ACT THREE

ART ENVIRONS US

Failures are redeemable problems of the past. Some of which are humiliation, there would be fragments of so-called redemption and gratitude. As an aspiring ballerina, I had my fair share of those self-shattering what-not and disapproval from their humble gestures. Being easy on a flourishing artist, I knew too well how hard they restrained themselves from seething hostility from their professional mouths.

But this? This humiliation in front of me? This couldn't be redeemed. I'll carry this to my grave. Restricting myself from dancing, and now that I gave in, a person would sneak and watch this downfall waiting to happen? Hindi ko matatanggap 'yon.

Ang mapanuri niyang tingin. Pinuri ba niya 'ko? May pang-iinsulto pa ro'n. Pinagtatawanan mo na ba 'ko ngayon? Ang papuri mo bang 'yan ay peke at nanghihingi ka lang ng kung ano mula sa 'kin? Hindi katanggap-tanggap.

Why—out of all those possible times that someone could see me—did someone decided to show up? In the time where I let myself be free and lose those shackles? Pinagkaitan yata ako ng kaswertehan dahil gustong magparusa ngayon.

Yet he stood there. Unmoved and unbothered that he disturbed someone's guilt. So proud and mighty. Does he want to be praised? Naaasiwa ako sa seryosong titig niya sa 'kin. Wala akong mapuna sa kan'ya kun'di ang inis ko dahil bakit siya nandito? Anong ginagawa niya rito?

"Are you... a ballerina?" His words were careful but there was something in his eyes that bled arrogance.

Baka ako lang ang nakakita.

I didn't move from my position. Direkta lang akong nakatitig sa mata niyang nagtataka kung bakit ako umaaktong ganito. Surely, he must have gotten the signal. Either a ballerina or not, he should have understood that no one wants to be seen practicing!

Pinigilan ko ang paglalabas ng galit sa pagkagat ng dila. I bit it so hard that it stung and brought a slap to my face that I am a disobedient child. Magagalit sa 'kin si Mommy nito.

I could always disregard their treatment towards me—I really could. But I wanted him to bleed—to tell me what I did—to give emphasis on the shame I brought upon myself. Kasi kung hindi? Bibitbitin ko 'to hanggang sa hindi na makatulog. Parurusahan ko ang sarili dahil ayaw ko na. Pinagbibigyan ko lang ang sarili ngayon dahil ilang linggo na akong naaakit na sumayaw.

Tapos ganito ang ibibigay sa 'kin?

"I'm sorry. I disturbed you, didn't I?"

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga. Hindi pa siya aalis sa pwesto niya? I am frustrated because I can't see the emotion in his face! Masyadong madilim kaya nahihirapan akong umaninag.

Gusto ko nang umalis. Nanginginig na ang kamay at paa ko. Takbo lang ang gagawin ko pero hindi ako makagalaw! I am caught red-handed, but not by my Mom—by him, by a person that I didn't know that existed!

Nagbaba agad siya ng tingin pero ibinalik agad. Tumagilid siya, senyales na binibigyan ako ng oras para makaalis. Without thinking twice, I grabbed my bag and hurried towards the exit. Grace and poise should wrap my demeanor but nervousness got a hold of me. Hindi ko sinasadyang mabunggo siya ngunit wala na akong oras para humingi ng paumanhin.

I was far away from him when I got a hold of my breath. Napasandal ako sa pader habang hinahabol ang hininga. Mariin kong itinapat ang nanginginig na kamay sa dibdib at marahang sinuntok gamit ang apat na daliri. Ipinikit ko ang mata at inisip ang ginawa.

That's the reason why I don't want to sneak! Sa kahit anong tago, alam kong mahuhuli't mahuhuli pa rin ako. It's how the world works and it keeps on getting tiring as I realize it. Huwag ko na lang sana siya makikita muli dahil hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Hindi ako mapakali at alam kong mahihirapan ako sa pagtutuloy ng portfolio ko mamaya!

If only I was kinder to myself, I wouldn't have been experiencing this misfortune.

Great. Now what?

With regret filling my form as hunger got a hold of my stomach, I pushed myself away from the forbidden tree. Now I've gotten the forbidden fruit, it's time to be exiled from that world. Bibitawan ko na ang pagiging ballerina dahil hindi lang ako ang masasaktan, pati na rin si Mommy. I brought this to myself that's why there's a need to carry it on my own. Wala akong sinisisi dahil pagbali-baliktarin 'man ang lahat, ginusto ko 'to. Ginawa ko 'yon, nangyari ang hindi inaasahan, at ako ang maghihirap sa bunga ng kasalanan ko.

Madali akong naglakad mula sa ngayo'y kinasusuklaman na lugar patungo sa dorm. The dawning of the sun and the replacement of the moon across the vast dark sea didn't help in putting my attention elsewhere. The bright lights coming from the facilities' buildings and the lantern lights that decorated the grass didn't put my worries away. I took a hold of the French curves on top of the Renaissance-inspired streetlights.

There are a lot of choices other than this prestigious art school. I could be easily sent to New York or Chicago but I chose to stay here instead. The thought of leaving my lost Mom made me sick. Nahihirapan si Mommy sa estado niya at bakit dadagdagan ko pa? May natitira pa naman sa 'kin at inilalagay ko 'yon sa nagpalaki sa 'kin. I have my gratitude. I know how to trace back from the origin. Hindi ako masamang tao para kalimutan ang lahat dahil sa isang pangyayari.

Maraming estudyante na bitbit ang kanilang naglalakihang projects ang sumasalubong sa akin. Ang isa ay hindi na alam kung anong gagawin dahil sa laki ng bitbit niyang illustration board. May nakikita pa akong tumatakbo habang may kalat pa ng painting sa mukha. At the distance, I could hear student musicians practicing their notes in the air.

Laura Sullivan's Wind of Magic.

I sighed and inhaled the peaceful and artsy environment of the place where I chose to torment myself.

This is the golden age of art. The seemingly vast opportunities of pursuing the golden age withered into ashes as a series of hostile events unfolded before me. The once high and mighty ballerina fell from her grace and landed with a fragile heart before turning the momentary scene into never-ending suffering.

Blotches of well-drawn and estimated paint scrawled across the white canvas of a student. With a beret on top of her green-dyed short hair and a paintbrush tucked at the back of her ear, she passionately dragged her occupied hand to drop another stroke. Marahan ang kamay habang palipat-lipat ang tingin sa canvas at sa ginagayahan.

I stopped walking and admired the serenity that The Raison Museum offers. Seeing the strong Ionic pillars with famous sculptures acting as guards towards the passion-filled home gave me a sense of serenity. The ivory white material glowed under the soft, amber lights. Black letters that gave off the name of the building glistened when the moonlight decided to bestow its glory and produce an uproar on its majesty.

Nakaiiyak tingnan ang kagandahan ng museong iyon. Gusto kong balik-balikan. Gusto kong maramdaman kung paano manirahan do'n ngunit ang mga natatanging pintor at iskultor lamang ang pwedeng magpahanga roon.

Minsan, naiinggit ako sa kanila. They could capture these sky-high buildings with their imaginations and trap them with streaks of colors and passion on their endless canvas. They could bring life into stationary pieces by sprinkling hope and joy in every batch of their limitless imaginations.

A personification of art. Gratitude for peace. Every artist deserves recognition.

Ipinikit ko ang mata at pinakiramdaman ang simoy ng hangin. Humahalo ang iba't ibang piyesa sa gabi at naninindig ang balahibo ko tuwing tumutumpak ang mga notang nakabibilib. It's overwhelming how one person could carry so much within themselves. One could carry sadness while the other could carry hope. One could be smiling for a job well done while the other could smile because they have survived.

Pursuing art is a challenge. Not everyone could appreciate it. I could be belittled. I could be put to shame just because I decided to pursue what my heart wants to—what I want to. Pursuing this league could be called selfishness, but could they call it like that once they have realized what I'm fighting for?

The world conspired back then. Now, it disregarded the norms. It chose to break free from the shackles of the dark past. They have decided to embrace the truth that art environs us and it couldn't be dislodged from this cruel world.

How could I be called cruel if I am doing this for happiness? Isn't that's what the people have been doing—doing things for their happiness? Could it be called selfishness if a lot of people practices it?

I don't think so. They only remained blind. They didn't want to accept the fact. They didn't want to be called selfish. They don't want the conceitedness. They're drawing away from that negative word. Ayaw kasi ng mga tao mamali. Gusto nila, sila ang palaging tama para hindi mapahiya. Punong-puno ng pride ang mga tao kaya nagkakaroon ng pagkakamali. Kaya maraming masasama. Nakalilimutan nilang ang tao ay tao, maaaring magkamali.

I guess failures really are a part of us, it is up to the maneuverer to embrace or revolt.

With a repentance of the past, I treaded towards my haven. Sa lugar kung saan walang huhusga sa 'kin. Sa lugar kung saan pwede akong magpakasira hangga't gusto ko—hangga't wala pang nakakikita. At pagkalabas ng kwartong 'yon, magtatago muli ako sa maskarang ginawa ko.

Like a mechanically-powered doll, I left my room and entered the golden lift. Every single thing around me screams of elegance. Bowing down to the higher-ups is a must. Respect and grace should be dutifully observed. Once opposed, a sanction shall follow.

Yet the passion-induced students didn't mind it as long as they could pursue their love.

Umupo ako sa nakasanayang pwesto at hinintay ang takdang-oras para sa pagkain. Parang mga alila sa oras pero wala na akong magagawa. Adherence to discipline and routines, I may say. That's what we've been living for.

Nag-iisketch muli ang babaeng sinilipan ko ng sketchbook. May ginagawa siyang panibagong design sa croquis at walang nakadikit na tela sa kabilang pahina. Mababaw akong napabuntong-hininga nang matandaang may idadagdag pa ako sa portfolio.

The endless days of going down to the dining hall tire me. Sa isang araw, tatlong beses kong nakatatabi ang fashion designer student na si Annika, ang pangalan ay nakita dahil sa doodle na ginagawa niya. If I was up to creating a bond with a person, I would bring my pride down and ask her kinds of stuff about fashion design. She looks enthusiastic and dedicated to it, the things that I've lost. Paniguradong marami akong matututunan sa kan'ya kung magtatanong.

Besides, I'm here now. I'm pursuing this journey. Kaya nagdadagdag na ako ng laman sa katawan dahil tapos na, Lavien. Tapos na ang laban. Hindi ka na sasayaw. Hindi ka na mag-uubos ng oras sa buong araw para magbanat ng buto. Na tuwing uuwi, tatanggalin ang sapatos at gagamutin ang bagong natamong sugat. Iiyak dahil sa baling kuko. Magigising dahil namamanhid ang paa.

Those days are long, long gone. You can't get back to it. You won't get back to it.

Mabilis kong tinapos ang umagahan dahil marami pa akong tatapusin na templates. The Head Designer approved of my Bali-inspired portfolio. Gumagawa na lang ako ng draft para kung sakaling manghingi ng output ay may maibibigay agad ako.

I planned to stop by the cafeteria in the lobby of the building when The Raison Museum caught my eyes. Napatigil ako habang hawak ang nakabukas na payong upang masanggahan ang sarili sa init.

Sa ilalim ng sinag ng araw, kumikintab naman ang bahay ng mga pintor at iskultor. Day or night, the majesty of the building couldn't be caught between words. Nananatiling mahusay ang itsura nito sa kahit anong oras sa isang araw. It's amazing to see what dedication and hard work could bring in this world.

Inaalis ang sarili mula sa pag-aalala, tinuloy ko ang paglalakad papunta sa Couture Room pagkatapos bumili ng mainit na kape. A shot of caffeine helped me wake up and rev inspirations from the chest of my mind. Maingat kong ipinuwesto sa cup holder na nasa gilid ng lamesa bago simulan ang pagda-draft ng template.

I chose to create a maxi dress that is sleeveless and has a plunging neckline with a low-cut back. Having an ankle-length and a light fabric, it could be worn for extreme comfort yet it could remain fashionable. The prints resembled the ornamental design found at Bali while the flowy dress resembled the relaxing waves of the sea and the clean slate of air in the area.

I am not proud of my designs because they look so simple. I'm learning and it's all right. I know that I'll get used to it once I put my heart and dedication. Nagagawa ko nga sa ballet, bakit hindi ko makakaya rito?

I sketched a rough draft to the tracing paper while I had my eyes on the sketches in my notebook. Ginawa ko na ang mga parte ng dress para hindi na mahirapan pa sa pag-iisip kung ano ba dapat ang estilo. The only problem that I'll be having is the measurement. Would I be choosing a size two or a size four? But the models that grace the Runway Stead, the school's runway, are of sizes between two to five. Nahihirapan akong pumili.

In the end, I chose size two. Leaner, taller, and skinnier. Mas maganda tingnan ang pag-alon ng damit lalo na kung matangkad.

But the fashion industry sucks. It keeps on creating false images so it could be photo and telegenic. I swear, the models look so skinny and underweight. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang ganda-ganda no'n sa mata nila, pero iba't iba naman ang perspective ng tao—the reason why I kept my opinions about it. They're dealing with so much; I don't want to add.

Saglit akong tumigil sa paggagawa upang humigop ng kape at ayusin ang ilang nahuhulog na takas na buhok. Nagbanat ako ng katawan habang hawak-hawak ang lapis bago inilibot ang tingin sa loob. Iilan ang mga estudyanteng nakatapat sa tambak na mga nakarolyong tela sa gilid. Mayroon ding umookupa ng sewing machine, isang rason kung bakit hindi matahi-tahimik ang lugar. May nakita pa akong nakaubob sa mahabang lamesa habang nakasuksok ang earphones.

The place looks dull but it would get even more than that if I kept on noticing it. Ibinalik ko na lang ang atensiyon sa ginagawa para matapos na.

In between those hours, I caught myself staring at the large French windows, watching at the usual days of students. Araw-araw ko nang nakikita ang mga tao na malalaki ang bitbit na project dahil sa papalapit na exams. Bumibigat din ang rehistro ng pagod sa kanilang mukha dahil tambak ang mga requirements.

Palihim akong natawa nang maalala ang nasirang malambot na sculpture noong isang araw. What happened to that sculptor?

Nailing akong nagligpit ng gamit bago bumalik sa dining hall na napakalayo mula sa mga buildings. The dormitories that are separated for girls and boys is distanced very far away from the facilities. Nagpo-promote yata ang school ng physical and mental health dahil sa distansiyang nilalakad ko araw-araw.

They are that dedicated to breeding artists?

I opened my black umbrella to block the rays from the sun. Nadaanan ko muli ang Raison at napagdesisyonan na puntahan 'yon pagkatapos mag-lunch. Nakikita ko na rin ang madaling paglalakad ng ilang estudyante dahil takot na hindi maka-attend sa dining hall.

"Bilis! Bilis!"

"Teka, yung clay!"

"Pabayaan mo na! Gusto mo ng deduction? May nabibili namang clay d'yan!"

Clearly, some of them are stressed about this set-up. Kawawang-kawawa ang mga malalayo lalong-lalo na ang Visual Communication students na sa pinakadulo pa dinestino. I really don't get how the school thought of its campus layout. Kaya lalong namamayat ang mga estudyante rito.

I had mashed potatoes and steak for my lunch. There are also buttered asparagus which is very unusual. Minsan lang sila mag-serve. Is there an event or something? Nang hiniwa ko ang steak ay napangiti nang bahagya. I remembered filling out a form on how I want my steak: medium-rare.

Nagtaas ako ng kamay upang makahingi ng red wine. Madaling lumapit ang isang butler at nagsalin sa wine glass. I muttered a thanks before taking a sip.

"Pwede pala 'yun?" I heard Annika whispering. Napalingon tuloy ako sa kan'ya. Nahihiya siyang nag-iwas ng tingin at itinuon ang atensiyon sa well-done na steak.

Most of the time, the students get the same dish. Naiiba nga lang ang mga may strict diet talaga.

"Hindi mo pa... nata-try?" I whispered, contemplating whether I should take this as a step to create friends or not.

Umiling siya habang nakatitig sa wine glass ko.

"You could raise your hands. They'll know."

Her stare lingered at me for a second before she raised her shaky hands. Bahagya akong napangiti nang lumapit ang butler at binigyan siya ng wine.

I guess it's enough for a step in making friends.

Bumalik ako sa kwarto para mamahinga. There is a thirty-minutes grace period after every heavy meal. My next two hours are free so I chose to spend it with myself. Nanood muli ako ng videos ni Zoe Hong para madagdagan ang ideya bago mag-open ng tutorial kung paano gumawa ng illustrations sa Illustrator.

As a fashion designer, I didn't know that I'll be getting a lot from this. Bahagya akong natutuwa sa ginagawa pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasang manghinayang sa inabandonang kagustuhan. But do I really want to live my life in regrets? It's not enthusiastic hearing that.

When I got bored of watching and I became satisfied with my work at the Illustrator, I left my room once again. Sa Raison ako dumiretso at kinakabahan pa ring tinahak ang daan patungo sa loob.

The long flight of stairs is a sign to be understood as an opposition of to be or not to be. To be inside the museum or not to be inside the museum? I dragged my shaky feet upon every ivory step that is dusted with soil and whatever the earth could bring. Hindi maalis ang tingin ko sa dalawang estatwa na nakatingin sa 'kin at inaabala ang sarili sa bawat hakbang. Maybe it's just me thinking about it. Madali lang naman maglakad ang mga estudyanteng palabas-pasok sa museum. Ako lang ang kabadong-kabado rito.

Gathering my courage and my attempt to be influenced by their passion, I successfully landed my blistered foot on the final step towards their home. Matayog ang Ionic pillar na nakangangalay tingnan dahil sa taas nito. Pansin ko ang medyo tumatabang katawan mula sa glass walls at revolving door ng museo.

Once I got inside the museum, a huge gold plaque of the history and meaning of the museum greeted me. Directions were minimalist on the edge, giving a proper way of design and concept.

Raison, a French for 'senses', it read. With an attempt to pursue artwork in different forms and showcase the talents from diverse characters, The Raison Museum aims to exhibit artwork of students under the Painting and Sculpture course.

Those students are really favored by the school? Natutuwa akong mabasa 'yon. The school's dedication to letting students pursue what their heart wants is overwhelming.

There are three arrows: 'Painting' pointed to the left, 'Exhibition' headed straight, and 'Sculpture' pointed to the right. Without further ado, I went to the Painting area. Kailangan ko ring aralin ang mga hulma ng mga pintor sa brush at pintura dahil kumuha ako ng additional course para sa pagpipinta. I badly need it! I need to improve my color theory.

The muted latte colored walls greeted me. The shiny, hardwood floor accentuated the colors that the area is trying to portray—not too overpowering, like dandelion seeds in the wind: subtle yet noticeable. Gold frames were housings to the priceless paintings birthed from passion and endless nights of ideas and inspirations. A few sculptures were in the isle to contrast and add texture around the area.

Nahihimigan ko ang paghanga ng mga taong nakakikita ng mga paintings mula sa mga estudyanteng padaan-daan lang. The walls displayed rows and rows of painting that could be feasted on by people who are inspired, bored, and those who are badly in need of inspirations. Mayroon ding iilang couch sa gitna para mamahinga ang mga taong matagal nang titig nang titig sa mga likha.

Surely, these are priceless pieces of art. I won't exchange this place over anything. Like the holy castle for every artist. Punong-puno ng dedikasyon at wala nang ibang magawa kun'di iaawang ang bibig, tumitig, at humanga sa galing nila.

Do not touch, it says. I'm disciplined enough to abide.

I took a step back and marveled at my eyes all over the artwork. Ang pamilyar na tayog ng building at ang kulay na sumasayaw rito ay hindi maikakailang ginawa ng isang mahusay na mahusay na pintor. The portrait of this museum stood high and mighty inside the alive, white canvas. The artist took a different approach—in a style that I couldn't figure out—yet it gave away a lot of emotions on such a simple canvas. Sa dami ng mga paintings dito, parang sa kan'ya ang palaging pinahahalagahan.

Is he a famous painter or something?

Dumako ang tingin ko sa markang nagsusumigaw ng signatura at pagmamay-ari. In haste, black strokes, I couldn't decipher the name. Ano ba 'to? Masyadong nagmamadali sa pagpirma, takot na masira ang gawa?

With curiosity filling my thoughts, I unconsciously touched the signature. Dinamdam ko ang gaspang ng canvas sa aking mga daliri habang sinisingkit ang mata upang mabasa ang pirma.

I really, really can't understand the letters.

"Tres Lagdameo."

I immediately drew my fingers back and, with reflex, drew my foot back. Mabilis akong kumurap bago rumehistro sa 'kin ang pamilyar na mukha na madalas kong nakikita sa dining hall. Kalmadong nakasuksok ang daliri niya ngunit napansin ko ang mumunting bahid ng pintura sa kan'yang braso.

"He's the 'Golden Boy'. Ever heard of him?" Inilipat niya ang tingin sa 'kin.

His eyes scanned the inches of my face before dropping on my eyes. Napakurap muli ako, nagtataka kung bakit ako kinakausap.

We're not friends. We're not even acquaintances. Why is he talking to me? Ni hindi ko nga siya kilala!

"He's a good painter. Hindi mo pa talaga nakikita?" nagtataka niyang tanong.

I shrugged. Kinabahan ako nang binanat niya ang kamay at bahagyang ngumiti. The tug of his lips resembled the darkness of Odile—mysterious yet alluring.

"I'm Atlas Salvador. Nice to meet you."