ACT THIRTY

A PAINTER'S JUSTIFICATION

As soon as we returned from the museum, I got a verbal invitation from Julianna regarding her recital. When she arrived at the Suite with a smile on her face, I can only be confused. The way how her smile looked genuine is a thing that I didn't expect. I used to think about her hostility towards me, the reason why I was confused.

"I want to invite you to my recital. Hindi mo naman tatanggihan, 'di ba? Alam ko kung gaano mo ka-love ang ballet kaya bibigyan kita ng chance to look at it again."

I sat in front of her, my hand paused at my sketchbook, confused with her intentions. "Is this because I helped you the other night?"

She shook her head; the ballet shoes that hanged from her neck slightly moved. She looked around before she let out a sigh. Her eyes stilled at me before she frowned.

"Alam mo bang noong sumilip ka sa 'min noon, feeling ko jina-judge mo 'yung way ng pagsasaway namin? Doon ako lalong nagalit sa 'yo."

Napaawang ang bibig ko sa narinig.

I only peeked to see the gracefulness of ballet before my eyes. Experiencing it is another chance that I didn't think I'll be having, the reason why I was satisfied with peeking. However, I didn't expect anyone to be offended in my ways of satisfying my yearning for ballet.

In the span of my hostility towards my happiness, I forgot to consider their feelings. It was the truth that hurt me.

"But it's all in the past now, Lavien. I'm okay with you," she said with a smile, but it disappeared immediately.

For so long, I have given myself permission to watch ballet coming from another person's invitation—the contest was the first. Though it was my own will to help the studio, they agreed with me, the reason why I was allowed to help my league.

Another thing was Tres' invitation regarding Zakharova's act. I thought it would be the last considering the lack of opportunities, but for a ballerina to invite me with their recital, I couldn't help being happy.

"Pero, I have one condition." Humugot siya ng hininga. She looked conflicted for a moment before she told me what it was. "Y-you help me."

"Help you? With what?"

Nag-iwas siya ng tingin, parang labag sa loob ang sinasabi. "Like sharpen my form... magaling ka ro'n noon, 'di ba?"

The small smile that I had immediately faded. Napunta ko ang tingin sa ginuguhit. Hindi ko maiwasang malungkot.

"K-kung hindi! I'll retract the recital invitation."

I let out a sigh and nodded. "All right..."

I heard her gasp. "What?!"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at nagpakawala ng maliit na ngiti. "All right, I'll help you."

The way how her eyes sparkled reminded me of my younger days as a ballerina. I couldn't help being affected by it. It felt as if I helped her a lot.

Feigning a smile across her lips, she turned her back and immediately walked away. I can only stare at her retreating figure.

I didn't feel any guilt or regret.

For me to deprive her of what she's been wanting sounded unjust. I didn't see anything unjust in helping, anyway. Who am I to deprive them of the techniques that they could possibly learn from me?

I know the feeling of yearning—yearning to be the best, yearning to be excellent, and yearning to be precise. I know how heavy it felt—on how deteriorating it felt, and as much as possible, I don't want anyone to feel it again.

That was the reason why I agreed to her request. I believed it was the best thing to do.

Ever since I have narrowed the gap between the righteous and unrighteous, I have learned how to discipline myself. I have learned not to be always righteous. I have learned to, somehow, like some of the guilty pleasures. Those were the things that made me realize that I've been kinder to myself.

With discipline comes with responsibility, the reason why I thought of my actions.

Mahirap magdisiplina sa sarili, pero kung magpadadaig ako sa takot, paano ako magiging mas maayos na bersyon?

Alam ko na pinagbabawalan ko ang sarili sa Pavlova, pero sino ako para tanggihan ang paghingi ng tulong sa isang tao? After all, it's the closest thing that I can get to the league that I loved.

I was helping a fellow ballerina who sees ballet as her career. I know that's what I'll be doing if I continued pursuing ballet.

I know to myself that no matter how hard I try to deprive myself of my former league, I'd always find myself coming back to it.

It's a routine that I'll take.

❦

"No, you should let it loose more," I gestured and raised Julianna's arm. "We've been practicing this. Your body should be remembering it by now. Let's do it again, Juli."

My instructions were polite. It sounded decent enough as if I was a ballet instructor. Ginagaya ko lang kung paano magturo sina Tita Alessandra at Teacher Carlos noon.

I went to my cellphone and played the piece of Igor Stravinsky's Firebird.

I remembered that my mother performed it before she was a Prima Ballerina. She performed it again a few months after she gained her title. Following her custom-made Swan Lake costume, the Firebird costume is custom-made, too, the reason why I asked for a smaller version of the costume.

It has been my mother's signature ever since. Whenever she lands the main role, she'll have someone to custom-made her costumes.

Julianna leaped through the air and tried her best to be as explosive as the Firebird act. I could see her dancing around wearing the striking red Firebird costume; however, her movements weren't explosive and loose the way how I wanted it to be.

I based the looseness I'm looking for in Ekaterina Kondaurova's Firebird act. The way how she flapped her wings made it feel as if she's losing her elegance in every move of her Firebird variation. It was strict, explosive, and loose yet I can only see the strictness in Julianna's form.

Hindi ako natutuwa sa ipinakikita niya. Nakukulangan ako.

"Ano, Lavien? What's missing?" she asked after she finished two minutes of the act. Pagod siyang nagpunta sa isang gilid at uminom mula sa tubigan.

"It's a pas de deux, right?" She nodded as she labored her breaths. "How's your partner? How does he support you?"

"There are times when we are not in sync-"

"How often?"

Nagbaba siya ng tingin. "Most of the time..." Nanliit ang boses niya sa dulo.

"Do you know why? Alam mo ba kung sino ang nauuna sa inyong dalawa?"

She let out a sigh and closed her water bottle. Pagod siyang tumayo at pinalis ang pawis. "He moves too fast! Ilang beses ko nang sinusubukan makipag-sync sa movements niya pero hindi ko kaya. His attack is way more different than mine."

Nakita ko ang irita sa kan'yang mukha. "I don't even want him to be my partner!"

Sighing, I nodded. "I think I know what's your problem, Juli."

Napatingin siya sa 'kin. "What? Me?"

I pursed my lips. It's better for her to know the truth, but I was happy that she was the one who realized it.

"When you become a professional ballerina, you'll be partnered up with anyone, Juli. You should work on how you can be compatible and flexible with the team you are in. If you won't allow yourself for any changes or improvements, you will not improve."

The way how she pursed her lips showed how impatient and annoyed she was. Kunot na kunot ang kan'yang noo habang nakapamewang, rason kung bakit binitawan ko na ang tungkol do'n.

I frowned at her. "A little more explosive, Juli. Can you do it?"

"Explosive? Paano ko naman gagawin 'yon? That's so complicated, Lavien! I thought ballet is all about grace and elegance? What should I do? Aalis ako sa norms na 'yon? That's not how it is!"

I let out a sigh and tried my best to relay my beliefs politely.

"Maybe the reason why you're not improving is that you're restricting yourself," I sincerely said. "In able for us to improve, we should be brave—be explosive—in the forms that we've been wanting to have. You should learn how to experiment, Juli. You can be caged in your belief but you shouldn't forget that you can step out of it."

Nagtitimpi lang niya akong tiningnan, hindi umiimik.

"You know... I've always thought that in order to be who I am, I must stand strictly to my beliefs—to be righteous at all times as I follow the principles the league taught me. But with what I'm doing, aren't I restricting myself from experimenting? Shouldn't ballet be another league where we can, not only find happiness and satisfaction but also find ourselves?"

"Because while pursuing art, we need to have an identity so we could be recognized. But no matter how no one recognizes us, someone told me that it is still art with or without the recognition."

I smiled at her and prepared myself to leave. "So, if you won't give yourself a chance to step out of the cage, how can you improve and prove yourself that you are Julianna Romero? That you are not imitating anyone in the league that you chose?"

She continued to stare at me as I walked towards the door. When I held the knob and looked back at her, I could see how she was conflicted with what I said.

"It's a matter of your beliefs, Julianna. I won't contradict that; I won't step on it, either. I respect and I hope to understand where you're coming from."

After I left the Pavlova Ballet Room, a room that I didn't expect to see myself going in, I went back to my usual routines. Gano'n na ang ginawa ko sa mga sumunod na araw hanggang sa dumating ang recital ni Julianna.

❦

The night before Julianna's recital, Annika was in my room, finishing another requirement because she grew tired of her room's interior.

Einaudi's Nuvole Bianche which was playing in the background disrupted because of the knocks from the door. Mabilis akong tumayo mula sa pagtatahi at nagtungo sa pinto. Nang binuksan ko ay nakita kong nakasimangot si Julianna, bitbit ang kulay pula niyang tutu.

"I know it's very late... but I brought a red tulle. Are five yards enough?"

Nangunot ang noo ko bago mabilis siyang pinapasok sa loob. Annika was laying down at my bed when she got up and fixed her spectacles in the process. She eyed how Julianna went inside the room and sat at the floor, her legs stretched.

"Napa'no ka?" Annika asked, confused. Bumaling siya sa 'kin. "Hindi ko alam na good-good na pala kayo?"

Julianna rolled her eyes before she shyly pouted. "I-I'm just asking for a favor."

I silently closed the door and went beside them. I took my seat and saw how Julianna's still holding the roll of the red tulle.

"May kailangan ka, Juli?" I kindly asked as I lowered down the volume of the music.

"No, please continue the music," she commented. "Ano... my red tutu—the one that I've been practicing with—got torn off because I was clumsy. Kasisira lang niya noong nagpa-practice ako sa Pavlova so I bought five yards of tulle-"

"Five yards of tulle?!" histerikal na tanong ni Annika, nakaawang ang bibig. "Ang dami-"

"I know! Wala naman akong knowledge pagdating sa yards-yards. I only know our backyard."

Hindi ko mapigilang mapangiwi. Gano'n din si Annika.

Julianna noticed it, the reason why her frown deepened. "H-hey! You can't blame me. All along, ballet lang alam ko. I don't think learning about yards when you're a ballerina is necessary. It's not I'm going to sew my tutu whenever I need to!"

Natatawa kong inilahad ang kamay, hinihingi ang nasirang tutu niya. She gave it to me before she extended her other leg.

Annika went down from the bed as I checked her red tutu. Some parts of the second layer of the tutu got torn off, the reason why I planned to create a new tutu. It's much better and easier than fixing the old one. Natatakot akong masira ang hawak.

"Is it all right with you if I sew you another tutu?" She blinked. "Baka kasi masira ko 'to."

"Mas okay ba 'yon?"

"Yes. I'm not sure how to work on the broken layers."

"Okay, go. I'm fine with it. Isang beses lang naman ako magpa-practice tonight then I'm done."

I gave her a smile and nodded. "Thank you for trusting me."

She handed me a band of elastics when I asked for one. Nakalimutan daw niyang ibigay kanina.

I silently worked on Julianna's new tutu as they talked. Paminsan-minsan ay napuputol ko ang pag-uusap dahil sa pagtatanong ng kagustuhan niya sa tutu.

"Bakit nakabanat palagi ang legs niyo? Hindi ba kayo nangangalay kakabukaka?"

"No! Why would we be? A ballerina always needs to stretch especially if she's sitting."

They were silent for a while. Ang tanging nangingibabaw ay ang ugong mula sa sewing machine na gamit ko.

"Okay lang ba 'yon?" tanong ni Annika pagkatapos manahimik.

"With what? Stretching? Of course! We need to keep on doing-"

"Hindi 'yon 'yung tanong ko. Ang tanong ko, kung okay lang ba sa 'yo na flat-chested? Nagba-bra ka pa ba, Juli?"

I heard Julianna went on a hysterical act. "Of course, I wear bras! And I'm not flat-chested! How dare you say that? Naiiba lang 'yung katawan namin because our body isn't the lady-like form. Tapos our shoulders are stretched backwards so there would be a clearer view at the neck. That is essential!"

"That's why you're flat-chested?"

"No!" She let out another dramatic sound. "There are ballerinas who are not flat-chested. Pero it's much better if you are! Kasi whenever you stretch out your hand—do you remember the steps in Swan Lake? You move your arms like a swan? It extends the lines of your body!"

"Pero, fl-"

"I am not going to talk to you about this topic anymore, Miss! How dare you talk to me like that?" saad ni Julianna, naiirita.

I faced them and saw that Julianna's face is almost red because of what Annika did. Hindi ko mapigilang matawa.

"Do you have anything to do to prepare for the recital, Julianna? Pwede mo naman gawin dito."

Julianna was about to answer but Annika cut her through it.

"Ay, gagawin mo ba 'yung ginagawa ni Lavien? Magsisira ka ba ng sapatos? Iba talaga kayong mga ballerina."

I saw how Julianna looked shocked because of what she heard. Natawa muli ako bago itinuloy ang ginagawa.

"Hindi namin sinisira 'yon! We're making it flexible."

"Pero sinisira niyo pa rin-"

"Lavien!" Julianna shrieked. "Why is your friend like this? She's so annoying!"

I shrugged and cut the red tulle. "If you show her how you break the pointes..."

"I'll be right back!" She stood up and stormed off my room.

True to her words, Julianna went back with her four pairs of skin-toned pointes. As soon as she dropped her things on the floor, Annika scooted while I was busy sewing her tutu. I only need a few minutes more before I finish her tutu.

Sa durasyon na 'yon ay wala akong narinig kun'di ang pagtatanong ni Annika kay Julianna. Julianna kept on responding with irritation.

When I was finished, I sat beside Annika and peeked on what Julianna's been doing. Tinatahi niya ang kakulay na elastics pati na rin ang ribbon sa pointes. I couldn't help seeing my younger self as she broke the shoes.

The sound of the breaking box and the slamming of concrete kept on filling the room as Julianna is busy prepping her shoes.

She asked me if I could help her with a pair. I accepted her offer as I asked how she wanted it to be. She gave me directions before I broke one of the pointes that she sewed.

"Iba't iba ba 'yung ano ng shoes? 'Yung lambot sa paa kada ballerina?" Annika asked, a little sleepy.

I nodded at her when I realized that Julianna was busy. "Some like the shoes harder because it gives proper support. Others want it softer so it would be easy to work with."

Annika pouted and picked one of the pointes. "Bakit ang dami namang pairs? Ilang oras lang naman kayo magsasayaw. Hindi talaga kaya ng isa o dalawa lang?"

Julianna let out a sigh. "Firebird is demanding. Tapos 'yung pawis sa paa ko magpapalambot sa pointes. Bawat breaks, I change into another pair. Kapag kasi hindi masarap sa pakiramdam 'yung shoes, it will affect my performance."

"First solo role mo ba?"

"Firebird variation? No. I mean, I have a lot of variation pero Firebird is on another level. Sabi ko nga sa 'yo, it's too demanding! Kaya nahihirapan ako kung paano gumalaw. I've been used in dancing graceful movements like Swan Lake, Aurora, and Giselle. Ibang-iba 'yung dances ng Firebird pero I'm trying my best to improve..."

I couldn't help smiling with what I heard. I didn't know how it felt fulfilling in helping someone who was the same state as mine.

I couldn't help being thankful for what the rebels did. They helped me in a way that I didn't expect it to be.

I was happy that I took it positively—that I didn't treat it as righteous or unrighteous because I am seeing things from a broader perspective.

I am happy that I was able to influence them about it.

❦

The day of Julianna's recital happened and a lot of visitors occupied the Pavlova. We took the seats two rows away from the front row.

No matter how I dreaded it, the image of my father's death flashed before my eyes, the reason why I didn't choose to seating at the front.

I was happy that with the number of rebellions that have been happening, there were none during her recital. The College was peaceful enough for the Firebird recital to flow smoothly. When Julianna entered the stage and did her variation in an explosive manner, I couldn't help being proud of it.

Julianna seemed to be caged in her comfort. After she realized it, she stepped out and allowed herself to improve. I could clearly see that she stepped out of the cage. I was happy that she took what I said as a step in improving herself.

I realized that if a person were to completely disregard the opinion of another, he wouldn't be able to improve, the reason why he'll be stuck in an indefinite amount of time.

To be stuck in a place where improvement doesn't seem to be necessary is scary. To be someone deprived of improvement is scary. Everything would be scary if there would be no place for improvement.

With what I've been experiencing, realizing that improvement is a key to self-development, I have been trying my best in weighing out the sides between the lines. For me to realize it after I got confused is a thing that I would always be proud of whether it was influenced by the rebels or not.

I realized that in this world there was no right or wrong—it comes down to a person's perspectives. It's what draws the line.

"Uy, lapitan natin si Juli pagkatapos ng recital!" Annika said as she tugged my arm.

I followed her backstage and searched for the Firebird. Nang makita namin ni Annika ay mabilis siyang pumunta ro'n at niyakap.

"Ang galing mo, Juli!"

Juli, tired from the act, looked shocked because she got hugged. I followed behind her and smiled as I acknowledged her hard work.

"You improved from the last time I saw you," I stated with a smile on my face.

Nanlaki't nangintab ang mata niya. "S-salamat. Thank you rin for teaching me."

We conversed for a little while before she returned to their makeup room.

Annika and I waited for her return. When she got out, she wore her usual ballerina practice attire—a camisole, a palda, tights, and a soft pair of ballerina shoes. May suot din siyang leg warmer.

"Saan ka sunod pupunta, Juli? Hindi mo pupuntahan parents mo?"

"They're not here," she answered and looked away. I saw how her grip on her bag strap tightened. "They hate Firebird."

"Is that why you're frustrated?" I asked, concerned. Medyo nanunubig ang mata ay tumingin siya sa 'kin.

I know how it felt to be restricted from doing things that I love. It's not the best feeling that I could ever feel. If there would be a chance, I wouldn't want to have it again.

"But you improved, Julianna. That's what's important. Because if you wouldn't able to, would you be satisfied with what you're having?"

I let out a gentle smile and laid my hands on her shoulders. "It's alright to disobey what others want, Juli. Ang mahalaga, ginagawa natin ang gusto natin. It's about our happiness and satisfaction."

I didn't expect that with what I've realized—and with what I've told her—she'll tear up and cry. Napahagulgol siya sa 'min ni Annika bago mag-ayang tumambay sa cafeteria.

The rest of our night is filled with talks about dreams and passion. I couldn't help being happy about it.

❦

These past few days, we did nothing but to fulfill our requirements. Though there were a lot, I tried my best to fill it with the last of my passion. Kung hindi naman abala sa requirements, pumupunta kami ni Annika sa Suite.

Occasionally, Julianna will arrive with her usual attire. It has been our routines ever since.

I found myself visiting the Da Vinci Hall out of boredom. There was nothing left to do, the reason why I strolled around the College.

I peeked through the Hall's door window and saw that there were no people. I was about to leave when I heard a loud thump inside the room. Sumilip muli ako bago dahan-dahang binuksan ang pinto.

There was a faint smell of paint as soon as I stepped inside. Napansin kong buhay ang ilaw sa dulong parte ng kwarto. There was a big canvas at the back with a painter sitting in front of it. As soon as I went closer, I realized that it was the rebel painter himself, Tres Lagdameo.

I stopped walking and watched how he is working on his canvas, filling the empty spaces with the colors he chose. With every stroke he created, I knew that it was pure passion. However, with what he said, I couldn't be able to make myself believe that he is painting for his passion.

It felt like there was something else. It felt like he wasn't acknowledging it—as if he wasn't believing it. And it's scary... it's scary to be unknowledgeable of the state of your passion. It felt as if the excellence that you're aiming for doesn't seem to fit.

To be unable to justify what we've been doing is a thing that I dreaded the most. But with the birth of the openness of my perspectives, I realized that I was just scared. I was too secured that even the simplest things could scare me—the transgression, the rebels, and their overwhelming desires.

For so long, I've been stuck with safety. To be able to experience it and not minding anything is a thing that I've always appreciated. But with its appreciation, it taught me how to be righteous—only righteous.

I thought safety was a good thing, but after seeing the other side of the line, I realized that it wasn't.

It wasn't good to be naïve.

"Lavien."

I know that I can get away from where I'm standing, but the way how his voice oozed domination, I know that I have no choice but to listen—to listen and to comprehend what the other side could possibly say. Because for me, it's not a matter of righteous or unrighteous, it's a matter of one's perspective.

"I paint to speak out the voice of the others—I paint for the poor, for the deaf who can't hear the lies, for the mum who can't tell the truth. I want to be the justice for those who are denied from the liberty because of their defects... but I realized, I have my defects, too—and that is to speak for them."

The way how his words slipped from his mouth sounded weird. It didn't sound like he was the same painter that I knew almost two years ago. His words sounded detrimental, not only to the audience but also to the speaker.

Sa rason na 'yon ay nakaramdam ako ng pamimigat ng dibdib.

A lot of months had passed. Rebellions occurred. Unforeseen events happened. I got dragged into the other side of the line. There were a lot of things going on and for him to break down like this sounded enough. It was enough to tell that he was suffering from what has been happening.

He stopped from painting and carefully put his materials away. Mula sa pagkatatalikod ay humarap siya sa 'kin, may maliit na ngiti sa labi. Dahil sa ginawa niya ay napansin kong mga batang lansangan ang pinipinta niya.

Seeing how sorrowful he looked didn't feel right.

I know that there is something going on. I know that it bugged him a lot. For him to say that he was painting for others and not for himself sounded so wrong.

After all, he was a man of passion. I expected him to be passionate for himself, however, I didn't expect that his passion was anywhere but him.

I thought I know him the same way how he managed to know me, but because of what he said, it made me believe that I was wrong.

He wasn't a man of his passion; he was a man of other people's passion. Alam ko na iyon dati pa—na nagpipinta siya sa ilalim ng identidad ng iba, pati na rin sa galit na itinutungo sa iba. Pero bakit?

Why did he allow himself to get to that state? Was he so invested with the word passion, the reason why he forgot that he wasn't doing it for himself? Or is it because he knew he wasn't doing it for himself, the reason why he went on?

How could he be selfish and selfless at the same time? How could he fathom doing such an act?

"It is suffocating, Lavien." Bahagyang nanginginig ang kan'yang boses.

The lights of the studio were bright but his face looked dark. He sounded so composed—he even looked like it—but with the way how his voice sounded, I knew the state where he is at took a toll on his beliefs.

For so long, how could a man of passion be able to fathom the indifference of his beliefs? How could he be able to make himself believe that everything's all right? That he's doing it for himself?

How could he do that? Or maybe he can't.

Maybe he's going to detach. Maybe he's going to let go.

For a man of this character to be able to uphold the strictness of his form, there is no doubt that he'll break down. I wasn't sure if he was doing it right now.

I was scared when his shoulders started to shake—a sign of his grief to a thing that I don't know about.

Looking at him, I realized that holding myself back is a thing that I didn't want to return to. As he had said, it was suffocating. It hurt me a lot.

Bumibigat ang dibdib ko habang pinanood ang pagpipigil niya ng luha.

"Nakawawalang-gana para magpinta sa iba." Napasinghap ako sa narinig. "Ever since I knew how to paint, anger has been my muse. It's suffocating, Lavien, so suffocating that I don't know what to do with it. Kung tatakas ba ako at itatakwil ang atensyon na nakukuha ko mula sa madla o patuloy na hingin ang atensyon ni Papa."

Anger... that emotion has been his muse. Was it the reason behind RAN's birth—to have his anger relayed through his paintings? Is it possible that all along, he knew that he wasn't doing it for himself?

How can anyone do it? How can they be that selfless, and in the process, lose themselves? Bakit nila pinapayagan ang sarili na humantong sa gano'n!

Naiiyak na ako sa paraan ng pagdaloy ng salita niya sa tenga ko. Paunti-unti akong nanghihina, nadadala ng kalungkutan ng boses niya.

"Everything feels so tiring. Parang ayoko na magpinta."

Napaawang ang bibig ko sa narinig.

To hear someone abandoning the league that they love is heartbreaking. To hear someone who is so passionate about it sounded as if he was self-destructing.

"And then I knew the reason behind my father's action towards his one and only son." Humalakhak siya sa dulo.

How can he be so hard on himself?

As I took a step forward towards his deteriorating form, I can only be wary of the dimness that surrounded his act. It was a sight that I dreaded to see. It was an instance that I pleaded for this to be a dream.

To hear someone who is passion-filled talk about their loss of interest about it did a lot of things to my passion-deprived form.

Alam ko ang pakiramdam ng kawalan ng halaga ng mundo—na umuusad na lang para may matapos. Alam ko kung gaano 'yon kabigat, at sa pagkawala ng tanging bagay na pinahahalagahan ko, lalong pinahirapan ang puso ko.

Ang makakita ng buong tao na masira ay isang bagay na kinatatakutan ko. Isang senyales na hindi lahat ng matibay ay matibay hanggang dulo.

Humugot ako ng hininga. Nanginginig ang labi ay itinulak ko ang sarili na magtanong.

"Why, Tres? What's the reason?" I asked, trying my best to sound concerned.

But I am.

He shook his head and looked at his painting. The way how he looked different when he did hurt me a lot.

There was something in his eyes that looked different from before. At most times, whenever he looks at the paintings, his eyes would shine. But with the current state of his almost passion-deprived form, his eyes can only seek void.

"Kung alam ko lang..." Nanginig lalo ang boses ni Tres. Marahas akong napasinghap nang tumulo ang luha niya. "If I have known it from the start, then I shouldn't have done such comical act. I might be able to protect myself from crumbling."

When he looked at me, the light from his eyes started to disappear. I can only be pained with the way how his eyes that were once passion-filled turned into a place for the void.

If he were able to realize the essence that is environing his form, how will he react? After all, what will a passion-induced man do once he realized that he will be deprived of his passion?