ACT ONE

THE LUST FOR THE THEATER

I've always wanted to be a ballerina like my mom. The strong grasp of her form and the preciseness of her elegance whenever she lands with her feet always captures prime and devotion. A passion she developed while young helped me incur knowledge and abhor failures through the steps of time. An inch of her movement, pliés, a hint of Pas de Deux at some point, and another land with her Pointes shoes. Ballet didn't fail to capture my interest whenever practiced and performed.

"Pointe work there... Graceful movements."

The humble abode of soft-spoken instructions with meaning and grace on every fold. The soft classical music dancing and filling the voids of the air. The graceful movements on the surface of the cold ground. Every movement my mother makes always leaves me stricken in awe on how her form, at such age, breed her into a fine figure she is.

"A B-plus. Don't forget hinging the foot when doing the arabesque, Ariadne..."

My mother's form while she balances herself with a foot using her pointe shoes before gradually moving to another position is a performance before her eyes. Bawat pitik ng braso at pwesto ng arko ng paa ni Mommy ay inaaral ko sa bawat oras na nagsasagawa ng practice sa ballet room ng mansion.

Hinabol ko ang sunod-sunod na ikot ni Mommy habang pinakikinggan ang pamilyar na pamilyar na musika. The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. They say that it is one of the hardest ballet performances because the Swan Lake with 32 fouettés—or whipped turns—would always be at the top of the tier. Mama's pale pink tutu that is hugging her waist was fluid on her precise movements.

Turns and turns and turns and turns... I lost count when she ended the performance with a very, very strong yet relaxed form. With her one foot pointing at the back and the other flat on the ground with her pointe shoes. Her one arm in a strict arch on the top of her head and her other arm resting at a 90 degree where her fingers feathered the strength towards her tips. Every movement of Ariadne Felix always reeks of grace, elegance, and power—traits that I am aiming for so I could be a ballerina like her.

Napangingiti ako sa dulo ng bawat performances ni Mama. Whenever she did her thing with her pointed toes while leaving the stage, I would automatically give her applause to reveal that I appreciated the hard work she developed through years and years of practice.

Ngumiti ang matandang ballet instructor ni Mommy na si Alessandra Baclaro. She became Mommy's instructor when she joined the same ballet company as hers. During Mommy's professional years, Tita Alessandra is there because she is also one of the principal ballet instructors. When Mama had me, she continued dancing but her schedule is quite different from when she was in her youth. Gusto ni Mommy na magkaroon ng maraming oras kasama ako pati na rin si Daddy to relieve off the years she spent between ballet and sleep.

Having a prima ballerina mother is one of the dreams for every aspiring ballerina. I am happy that I am one of the lucky ones. At a young age of four years old, I pursued my once-admiration-turned-to-passion called ballet. Tuwing nakikita ko si Mommy na sumasayaw sa dance room na ipinagawa ni Daddy, hindi ko mapigilang humanga sa pagiging istrikto ng galaw niya kahit walang umaaligid na tugtog. A muscle memory, she said.

When my parents realized that my dream is to be a professional ballerina, they enrolled me at a local ballet school minutes away from our home. It's one of the best, my parents said. There, I molded my youth into grace and exchange my playtimes with strict routines. Bata pa lang ako ay alam ko na ang kahalagahan ng oras, pahinga, at disiplina. Ilan sa mga pinakamahalagang itinuturo ng ballet.

For others, they would see this as an eternal torment until I land at a ballet company. To me, it was a dream. Practicing for years and years to achieve the first perfection and sign an apprenticeship under a company, but it doesn't stop there. The next goal is to be a prima ballerina of the company. Titles and awards would follow otherwise.

Waking up at six for ballet school. Arriving to stretch my body for flexibility which also conditions my juvenile body for the routines to be performed the whole day. Ang ballet barre ang nagsisilbing lakas ko tuwing nanginginig ang hita dahil sa nakamamanhid na pagbabanat ng muscles o 'di kaya'y ngalay mula sa brasong kanina pa nakataas dahil sa paulit-ulit na utos ng instructor.

The usual stretching routine targets flexibility for the body—a very important aspect needed by ballerinas. With my pale pink ballerina slippers coating my young feet, I bent my legs wrapped with pink tights for a plié. Standing straight, my hand holding the ballet barre while the other is bent in front of my body. Losing the strictness, I precisely pushed my arm outward the same time I bent my knees outward for a seemingly-usual step in ballet.

Isang maling hulma ng hita ay mapapansin na agad ng napakabait na ballet instructor. Patience and determination are some of the keys when pursuing ballet. The repetition of routines is a must for it to be etched and called muscle memory.

The plié is followed by the demi plié and a grand plié. The demi is the bending of the knees like the plié but it is much smaller bend followed by a grand that is much bigger. For stamina and resistance for the legs, the feet, and the arms, they said.

Grand battement is like the stretching of the legs. Marahan ang hawak sa ballet barre bago ibanat ang kanang hitang naka-point ang paa pataas na huhulma ng diretsong linya, ibabalik sa dating pwesto, bago ulitin sa gilid at likod. Isusunod ang kaliwang hita, ang kanang kamay ay hahawak sa barre, at magbabanat muli para ihanda ang sarili sa pagtatalon.

A series of lunges is performed for the development of the thighs and to practice the form. Tuwing idadala ang sarili sa ere ay kailangan ang istrktong porma ng kamay at hulma ng mga hita upang maging kaaya-aya habang kinakalaban ng katawan ang hila ng mundo.

The constant state of repetitions, instructions, stretching, break, and performing another round of routines. It basically sums up my day as an aspiring professional ballerina. With the help of my mom who is a prima ballerina, my dreams to be like her doesn't seem to be blurry as I wait for the future. With constant abiding by the routines and getting the discipline inside my head, my aspiration and passion won't slip in my hands.

Nagpakawala ako ng tili nang makita si Mommy na tumutugtog sa makintab at maitim na grand piano sa loob ng ballet room. I saw my juvenile form jumping in excitement from the floor-length mirror plastered on all sides of the wall. I hurriedly jumped beside my mother who is busy demanding a sound from the white and black keys she keeps on pressing.

"Do you know what piece is this, Lavien?" she asked with a gentle smile on her elegant face.

My curious eyes continuously followed the movement of her fingers on the white before continuously pressing on the black isle. Her moves were precise as if she was playing the piece for so long, she couldn't forget it. Mabagal, nakahahalina, at nakaaantok. It's a piece that was etched in the back of my mind since then but it was only today that I got the chance to hear it outside the realms of my wonders.

"Edith Piaf..."

"Edith what?"

My mother nodded her face that was molded into pure elegance. The soft smile that radiates throughout my childhood was kept on her gentle lips.

"Edith Piaf's La Vie En Rose..."

"La Vie, what, Mom? Lavien? You're playing me?"

She giggled at me before finishing the piece. I frowned when the last note died and left the air of silence. Disappointed with the lack of soothing notes in the air, I desperately pressed on the notes, trying to remember the same class my mother picked.

"Life in pink. Life in happy hues. Life seen through happy lenses. Life in rosy hues."

My frown grew deeper. "You like pink, 'Ma? I thought it's not your favorite! I thought white is your favorite because of Swan Lake."

Ngumiti pa lalo si Mommy bago ayusin ang nakatirik kong baby hair. Earlier, my hair was pulled into a tight bun before I dressed up into one of the costumes that my mother customized for our terno. What my mother's costume has, Lavien gets. We're inseparable. A ballerina by blood. And today, I am wearing the red costume that she got when she performed her Firebird.

"Lavien, do you know that you're named after this piece?" tanong niya bago pumindot muli ng puti at itim sa piano. Ngumuso ako habang sinusundan ko ang sunod-sunod na paglilikha ng tugtog sa ere.

I tugged on my mother's white, flowy dress in an attempt to catch her attention before she drifted into her musical world. With her soft hands, she placed my hands on the pieces she disturbed earlier. Nanlaki ang aking mata nang marinig ang pamilyar na piyesang tinutugtog niya kanina.

"Teach me more! Teach me more!"

Sa mga sumunod na araw, patuloy ang pagpapaturo ko kay Mommy ng piece na kapangalan ko. After ballet classes, I hurriedly removed my sticky outfit before stepping into a quick shower. With fast yet graceful movements like a Firebird my mother is, I skipped towards the dance room and opened the door. I stopped when I saw them performing a scene I saw at The Nutcracker, the piece that I've been aiming to ace ever since Mama performed it.

Daddy guided my mom by holding her by her waist. Their movement was clean in my eyes as I saw them glide through the stage. A mixture of perfection, love, and elegance filled my line of sight whenever Daddy held my mother high up in the air and graciously helping her bend the body backward. As they ended their short performance with an arabesque, I immediately clapped my hands. Pointing my feet with strict and precise steps, I allowed myself to perform pas de bourrée couru towards them.

Habang ginagawa ko ay naka-alalay sina Mommy kung sakaling mawalan ako ng balanse. Natatawa akong lumapit nang sinalo nila ako sa ambang pagkatumba. Daddy pat my hair before lifting me up in the air which caused me to squeal. I giggled and imitated the form my mother did earlier before he landed me safely on the ground.

"What are you doing po? Hindi ko po alam na magaling mag-dance si Daddy!"

Lefrov Sevilja is one of the people who are interested in classical performances. Mama said that Papa happened to be watching her first performance, Romeo and Juliet, when he fell in love with her. Mama is the Juliet that's why Papa immediately adored her and build a family. I was curious why I saw another picture of a woman in Papa's wallet but Mama told me that the woman was just a mutual friend. Renalie Narvaez was her name and they were once friends but she drifted away. Hindi nabanggit ni Mommy kung bakit pero nararamdaman ko na ayaw na pag-usapan ang tungkol do'n.

"I hired an instructor so that I could pas de deux, darling," halakhak ni Daddy bago sumilip kay Mommy.

"What's pas de deux po?"

Hinalikan ni Daddy ang sentido ni Mommy at ngumiti. "It's French for 'step of two'. Sasayaw ng may ka-partner."

"You performed The Nutcracker, 'di po ba? Ang galing-galing po!"

Daddy crouched and leveled my eyesight. I beamed a smile when he patted my head. "I heard from your Mom that you want to dance it. I was inspired, so I tried. Sana na-inspire ka pa lalo ro'n, Lavien."

I nodded enthusiastically before leaping towards the piano. I heard their calm warnings of my possibility to fall. Gladly, I didn't. Natutuwa akong humarap sa napakalaking itim na grand piano bago inalala ang piyesang matagal nang itinuturo ni Mommy. With nervousness, I carefully placed my shaking fingers on the chosen keys before I continued with the assumption of unity. From the distance, I saw them performing another pas de deux as they followed the melody of La Vie En Rose.

Papa isn't always at home because he's busy managing his businesses. He was a businessman before he invested some of his time and money in a ballet company. With that, he developed his hobby to learn some of the ballet forms so he could spare some time to dance with Mama. Si Mommy naman, kung wala sa labas para sa rehearsal ng isang classical performance, tinuturuan ako ng tamang posture sa bawat anggulo.

Ballet and school work filled the entire years of my youth. My parents enrolled me in a special class where they could create a schedule to accustom my academics with my hobby. The weekend would be one of my rest days but I indulged myself with passion and strict accordance with a routine to reach the zenith that I was aiming for.

Those where my juvenile years where I filled my mind with discipline, my heart with passion, and my body with sore blisters. The detriment on my physical state didn't harm me as much as the self-imposed restriction I bestowed upon myself after such a certain incident. Straying away from my passion at the age of fourteen affected me in a way I didn't understand.

Pagtuntong pagiging legal, ito dapat ang oras para sa pagpa-practice sa isang apprenticeship sa New York. To be a part of the Royal Ballet Theater was once my dream. A lot of them were expecting me to pursue ballet until my retirement. True to their beliefs, it was one of my objectives when I decided, years ago, to be a professional ballerina. However, the forsaken want of my guilty heart forced me to choose a course I didn't know I'll have—Fashion Design.

It's the nearest I could get to the feeling of the tutu, I convinced myself. Kung hindi lang ako naaawa sa sarili, baka Painting at Sculpture ang pipiliin ko. I didn't want to force a course down my throat so I chose the closest one instead... even if it feels like a blockage. There were a lot of choices—I could have chosen the Opera or the Theatre but I opt for the ones dealing with satin and tulles. I didn't know that I could get this... low. A low blow on the love that I abandoned.

Kung tatanungin 'man ako sa bagay na pinagsisisihan ko, iyon ay ang pagiging ballerina. If I didn't force myself to perform that, I would have been living my life with the passion I grew accustomed to. Ang hirap kasi huminga sa pinili kong daan na 'to. Ramdam ko ang kagaspangan ng tela sa aking katawan pero hindi pa rin mapapalitan ang pag-aasam ko sa emosyon na nakukuha ko mula sa pagsusuot ng ballerina costume.

The tulle that I kept on using as an element in my works? It's a bitter truth that reminds me of what I'm grieving for. The grief that couldn't reset what happened years ago because it could only etch those bittersweet memories upon my last dance on the hardwood stage. Naaawa nga ako sa sarili ko pero hindi ko naman mapilit na alisin. It's the least that I could do to myself to feel.

I seethed my grief in a hiss when I pricked my finger with the pointiness of the thin metal. Madali kong inalis ang pagkakatapat ng daliri sa tinatahing tela bago balutan ng band-aid ang maliit na sugat. I just can't get used to this seemingly pointless batches of sewing when I could just use a machine so it could do the work for me, instead. But the higher-ups demanded the handmade ones so I was forced to follow.

Discipline. It was one of the things I learned while I was aiming to be a ballerina. Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ako dahil nasa akin pa iyon ngayon kung ang pinagkuhanan ko no'n ay wala na sa kamay ko.

Inikot ko ang tingin sa malawak na kwarto at nakita ang iba't ibang ulong nakaubob sa tapat ng puting sewing machine. Tambak ang ilang mga tela sa gilid habang umuugong ang mahinang tunog mula sa sunod-sunod na habas ng awtomatikong karayom na tumutusok sa tela.

Bumuntong-hininga ako bago napagpasyahang iligpit ang ilang nakakalat na gamit. Ang ilang tela na mula sa gupit ay tinipon ko bago ilagay sa lugar para sa scrap fabrics. With a worn-out mind, I dragged my body away from the once-occupied sewing machinery before leaving the Couture Room. Marahan kong iginalaw ang isang braso habang nakapirmi ang ilang tela at template sa kabila. Nang matapos sa pag-iinat ay inayos ko ang buhok mula sa repleksiyon sa salamin.

This was a course that I didn't expect that I'll take. Hindi ko alam. Parang nabo-boring ako sa pagiging Fashion Designer dahil walang ibang ginawa kun'di humarap sa tela, mag-isip ng magiging design, at gumawa ng portfolio o kaya mood board in case na magkaroon ng bagong collection.

I guess that the years I spent on straying away from my passion took all of it from me. Now, I'm left but the crumbs of my resentment towards anything. Back then, I could easily like the things lain across the expanse of the table, but now that I've deprived myself from the word 'p', my world felt like crumbling. That I am only left to pursue anything but that. Like a duty never be done again.

Minsan, napapaisip na lang ako kung itinuloy ko ang pagiging ballerina. Could I be a perfect match for Ariadne Felix? Would I be deaf hearing the applauses as I saut de chat, battling against the force, and land with a seemingly perfect grace that they'd mistook it for a bliss before their eyes?

I guess so. Siguro; kung ipinagpatuloy ko. I didn't so there's no room left but to regret and think of those 'what-ifs' as I torture myself in the darkness in the once golden age of my passion and arts. Puro na lang pagsisisi at pagpapahirap sa sarili sa kursong hindi naman talaga gusto.

A desperate move to find my passion that was once gold now turned to rust.

With another desperate sigh followed my desperate attempts to stop myself from performing pliés whenever I drop something, I stopped. And stared. Filling my lungs with passionate air oozing from the Colleges' vicinity and exhaling with disgust on the ill passion.

Royal Colleges for the Arts seems to be convincing. Being one of the top art schools in the country with its main branch offering four precious courses, it is no doubt that there would be flocks and flocks of applicants who yearns to pursue art.

Isa na ako roon.

Alam kong nagtataka sila na ang dating Little Prima Ballerina ay imbes na pagba-ballet ang kuhanin ay Fashion Design ang inilista. There must be a loose nut in her head, they must be thinking.

But no. I am functioning properly. It just happens that what they knew me of turned into rust.

There were a lot of trees and nature to spike inspirations and ideas. Well, those were badly needed by painters of this Colleges. Sa mga lahat ng estudyante, sila ang nangunguna sa letrang 'yon dahil mahuhusay talaga. Their arts are no joke. A museum just for the painters and sculptors so they could exhibit their works? It speaks volumes.

Inayos ko ang pagkakasuksok ng template sa aking braso. Just so I could compensate on my so-called passion, I etched that I must be careful of my art. Be it my liking or not, I should always be precise especially to those who surround me. In this dwelling, there are no room for apologies for the destruction of agony-filled artworks. Destruction or perfection, those were the lines that drew distinct characteristic from crying or sighs.

Sino ba naman ang gustong masira ang malambot na luwad na hulmadong-hulmado at hinihintay na lang ang takdang oras para maipakita ang kinaiingat-ingatan? Wala. Kaya nang may nabunggo ang isang estudyanteng may dalang napakalaking instrument sa estudyante na sculptor, hindi ko maiwasang maawa.

"Oh, damn." I heard him cuss as he picked up his now-flattened piece of once-glorious work. Kitang-kita ang panghihinayang sa kan'yang mukha bago magpakawala ng sunod-sunod na buntong-hininga dahil sa kinalagyan ng ilang oras na dedikasyon at pag-uukit.

"S-sorry po!" the musician guy said before cramming away when he got dismissed.

Ano nga naman ang maitutulong ng musikero sa iskultor? Maghulma gamit musika? And now I'm being bitter! This is what happens when I excreted the passion from my body. I made a mental note to stop being bitter about their experiences because it just doesn't match up to mine. Their fault about that accident could be redone, but mine wouldn't.

Mabigat ang puso ay umalis ako mula sa nanghihinayang na iskultor. I could help him if: one, I could. Two, I still have a passion to help. But, once again, it fell out of place. Bitterness is starting to get a hold of me. It kept on destructing the line I drew just to restrict myself from that.

Discipline, Lavien. Are you going to put those years to waste just because of your selfishness and greed to sate your lust rather than pleading and being sorry on what happened to your mother? That's the year that you've added up for.

Drops of restriction incurred me pain as yearning started to fill my form. I couldn't take my eyes off the building where they house my passion. I could feel it stretching their precise hands towards me, landing soft tips on my heart, before dragging me back to my pleasure of ballet and shoes. Then, I'd feel my structure giving in and then my feet would slip into those pointes shoes before I settle myself into a form of the Little Prima Ballerina Lavien Rosette was years ago.

Marahas akong suminghap nang nagbabadya ang pamilyar na guhit sa aking lalamunan. It's been like that since I started my sadness in this dwelling. With their muscles defining years and years of strict routines and stretching, it left me wondering what does it feel like to be a ballerina once again? To dance for the drug? To dance until I'd be numb and all that's left is to sleep, stretch, and repeat?

Sunod-sunod akong nagpakawala ng malalim na buntong-hininga nang gumalaw ang paa ko papunta sa Pavlova. This. This is the room that I've been wanting to check out ever since I got enrolled here. Gusto kong maramdaman ang paligid at makita ang sariling sumasayaw mula sa repleksiyon sa matatangkad na salamin. Pakinggan muli at balutin ang sarili ng piyesang bumubuhay sa aking katawan noon. Mga piyesang pinaaalala ang bawat galaw ng paa, bilang ng pahinga, at kung kailan ang sunod na talon.

The Pavlova Ballet Room. Dito dapat ako naglalagi kung ballet ang ipinagpatuloy kong kurso. Ang pag-uulit ng pagbabanat ng katawan hanggang sa mamanhid, pagsisira ng sapatos, at pagtatali ng buhok sa maayos na hulma... hindi ko na alam ang ginagawa ko sa sarili nang sumilip sa pagsasayaw nila.

The ballerinas are in their leotards and tights. Their hair formed into a neat bun. Their familiar posture hurts me. Ang bilang ng instructor nila ay bumubuhay sa nakabaon kong alaala kasabay ng pagtugtog ng mga piyesang sinasayawan ko noon.

My heart kept on constricting in pain once I saw my passion dancing in front of me. They look so happy with what they're doing. Like it satisfies them. Like there's nothing left for them but to improve because they are where they want to be. And me? I could only dwell in my regrets and what-ifs as I watched them perform their work.

You chose this, Lavien. Now live with it.