you want to tell?"

His eyes stilled at me. He gave me a gentle smile and shook his head. "That's why I wasn't satisfied, Vien."

Tumingala siya bago magpakawala ng buntong-hininga. "Baka iyon nga ang rason kung bakit hindi ako satisfied—it's because I'm not painting the subject that I'm dedicated at. It's... confusing to engage in it without any interest. Parang nakikipaglokohan lang ako."

"And you realized it later," I continued, my head hung low. "Then about revolutions... do you still look at it that way? Are you satisfied when you joined the revolutions?"

Sumakit ang dibdib ko nang umiling siya, ang aristokratikong estilo ng buhok ay bahagyang lumuwag.

"In the past years, there was no attention given to the artistic career. With that, I sought for an idealistic path, it opened RAN's birth. I was interested in making a piece of art an instrument to cause a revolution."

The longer that I stare at his eyes, the brighter his determination shone.

"I'm part of a revolution not because I don't like what's going on, but because there is something that can be improved. If we continue to hide and talk with little mouths, how can we get the uproar that we've been wanting? That's why we gather people of the same ideas to make the little mouths bigger. That's the point of revolution—to improve what could be improved."

"But are the rallies and rebellions the only way, Tres?" I asked as I allowed myself to be influenced by his thinking.

"Not all revolutions are forms of rebellions, some saw that there is another way to be heard—and that is to cause an uproar."

"Like art..."

He gave me a satisfied smile. "Yes, ma ballerine. Like art. Everything is a piece of art."

His smile looked... carefree. Nagkaroon din ng kaonting liwanag ang mata niya ngunit biglang nawala.

He squeezed my hand as we walked around the exhibit. I lightly tugged his hand. Napalingon siya sa 'kin, nag-aalala ang mata.

"Masakit ba paa mo?" he immediately asked, worry crossed his face.

I immediately shook my head. "Is something bothering you?"

He licked his lower lips, sighed, and looked away. Panandalian niyang ipinikit ang mata bago ibinalik muli ang tingin sa 'kin.

"Look, there's something that I haven't told you about."

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa kamay niya, determinadong malaman. If there's a thing that's bothering Tres, I didn't know why I felt the urge to know it. I just had it. It seemed to me that I cared.

He looked around, a little anxious, before he dragged me in front of a painting. It's another painting of the seated President but a redraw of Mona Lisa. Naningkit ang mata ko ng makita ang pirma ni RAN doon, ang petsa ay dalawang araw ang nakalilipas.

I felt a wave of disbelief in my system. Hindi ko mapigilan ang sariling makaramdam ng pagkapahiya at ng kung ano pang bagay na masasabing pinaglalaruan lang ako ni Tres.

I tried to labor my breaths by calming my breathing, but as much as I want to, the hypocrisy in front of me is beating me into it.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga, pilit na kinokontrol ang galit. "I thought you stopped, Tres? I thought you stopped being RAN?"

Mariin kong ipinikit ang mata, kinakalma ang sarili. Surely, he must have his reasons...

He let out a sigh. "I told you before, I couldn't destroy an art so I could destroy the government. And you didn't get what I've been indirectly confessing to you before, Lavien?"

Nang idinilat ko ang mata ay sumalubong ang seryoso niyang titig. Ibinalik ko muli ang tingin sa painting na nasa harapan bago hilahin si Tres mula roon.

I saw how his jaw clenched when I looked back. I stopped dragging him when I was satisfied with the less populated spot.

Nang inalis ko ang kamay mula sa hawak niya ay bahagya siyang sumimangot. Humugot ako ng hininga bago humalukipkip, pilit na hindi nagpaaapekto roon.

"Indirectly confessing..." Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako bahagyang namumula! "W-what is it?"

He firmly closed his eyes and stepped forward. Marahan niyang ipinatong ang kamay sa likod ko habang seryosong nakatitig sa 'kin, ang labi ay nakapinid sa isang linya.

"I can't do a parody of classical paintings, Lavien. Those are defaming pieces. I respect the artists so I won't do that. With that hint, I think you should've known," he said, his hot breath fanned my face.

I stared at his eyes to find any answers... but there were none.

I put my hand on his chest when he went a little closer. Marahas akong napalunok bago pagak na humalakhak. Inaalon pa rin ng kaba ang puso ko.

"N-No, you're just playing with me, Tres. You're RAN, there are strong pieces of evidence about it. Then you're going to deny it? Do you want to play with me?"

He firmly closed his eyes at the same time his jaw clenched. Nang idinilat ay pansin ko kung paano siya nahihirapan sa sunod na sasabihin.

If he's going to tell me that he's not RAN, I won't believe him. He's been showing me a lot of evidence that he is the rebel painter! Mas matibay ang nakikita ko sa mga ginagawa ni Tres kung ikukumpara kay Atlas. Bakit ba nila akong nililinlang?!

He licked his lower lips again. It made it redder. "Let me tell it to you properly." Humugot siya ng hininga. "Yes, I am RAN. I painted under RAN, but I am not the real RAN."

Umawang ang bibig ko. Napangiti ako, natatawa. "Stop playing with me, Tres. I don't like it anymore."

"I painted in a style that wasn't mine because I was tutored that's why I knew how to paint like RAN."

I stepped away but he pushed me back. "You're just joking-"

"RAN's my tutor."

I let out a sigh and gave him a smile, a sign that I wasn't convinced. Umiling ako at bahagyang itinulak muli ang sarili paalis sa kan'ya.

"Tres, this is not the time to joke around-"

"Hijo! Kamusta ka na?" Napakunot ang noo ko bago napabaling sa pinanggagalingan ng boses.

Bahagyang lumuwag ang pagkapit ni Tres, rason kung bakit ako napalayo mula sa kan'ya. Unti-unti nang nakalapit ang taong tumawag sa kan'ya habang nakasunod si Renalie Narvaez sa likod.

The moment that I saw Tres' mother is the moment that I loathed her. It felt like she doesn't deserve the respect that I've been giving.

"Ang laki mo na! Dati, tinuturuan lang kita magpinta."

Napasinghap ako at napatingin kay Tres na ngayo'y galit na galit sa lalakeng nakikipagkamay sa kan'ya. Sa paraan ng pagtitig ay may bagay na hindi niya mailabas. Tuwang-tuwang ang lalake habang nakikipag-usap habang si Tres ay hindi umimik.

Kahit anong pigil ko sa sarili na huwag umaktong gulat ay hindi ko magawa.

"Aha! You adore this painting, huh?" mapanuya niyang sabi habang tinitingnan ang The Affair. "Kahit building lang 'yan, the style is quite similar to the art style that I taught you ever since you're young! Napakahusay mo, Tres. Baka naman... ikaw si RAN?"

Tres was angered by what he heard.

The man glanced at me. Hindi ko mapigilang mapansin ang kaonting pagkahahawig kay Tres sa kan'ya. Nang sinilip ko si Tres ay madilim ang tingin sa nakikipag-usap sa 'kin.

"And this is your girlfriend, Tres? Napakaganda naman!" He lent his hand and gave me a smile. Nakaramdam ako ng kaba. "I am Emmett Ricaforte, hija. Parte rin ako ng Asembliya. Nagugustuhan mo ba ang paintings na gawa ni Tres—ay ni RAN?"

I didn't know what to say—I felt restricted. Idagdag pa ang paraan ng pagtingin ni Renalie Narvaez na parang nananantiya ng galaw!

"What's your name, hija?" dagdag pa niya.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Gustohin ko 'mang umaktong kalmado pero hindi ko magawa—kinakabahan ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari kung hindi ko sasagutin ang tanong nila.

I know I have opened my mind about the rebellions and all but I couldn't find it in my heart to be included in the Assembly! Sure, I have opened my mind and made my perspective a little bit wider than before, but I'm not yet used to this!

Emmett Ricaforte's eyes remained hopeful as he waited for my answer. I felt how the pressure oozed from his eyes within the moments that I haven't answered. Waves of nervousness assaulted my system as I tried to know what I should do.

"I... I... I'm-" Nanginginig ang labi ko.

"Let's go."

Naramdaman ko ang paghapit ni Tres sa bewang ko, hinahatak paalis mula sa pwesto. Inaatake ako ng kaba habang naglalakad papalayo, nararamdaman pa rin ang presensiya ng nakausap kanina.

"Alam ko ang ginagawa mo, Tres," Emmett said; Tres stopped walking. "Proud na proud si Papa r'yan."

I didn't have the will to glance back at them, but Tres did. Nang magsimula siyang maglakad muli ay naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng hawak sa bewang ko. Kahit na nakalayo mula sa kanila ay malakas pa rin ang tibok ng puso ko.

When I saw a chair, I immediately headed to sit on it to sustain my balance. Parang nanginginig ang tuhod ko nang makaupo roon, rason kung bakit nanghihina ang pakiramdam ko. Sapo-sapo ko ang dibdib habang malakas ang tibok ng puso.

Panandaliang umalis si Tres, nang makabalik ay may dalang bote ng tubig. Binuksan niya iyon at inilapit sa 'kin. Tahimik siyang tumabi habang iniinom ko ang tubig.

I firmly closed my eyes and let out a sigh. I didn't know why I am so affected by it! Is it because of the anger? Or is it because of the mixed feelings that I'm having?

"He looks..." Panandalian kong hinabol ang hininga. "Emmett looks like you."

"He's my father."

Parang naubusan ako ng hangin sa narinig. Napaawang ang bibig ko bago nanghihinang iniabot ang tubig kay Tres. Tiningnan niya bago abutin at uminom mula roon. Hindi ako makapaniwalang nakatingin sa kan'ya habang abalang isinasara ang inumin.

I mean, yes, he can drink from it because he was the one who bought it but...

Marahas kong ipiniling ang ulo. I shouldn't think about it!

"F-First..." I let out another sigh. It was the final one to calm my breathing. "...you told me that you're RAN but you're not RAN. Second, you got tutored by RAN, the reason why you adapted his painting style. Third..."

Parang kinapos ako ng hininga. "RAN is your father."

"RAN is my father," saad niya, parang balewala lang ang impormasyon. "So, what if they're my parents? They didn't act like one. Mas inuna nila ang rebelyon."

He clenched his jaw and looked away. Tahimik niyang pinanonood ang exhibit na bahagyang malayo mula sa kinauupuan.

He's still bothered by it.

"If you want to be unbothered by it anymore..." He glanced at me. "T-then you can tell me."

He blinked a few times and looked away.

Maya't maya ang pag-igting ng panga, pagbuka ng labi, at paglunok bago namahinga ang porma at sumandal sa sandalan. Hindi ako mapakali sa pwesto, rason kung bakit nakaharap ako kay Tres.

"I don't know how to explain this..." he murmured and let out a sigh. "My biological parents were together before she got married to Vernon. Sabi ni Papa, nakita raw niya si Renalie na nagpipinta sa studio nila ni Emmett. He thought that she was RAN so he blackmailed her. He told her that if she will marry her, he'll protect her. My mother agreed."

There was a distant look in Tres' face while he was talking. With the way how he said it, I was sure that he found it hard to believe that the rebel painter and the rebel woman are his parents.

"A few months into their marriage and Papa is still the only one who loved Renalie. Pinapayagan niya ang asawa niya na makipagkita kay Emmett dahil mahal na mahal niya si Renalie. Their constant meet-ups produced a child, it was me."

Humugot siya ng malalim na hininga. "Noong oras na 'yon, alam na ni Papa kung sino si RAN. He also knew that my mother is fond of revolutions that's why he let her be. At nang ipinanganak ako, pagkatapos ng ilang buwan, iniwan ako kay Papa. Patuloy pa rin sa paghahanap ng rebolusyon silang dalawa habang inaalagaan ako ni Papa... hanggang sa mag-annul sila ng kasal, leaving her with RAN."

"The first time that I saw my mother's face is the moment that I saw our family picture. Bitbit ako ni Renalie habang nakayakap si Papa sa kan'ya. When I asked my father what was my mother like, he told me that she is fond of art and revolutions. Sabi ko kay Papa, magpapaturo ako kung paano magpinta para naman balikan ako ng nanay ko—para magustuhan niya ulit ako." His voice cracked at the end.

Mabilis na tumulo ang isang luha mula sa kan'yang mata. "P-pero gusto ko lang din ng atensyon ni Papa."

Ipinatong ko ang kamay sa likod niya, rason kung bait bahagyang namahinga ang kan'yang postura.

"He gave me a painter as a tutor. Nagpapaturo ako nang nagpapaturo sa kan'ya noon. Hindi ko naman alam na siya pala ang tunay kong ama. Siya rin humatak sa 'kin para lalong mahilig sa mga rebolusyon. Pumayag ako kasi, s'yempre, miss na miss ko si Mama. Gusto rin niya ng rebolusyon kaya paglaki ko inisip ko, kung tatargetin ko ang politiko tapos gagawa ng rebolusyon, mapapansin kaya ako ni Mama't Papa? Ang desperado ko pala noon..."

Tres' mouth started to quiver. Umiling siya habang pinapalis ang luha.

Tinulak ko ang sarili para lumapit at yumakap. Ang braso niya ay napunta sa likod ko pagkatapos no'n.

"So, I painted... I started to love revolutions. Baka kapag naging katulad ako ni RAN o magpanggap bilang siya, magustuhan ako ni Mama. Sabi kasi ng pintor na nagturo sa 'kin, siya rin daw ang natuturo kay RAN. Tapos nang lumabas paintings ni RAN, ita-try ko na gayahin siya paglaki ko. Hinahasa ko nang hinasa sarili ko para magaya ang style ni RAN. Sabi ko, baka pansinin na ako ni Papa at bumalik na si Mama... pero wala pa rin, e. Hindi talaga bumabalik."

Nakaramdam ako ng hapdi sa puso habang umiiyak si Tres sa balikat ko. Bahagyang nanginginig ang kan'yang balikat kasabay ng pagtaas-baba ng dibdib dala ng pag-iyak.

"Alam mo 'yung... nagpinta ka sa estilong hindi iyo. Gaya-gaya. Manggagaya. That's why I wasn't satisfied with my art, Vien. Kahit anong pilit ko na maghanap ng estilo ko, hindi ko magawa-gawa kasi binabalot ako ni RAN. It's so frustrating that I'm hiding behind a canvas in a name that wasn't mine. Napaka-desperado ko talaga."

Humigpit ang kapit niya sa balikat ko.

"Tapos, alam mo 'yung pinaglalaruan ka. Tanong ko kay Papa noong isang araw, sabi ko, "Pa, bakit hindi mo 'man lang ako magawang pansinin? I-appreciate? Gano'n ba 'ko kawalang kwenta sa mata mo?". Do you know what was his answer? The man who I treated as my father didn't want to be attached to his son because he's afraid that my biological parents would come and get me! Alam niyang wala siyang magagawa..."

Ngumangawa na siya.

"A-Alam mo 'yung doon ko nalaman ang lahat? Kung sino tatay ko, kung sino nanay ko, kung paano nila ako tinrato. Tapos sabi ko, "Pa, sa mga 'yan, naniniwala kang babalik ako sa kanila? No! I'll stay because you are much better than them. Kahit na kulang ako sa atensyon, hindi mo 'ko inabandona.". Bakit naman ako babalik do'n? Paano nila ako tatratuhin? I don't care about the custody. Let my father use his political powers all he wants! Hinding-hindi ako magpakukuha sa kanila."

I firmly closed my eyes when his ache radiated through my body. I felt how he let go of the suffering he's been having. To think that I was there to feel it is more than enough.

This is a connection that I didn't think I'd need, and it's scary that it could immediately go away.

Patuloy pa rin si Tres sa pag-iyak sa balikat ko. Sa mga oras na 'yon ay mahigpit ang pagkayayakap sa 'kin habang nakasuksok ang mukha sa aking leeg. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang kan'yang mainit na paghinga.

Sa pagdagdag ng desisyon upang magpakalma, hinaplos ko muli ang buhok ni Tres.

The painter is crying. I didn't know why he's giving me the power to see him acting like this.

"At dahil do'n... ayoko na magpinta."

But that day, his last words irked me.

But as much as I want to know, there are things that are needed to be found out by ourselves, because if there were someone to do the task, in the long run, it would render it useless.

The same way how Tres Lagdamaeo found his passion through someone else's work is the same way how I found my passion through my mother's act. I know there's nothing wrong to be inspired, but to be broken by it is another thing.

It has been the bliss of the moment, and for Tres Lagdamaeo, the bliss is now over.