ACT SIXTEEN

THE MISSING GOLD

After I have decided that I will do all means to help the studio, the old man was very happy. The smile he beamed at me reminded me of his younger years—the years where everything was into place. The years where everyone was happy. The years when everyone was satisfied.

"May choreographed na sayaw ang mga bata. Ang problema ko nga lang ay hindi pa malinis-linis. Bea is a good choreographer, pero hindi ko makita sa mga bata ang paglilinis ng sayaw. Iyon pa naman ang pinaka-importanteng element ng pagba-ballet, hindi ba?"

I nodded at Teacher Carlos. "Preciseness and elegance rin, hindi po ba?"

He laughed at me and ruffled my hair. "Naku! Hindi mo pa talaga nakalilimutan ang itinuro namin noon."

"S'yempre po. Sabi nga po ni Tita Alessandra, 'Once you have a good technique, you won't lose it'."

Our talks went on and on. He told me that the children are enthusiastic when it comes to ballet. They have these strict routines that they've been working on, and gladly, the children adapted to it. Mas napadadali ang flow ng practice.

Teacher Carlos pushed the door open leading to the aspiring ballerinas' classroom. The classical piece that was playing faded in the background. The ballerinas, who are gripping the barres for support, stopped from their practice and greeted.

"Good noon, Teacher Carlos! Good noon, Miss Lavien!"

Napanganga ako at gulat na napatingin kay Teacher. He gave me a gentle smile and patted my back. My heart felt like it's going to swell.

They knew me? Are they a fan of me?

"How did they..." Hindi ko na maituloy ang sinabi.

The children looked at me with so much enthusiasm in their faces. Their eyes were twinkling and their mouth are ajar. I didn't know that they adore me so much!

I could clearly see how adoration was visible in the children's faces. I could feel how they're eager to approach me and tell me things about their affection towards me. I could feel everything all at once and it made me feel loved. Appreciated. Satisfied.

Hindi ko mapigilan ang maging emosyonal nang makita ang naka-frame na picture namin ni Mommy sa isang gilid. It's a picture of my mother who is wearing her custom-made Swan Lake costume while mine is a picture on a contest where I won the title of Little Prima Ballerina.

Everything's so nostalgic! The grand piano that they've been using since then. The familiar ballet barres. The sound of the hardwood floor. I could even picture my younger self staring back at me at the floor-length mirror!

Looking around, it felt like I never left. It felt like I took a rest. It felt like I didn't say goodbye.

It's the most overwhelming feeling. Ever.

I couldn't help my tears, the reason why I let it flow. My emotions are overwhelming me. I've never felt this free since then. Ngayon lang...

Humalakhak si Teacher at sinabihan ang mga bata na lapitan ako. May ilang nahihiya ngunit lumapit agad sila at niyakap ako.

"Hi, Miss Lavien! 'Wag na pong umiyak."

"Hello po, Miss!"

"Cheer up na po, Miss!"

I wrapped my arms around their buzzing bodies. I kept on hearing their comforting words and I knew... I knew that it's enough to compensate for the years that I spent away from ballet.

Going back has never been this fulfilling. Going back has never been this touching.

Naiiyak pa rin ako nang bumaklas sa yakap ang mga bata. I dried my tears and looked at them, curious about their ages. The little girl kissed me on my cheeks and patted my shoulders with her small, chubby fingers.

"Hello po! My name's Janna!" she said, beaming a smile accompanied by her missing tooth. Lalong tumaba ang namumula niyang pisngi nang ngumiti. "Smile na po. 'Wag na po iiyak!"

"Hi, Janna..." I murmured, still overwhelmed from what I felt.

I slowly stood up and look at them. Their stares still carry adoration and amusement. Ngumiti ako at pinalis ang luha.

I can feel that a burden's been lifted from my heart. I can feel the essence of satisfaction brewing inside my heart. I can feel everything all at once, and for once, I love how it overwhelms me. I love how it dominates me. I love every single thing that I'm feeling right now.

Looking at them feels like looking at my younger self.

I remembered how I look up to the veteran ballet instructors the studio once had. I remembered how I adored them and wished to be like them when I grow old. Now that I have the chance to continue their dreams, I will wholeheartedly do it even though it would cost my discipline.

I will gladly help them with all of my heart.

The little ballerinas silently sat at the floor, looking up at me with their wide eyes. Nakita ko ang pagtaas ng kamay ni Janna at dali-daling tumayo. Her pigtails jumped when she sprang to stand up. "Teacher! Teacher! Bibisita po lang ba si Miss Lavien?"

Teacher Carlos urged me to speak. I nodded and smiled. "Hello, ballerinas."

Suminghap sila. Some of the younger ballerinas clapped and cheered. The older couldn't hide their smiles.

"I'm here to accompany Miss Bea with the choreograph. I'm here to guide your form."

Bahagyang umingay ang paligid, napuno ng singhapan mula sa maliliit. Hindi mawala-wala ang ngiti ko habang nakatingin sa kanila.

"Ay! Everyday po kayong nandito?"

"I'll be here every Friday. And maybe, weekends, too," I answered with a smile.

"Nasa company po ba kayo? Ano pong company? Ano po ginagawa niyo ro'n? Kasama niyo po ba mga sikat na ballerinas?"

"No, I'm still studying fashion-" I blinked and smiled. "I mean, I'm studying at RCA."

Nanlaki muli ang mata nila at napapalakpak. "Wow! Ang galing-galing po! Alam niyo po ba, Miss Lavien, gustong-gusto ko po mag-aral sa RCA! Sabi po ni Mommy ang ganda-ganda raw po ng ballet do'n."

"Ay! Oo nga po! Pwede po kayo mag-dance in front? Idol po kasi namin kayo! 'Di ba, Mei-mei?"

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga. Seeing their hopeful faces, I knew to myself that I didn't want to disappoint the aspirants. Yet the lack of practice within the span of five years bugs my mind. I'm afraid that I'm not as prime and elegant as before.

But would it hurt me if I won't try?

"Miss, magpo-Pointe po kayo? Ilang taon po kayo nagka-Pointe? Ten pa lang po ako."

I smiled at her and removed my belongings attached to my body. Pinagaan ko ang sarili para madaling makagalaw. "I'm eleven years old when I got my first pair. Sa age naman nag-iiba. Some get their points by ten because of their ankle strength."

Ipinatong ko ang paa sa ballet bar at binanat ang katawan. Nararamdaman ko ang pamilyar na manhid ng katawan. It filled my nerves. The essence of ballet started to seep through my form. Swan Lake's tempting me to be performed yet I knew better. I have fixated my mind on dancing to Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.

"Hala... sasayaw si Miss Lavien! Ano po ang sasayawin niyo?"

"Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy," nakangiti kong sabi habang nagbabanat ng katawan. I lifted my other leg and stretched the part.

"Iyon din po sasayawin namin kasi sasali kami sa contest!"

I glanced at Teacher Carlos. Malamlam ang ngiti niya at umiling. I painfully nodded at him after I realized that the kids don't know.

"Bea..." Teacher Carlos called.

Ngumiti ako sa ballet choreographer at nagpasalamat. Nagtungo ako sa gitna at humugot ng hininga. The children left their position and sat in front of me, forming a semi-circle. The looks of adoration are visible in their faces.

When Miss Bea started to meddle with the grand piano's keys, I trained myself to focus on the flow of the steps and positions. I smiled to myself when I felt how muscle memory started to work its way towards my mind. I went with Nina Kaptsova's Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.

I started the dance with a pose and elegantly poised my hands outwards going up. I raised my left arm in a right angle which captures the firm elegance before I feathered my fingers into softness, contrasting the form of my arm. I let the right arm rest vertically and feathered my fingers the same way I did with the left.

My right leg, with my foot's sole firmly placed on the hardwood floor, supported my left leg with my pointed foot which I used to place five imaginary dots in a counter-clockwise direction.

When the series of high notes peaked in the air, I twirled and took notice of the posture I was taught to have. With firm, precise, and elegant poses, I continued the performance as the Sugar Plum Fairy. When it was time for the fouettés, I tried my best to support my weight without the help of the Pointe. I didn't bring any spare, the reason why I danced using my skin-toned foot sock.

I twirled like a ballerina in a music box and did bourrée steps backward with my arms moving in an elegant manner. I finished my performance with an arabesque. My heart beat wildly against my chest, adrenaline making its way to be known. Catching my breath and bowing, I couldn't help smiling. I could feel redemption brewing inside my body.

When I raised my head after a gracious bow, the aspirants stood up and clapped, amazed with what they saw. Hindi ako makapaniwalang tumingin sa kanila, gulat sa naging reaksyon. Hindi ako makagalaw habang pinanonood silang pumapalakpak.

"Mahusay pa rin! Mahusay!"

Habol-habol ang hininga ay lumapit ako sa bag at kumuha ng pamunas. I continued to stare at them, overwhelmed.

Tinapik ni Teacher Carlos ang balikat ko habang mangiyak-ngiyak pa. "Lavien, hindi talaga nawala ang kahusayan sa katawan mo."

I blinked away my tears that are starting to form. He pulled me in a hug and tapped my back. My heart continued to swell with overwhelming emotions.

"Salamat, hija. Maraming-maraming salamat..."

Umiling ako. "No, thank you po... thank you for giving me this opportunity. This means so much to me."

❦

I couldn't find it in my heart to go home after I have chosen the path of a temporary ballet instructor. It felt like I've betrayed my mother. I know that once she knew what I've been doing, she'll immediately hate me and tell me things about what happened to my father.

I know that my mother's been keeping that hatred to herself to avoid tarnishing our relationship, but the damage has been done, and I'm doing this for the ballerinas.

I just hope... I just hope that she could understand.

Bumuntong-hininga ako at pinlay ang YouTube video tungkol sa back exercise. I have done stretches and other similar exercises to get my flexibility back.

In the past few days, I have engaging myself in warming-up to practice the piece that the aspirants are working on—Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.

Kahit na mahirap magbalik-loob dahil naaalala ko kung ano ang nangyari noon, pinipilit ko pa rin ang sarili na ituloy. This is the least that I can do. Besides, I'm enjoying it. I'm starting to get a grip of ballet again and I've never felt so happy in the past five years.

Hindi ako makapapayag na dahil sa kasakiman ko ay may masisirang pangarap. Na alam kong may kaya akong gawin para iligtas sila pero hindi ko ginawa dahil natatakot ako. This is a risk for my righteousness, and if there were any risks towards it that I'm more than lucky to have, it's this: dancing to save the theater.

During my free time, I tried my best refining the concept I have for my fashion magazine, especially the poses that I want to see. Katulad ng ginawa ni Finn sa 'kin noong isang araw, kami naman ang gagawa ng sariling magazine. I'll visit VisComm's photo studio, too, and I've found someone to model for me.

Finn is a year ahead of me, the reason why they have high-fashion as their magazine's theme. Since we have previously created a fashion collection with a location as its theme, I used my Bali-inspired collection to create my magazine. The Head Designer had previously approved my Bali portfolio the reason why I was able to practice ballet between my spare time.

Tuwing gabi, kapag mayroon akong natututunan na bagong paraan para malinang ang porma, pumupunta ako sa Pavlova.

It's always open, but I don't practice whenever there's someone inside. Natutuwa na lang din ako at kahit papa'no, nagkakaroon ako ng pagkakataon para makapag-ballet. I know that this happiness is short-lived, the reason why I'm enjoying myself at the best of its extent.

Because after this happiness, I have started to become unsure of my routines—if I will go back to ballet or suffer under fashion design. I just hope that my discipline would never leave me.

Alam ko kung gaano kasakit ang paghiwalay sa ballet. Ilang araw ko 'yong nararanasan. Now that I have returned, it will be harder to leave. My pain will go back to square one. It's not satisfying to feel.

Sighing, I removed my Pointe from my feet. I was able to use it after two days of going back.

Teacher Carlos gave me a few pairs for me to practice in. Most of his current ballerinas are younger than me. With the lack of their ankle strength and length of their shoe size, the studio wasn't able to use it. They also gave as a thank you for my service.

I smiled upon seeing the blisters and sores on my feet. It feels the same as before—the sores, the blisters, the pain, and the numbness... it's all coming back to me. I'll treasure it as much as I can.

And I won't let anyone spoil this feeling for me.

❦

The next day, I went to The Cushion to buy some elastics and sewing tools. Bumili rin ako ng extra na toe pad para hindi sumasakit ang paa tuwing suot ang Pointe.

"Lavien!"

I froze when a familiar voice called from behind. I sucked in a deep breath and glanced at Annika, a shopping basket hanging on my hand.

Her wide eyes scanned the section I put myself in front of. When she read the words of my league, her eyes grew even wider. She's even fending off her scream.

"OMG. OMG. OMG," she whispered. "Magbaballet ka?" Kaonti na lang ay hindi ko na maririnig ang boses niya.

Ngumiti ako at tumango. There's no harm to telling these things to her. Besides, she's been my friend for months now. I like her and I like her company. She's easy to be with.

Her hands made its way toward my shopping basket. Nakita niya ang elastic at karayom bago sumimangot. "Ay. Ballet? Bakit may elastics tsaka karayom? Meron naman sa FD section 'yan."

I chuckled at her innocence. Sumunod siya sa 'kin nang kumuha ako ng rosin sa isang gilid.

"Pati 'yang kulay amber. For what? May tailor's chalk naman. Tapos bakit may box?"

Holding the pack of rosin on my left hand and the rosin box in the shape of a wide Pointe shoes on the other, I acted as if I was endorsing my product. "This is rosin. You crush this using the Pointe on this box, para kapag sasayaw, hindi madulas."

She nodded at me and pointed at the elastics that I got. "E ito naman? For what? 'Wag mo sabihing lalagyan mo ng elastics 'yung waistband ng tutu?"

"No!" natatawa kong sabi. "This is for my new Pointes. Tinatahi ko siya sa gilid. Do you want to see me when I assemble it?"

Nanlaki ang mata niya at sunod-sunod na tumango. She looks like she's very interested in this! Hindi ko mapigilang matuwa.

"Gusto mo ba mag-ballet dati? You look so enthusiastic about this."

She pouted and fixed her gold spectacles. Nagpakawala siya ng maliit na ngiti. "Kasi, I noticed... whenever I talk about fashion design, you try your best to be interested. Which is okay lang naman sa 'kin, ha! I know that you're interested, too. Pero when we're talking about ballet, iba e! Like, ang light-light mo? 'Yung parang walang pumipigil sa 'yo. Napa-iisip tuloy ako kung bakit hindi ka na nag-ballet e halata naman na gustong-gusto mo..."

I blinked, shocked by what I heard. I sound so... light? I didn't know that, because ever since I spared myself from the ache by disapproving ballet in my system, I never felt as light as this. And I think she may be right.

"I want to try another league," I said with a smile.

"Pero you sound like you're really, really invested in ballet! Anyways, hindi ko na uungkatin tungkol do'n. Ano ang ginagawa mo at parang babalik ka sa ballet?"

I smiled at her, silently thankful that she didn't pry into the topic more. I tried my best to answer the rest of her questions with ease. "I'm... dancing to save the studio. I mean, not exactly dance. Ballet instructor lang ako sa dating ballet studio."

"Oh. Kung gano'n, bukal ba sa puso mo na tumulong? Like, hindi ka napipilitan or something. Kasi, 'di ba sabi mo rati kaya hindi ka na nagbaballet kasi hindi ka natutuwa, that's why you pursued fashion design. Totoo ba 'yon?"

"Yes, the reason why I'm helping the studio is that I know that I can do something to help. And the studio is very close to my heart. I won't allow the aspirants to suffer just because I didn't do what I'm capable of."

Her eyes twinkled, yet again. Parang naiiyak pa siya sa naririnig. "So... ano? Contest, gano'n? Lalaban kayo? Anong piece sasayawin? Ay teka, kaya ka pala punta nang punta sa Pavlova!"

Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata. "You're seeing me... sa Pavlova?"

Her eyes grew wide as if she was caught red-handed. May binulong siya sa sarili at marahas na umiling pagkatapos. Ibinalik niya ang tingin sa 'kin at ngiti. "Well... may nakakakita kasi sa 'yo ro'n. Natatakot lang lumapit."

Ikinunot ko ang noo. "Why?"

She shrugged. "Ewan. Intimidating ka raw kasi. Sabi niya pa, 'She's overwhelming me.'. Imagine? The power, Lavien! The power!" natatawa niyang sabi at tinitingnan-tingnan ang ibang naka-display.

I went to the cashier and paid for what I bought.

I was glad that I didn't see Julianna while I was buying ballerina stuffs. Though I didn't want to judge her with this thinking, I couldn't help it if she was able to discover that I'm temporarily going back to ballet. She might be enrolled at the same ballet school and her mother might be one of the mothers who have a lot of connections.

Before I could even finish instructing, the news will reach Tita Alessandra.

Before I knew it, it would reach my mother.

"Pero, 'di ba sa nababasa ko... mahirap bumalik sa ballet? You're returning, 'di ba? Sa pagtuturo nga lang. Ilang years kang tumigil?"

"Five years," I answered and went outside the store. "Mahirap bumalik, yes, but when I was young, I learned good techniques. And muscle memory works, too. Iyon talaga 'yung pinaka-nakatutulong sa pagbabalik ko."

Annika kept on asking me questions regarding ballet. It looks like she's very interested in the league but it only ended there. Mas gusto pa rin talaga niya ang fashion design.

All throughout our talks, I was very thankful for her eagerness to learn and understand ballet. She said that she's imitating what I was doing—trying my best to understand a new league that is very, very far from the disciplines of my previous passion.

Natuwa ako nang marinig 'yon.

"Lavien! Basta, kapag inaasikaso mo na 'yang ballerina shoes mo, patingin, ha? Hindi pa kasi ako nakakikita in action."

"All right," I said with a smile.

She was about to leave—explaining that she went outside to relax from her magazine—but returned immediately. Nagtataka ko siyang tingnan habang bitbit ko ang pinamili.

"Ilan na progress mo sa magazine? At tsaka, ngayon ka ba mag-pi-picture? By sched kasi, 'di ba?"

I nodded at her. Mayroon pa akong isang outfit na tinatapos. Pagkatapos no'n, handa na akong mag-picture. I think I'm going to recruit Elton. He's a good photographer.

"After a couple of days, I guess? I'm not yet sure."

"Oh, gano'n? Well, papa-sched na 'ko, ha? Tom ako pa-sched. Para tapos na!" tumawa siya sa dulo. "Bye, Vien! Aasikasuhin ko lang magazine ko. See you in class."

After I left the things that I bought, I decided to visit the Suite to get my inspirations flowing. Bitbit ang sketchbook na naglalaman ng ideas tungkol sa magazine, natigilan ako sa bulung-bulungan.

The topic? Royal Colleges for the Arts' Golden Boy.

I heard a lot of whispers with him as the subject. Even though I tried my best not to eavesdrop inside the lift, their voices were too audible to be considered as a whisper.

"Bumalik na raw si Goldie."

"Ha? Goldie?"

"Baklang 'to. Si Tres! Bakit naman kasi Goldie ang tawag mo? Hindi naman siya goldfish."

"Ay, gano'n ba? Hala, sorry. Medyo slow. Bakit siya bumalik? Umalis ba?"

"Bakit ka babalik kung hindi ka umalis? Shunga ka ba?"

"Ay, sorry ulit."

"Shh! May chika ako kay Goldie. Basta bumalik na siya tapos parang walang nangyari!"

"E bakit? 'Yung Papa naman niya..."

I didn't hear the rest of their conversations because I exited the lift.

As much as I want to listen—eavesdrop—I refrained myself not to. Throughout the days of his disappearance, I have grown accustom to my new routine. That is the absence of his presence. Kung iintindihin ko ang bagay tungkol kay Tres, paniguradong masisira na ang disiplina ko.

I don't like the disruption of my routines. I hate it. The routines have been mundane for me. For him to infiltrate the discipline that I upheld would be too much for me.

Umalis na siya. Hindi na ako papayag na makabalik pa ulit si Tres.

I firmly closed my eyes after news regarding the Golden Boy assaulted my ears. Though their voices were toned down compared to the friends at the lift earlier, I could still hear that their talks revolve around him.

Humugot ako ng buntong-hininga at naghanap ng upuan.

At this time of the day—noon and a Saturday—I didn't expect to see someone who is explicitly showing his rebellion by bringing a medium-sized canvas at a public place.

But with Atlantis Salvador, all things related to rebellion should be expected. Bringing it inside the College's premises should be a no-brainer, but I was disturbed.

With my nervousness filling my body as I walk, evidence of a rebel painter's presence dominated my mind. Nang makalapit ay napansin ko ang pagpipirma niya katulad ng kay RAN. He practiced it at the white canvas. Nang sinilip ko siya ay matiim ang tingin niya habang naka-igting ang panga sa ginagawa.

"What are you doing?" I asked in a hushed tone.

He aggressively shot his head up the same way how his eyes sharpened at my appearance. Nagkibit-balikat siya at ipinagpatuloy ang ginagawa. Hindi 'man lang siya natinag sa sinabi ko!

Inikot ko muli ang tingin sa paligid bago umupo sa harapan niya. Kakaonti lang ang estudyante kaya kumportable akong pumwesto rito.

But Atlas! What is he thinking? Does he want to get expelled for this misconduct?

"Atlas, maraming makakikita!"

"Alam mo naman na. Bakit ko pa itatago? At tsaka, pinagdududahan na ako ng karamihan, might as well reveal myself to the public. Palagi ba naman kasing pinatatawag ng Dean," bumulong siya sa dulo.

Umawang ang aking bibig, hindi makapaniwala sa kan'yang sinabi. Is he really that eager to inform the public that he's a rebel? That with his power as the rebel painter, RAN, he can do whatever he wants to do? That is ridiculous!

Gustong-gusto kong umalis mula sa kinauupuan at umaktong parang walang nangyari, ngunit hindi ko magawa. What is working in my mind, then? That I'm starting to broaden my perspectives about this? That I'm starting to become a...

Hindi ko mapigilan ang mapasinghap.

Am I starting to be brainwashed? Is this the start of me, a righteous person, becoming a rebel?

Sunod-sunod akong kumurap at pinakalma ang sarili. I need to understand that I'm confused, the reason why I'm conflicted. I need to understand that the unrighteousness that I'm experiencing right now is new to me, the reason why this is too much for my beliefs.

I shouldn't let this rebel painter's belief to sway me. I won't do that. That shouldn't happen.

Clearing my mind, I asked, "Then why are you doing this? Are you sick? Ano ba ang ginawa sa 'yo ng gobyerno?"

He shot me his spiteful eyes. Ngumiwi siya sa 'kin at walang pasensiyang sinuklay ang buhok. A few strands of his hair dropped onto his forehead. Sumandal siya sa upuan, paintbrush ang naka-ipit sa ilang daliri ng kanang kamay.

He rose his brow at me. "Hindi mismo ang gobyerno kun'di ang tatay kong politiko. Hindi mo alam 'yon, 'no? Masyado kang lulong sa sarili mong bula kaya bulag ka na sa mga nakapaligid sa 'yo. Mahirap talaga kapag inosente ka kahit harap-harap ka nang ginagago."

I maneuvered my breaths to calm myself. For all I know, he's trying to insult me! To push me to the edge so I'd give up this wall of mine! But I won't allow that. I won't ever allow that to happen. I won't forgive myself if that would happen. Mangyari na ang lahat, huwag lang ako makonekta sa mga rebelyon na nakikita ko.

"Senator Vernon Lagdameo."

Napatigil ako sa pagtingin sa ginagawa ni Atlas at napunta sa telebisyon kung saan naka-flash ang mukha ng isang politiko.

"You know why he left-"

"Quiet, Atlas."

Nakita ko ang pag-irap niya sa 'kin at ipinagpatuloy ang pagpipinta.

"Ano po ang masasabi niyo tungkol sa mga rebelyon na nangyayari ngayon?"

"Well, I can't associate myself with that, shouldn't I? You see, let the President handle it. I'm just a Senator. Pero, you see, I like how they're being open with the revolutions and all. They're creative, too! I like that."

"Are you against the rallies po, Senator?"

He chuckled and shook his head. "No. In fact, I am fond of them."

"Tingnan mo nga naman." Napalingon ako kay Atlas na nakatingin din pala sa TV. "Talking like that in front of the National TV? Sinong matinong senador ang magsasalita n'yan? S'yempre, hindi 'yang tatay ni Tres. Hindi naman matino tatay niya."

"What?"

He looked at me, dumbfounded. "Anong 'what'? Seryoso, hindi mo na naman alam?" He let out a mocking laugh. "That is his fucking father, Lavien!"

Vernon Lagdameo. Tres Lagdameo. So, his father is really a politician? Sa kan'ya ba nagmana si Tres sa kagustuhan sa rebolusyon? I wonder if his father is inclined to paintings, too...

"Sa tingin mo, bakit bigla-biglang ininterview ang tatay ni Tres e wala naman siyang koneksyon d'yan? Iba kaya kaso n'yan!"

"Because... he's a senator? He's relevant with that, right?"

Napanganga siya sa narinig ko. "Anak ng..."

Parang sobrang disappointed siya sa 'kin! What could I do? I became involved with this mess because of an accident! Is it my fault that he approached me? Sa pagkakatanda ko, siya ang unang lumapit sa 'kin dito sa Suite. It's his fault!

But I shouldn't point fingers, shouldn't I? I recently declared that I'll work my way through this mess. Righteously.

"Maiba nga tayo, Lavien. Sumasakit ulo ko sa 'yo." Bumuntong-hininga siya at iniligpit ang ilang gamit. "Kanina pa 'ko nandito, nangangalap ng chismis."

"So, you're like Gio?"

Ngumiwi ulit siya sa 'kin. "What? Wala akong pake sa alagad ni Tres."

I blinked after I realized what I said.

"Pero-"

"Gusto mo bang makinig sa sasabihin ko o hindi? And why are you here, anyway?"

I was about to speak but he raised his index finger, signaling me to be silent. Wala akong nagawa kun'di ikunot ang noo sa inaakto niya. This guy is confusing!

"Sinabi ni Tres sa Papa niya ang mga welgang nangyayari. His father's a corrupt politician, Lavien. And he came from a lineage of corrupt politicians. Paniguradong nagpapakilala lang si Tres dito dahil may plano siyang tumakbo sa national election. That guy's thinking is sick! Ilang araw na lang ang hihintayin bago manahimik ulit itong AEASR."

I stifled a laugh, ridiculed from what I heard. As much as I want to prove to him that his hunch is wrong, I don't want to step on his beliefs. I respect those. 

"But I'm sure that Tres just wanted to paint. Kitang-kita ko naman na dedicated talaga si Tres doon."

He rose his brow at me. Umismid siya at humalukipkip. "Umaakto siyang may gusto sa rebolusyon pero ang totoo, hindi. Pinepeke ka lang. And all of his friends? They're luring you into a trap, Lavien. Ang bulag mo para hindi makita 'yon."

Tres is acting as if he's fond of the revolution? Umaakto siya para makuha ang loob ng nakararami? Is it why Tres chose RCA as the College to finish his art course—to build connections? Knowing that he's a politician's son, that this school is full of politicians' children, and that this school is possibly a breeding ground of rebels, he thinks that this is a nice place to form his image?

He plans to run as a senator? It doesn't sound fitting. Why would he do that? What would he benefit from that? But what if... what if he doesn't want to benefit, at all? He just wants to run.

"But you said that I shouldn't associate myself with painters because I'll unconsciously drag myself into the revolution," I explained.

He tilted his head. "Bakit? Sino ba ang unang pintor mong nakilala?"

"You-"

"No, you're wrong. You met him first. You met his work first," seryoso niyang sabi, nakatitig sa 'kin.

I met his work first? Is that applicable? What is he even talking about? Everything in this conversation sounds so wrong!

Hindi makapaniwala ko siyang tiningnan. "You're playing with me. Kitang-kita ko sa mata ni Tres na gusto talaga niya ang pagpipinta!"

Pinigilan ko ang sarili na taasan pa ang boses. I know that he wants to coerce me into his belief—rebellion. He wants me to rebel with him! He wants me to throw away the righteousness that I have on hand!

"If a man of that character could make you believe that he's a dedicated painter, then you must be dumb to believe that he's also a dedicated rebel." He leaned back. "Lavien, he's toying with you—with us. Kapit siya sa leeg ng Papa niya."

Umiling ako, paniniwala ay na kay Tres pa rin.

But then, why am I believing in him so much? What is with him that allows me to trust in him? Is it because he gave me a taste of passion—and no one was able to give me that intensity—that's why I am fond of him? Fond of his words? Fond of his beliefs? Fond of his unrighteousness?

Mariin kong ipinikit ang mata at pinilit ang sarili na umalis mula sa mapanggulong pag-iisip ni Atlas. I could've known better than associating myself with this man—with the rebel itself, RAN.

But why? Why is Atlas rebelling through paintings?

"I'm sorry but I have no time for this. Naghahabol ako ng requirements. Don't drag me into this mess," saad ko, buo ang desisyon na huwag magpadala sa sinasabi niya.

His dark, prying eyes looked at me. Nangungutya pa nga. "But you've been dragged ever since you spoke to him."

Tinagpo ko ang kan'yang tingin. "I'm sorry, but I made the wrong choice of talking to you."

I was prepared to take my leave. I was prepared to leave him weeping in his failed attempt on dragging me into this mess.

But I was the one who failed.

"Lavien," tawag niya nang malagpasan ko. Napatigil ako sa paglalakad. "Your name was never in the Assembly's list."

❦

Pinilit ko ang sarili na huwag intindihin ang sinabi ni Atlas kanina. Ngunit, kahit anong pilit ko ay siya pa ring pagbalik nito sa utak ko.

My name was never in the Assembly's list. Sino ang nagsisinungaling sa kanilang dalawa ni Tres? I know Tres told me that there's a possibility for my name to be included in it but Atlas was the one who confirmed that he saw my name in the list. Now, Atlas is taking it back.

Sino ba ang nagsisinungaling sa kanilang dalawa?

Naiirita akong lumagpak mula sa pagbabalanse gamit ang Pointe shoes. I seethed a sharp word of annoyance as I removed the shoes from my feet. I'm out of focus, again!

Marahan kong hinaplos ang nangangalyong paa dahil sa ilang araw ng pagsusuot ng Pointe. I bit my lip and whimpered when I lightly bent my feet as the pain seeped through my body.

I love ballet, I sure do. This is a guilty pleasure that I'll have. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. No matter how difficult I find it going back to the league that I once loved, I'd never waste a second grieving for it. 

No matter how I hate cheat days and unrighteous pleasures, I'll wholeheartedly risk myself just to save them. Just to save the aspirants' dream. Just to save the upcoming dreams. Just to save the principles and let it flourish even more.

Because I knew how it hurts so much to be deprived of your dreams. I knew how hard it could break someone just because of this self-deprived field. Hindi ko pwedeng idamay ang mga bata sa pagiging masama ko sa sarili. It's either them or me, and I chose the former—I chose to save the kids.

At kung nandito si Tres para tanungin kung bakit ko ginagawa 'yon? I'll wholeheartedly tell him that I saw myself in them. Na kahit hindi ko ipagpatuloy ang pag-ba-ballet, tumulong naman ako sa pagtupad ng pangarap ng ilan. And my conscience would work its way towards me.

But my imagination regarding our debates has come to an end after I saw him returning back from nowhere. The passion-induced man, all in his mysterious glory, approached me in such a way I couldn't fathom.

At sa oras pa na nasa Pavlova ako. How did he know that I'm here?

"I need to talk to you." Were the first words he uttered. Balisang-balisa siya sa harapan ko pero hindi ko pinagtuonan ng pansin. After all, the series of these would end up in a debate.

I could remember what I felt when he first saw me dancing—how he clapped at me, how he stared at me, how he dominated me. He returned to my routines, once again. I felt all of those coming back. I hate it. Now, I'm back to square one.

Nakabanat ang isa kong paa habang ang isa ay nakatiklop. I only stared at him, cautious of his next movement because I know that he's someone who is unpredictable.

If Atlas' words are true, why would Tres lie about him? Hindi ba't ang pagsisinungaling ay mas nakasisira pa ng sistema? Hindi ba niya naiisip 'yon? Or is he too drowned with his own aspirations, the reason why he was unable to see it?

"Why are you here?"

Nairita ako sa sarili nang may lumabas na masama sa salita ko.

Politeness. Kindness.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga nang pumasok siya nang tuluyan sa Pavlova. He cautiously closed the ballet room's door and stayed near it while I sat at the center of the room.

I felt his eyes laying on me. "How are you, Lavien?"

Pinangunutan ko siya ng noo. Why does he look and sound so eager with his question? Is there something that I'm not aware of? Is there something that I should be cautious of?

He took a step forward. I watched him how he grazed the floor with his mysterious yet dominating beauty. Kahit nakatayo lang siya, iba pa rin ang dating ng tingin niya sa 'kin! I'm starting to hate his eyes. I'm starting to hate how mysterious and dominating it has become. Yet he still manages to see right through me? How could he possibly do that? 

Gusto ko na lang palayuin sa 'kin si Tres!

My heart beat rapidly when what's left is a few steps away from me. Pinigilan kong mapasinghap sa gulat habang pinananatili ang kalmadong postura.

He crouched down, his mysterious eyes leveling mine. Inikot pa niya ang tingin sa ginagawa ko, rason kung bakit bigla akong nahiya sa ginagawa. Embarrassed, I folded my legs to the edges of my comfort, securing myself from his future advances.

"You're dancing... again. Patingin ng paa mo."

"No."

Hinamon niya ako ng tingin. Nang umabante siya ay napaatras ako.

He rose his brow suggestively and let out a raspy chuckle. "Chill, Vien. Umuupo lang ako."

I blinked when I saw him sitting! Why is he playing with me?

His legs are crossed out in front of him that supported his form. Nakayapos din siya sa binti habang maliit na nakangiti sa 'kin. "How are you, Vien?"

I stared at him, confused at what he's trying to do. Is he trying to connect with me?

He chuckled, once again. He scooted closer but it was a bluff! Why is he playing with me?

"Chill out, Vien. I just really want to talk to you."

Nanatili pa rin ang tingin ko sa kan'ya. Why am I not convinced? Is it because of Atlas' words? If not, then why?

I gulped, finding his stare dominating. Kumurap muli ako. "W-why do you want to talk to me?"

Napa-iwas ako ng tingin nang mautal sa sinabi.

Narinig ko ang kan'yang pagbuntong-hininga. "Do you remember that I told you back then that I have an ill-minded father?" Nakita ko ang pagtingin niya sa 'kin. "Come on, Vien. Look at me. It's impolite to look away when you're talking to someone, isn't it?"

Mariin ko muling ipinikit ang mata bago ibinalik ang tingin sa kan'ya. When he saw what I did, he smiled at me. I was caught off-guard. 

Why is he smiling like that? Ang... aliwalas.

"There we go," nakangiti niyang saad. "You know what? I see myself in you, Lavien. At natatakot ako..."

He sees himself in me? What does he even mean? And with the trailing of his words, he sounded so unsure with what's happening. Within the span that I knew his existence, never in those times that I heard him unsure. Ngayon lang.

There must be something that's bugging his mind. I really want to know yet I refrained myself. I didn't want to drag myself deeper into this mess.

"Why are you scared, Tres? I've never heard you so unsure until this."

He smirked at me, malice starting to grow back into his hope. Naguguluhan ko siyang tiningnan nang mag-iba ang tingin niya sa 'kin. "Natatakot ako na masira ako at gan'yan ang kahihinatnan ko."

Umawang ang aking bibig. What does he mean? He's scared that he'll turn into someone like me? What does he mean by 'you'? How deprived I am? How drained I am?

"Why are you talking like that?" I asked, confused. Umismid lang siya. "I knew you to be someone who is so sure with everything! So sure with his passion! What happened, Tres?"

Imbes na mairita sa sinabi ko ay natuwa pa siya! Seriously, what is wrong with him? When he licked his lower lip, it brought out the playfulness I didn't think he has!

"Ah, finally. You've grown your interest in me," nakangisi niyang sabi.

Lalong lumalim ang pagtataka ko dahil sa paraan ng paninitig niya sa 'kin. What is he trying to do? What is he going to do next? His actions are confusing me. He is confusing me!

"Tres-"

"You knew me that way but you didn't bother looking through it."

I felt hidden remorse among his words. Why?

"Are you-"

"Lavien," seryoso niyang sabi at bahagyang umabante.

Hindi ako makagalaw sa titig niya. The way how his stare is holding me captive continued to lull me into confusion. Like how darkness captured Odette and turned her into Odile. It's too mysterious for me—too overwhelming. I knew I was overwhelmed and I only want an ounce of that, not too much.

Because with Tres Lagdameo, everything's overwhelming.

"I want you to know that I'm overwhelmed.. by you, but I can't have two things at once." He continued his dominating stare at me. Naramdaman ko pang inikot niya ang tingin sa kabuoan ng aking mukha.

When I realized that he's planning to move closer, I abruptly stood up. Kalmado siyang nag-angat ng tingin sa 'kin na parang walang nangyari. Hindi ko alam kung bahagyang nagdilim ang mata niya o namalikmata lang ako.

"I-I'm sorry but I can't help you with your problem," saad ko at dali-daling kinuha ang gamit, marahas ang tibok ng puso.

I strode towards the door just so I could escape from his presence. It's too overwhelming! I am unable to think what to do! And the fast beat of my heart is not helping, either. It felt like I was held captive under his graze.

He's making me believe that I have control over myself. He's making me believe that he hasn't infiltrated my system. Those are what he wants me to believe yet I knew what's the truth. I knew what's has been happening.

I knew... what this is.

"You're being too hard, Lavien," he said, forcing me to stop. "You're being too hard for me."

I stared at him and found his dark eyes alluring.

What is with him?