ACT TWENTY-EIGHT

A WICKED RESOLVE

If there were things that I have realized around Tres Lagdameo, it would be this: it doesn't mean that he's passion-induced means it's his will to continue. Because even a passion-induced man is able to create his league through his passion, it doesn't mean that he is pursuing what his heart wants to.

If he wasn't painting for himself, then who is he painting for? That was my question after I attended the event last night.

After the contest, I was unable to return back home.

I'm sure my Mother's been missing me a lot yet I have no courage to tell her what I did—it was against the virtue that she told. The only way that I can, somehow, compensate for it is to give her the dress that she's been asking for. Though it wouldn't do anything to cover the thing that I did, I treated it as compensation.

I knew I shouldn't be treating it like that, but for me to treat what I did—pursuing my passion for a while—to be unrighteous, I have slowly realized that it wasn't. I realized that it's not proper to draw a line between righteous and unrighteous. Others would treat it righteous; others would treat it unrighteous.

I think it's proper to be in between—to pursue both things, but to be able to see both things. It was a step for me to broaden my perspective. Sooner or later, I'd have to do it. It happened to be now.

I shouldn't bother myself with the way how they looked at it because I pursued what I want. I've become selfish. I've become selfless. But what I did doesn't matter to me anymore. The most important thing is my peace of mind. I got a bit of it.

"Ate, pahingi pa po ng isa pang salok."

Holding the ladle, I looked down at the thin child who had his empty bowl extended towards me. May maliit na ngiti sa kan'yang labi habang ang mata'y nag-aantisipa sa sunod kong gagawin.

"Nakakuha ka na ba ng serving kanina?" I gently asked.

The kid immediately frowned. "Pero gutom pa po ako..."

Iniikot ko ang tingin sa paligid. Nang mapansing abala ang lahat ay kinuha ko ang mangkok ng bata, sinalinan ng sopas, bago iabot pabalik sa kan'ya.

The kid looked at me excitedly before he beamed his incomplete teeth. "Salamat po!"

"You're welcome," I said with a smile. I saw him returning back to his table.

We are performing community outreach for one of our subjects. They chose one of the underprivileged areas at Ilocos. I was assigned as the food server along with Annika.

We also chose the barangay's basketball court whose space was decent enough to accompany around two hundred guests. There were a lot of tables that are occupied by the children and the elderly.

Looking around, I realized that there were a lot of malnourished children that populated the area. Most of their ages drew between five to thirteen, some of which don't even look like their age. Because of the bones that are prominent, it wasn't easy to identify their exact age, the reason why I tried my best to give them what they want.

Their hollow faces were a sign that they've not been eating properly. Ilan sa kanila ay naririnig kong hindi nakakakain sa isang araw. Madalas ay solvent ang sinisinghot. One of the children brought it here before she lined up earlier. I couldn't help feeling sad because of it.

To think that I am able to go on with my life living comfortably and for them to be unable to do it breaks my heart. The children only wanted to have a portion of proper food to eat—that was their simplest desires. They've been restricted from it so much, the reason why they were thin.

I couldn't blame them, anyway. Who am I to? They're living their life accustoming what they've been doing so. For me to be unable to understand what was going on would be such a shame.

"Nakita ko 'yon," natatawang sabi ni Annika bago magsalin ng sopas sa mangkok. She smiled at the elderly after that.

Wearing a pair of plastic gloves, I put a piece of bread at the elderly's plate.

"Pagpalain nawa kayo ng Panginoon..."

"Eat well po."

"Salamat, hija."

I couldn't help missing my grandparents as I looked at the old woman's retreating figure. They seldomly visit my mother, but even in the little occurrences of their visits, I am unable to meet them.

Hindi magkaayos ang schedule namin nina Lolo, rason kung bakit gano'n katagal ang huling pagkikita. Idagdag pa na abala sila sa kompanya na hindi kayang patakbuhin ni Mommy.

"The child was hungry," I answered. "Wala namang masama ro'n."

Annika beamed at me. "Wala nga!" Bumaling siya sa nakapila. "Kain po nang marami."

I fixed the cover around my mouth and beamed a smile. I did my job of giving them the bread because I was a substitute earlier.

"Saang eskwelahan kayo galing?" tanong ng matanda, naniningkit ang mata.

"Sa Royal Colleges for the Arts po," Annika answered.

"Ay... gano'n ba? Hindi ba maraming rebelde sa inyo?"

"Hindi naman po."

"E bakit 'yung mga nagwewelga rito nagpapakilala na sa school niyo galing?"

Annika looked at me, confused. I smiled back at her and took the chance to talk to the elderly. "Baka po namali lang po kayo ng dinig."

Unsatisfied, he nodded. "Pahingi pa nga ako ng isang tinapay, hija."

"What's the problem?" Napalingon ako sa papalapit na staff. "Nako, baka nag-chichismisan lang kayo r'yan ha..."

"Ay, hindi po!" Annika defended. "Nagtatanong lang po 'yung matanda."

She nodded. "Ang dami nga nila ngayon, e."

Annika immediately conversed with Ma'am Allie.

"Noong kapanuhan kasi ng dating Presidente, napaka-kaonti! Tanda ko pa, nagpakain kami sa isang barangay noong isang buwan. Rotation kasi 'yan e. Pagbalik namin after two months yata, nangalahati 'yung bilang ng mga bata!"

"Hala? Baka po naglayas? Nagtaong-kalye?"

"Iyon, baka nga. Ang gulat ko ro'n! Two months lang 'yon pero biglang namatay yata 'yung iba. Mostly natitira ay matatanda. Dumagdag pa na dumami balita tungkol sa sindikato, pinupunterya ang mga bata. Biglang dami rin sila, e!"

"Ay, bakit naman kaya?"

Annika and Ma'am Allie continued to engage in their conversation as I busied myself giving away the last piece of bread. Mabilis naming itinago ang mga gamit at nilinis ang pwesto. Ang ilan sa mga estudyante ay nagsimulang mamulot ng mga kalat.

"Hoy, mag-pipicture tayo ha! Remembrance," sigaw ng isa.

"Ingay talaga," Annika commented as she wiped the table.

Natatawa ako habang inaayos ang pagkatatali ng buhok bago tumulong sa ibang gawain.

After the feeding program, we held another party for the children and the elderly. Namigay rin kami ng ibang school supplies para sa mga bata at grocery items para sa mga matatanda.

Hindi maitatago ang kanilang tuwa habang nakatingin roon. Muntik pang madapa pabalik sa pwesto.

We finished the outreach program around four in the noon. We returned to the College by five-thirty.

Pagkatapos tumulong sa paghahakot ng gamit ay mabilis akong nagtungo sa dorm at naglinis ng katawan. Kinuha ko ang naka-impakeng gamit pati na rin ang damit na hinihingi ni Mommy bago umalis mula roon.

I got off the taxi a few meters away from the subdivision.

With my decision to walk, I came across a lot of Assembly members who are giving away their flyers. Ang ilan ay malugod na tinatanggap ang pagtanggi ko, ang ilan naman ay hindi.

"Ano? Palibhasa, privileged!" the guy shouted. He almost spat at me if I hadn't walked so fast.

May ilan pa akong nadaraanan na may hawak na karatula katulad ng mga nakikita ko sa pagwewelga sa RCA. Ang nakamaskarang may hawak no'n ay sinundan pa ako ng tingin nang mapadaan ako. Hindi ko mapigilang kabahan dahil do'n.

It felt as if he'll lash at me!

With my desperate attempt in escaping the Assembly's recruitment, I was relieved to see that the subdivision's gate is beside. As I walked further, I came across a familiar woman who is running away from the people who are chasing her.

"Don't follow me! I don't want to join!" When she ran across the streetlights, I realized that it was one of RCA's ballerina, Julianna. "Help! Help!"

Ang marahas na pagtaas-baba ng karatula nila ang nakakuha ng atensyon ko, rason kung bakit mabilis kong nilapitan si Julianna. I immediately called for the attention of the guards at the nearby gate. One of them recognized me and followed to where I was heading. As soon as I arrived, Julianna is already on the floor, touching her leg.

Mabilis na nanita ang gwardya, rason kung bakit umalis na ang mga myembro ng Asembliya.

"Ma'am, ayos lang po kayo? Gusto niyo pong tumawag ng ambulansya?"

Julianna's eyes were at the retreating Assembly's members. As soon as they left, she winced in pain. "I think I got a pilay. How can I dance?"

"What happened? Why are they chasing you?"

Umiiyak na siya habang sapo ang paa. Bumaling ako sa gwardiya at humingi ng tulong upang magpadala ng tauhan. He immediately nodded and went back to the house.

I put a flashlight on her legs and saw that it was a scratch. "We can treat it at our home, tutulungan kit-"

"Why are you helping me?" masungit niyang tanong, pinipigilan ang luha. "You should be angry at me because I fought with you!"

I gave her a smile and shook my head. "I know when to place my anger. I didn't wish for anyone to get hurt."

"Siguro nagpapakabait ka lang para hindi na kita kainggitan, 'no? Well, news flash! Maiinggit pa rin ako sa 'yo!" she said proudly.

I carefully held her arm. "I'll help you with your wounds, Julianna."

Nananantiya siyang tumingin sa 'kin bago hawakan ang braso ko. Ngumiwi muli siya nang tinulungan niya ang sariling tumayo. "Sige na nga! I'll clean my wounds in your house. Meron naman kayong ointment, 'di ba? Ballerina ka before."

Matipid akong ngumiti at tumango. The patrol car brought us to our house.

Nang makarating ay nag-aalanganin siyang ngumiti sa sumalubong na kasambahay. Humingi ako ng medicine kit bago tuluyang umakyat sa taas.

The way how her eyes roamed around my room made me feel uneasy, especially when her eyes focused on the big picture of the Little Lavien Rosette. Her eyes were curious, the reason why I couldn't stop myself from allowing nervousness to take my form.

"Julianna." Her name slipped out of my mouth nervously.

She looked at me and with a frown, snatched the medicine kit from my hands and tended to the wound herself.

I sat at my bed as I waited for her to finish.

Even though she was silent as she cleaned the wound, I couldn't help feeling anxious. It felt like I decided to give her a chance to know what happened before, but if she were to ask, I wouldn't answer.

"You know what," she started. "I hate you."

I looked at her, confused. "If you hate me just because I pursue ballet-"

"Yes, that's the reason," seryoso niyang sabi. "My mother wants me to be like you. I hate it. Hindi kaya ako gaya-gaya!"

I continued to look around. I caught sight of one of my trophies and let out a sigh. The feeling of getting those trophies whenever I win a competition is a feeling I'll always treasure. The molded gold is the result of my hours of dedication—a gift after I earned a proper form. It resulted in another batch of sores and blisters.

"I'm not pursuing ballet anymore, Julianna. As you can see, I'm at Fashion Design now." My heart ached at the new-found league.

"Pero gusto pa rin ni Mommy na maging ako ikaw!" she shouted. Nang lumingon ako ay napansin kong lumuluha na siya. "Why do they always need to compare me to someone who is the best? Alam mo 'yon, hindi ko kaya! I want to tell Mommy but she kept on saying that I can do it, I can do it, pero it sounded like sarcasm to me!"

I want to defend myself. I want to ask her if she was filled with passion. And if she'll answer yes, I'll tell her that she's lucky because I am now deprived of it. I'll tell her to pursue that league if she found it in her heart to do so even without the words of her mother. But as much as I want to, I stopped myself and decided to listen to her reasons. It's one of the ways that could help me to broaden my perspective.

"Tapos naman ikaw! Lalo akong nairita sa 'yo because you keep on acting so high and mighty! Por que ikaw nakakuha ng huling Little Prima Ballerina title, you have the guts to act like that! Well, for your information, hindi ka Top 1!"

I smiled as I listened to her reasons. Lalo yata siyang nairita.

"Ang yabang-yabang mo! Tapos nag-Fashion Design ka? Bakit? Kasi you're believing that you're already a master of ballet! Ang yabang mo ro'n."

I dropped my head, a pang of pain in my heart. "I wasn't satisfied," I whispered.

Napasinghap siya. "Why?"

The way how her question sounded offensive is new to me. Natigilan ako nang marinig 'yon.

I shrugged and made it look as if it was nothing, but believe me, it was everything.

"I'm not happy with ballet anymore." The words tasted bitter.

She gave me a scowl. "How can you not happy in ballet? Don't me! Pinatataas mo lang pride mo so you can continuously look down on the people below you! For your information-"

"It's just that, Julianna." I almost pleaded. "And if you keep on trying to be me-"

"I'm not trying to!"

"-you'll get tired of ballet." Bumuntong-hininga ako. "Though it wasn't my reason—it was deeper than that—I just want to give you a piece of advice. I can't take it if another ballerina were to give it up."

I stared at my fingers when I felt a tear on my palms. Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga, pilit na pinipigilan ang pagluha. Kahit anong pigil ko, hindi ko magawa, rason kung bakit pinalis ko ang luha.

"I-I'm not envious of you!" she defended. "S-Si Mommy lang ang may gustong gayahin ka. Sino ba gustong maging copycat? Yuck!"

I nodded at her as I wiped my tears, the weight of disappointment and deprivation still at my heart. I tried to maneuver my breaths. I succeeded after a few tries.

I know that during the times of sadness, all that I've ever asked for is sadness. But for sadness to fill the air and with nervousness to accompany my form, the best thing that I can do is to wish for words to meddle with the void.

"Ikaw ba 'yan dati?" she asked, her eyes at my big Little Prima Ballerina frame.

"Yes," I answered, out of breath. "I won the Little Prima Ballerina award."

"What's it like?"

"The what?"

"Duh. The award? Iyon nga tinatanong ko, 'di ba?"

Hindi ko maialis ang tingin sa picture ko noong bata.

Sure, I was smiling, but my eyes weren't. Even with the disapproval of my mother, I had to officially accept the title that was given to me. Tita Alessandra was the one who accompanied me in receiving it.

"It was... fulfilling." Nanatili pa rin ang tingin ko sa painting. "I received the Little Prima Ballerina title after my father's death."

Marahas siyang napasinghap. "I'm sorry! I didn't know."

I smiled at her. "It's all in the past now. There's no use in going back." Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga.

I knew I hated the title because I believed it was given to me out of pity. But as I started to realize its importance now, I couldn't help being sad for it.

I knew I worked hard for the title. I went through a lot of sores and blisters. I knew I wasn't satisfied with my improvement, but for them to see past through it means that I am deserving of it.

My mother didn't even blame me for the death of my father. Maybe I didn't deserve the blame? Even though the lack of it, I decided to put it on me, the reason why I was hard on myself. But when I decided to detach from my previous self, I have realized that what is the blame for if it weren't for me?

For a person to be able to understand the other, one must know the reasons why, and I have started to learn that.

I knew I told Julianna, a girl who treated me as her rival, a hint about my past. It was vague, I know, but I couldn't bear hiding it anymore. As long as I continue to hold onto the blame that I decided to have, I know I wouldn't be able to fully let go of ballet.

Like Atlas, it was the acceptance that I need. Acceptance that no matter what I do, I have already pledged my way away from the league that I once loved. That whenever I decided to do what my heart dictated me to, I'll hurt anyone.

"Nagbaballet ka ba for your parents? I heard that your mother is a Prima Ballerina."

"Yes, you can treat it like that..."

I'm dancing ballet for them? No, I dance for myself. I didn't know why I lied. It was unrighteous to do so but the situation asked for it.

Am I convincing myself that I danced for them so the pain wouldn't be as heavy as it is? Or am I just making an excuse to end my pain?

"That's why you stopped?"

"I stopped because of it."

My tears dried at my cheeks but I continued to run my gaze around the picture of my last achievement as a ballerina. After the mixed feelings of happiness, satisfaction, guilt, and deprivation, I can only yearn for so much.

I can only recall it, too, the reason why I kept the memories inside a box.

The title's been hidden inside a box along with the promise ring that I recently placed. The last time that I opened it was a few months ago, the same day where I placed the ring.

If I were to wear that ring again, it wouldn't fit around my ring finger. I think that it would fit my pinky? But if I were lucky enough, in hopes, it would fit the same finger.

I just hope that I'll be able to wear it again... but without the hopes of ballet.

❦

Julianna left the house around midnight. She asked someone to pick her up. When she left, she said her thanks before leaving with a warm message.

"Just do what you love. Ayoko nang mainggit sa 'yo."

I also gave my mother the dress that she'd been asking for. It was evident that she was satisfied with it. Isinuot pa 'yon ni Mommy bago ako umalis sa bahay.

"Thank you, anak! Gustong-gusto ko ng dress na gawa mo. You'll be a great fashion designer, one day!"

I smiled at her and said my thanks.

In the past few days of my absence, I noticed that my mother started to move around. Though I don't know the reason why, I was happy with it. It felt like she's going back to what she was before but, of course, with the lack of ballet's presence.

As soon as I stepped inside the College's vicinity, I couldn't help letting out a sigh. Remembering that I have an appointment with the rebel painter himself, I decided to head at The Artist's Spot. It was one of the places where the students can gather and socialize with each other.

I looked for him at the outdoor lounge of the building. After realizing he wasn't there, I headed inside.

The relaxing color of yellow, gray, white, and black greeted my eyes as I looked around. My eyes immediately dropped at him. He was sitting beside the big window panel, a great place to portray how holy he was.

Nadatnan ko si Tres na nagdo-drawing sa kahoy, rason kung bakit napatanong ako. "What are you doing?"

"Intaglio," he seriously answered as he sketched at his woodblock. When he rose his head, he blinked and dropped his pencil. "Oh, it's you. I thought it was Zoren or someone."

With my knitted brows, I sat at the soft, comfortable chair that was in front of him.

"I like it here," he commented as he leaned at his yellow couch. He put the black throw pillow on his stomach and hugged it. "You like it here, Vien?"

Lalong kumunot ang noo ko. "Did you asked me to come here just for that?"

He rose his brow, a little fascinated with what he heard. Umayos ako ng upo sa kaparehong kulay na upuan bago dumekwatro.

"I have a lot of things to do," I informed him.

"Ako rin naman."

Ngumiwi ako. "Then what am I here for?"

When he looked at the windows, the rays of the sun hit his face, a reason why it emphasized the rebel's holiness. When he clenched his jaw, it outlined how he was eager on asking anyone to worship him. That for you to be saved, you shall appreciate how dominating he was.

"Aren't you a little worried about your safety?"

"You said you will protect me," I confidently answered. Hindi ko mapigilang magulat sa sarili.

He looked back at me with a smirk. The way how the light stroked his lashes made it appear longer than it was. "You're such a great apprentice."

"I'm not an apprentice, Tres."

"What? You're a follower now, Vien? Namangha ka ba masyado sa ipinipinta ko?" he joked. "I didn't know that you were a fan."

Groaning, I found the urge to roll my eyes at him. Sinagot lang niya ako ng tawa. "I'll repeat it again. What am I here for, Tres?"

He nodded, his mouth ajar. Nanatili ang mata niya sa kung saan bago ibinalik sa 'kin. "I was thinking... would you like to visit Atlas?"

"Visit him?" Napasinghap ako. "Why? Is the 'rebel painter' in danger?"

He chuckled. "I didn't know that you were capable of sarcasm, Lavien. All I'd ever expected from you is 'righteous here, unrighteous there'."

Ngumiwi ako, tuluyang nawawalan ng rason para intindihin si Tres. Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata. "Did I come here for you to insult me?"

He rose both of his brows and put his hands up. He wasn't satisfied with what he did, he even chuckled a little louder than before. He even gathered the attention of the students present in the area!

Marahas akong napasinghap habang iniikot ang tingin sa paligid. May multo ng tawa sa labi ni Tres habang pinanonood ako.

I rose my brow at him. "Why are you laughing?"

He shook his head. "Nothing. I love watching people suffer."

He stood up and fixed his things. I immediately followed him towards the exit. Nang tuluyang makalayo ay hindi ko mapigilang makipag-away kay Tres.

"You are such a bully!" Suminghap ako.

Why am I the one initiating the fight? Whenever we debate, he was the one who initiated it. Why am I doing it now? The change that I've been having is starting to take its toll on me! Parang hindi ko na nakikilala ang sarili ko.

I didn't expect for the ever-so-serious Tres Lagdameo to be able to act out of his character, either!

For so long, I have seen him with his usual look of "talk to me if it's related to painting, if not, then don't bother.". It must be the reason why I kept on talking to him during the art class. If it wasn't, I knew I wouldn't have the courage to.

"I'm the Golden Boy, Vien. I sparkle whenever they see me that's why they looked at me. Sa 'kin sila nakatingin—sa 'kin."

Ngumiwi ako. "I didn't know that you can be cocky. I didn't even know that you could be playful, either!"

He stopped walking and gestured his hands. He looked at me, a little bothered with what he heard. "How can I be when you're so uptight with me? You're abstract, Vien—you're the complex one. If I don't have the time in analyzing it, I wouldn't know."

I looked away. "I'm not a painting for you to analyze, Tres."

"I'm an art critic."

"I heard art critics are a pest?" I said after I remembered reading it from an article.

He immediately frowned, displeased with what I said.

"I bought an insecticide," he said and started to walk past me. Naguguluhan ko siyang tiningnan nang lumingon sa 'kin. "Come on, Vien. We're going to see the island!"

❦

I didn't know what pass did the rebel painter pull off for us to be able to go outside the College. After I have finished my last subject for the day, we immediately headed to their mansion. He even told me that he was free for today and that he was waiting for my last class to finish.

When we arrived at their mansion, I immediately followed him in the backyard.

Nanlaki ang aking mata nang mapansin ro'n ang pamilyar na tri-fold na bagay. Nang humakbang muli ako papalapit, napansin ang pinta sa loob, hindi ko mapigilang mapasinghap.

"So, you saw it, too?" he asked as he opened the tri-fold.

Pigil-hininga kong pinanood ang paghila ni Tres sa materyales. When the painting was fully revealed, I couldn't help being in shock.

"You bought the Idiot Mural?!" Paulit-ulit kong inikot ang tingin sa malaking painting ngunit nananatili pa rin ang kaba.

Nanahimik si Tres bago sumabog. "It's too defaming!" he shouted; anger started to ooze from his form.

"Then why did you paint it?" Hindi ko mapabanayad ang paghinga.

He looked at me darkly. "I didn't say that I was the one who painted it."

Napaawang ang aking bibig. "What do you mean—that there's an impostor?"

He clenched his jaw and looked away. Napansin ko ang pagkuyom ng kan'yang kamao. "RAN's signature was easy to imitate. His style, too."

"You should sue him!" Napunta ang tingin niya sa 'kin, hindi makapaniwala. "It's your art that they plagiarized, Tres! With the Assembly's power, you can-"

"It wasn't mine, to begin with."

Lalong kumunot ang noo ko kasabay ng paglalim ng hininga. "Can you bear anyone tarnishing the name that you built for years?"

His eyes looked distant. "That's a lost cause for me, Lavien. I have no power over that. The least that I can do is to buy it."

"But why aren't the Assembly aware that it's a fake? Ang tagal na nilang supporter ni RAN, how are they unable to distinguish it?"

His chest started to heave up and down aggressively. I felt the anger that radiated from his form. His eyes got even darker; his jaw got even sharper. With the way how he's holding his form, I knew it would take a little time before he shows the rebel in him.

The overwhelming urge and desire for his unrighteousness forced me to do things that I didn't expect myself to. It was a thing that didn't cross my mind, but with the resistance he's showing, I decided that it was my turn.

"You told me that you're not painting for yourself. Are you painting for the government? Are you painting for your anger? Tres, what are you painting for?"

He let out a deep breath, his dominating eyes locked on me. No matter how I felt the courage in my form, the domination he was asking for was too much.

"I hate the government," he answered.

"Then you-"

"But it wasn't enough for me. My anger isn't enough for painting. It was my anger towards my father that pushed me to do this."

Humugot ako ng hininga. "You're angry towards your father?" My voice sounded like a mockery. "Out of all the things that you could paint for, it was for anger? Are you satisfied while doing it?"

Pained, he looked away. "Forget it."

No matter how eager he is to show his dislike about the topic, I believe that there's a need to force it out of a rebel. It was a tough decision to make, but I am more than eager to open his mind the same way he did to mine.

I stepped forward and pointed at his chest. I could hear him growling at me. "No, Tres. Talk to me. You're painting because of your anger? You're doing this to get the attention of your father?"

"I'm not Atlas."

"Yes, because unlike him, you have the spotlight!" hindi ko mapigilan ang sariling mapasigaw.

His eyes were sharper, it felt as if I hit something bad—something against the line; something unrighteous. The blazing anger in his eyes was evident as the explosiveness of a Firebird's act.

I didn't know if I should be happy with what I did.

"Hindi mo naalala ang sinabi ko?" he asked, offended. The hidden remorse in his eyes hurt me. "I yearn for the spotlight, but since you didn't remember, you'll never understand. If you do, it would be the same way because you've been used to the spotlight!"

Ang paraan ng pagtaas-baba ng dibdib ni Tres ay bago sa paningin ko. I haven't seen him as angry as this. Anger kept on oozing from his form. Impatience, too. It felt as if there will be a little more time before he lashes out on me and call me names.

Yet the restriction in his dominating eyes overwhelmed his desire to do so. The discipline he has over himself produced a smirk—a mocking one. It was dark, I know, but I didn't understand why it didn't reek of Odile.

He was menacing, and mocking, and then none.

"Yeah, I think you're too narrow-minded," saad niya, tumatango-tango.

Humugot ako ng hininga. Napansin ko ang pamumuo ng kakaibang emosyon sa kan'yang mata. The way how he made pain evident in his eyes was out of the question. I didn't know that in showing his emotions, he could be this passionate.

"I want to be honest with you because with my paintings, I wasn't. Akala ko naintindihan mo 'ko sa paraan ng pag-intindi ko sa 'yo! Pero hindi pala. Nag-assume lang ako. I'm sorry, I thought we had something."

The disappointment in his eyes hurt me. What hurt me, even more, is the lack of understanding of how is he able to make me feel this way!

Humugot ng hininga ay pinakalawan ko ang inis nang ibinuga. Marahas akong napalunok at diretsong tumitig sa mata niya. Sunod-sunod akong nagpakawala ng hininga.

I tried to rethink why he is angered about my lack of understanding. Is this one of his plans for me to join his rebellion? If not, what is it?

He's a rebel painter, and with the role he had, it was perfect for him to relay rebellion through his paintings. He was good at it—as a rebel and as a painter. He was passion-induced, too.

As RAN, I know that his goal is to create a revolution through his paintings, the same way how he made his passion a weapon for the transgression.

But as Tres Lagdameo, did he use his yearning for appreciation as a will to act as RAN? Or if it isn't, was his anger the one who did the act? With the lack of understanding about his beliefs, is it safe to believe that anger is sufficient enough to push him as RAN?

But can anger be enough to supply one's desire for transgression?

The lack of understanding, the lack of answers, and the lack of reasonings were enough for me to conclude that everything will be understandable as long as there are reasons.

It pushed me to ask the rebel behind his will in painting.

With pained eyes, a confused form, and a nervous heart, I opened my mouth and allowed myself to let him know what was my stand about this.

"Reason... your reason... that's all I've ever wanted to hear, Tres. Without that, I am unable to completely understand."