ACT TEN

ODE FOR THE DWELLING

It lasted for a week or so. I was busy creating hindrance towards my forced development of passion while he's busy developing his love-stricken passion. Tuwing nakikita ko si Tres na seryosong-seryosong nagpipinta, hindi ko mapigilang humanga. His eyes are so trained towards his canvas that even though I placed a cup of coffee beside his palette, he didn't notice it.

As much as I hate hanging out with him, he gives me ideas on how to design the costume that I'm working on. Marami siyang nadadagdag sa mga detalye at sa dami ng mga 'yon ay nagawa niyang pag-isahin.

It must've felt good to have passion and ideas as strong as his. It feels like if I have his mind, I won't have any struggles in figuring out my recently-found "passion". Parang magiging flexible ako sa mga larangang gusto kong subukan.

With the few weeks that I have spent with him, I can't help knowing some pieces of his personality. Madaldal siya tuwing painting ang pinag-uusapan. Kapag naman tinatrabaho niya ang painting niya, nakahihiyang kausapin kasi parang iirap siya o sasamaan ng tingin ang mga taong manggugulo sa kan'ya.

That's why I'm being okay with his company... for now. I just hope that he won't have his dominion over me to push me to pursue ballet, again. That's the most fearful thing that I dreaded when I decided that we could work together.

Nakakukuha naman ako ng inspirations mula kay Tres—and he has a lot of those inside his mind which I'm very, very thankful of. It just feels good being around him, as much as I hate it. I don't want to praise him because I hate passion-induced people but he has his ways to be someone who is remarkable. For that, I respect him, a reason why he's slightly excluded from my hatred towards them.

Pero hindi pa rin matatanggal ang inggit ko sa kan'ya. Mananatili 'yon hanggang sa dulo.

In the first three days, Tres usually visits me at the Couture Room where I'm creating drafts. He visits after classes. Nakatitig lang siya noong una sa tulle habang iniikot ang mata sa paligid. Paminsan-minsan ay magtatanong tungkol sa history ng fashion design pero wala naman akong maisagot dahil ballet ang nasa utak ko.

It happens that I'm researching for a ballerina's costume because I am deeply studying its anatomy. Tinuturo naman tuwing klase pero nagdadagdag pa rin ako sa sarili ng kaalaman bukod sa sinasabi ng Head.

On the fourth day, he didn't visit, which I am grateful for. There were times that I was overwhelmed with his presence. Add the mere fact that some of the girls could possibly create gossip and make my stay here even more suffocating.

As a matter of fact, I don't care if I get issued with RCA's Golden Boy. I don't bother myself with their insights. I used to care a lot about what they say when I was young. Nakatatak kasi sa utak ko na anak ako ng Prima Ballerina at dapat ayusin ko ang ginagawa kun'di mapahihiya si Mama. Now that the situation is very different from before, I am somehow thankful that this happened. I don't care that much anymore but I still respect what they're thinking about.

My only problem is when this issue reaches the Dean. Kapag nakasasama ko sila sa additional painting class ko, nalalaman ko na may kaonting hilig sila ay RAN.

Not that I hate RAN or anything, but because of their interest, once an issue correlating the rebel painter to Tres and his friends, I might get affiliated. The Dean will think that I'm an accomplice—that I'm silently rebelling against the movement, which is not true. Sumasama lang ako kay Tres dahil pinaki-usapan niya ako.

At first, I strictly objected to his plea. A few moments later, I remembered: who am I to deprive someone of their love? I deprived myself of that and I should only do that to myself, the reason why I agreed later on. Ayaw ko na rin naman kasing makipagtalo pa kaya bumigay na 'ko.

I've declared myself guilty since then, I don't want to add another.

"Musta naman painting na binili mo? Hindi mo pa nabubuksan, 'no?" pang-aasar ni Zoren habang nagpipinta.

I thought that I'm not going to sit between the two of them anymore—that the setup was like that because I am uninformed about the arrangement. Ngayon na ilang beses na akong uma-attend ng additional art class, gano'n pa rin ang pwesto—pinagigitnaan ko pa rin silang dalawa.

Apparently, Zoren happened to, somehow, sneak himself away from the hatred I got towards the passion-induced people. Mabait naman siya. Easygoing. Friendly and approachable, too. Madalas nga lang niyang inaasar si Tres dahil wala sigurong magawa?

"At anong kulay ang binili mo no'n? Oil paints na hindi mo naman ginagamit sa project mo ngayon. Tamang flex lang, gano'n?" his friend added.

I sat quietly between the two of them as I paint. We were asked to paint a pink sunset with visible blotches of clouds. Nag-tutorial kanina at pina-rerecreate na lang ngayon.

There were times that I am questioning Zoren's presence during my additional painting class. I'm sure that his skills are ahead of the techniques that are being taught. Maybe he's just refreshing his memories so he could incorporate it into his project afterwards?

I used to do that... joining dancing classes to teach the lower years. Gano'n ang ginagawa ni Tres. Wala lang talagang magawa si Zoren kaya siguro nandito.

Sumilip si Zoren sa canvas ko at tumango-tango. He pointed with his lips the blotch of pink paint on the palette. "Gamitin mo yung pucha pink. Tanda ko noong elem, hirap na hirap akong i-pronounce 'yan."

"You don't even need fuchsia, Zoren. That's salmon pink," sagot ni Tres bago itinutuloy ang project niya.

"Magkakaiba ng style, Tres, 'wag ka nga."

I settled myself with silence as I finished my painting. I forgot the terms that they kept on using so I settled with swish, dab, and blend. Though I'm not sure if they use those jargons especially the word 'swish'. Parang ang weird pakinggan.

Zoren's rectangular canvas filled with textures illuminating light caught my attention. The way how the model's dress illuminated light reminded me of the satin fabric—sheer, illuminating, and fancy. The woman is sitting at her Victorian-inspired sofa with her crossed legs that defined her figure especially the fabric's material against the light. She is wearing her light pink satin dress and the way how Zoren illuminated the light made it look like it's alive.

"A Study on Fabrics: Satin," sabi niya. "Ano yung kay Tres? Tulle?"

I nodded before adding white on some of the light areas of the clouds to make it pop—make it more alive.

"A ballerina costume, to be specific. The details before the bigger one. The more defined it is, the more alive it would look. Vittorio Reggianini's, yes?"

Humalakhak si Zoren. "La Soiree, oo. Hate to admit it but Reggianini's name sounds appetizing. Parang parmigiano-reggiano."

"Gutom ka lang. Kumain ka na lang pagkatapos. Baka puro cheese i-paint mo," masungit na sabi ni Tres bago pinagpatuloy ang webbed texture ng tulle.

Siniko ako ni Zoren at tinaas-baba ang kilay. "May satin ka ba sa kwarto mo? Baka naman."

I only stared at him in disbelief. One, I'm not sure how would I act because there's something going on.

"La Coquette is easier because the model's alone."

"'But what's easier isn't the easiest task', sabi mo. At naaral ko na 'yon! Parang naging muscle memory na nga dahil ilang beses ko nang pinipinta. Iba naman para may diversity."

Tres only smirked at his friend. Zoren groaned.

Buong durasyon na ginagawa ni Zoren ang painting niya ay nakanguso siya. Minsan ay nakikita kong tinatagilid niya ang ulo at hinahanap kung saan tatama ang ilaw.

"Mahirap ba i-paint ang satin?"

He nodded. "Yung light source kasi kailangang i-consider. Grabe pa naman mag-reflect 'yang telang 'yan. Sakit sa ulo. Mas madali bang i-drawing na lang 'yun? Ikaw ba, nakagamit ka na ng satin sa drawing mo?"

I nodded. "For me, it's much easier than painting. I commonly use alcohol markers then nile-layer ko lang—usually two or three colors. I usually use white gel pens to make it pop. Dumadagdag sa pag-rereflect ng light."

Parang lalo siyang bumusangot sa sinabi ko. "Yung velvet ba, gano'n din? Medyo madali lang din?"

"May binabago lang na technique pero medyo similar pa rin."

The instructor announced the remaining three minutes before the class ends. Tinapos ko na ang painting at pipirmahan na lang sa baba.

Zoren sighed. "Nasisiyahan ka ba sa ginagawa mo? Drawing, putol ng tela, tahi..."

My hand stopped mid-air. I froze on my seat.

The question disarmed me. I didn't know that I'll be attacked by the six-words sentence. Parang binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig dahil do'n.

Am I happy with what I'm doing? I don't need myself to answer that. I know what my answer is, I'm too scared to recall it again.

Tahimik kong tinapos pirmahan ang pininta at niligpit ang gamit. Nakita ko na natigilan din si Tres sa ginagawa niya at napalingon din sa banda ko. Zoren, on the other hand, looked utterly confused.

"Shit, sorry-"

"What happened?"

I only smiled at them and shook my head. Isinukbit ko ang bag sa balikat at dahan-dahang inalis ang canvas mula sa easel.

"Lavien-"

"Sorry, something came up," nakatungo kong sabi habang dali-daling umalis sa painting class.

I ran away from the building and headed straight to my room. I immediately locked the door before plunging my body towards the comfort of my bed. My tears immediately escaped from my eyes as I drowned myself with guilt and sadness.

I can't bear this anymore. This emotional torment has been killing me and so far, I've been keeping up. Ang tanong lang talaga ni Zoren ang nakasira sa pag-iisip kong 'yon.

How could those neatly-arranged words damage me so much? Because it affected me a lot? Because I'm not happy with what I'm doing? Pinipilit ko namang maging masaya kasi ito ang pinili ko. Sinusubukan ko namang mahalin pero bakit kailangang ipamukha sa 'kin na hindi ako nasisiyahan dito?

This is the last try, right, Lavien? After this ballet project, you'll completely detach yourself from ballet. Kahit ano pang mangyari—kahit ano pa ang magtulak sa 'yo pabalik do'n, hinding-hindi ka bibigay.

You have your principles. You have your stand. You respect your decision and what matters the most is the welfare of your mother. Siya na lang ang mayroon ka ngayon, bakit bibitawan mo pa? Endure the pain because you're the one who inflicted this towards your family.

Magdusa ka.

❦

"Miss Sevilja, please head to the Admin."

Natigilan ako sa paglalakad papunta sa next class nang in-announce ang pangalan ko sa intercom. I immediately felt the prying eyes of the students especially those ballerinas who happened to pass by. With their mocking laughs, they giggled past me. Hindi pa nagpahuli ang babaeng nang-insulto sa 'kin noong isang araw.

"Aw, kawawang Little Prima Ballerina," she mocked before leaving.

Confused about what happened, I made my way towards the Admin. Tahimik akong nagdarasal na hindi ko sana makabunggo si Tres o kaya si Zoren ngayong araw.

I was lucky yesterday because, after my painting class, I didn't have any scheduled classes. Tinapos ko na lang ang iba pang kakailanganin sa costume dahil malapit na ang pagta-try on noon. Ilang detalye na lang ang idadagdag ko at tapos na. I have already finished the tutu skirt because it is requested by the oh-so-holy passion-induced man.

Excused naman siguro ako sa susunod na klase.

Once I arrived at the Admin, I recalled how I wondered my eyes around its majesty on my first arrival at this College. I enrolled myself alone. I busied myself admiring the architecture of the French-Victorian-inspired lounge and office during that time. Ngayon na nakabalik na ulit ako rito, hindi ko pa rin maiwasan ang mamangha dahil sa interior design.

The couches are Victorian-inspired with prints resembling royalty. Even the ambiance it gives off screamed luxury and elegance. Iisa ang tema ng interior design ng mga school affairs building.

The woman gestured me inside the Admin. The Admin Head is sitting at her marvelous chair before gesturing me to sit at the two chairs in front of her table. I sat before I listened to her words.

"Your mother..."

Bigla akong kinabahan. She's fine when I left.

"Ano po ang problema?"

Inalis niya ang salamin na nakapatong sa ilong at hinilot ang sentido. "Your mother wants you home, the reason why I'm sending you back. You are excused from your classes."

Naguguluhan ko siyang tiningnan. "Is she having her panic attacks? Binabangungot pa rin po ba?"

"No. If you please... susunduin ka ng driver niyo. Pinauuwi ka na agad."

I heaved a deep breath. "Ilang araw po ang excused ako?"

She gave me a curtly smile. "Maximum of a week. Kung mag-eexceed, state your reason."

❦

Once I got outside the car, I immediately headed straight to the stairs. Madali na akong umaakyat ng hagdan nang tinawag ako sa baba. Umiling ako ngunit nakita ko si Tita Alessandra kaya sumunod ako sa kan'ya sa kusina.

She looks tensed and frightened. Mabilis akong tumakbo sa kan'ya at yumakap. She let out a small batch of exhaustion before detaching her arms from my back.

"Tita, ano po ang nangyari?"

She firmly closed her eyes before giving me her cellphone. It flashed a report about striking news in the field of ballet.

Hindi ako makagalaw mula sa pwesto nang makita ang nakangiting mukha ni Elvera Fajardo. She got interviewed by a talk show host in order to endorse her upcoming act that is scheduled weeks from now. She's wearing a simple pair of ballet outfit—leotards and tights—as she spoke enthusiastically.

"...this is your next biggest act after you got the Prima Ballerina title, Ms. Fajardo. How are you preparing for this?"

"Since I was recently declared as a Prima Ballerina, of course, may minodify sa routine ko. Nothing much was changed, naging intense lang lalo since I'm the center of the act."

"Swan Lake is the break that gave you the title. Ano po ang masasabi niyo?"

I don't know why I am frightened when she stared at the camera and flashed an indifferent smile—a smile that is meant for my mother.

"Truly, Swan Lake is an act that could make or break you. As a ballerina who got this prestigious title similar to the Prima Ballerina that I followed, I could say nothing less. Manood na lang kayo ng act ko next, next week para malaman niyo kung gaano ako kagaling!"

The host laughed. "Thank you, Ma'am! And that is Ms. Fajardo for her words about her next act! Follow her..."

Nanghihinang umupo si Tita sa bar stool at ininom ang baso ng tubig sa tabi niya. I carried the same expression as hers because I couldn't get my mind off her.

"Your mother saw the news... Pumunta ako dahil nakita ko ang balita tungkol kay Elvera. No one was answering my calls so I decided to check up on her. One of the new maids was watching it on the television. Narinig na ng Mama mo. Nagalit siya noong inilipat kaya pinapanood na ang lahat. The maids said that she threw a fit when a picture and a video of Elvera wearing your mother's Swan Lake costume flashed."

"But her Swan Lake costume is custom-made! Hindi naman po ipinamigay ni Mama ang costume niya."

"Greedy as she is, she imitated the costume of your mother. Kaya nagwala ang mommy mo. Dumagdag pa na Prima Ballerina na rin si Elvera."

Mariin kong ipinikit ang mata at pinigilan ang iyak. I could imagine my mother's wails as she saw how everything is being taken away from her. Her title and then her costume...

What's next? The figure? Sumisikip ang dibdib ko, iniisip ko pa lang.

I'm too hurt for my mother.

"H-how is she?" I asked, trying to refrain my voice from cracking.

She sighed. "On anesthesia. Hindi kumalma si Ariadne. No choice. She's asleep now."

Naiyak na ako nang marahang hinatak ni Tita ang katawan ko at ipinatong ang ulo ko sa kan'yang dibdib. Her soft touch on my head and lovely caress on my back tried its best to calm me.

"Will she cry once she wakes up?"

"I hope not, sweetie. I hope not..."

I waited for a few minutes before my cries settled. Umalis ako sa pagkayayakap kay Tita at pinalis ang mga luhang natira sa pisngi. Uminom ako ng tubig na inabot ng isang maid bago bumuntong-hininga.

"Pupuntahan ko po si Mommy."

She smiled at me before nodding.

Sumisinghot habang nanginginig ang tuhod ay umakyat ako sa hagdan. Dahan-dahan kong iniapak ang paa sa kahoy para damdamin ang kabang dumadaloy sa katawan. If she wasn't asleep right now, I'll expect her wails. That was her reaction a few days after the death of my father.

I was a curious young child. My mother being the understanding and open-minded she is, she told me things about the events she and my father had. Kasama na ro'n si Elvera Fajardo, the envious ballerina. She was my father's ex-lover before he decided that things between them are not working out so he left her and married my mother.

I could hear Tita Alessandra saying, "She's still the same jealous Elvera Fajardo I know."

My hand touched the cold knob of my mother's room before I decided to turn it and proceeded to push the door open.

Nakita ko agad si Mommy na mahimbing na natutulog sa kan'yang kama. Her thin figure was hidden under a thick comforter. When I got nearer, I could see the struggles in her face. There are traces of her tears resembling the pain that she mustered earlier. Kung didilat siguro si Mommy, paniguradong namumula ang mata niya.

My eyes heated up, again. I couldn't bear seeing my mom like this. Iniingat-ingatan ko si Mommy tapos ang appearance lang pala ni Elvera Fajardo ang makasisira sa kan'ya.

Nakatulog ako sa paghihintay sa paggising ni Mommy. Naramdaman ko ang haplos sa ulo at ang marahan niyang pag-ungot.

"Lavi..."

I immediately shot my head up and saw my mother shifting from her bed. Dilat na ang mata niya at pansin ko ang pamumugto ng mga 'yon. I forced a smile before I kissed her hand.

"Kamusta po kayo?"

"I'm sorry you have to go home..."

I sucked a deep breath. "For your welfare, 'My. Bakit ko naman po kayo pababayaan?"

Ang pagngiti ni Mommy ay unti-unting nauwi sa ngiwi at nagtungo sa iyak. Pumorma ang mukha niyang naiiyak. Ang bibig ay nakabuka na. I hugged her tightly and assured her that everything would pass.

"She- she took everything from me!"

Humahapdi na ang lalamunan ko. Sumisikip ang dibdib ko.

"My costume- my costume, Vien! My costume! T-that's custom-made and she- she!"

Her voice is becoming loud. Kaonting lakas pa ay paniguradong may aakyat na rito at pakakalmahin ulit si Mommy.

My mother's hand crumpled my shirt. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagtitimpi niya sa pagkuyom na 'yon at hindi ko masisi si Mommy. Wala akong nagawa kun'di intindihin siya sa sakit na dinadala niya.

"Kinuha niya ang lahat... the title... the attire... don't tell me- don't tell me that she's going to imitate me wholly!" Her body shook as she tried to sit. "Lavien, I won't allow that! I won't allow that! I need to leave! I need to confront her!"

"Mommy, stop na po..."

"Lavi, no! I won't allow that! That's my dream! My passion! My goal! To think that she's this close imitating me-"

The door shot open. Nakita ko kaagad ang nag-aalalang mukha ni Tita Alessandra. Dinaluhan niya kami bago yakapin si Mommy. Napaatras ako dahil sa simula ng pagwawala ni Mommy. Naiiyak na lang ako habang pinanonood sila.

Tita is years older than my mother and she acts as mom's second mother. Ayaw nilang pag-alalahanin sina Lola kaya si Tita ang madalas na bumibisita kay Mommy. Nakasanayan ko na ring tawaging Tita dahil bata pa siya noong una kong nakita. Ayaw rin niyang matawag na Lola kasi tunog matanda.

"Hija, calm down... calm down..."

"Hindi ko matanggap! I need to stop her! That is me that she's wearing!"

Tita Alessandra gestured me to leave. Aapila na sana ako ngunit dumating na ang isang home nurse na may dalang gamot.

Lumapit ako sa kan'ya at hinawakan ang balikat. "Please... please take care of her."

Crying, I left my mother's room. Her wails continuously filled my ears as I proceed to my room. My heart is filled with agony within the span of my trip. Mabilis kong sinara ang pinto at napasandal na lang habang mariin kong ikinuyom ang kamay sa buhok.

Kung alam ko lang na ganito ang kahihinatnan ng pag-peperform ko noon, hindi ko na sana tinuloy pa. I should've been contented with the position that I have back then! I should've been satisfied with the praises that I've received.

But there is really no cure to a human's satisfaction, right? It would forever be endless—without an end... nothing could sate the thirst of a person that's greedy be it good or bad unless the end would define its limits. Death.

❦

The next day, I went to the garden and allowed myself to bathe with the glorious light coming from the sun. I stretched my arms and let the light seep through the gaps of my fingers as its majesty blinds me with its shine. I closed my eyes and allowed my skin to be touched by the rays of the sun—to feel its warmth, to be satisfied with what I'm having now.

I let out heavy, steady breaths as I listen to the chirps of the bird, the hymn of the wind, and the notes in the air. I imagined myself dancing to a famous classical piece at this humble greenery where I could be myself. My feet, slowly taking those calculated steps with my Pointe. My form molded into a disciplined state. My body emanating grace.

With Bourrée steps, I circled the fountain in the middle of the garden. The birds, flapping their wings, flocking away from the top of its feeder. Their chirps settling at a nearby tree before deciding that it's time to leave.

I could imagine myself leaping like a cat—saut de chat—and landing with precision. I'll do fouettés and end with an arabesque.

Then I opened my eyes.

There were times, within the span of my heartache, where I wished to be financially-deprived so it could be the reason why I'm refraining myself from doing ballet. I just hope that it could be that easy where I could find ways on how to earn money and just get along with it.

In my case, it isn't. I am the one who's restraining myself. I have all the resources. I'm good at ballet. I'm confident. I'm able. I'm disciplined. I have the traits that are needed to pursue this league.

But I'm not doing it for the sake of my mother.

Bigla akong nagsisi sa panaginip ko kanina. Me, dancing ballet at my house's garden where the Sevilja Ballet Room could be seen? Nakatatawa ka. Ayan ba ang iaakto mo pagkatapos magwala ng Mommy mo kahapon? I-didisregard mo na agad ang iyak niya kahapon?

What a shame. You're so heartless! Iyan pala ang isusukli mo.

I can't help laughing at myself. Kaawa-awa ka.

❦

When I left, two days after, I found myself walking towards the pained path of my dreams. Some voice is calling me to proceed to my second home and continuously torment myself with my abandoned dream.

To hear the notes once again.

To hear the instructions once again.

To hear the beat of my heart once again.

Suminghap ako habang naglalakad papunta sa ballet studio. I could clearly remember the last time that I went here, a few days ago. The Golden Boy was here to "accompany" me and give back my promise ring. Iniwan ko na lang sa bahay ang singsing dahil takot na akong mawala pa 'yon.

That's the last thing my father gave me... the last hope of my dreams... and I couldn't wear it anymore because I have abandoned it.

Nang papalapit na ako sa studio ay may nakita akong dalawang taong nag-aaway sa harap. Ang isa ay pormal na pormal sa unipormeng suot habang ang isa ay casual na suot ang polo shirt. Engaged in a heated fight, I covered my mouth in shock when I familiarized the one in the polo shirt.

The old ballet instructor.

Humahapdi ang dibdib ko sa nakikita. Naaalala ko pa kung paano ako alagaan ng mga instructor sa studio. Naninita kung kailangan. Pinupuri kapag maganda ang gawa. That was the routine that I experienced at the studio. Though it torments me a lot, I knew that pursuing it is worth it. All the blisters and sores that I got are the signs that I've been practicing to ace this art—to be someone who could be competent in performing this art. That once you've seen me performing it, you'll think that you want to do it, too.

The extreme hold of grace and dedication towards the pursuance of passion has been the most satisfying drug that I've taken.

To hear the applause.

To hear the praises.

But it saddened me to declare that I can't do it anymore. No matter how much I'm missing them—how much I want to hug the ballet instructor that is crying in front of his studio when the executive man left...

Their heated fight ended with the old man's cry and the man's passive face. He didn't care about anything. He got his job done before leaving in his car.

Gusto kong yakapin ang ballet instructor na una kong naging instructor noong bata. Gustong-gusto kong i-comfort at sabihin na magiging maayos ang lahat. Na aayon na ang lahat.

I know it won't. I might not know what they fought for earlier but I am sure that it pained him a lot. It tormented him a lot.

I'm sorry, pero baka po hindi na ako makabalik.