ACT TWENTY-SIX

A PIECE OF PASSION

To be righteous or unrighteous—those were the choices that I have been taking up ever since I bid goodbye to my passion. The belief that I won't step on anyone as long as I respect them has been implored in my mind when I chose to be righteous.

For so long, I have caged my beliefs between righteousness and respect. I went with it as time passes by. It's the easiest route, I thought. But with the beliefs that I had, I didn't expect it to lead me to a narrow way of thinking, forcing me to believe in the "truths" that they've been telling me. That because of my decision in following the belief of being respectful, I didn't realize that I had been played on.

I didn't believe it. This couldn't be the truth. Tres must be bluffing me.

With an erratic feeling, I stepped inside the studio. The moment that I finally stepped inside is the moment that I felt the surge of rebellious passion. The presence of paint and its thinner made its presence known as it greeted me.

The passion-filled room contained numerous canvasses in different sizes, most of which are covered with white cloths. I didn't know why a sense of rebelliousness asked my righteousness to go on and unravel the truth.

With the loud beat of my heart, I took a deep breath and touched the white cloth that covered the canvas. As fear started to overwhelm me with the thought of what's right or wrong, I distanced myself from the narrow path that I'm taking. I tried to be more open and righteously judge what I'm about to see.

Malakas ang tibok ng puso na parang malalagutan ng hinininga, tuluyan kong inalis ang puting tela. Awtomatikong iniikot ko ang mata sa kabuoan ng canvas hanggang sa mapunta sa pinakababa.

A painting of RAN's "The Affair".

Marahas akong napasinghap, unti-unting nararamdaman ang kakaibang daloy ng emosyon.

"No, I don't believe you," I said as I shook my head. "Si Atlas si RAN."

I need evidence from Tres. Hindi por que nandito sa de Angelis Mansion ang sinasabi niyang painting room ni RAN ay ibig sabihin na siya 'yon!

"You really believed Atlas' lies?" he challenged. "He speaks half-baked truths, Vien."

I know I wanted to look at things from another perspective because I believe that it will help me grow—it will help me understand what was going on.

But no matter how hard I try, with the lack of knowledge, I couldn't completely comprehend what they've been trying to say. It was the reason why I couldn't help myself but be caged back to the previous.

"I know that Atlas is in danger because he is RAN. Tapos ngayon, sasabihin mo sa 'kin na ikaw si RAN? That's impossible! If I have known better, you're pretending to be him so you could continue on hiding him!"

He firmly closed his eyes, nodded, and closed the door before him. Marahas ang pagtaas-baba ng dibdib ko habang nilalamon ako ng pag-aantisipa.

"Yes, we're hiding him-"

"And you're not RAN." Nahirapan akong huminga nang mapadako ang tingin niya sa 'kin. "Atlas is R-"

"I'm RAN, Lavien," saad niya, seryoso.

I gritted my teeth. "Stop being delusional, Tres. I know you're a fan of revolution but there's no need for you to pretend to be someone you aren't!"

"Makitid ang utak mo," he said and clenched his jaw. "You're not believing what's real because you got brainwashed."

"I'm not brainwashed!" I implied as I found what he said detrimental. Ikinuyom ko ang kamao, pilit na inililipat doon ang inis at galit na nararamdaman. "Atlas kept on showing me signs that he is RAN. He even confirmed it at the Assembly's public event! Ang daming ipinakikitang ebidensiya sa 'kin ni Atlas at lahat ng 'yon ay matibay. Do you think that having the what-you-call 'RAN's Painting Room' inside a mansion means you're RAN? Kahit na dineny ni Atlas kanina na siya si RAN, hindi ako naniniwala ro'n, Tres! Hindi mo 'ko maloloko d'yan!"

Pinaningkitan niya ako ng mata. Napansin ko ang pagtaas-baba ng kan'yang dibdib. "Why does this matter to you on who's RAN anyway, Lavien? This shouldn't affect you."

Suminghap ako. "Because I got dragged into this mess!" I explained. "I want to know who's behind RAN so I could ask him to remove me from this. Kayo ang may kasalanan nito kaya nadadawit ako rito!"

Tres clenched his jaw, again. His features got darker—got sharper. Sa paraan ng kan'yang pagtingin ay hindi ko mapigilan ang sariling makaramdam ng kaba.

"Is it our fault then, huh? Is it our fault that you got included in this? Hindi ko alam na marunong ka na pa lang manisi," he mocked.

I couldn't help feeling hatred with what he said.

Manisi? Magturo? Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko ginagawa 'yon ngayon dahil hindi ko naman ginagawa rati. Ngunit wala akong ibang magawa kun'di magmakaawa na maalis na sa gulong 'to!

I let out a deep breath. "Look, Tres. I respect that you look up to RAN and you want to be like him, but you shouldn't imitate him! Nakaaawa kang tingnan sa gano'n!"

"But Atlas is excused from it?" galit na galit niyang tanong. He stepped forward. I felt how anger radiated from his body. "Ano ba ang kailangan kong gawin para maniwala ka?"

"Bakit ba gusto mo akong maniwala? What is it with me that you're forcing me to believe your so-called truth but it's a lie? Is it your pride, Tres? You want me to join your revolution? I'm sorry but I don't want to be a rebel!"

Tumalim lalo ang tingin niya. "They're not rebels—they're revolutionists, idealists. Don't try changing my mind otherwise, Lavien. You respect me but you never did understand."

Gustohin ko 'mang unti-untiin ang pagbabago na 'to, hindi ko magawa-gawa. Ang tangi ko lang nararamdaman ay pagka-agrabyado ng paniniwala!

"Why, Lavien? Why couldn't you believe me?" he asked, a little bit desperate.

"Are you that desperate?" I implied. "Are you expecting me to tell the student body that you are the rebel so you can have the attention that you want? I know that you're desperate but I didn't expect you to be this desperate!"

Sinubukan kong lumayo sa kan'ya, takot na baka kung anong gawin sa 'kin. Ngunit pinigilan ako ni Tres, rason kung bakit hindi ko nalawakan ang distansya.

"What should I do to make you believe?"

"Why, Tres? Bakit gustong-gusto mo akong paniwalain d'yan? Dahil ba-"

"I want to protect you from this!"

Napasinghap ako nang maramdaman ang kakaibang daloy ng galit mula sa katawan niya.

"If only you'll listen... if only you'll broaden what you're believing in, you'll understand. You can't survive in this without that, Lavien. Just please, hear me out," he pleaded.

Umiling ako, naguguluhan sa narinig. "Are you concerned about my welfare or you're pitying me that's why you're acting like this? O baka naman kaya mo kinukuha ang loob ko ay para sumama ako sa pagrerebelde niyo? Gano'n ba, Tres—gamitan?"

Umigting muli ang kan'yang panga. "I'm only helping you."

"And I should be thankful for that? Should I thank you and Atlas for dragging me into this mess? Ever since I got involved with the two of you, you tarnished my beliefs! Nadadamay ako sa mga bagay na gusto ko! Tinatrato akong rebelde dahil sa kagustuhan niyo ng rebolusyon!"

"They're not rebels-"

"Okay. Idealists, you said. But what will that change? What will you get from fulfilling your thirst for the rebellion? Are you masking it as passion so you could use it as an excuse from all of this mess? You can't force someone into that!"

"If only you'll listen," ulit niya. "You will understand, Lavien. I need you to open your mind into this."

Humugot muli ako ng hininga, unti-unti nang nawawalan ng pasensiya. "What are you trying to imply? That while I'm trying to hide my passion, you are freely doing it for what—attention? Tres, if you really are RAN, you got all of the attention, not only the College's, but also the nation's! Ano pa ba ang kailangan mo?"

"I want them to follow their passion," giit niya, determinado.

Napaawang ang aking bibig. Hindi ko mapigilang matawa sa rason ni Tres.

"You can't-" Marahas akong napalunok. "You can't force their passion at the back of their throats, Tres. That's not how it works."

"I didn't force them. They followed because of my paintings. My paintings caused an uproar. It was their choice to involve themselves."

Napakuyom ako ng kamao, doon itinutuon ang galit. "Why are you so firm with your unrighteous beliefs? You are clearly brainwashed by your so-called dreams! Hindi pagrerebelde ang sagot sa pagbabago!"

Narrow. I really need to get out of this perspective. I know I declared to myself that I will broaden my beliefs but with the sudden change, it was hard to get out.

He took a step forward. "You don't know what it feels to follow your passion, Lavien. Hindi mo alam ang pakiramdam na makagawa ng gano'n kalakas dahil lang sa kagustuhan mo. Why are you not believing that a mere passion can cause a revolution? Takot ka ba? Naiinggit? Na habang nagagawa nila ang gusto nila, hindi mo magawa dahil sa pinanghahawakan mo?"

"What is with revolutions that you find rebellious? Why can't you just appreciate it? Nagagalit ka ba dahil iba ang paniniwala nila kaysa sa 'yo? I thought you respect them?" He let out a mocking laugh. "You're blindly respecting them without knowing the reason why? That's how narrow-minded you've become?"

"Tell me, Lavien, am I right that you feel that you're very secured that's why you forgot the boundaries? You forgot that anyone is capable of their passion unlike you who's so keen on hiding it? Gano'n ka na ba kainggit sa bagay na dating mayroon ka?"

"Kung may galit ka, 'wag kang mandamay. Matuto kang rumespeto at intindihin ang paniniwala ng iba. Hindi sapat ang pagrespeto dahil kulang pa 'yon. Kung alam mo ang rason nila kung bakit nila ginagawa 'yon, alam kong maiintindihan mo. Mas lalawak ang pag-iisip mo."

I want to tell him that he was right with that—that I did feel secured about it, the reason why I forgot the boundaries. I want to tell him that I hate how he was the one to realize it first before he had the chance to tell it to me and that he knew me without knowing anything at all.

I know, Tres, I know... I'm trying my best to understand but I couldn't understand myself.

If a person could be righteous—could be true to themselves—why aren't they doing it? Why are they masking it? Then, why are they choosing the wrong path which will produce unrighteousness at the end? I know I respect them but I can't find the reason for them to do that!

Is it because unrighteousness is the new thing now? It's what everyone's been doing, the reason why they're following the trend? In this society, it's all about fame and not honor? Are they that thirsty for attention? For appreciation?

Are they appreciating the flourishing of their unrighteous thoughts? That those who are once righteous got brainwashed, the reason why they are acting like this? What's with unrighteousness that everyone seemed so fond of it? Didn't they know that with that belief, they allowed themselves to abandon the once form of honor and respect?

No matter how hard I try to widen my perspectives, I couldn't help seeing the flaws they have. Gusto kong palawakin ang pagrespeto upang makaunawa pero paano ko magagawa kung sinusubukan ko pa lang, bumibigay na 'ko?

I need to make a decision. I need to do what I think it's right even though it will come up as wrong because that's the disadvantage of it, right?

Mariin kong ipinikit ang mata, unti-unting inaayos ang pag-iisip. "Then if you're really RAN, why did you hide it from me?"

Tanging malalalim na paghinga naming dalawa ang naririnig ko. "I can't fully tell who I am to you is because you'll only see me as a rebel. Hindi ko nga alam kung anong iniisip mo noong sinabi ko ang tingin ko sa rebolusyon."

"You're too mysterious," I whispered.

"If I wasn't, would you take interest in me? Magsasayang ka ba ng oras na makinig sa pinagsasabi ko?" His voice almost cracked.

Humapdi ang dibdib ko nang makaramdam ng inggit. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako naiiyak!

Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi nang maramdaman ang paghahapdi ng mata. Tinagpo ko ang tingin niya. "You don't need to be mysterious just so I'd invest my time in you, Tres—being passion-induced is enough," I confessed. "Alam mo bang inggit na inggit ako sa 'yo? Inggit na inggit ako sa 'yo. Sa paniniwala mo, sa pagpipinta mo, sa pagpupursige mo para sa passion mo—lahat-lahat tungkol sa 'yo!"

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga.

"And you're right, Tres. I'm envious of them—envious of how they can showcase their passion through that. Inggit na inggit ako... wala akong ibang magawa kun'di mainggit. I just can't wrap my head around—I mean, how? Is passion meant that way—to cause turmoil in people who don't appreciate it?"

Marahas kong pinalis ang luha nang magsimulang tumulo ang mga 'yon.

Maybe that's the reason why I dreaded following my passion—because I believed that something bad will always happen once I did. That whenever I follow my heart, it will create nothing but selfishness—unrighteousness. That no matter how I try my best not to step on someone, I'll unconsciously do it... because I only want to follow my heart.

"Art is both controversial and revolutionary, Lavien."

"I know." Halos hindi na marinig ang boses ko. "I-I kept on wanting for excellence... for righteousness... for politeness... I tried my best not to step on people's beliefs because that's how I was raised because I didn't want to defy the league that I established..."

I firmly wrapped my arms around my body as I tried my best to maintain my form.

I don't want to break down but I was in turmoil and in shock. I don't know where I should go—to be righteous or to be unrighteous. Nahihirapan pa rin akong mag-adjust dahil hindi ko kayang bigla-biglang magbago ng pananaw.

I grew up being a righteous person and for me to meet someone who is the opposite of it—someone who is firm with their beliefs—destroyed me.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga. "I-I just want to know, Tres... is it wrong to be righteous? Is it wrong to follow what I've been believing in?"

He let out a sigh. "That's good, Lavien. It's good that you're being open about this—that's what important."

He took a chair and placed one near the big window. Pilit niya akong pinaupo roon bago hawiin ang kurtina at buksan ang bintana. Umungot ang mga 'yon, at nang tuluyang binuksan ay nagpakawala ng liwanag sa loob.

I fiddled with my hands as I tried to recollect my thoughts. Dumaan ang malakas na hangin, rason kung bakit nagulo ang buhok ko.

As much as I hate accepting the unrighteousness that I didn't know he influenced, I did nothing but to try to modify my beliefs. That instead of only respecting, I'll be knowing and respecting their reasons—that's what I'm lacking.

"You were disrespectful," he said as he stood beside the window, his hands on his waist.

Napunta ang tingin ko sa kan'ya.

"I know that..." Nanghina na ang aking boses sa dulo. Napapikit ako dahil sa naramdamang kahihiyan.

From the beginning, Tres Lagdameo was as mysterious as he could ever get. However, I didn't realize that he could be this mysterious. To think that he was RAN, the rebel painter, was out of my knowledge. I didn't expect him to be obvious yet vague.

Sure, he kept on telling me how he's fond of revolutions and all. Sure, he kept on showing how passionate he is with painting. But with all the truth that he's been showing, how come that I didn't put him on my list?

Was he that dominating that he made me believe that he's a rebel and not the rebel painter himself?

"Please... just please tell me the truth. Tell me what I need to do so I could be out of this mess. Iyon lang naman ang gusto ko."

He placed a chair and sat beside me. Dumekwatro siya at sumandal sa upuan. "Open-minded ka ba?"

Nakagat ko ang ibabang labi. "I'm not yet... but I'm trying to be." Tinagpo ko ang kan'yang mata. "If you could please just help me..." I let out another sigh.

"Fine," he said and let out a deep breath. "I'm RAN. I painted 'The Affair'. What you saw at the Rebel Room is one of the revisions."

Napatingin ako kay Tres. Tinaasan lang niya ako ng kilay.

Defeated, I nodded. "Okay. You're RAN." I let a few moments of silence to take place. "Why?"

The way how he stared at me was unexplainable. He was staring, a gesture so simple yet he made me believe that it is more than that.

"I did it the least way you didn't expect to happen—let a mere passion to cause a revolution. I thought you got a hunch of it, Lavien? I kept on telling you how I admired it. Akala ko nakuha mo."

"I didn't notice it..."

"Yeah, because you believed that sunken island."

He shifted in his seat. Napansin kong iginagala niya ang tingin sa buong kwarto. Gano'n din ang ginawa ko, pinapansin ang bawat paintings na hindi na itinuloy pa.

"Do you know what it feels to paint what you're feeling?" he asked and looked at me. "It's satisfying to feel that, Vien. Ang pakiramdam na kaya mong ipinta ang nararamdaman mo—iparating sa iba at magdulot ng kaingayan... it's a feeling that I'll forever treasure."

"I felt it," I confessed, "before."

I heard a creak from his seat. Pumwesto siya at nagsalitang tila siya lang mag-isa. "As I paint, you have this image in front of you. Everything looks so perfect. Then when I transferred it to the canvas and feel the satisfaction, I'm telling you, it's one of those that I treasure a lot. Iba ang pakiramdam kapag sinusundan mo ang gusto mo."

I continued to stare at him and realized that no matter how hard I try to hate and to stay away from this passion-induced man, I couldn't help being drawn towards him.

There's something in his unrighteousness that I want to have and it's scaring me... it's scaring me that this feeling has been here for so long. I couldn't even remember when it started!

I hate how it felt right—how it felt unrighteous—yet I have appreciated the unrighteousness it gave. It gave me a new perspective to look at because as much as I hate it, it helped me to be better.

"A secret identity. My emotions speaking through my piece of art. Gustong-gusto ko ang pakiramdam na 'yon," he said.

"That's cowardice," I opposed. Nakita ko ang kaonting reaksyon mula sa kan'ya. Lumakas ang tibok ng puso ko. "T-That should be my response, but no... I-I think that's bravery."

He let out a satisfied smile. "You picked up quite fast."

I looked away; my eyes settled at one of the replica paintings. The Affair.

"Naiinggit lang ako... you can paint anonymously. Who would dance with a mask on?"

"Jabbawockeez."

Kunot ang noo ay napalingon ako sa kan'ya. His face lit up, amused with my reaction. "Jabba- what?"

He let out a small chuckle and shook his head. Ilang segundong napuno ng tawa ang kwarto hanggang sa humupa iyon.

"You don't know that dance troupe?"

"I was only interested in ballet..." Nag-iwas ako ng tingin, nahihiya sa nararamdaman.

Why am I being ashamed of it, anyway? As if there's something to be embarrassed of!

"I respect that," he said, mocking me.

I shot him a glare but he only laughed! Seriously, what is wrong with him?

"I think it'd be funny if you'll ballet again with a mask on. I'll certainly wait for your return, Vien."

I looked away at the mere mention of the league that I once loved.

I want to ask him how he knew about the event. I badly want to just so I could remember the feeling of seeing the little ballerinas at the stage.

The little girls aren't aspirants anymore—they are ballerinas now. With the win they had and the workshop that they'll be getting, I know that they'll be achieving a lot more.

I could only look at them from afar and be proud of what they've achieved. Hindi na ako babalik sa pagbaballet.

Unnerved, I met his dominating stare. The way how its dominance grew on me is a league that I can't comprehend—it was out of my league.

For me to completely understand it means that I shall invest a lot of my time talking with the rebel himself.

"Do you think that because you performed for the studio, it would sate your deprivation? No, Lavien. That's not art. You'll only want for more."

Hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili na makaramdam ng panibagong kaba. "But you told us that art is art without the appreciation. Bakit sinasabi mo sa 'kin 'yan ngayon?"

He pushed his body forward and drew his face a little bit closer to mine. "That's my interpretation, Vien. But is your interpretation of art all about frustration and desperation? That's what you want to show to the people who want to appreciate it?"

I couldn't speak because my words were held back.

"For you, that's art?" he mocked. "That's the best that you can do? A person can improve whether she likes it or not. You didn't want to?"

I couldn't help being offended.

I've been trying my best to do my part in the Fashion Design course. I'm trying really hard with it—I struggled with it, but I know I'm doing it for the sake of my mother's welfare. It doesn't feel right, I know, but it's the least that I can do after I let my father suffer because of my selfishness.

"I just want to pursue what I want..." Nanghihina kong sabi, ibinabaling ang tingin sa labas.

Naramdaman ko ang pamilyar na hapdi sa lalamunan, ang pag-iinit ng mata, at ang paninikip ng dibdib. Bumabalik ang alaala ng kasakiman ko noon. Hindi ko matanggal-tanggal ang kabigatan sa dibdib.

Hindi ko na muli napigilan ang iyak.

"Rebellion," he said and stretched out his hand. Wala akong ibang nagawa kun'di tingnan 'yon bago ilipat ang tingin sa kan'ya. "If brewing a rebellion by betraying what you think is right and pursue ballet, then come to me. Let's rebel together. A piece of passion for a piece of rebellion."

I bit my lip as I felt the offer alluring.

I didn't want to stay away from righteousness but I believe that I need to do it for the sake of a broader perspective.

Nanatili akong nakatitig sa kan'yang kamay, isang instrumento na pinag-uugatan ng rebelyon.

"Pursue ballet, Lavien. Pursue what your heart wants," seryoso niyang sabi, diretsong nakatitig sa aking mata.

I could only stare at the rebel's dominating eyes.

With the way how he stared, he made me remember what it's like to be unrighteous—to be dominated by someone who had a stand that is as strong as mine.

And then I remembered the moment that his eyes laid upon me—the way how he wants to be worshipped on, to be glorified on, and to be devoted on. That of all things impossible, the passion-induced man Tres Lagdameo can make it possible. Because when I didn't believe that a passion can cause a revolution, he was the one who made me believe it.

He is more than a man of passion—he exceeded it.