Jungkook

 
“She seems to like the teddy with the rattle better,” I say to Hae-Yeon, who agrees with a hum and picks up the said toy, shaking it thereafter to make a little jingling sound.

The sound makes my daughter giggle and shake her limbs in a thrilled dance even when she’s just chilling on the bed. Having completed around five months of age, she has also recently learned to roll over onto her stomach, and these days, she keeps practicing her newly learned skill all the time. I’ve even been told that if she isn’t swaddled in her sleep bag and buckled up safely for her bedtime, she prefers to sleep on her stomach.

I guess she really took after me because that’s how I sleep all the time.

As I lay by listening to Hae-Yeon’s baby talk with my daughter, my phone rings with an incoming call. Hae-Yeon pauses her play and hands me the phone.

“Music agent, Min,” she says when I receive the phone from her.

I answer the call with Min, and she updates me about the slight change in the social media promotion activities that are planned following the release of my album, which is in two more days. It’s mostly just me listening to her updates, and I end the call, feeling a little excited.

It probably brightens my face, and Hae-Yeon notices it.

“How are you feeling about the release of ‘Criss Cross’? She asks me, making my head turn in her direction.

“I’m thrilled. Even though I release music now and then, I still feel nervous and jittery. But I like feeling this kind of tension. I’m excited to see how fans receive this album,” I say excitedly, propping up my torso on my elbow.

“That’s so amazing!” She pipes up. “Each song is deeply beautiful on its own, and I’m sure many fans will resonate with the meanings and emotions at a much deeper level,” She continues to appreciate me.

A few days ago, after a bit of coaxing, she finally agreed to listen to the entire album. We played it for her inside my recording studio, and she said that it was a completely other-worldly experience. Hae-Yeon had goosebumps all along, and she was a little emotional at the end of the title track as well as the outro track. It was understandable and relatable because those are my top favorite songs in this album, and when I say that she and I are just one soul in two bodies, I really mean it at every level.

“Jungkook, I miss writing letters to you and doing the little challenges that we did. Do you miss all that?” Her sudden question makes me smile.

“I do. I miss our letters the most. I used to feel that waiting for letters was a little prehistoric, but that thrill and anticipation were unmatched, and it gave an adrenaline rush like nothing else. Should we still write? I mean, is that even possible?” A giggle breaks out of my throat, and Hae-Yeon too giggles along briefly.

“I’ve never once felt it was an outdated thing or anything, and I kind of miss those days when I used to think all day about what to write back to you,” it’s her turn to giggle again.

“And the challenges were so much fun too. I really hope you enjoyed them,” I sit up cross-legged and push my hair back with both my hands.

“You have no idea, Jungkook. I loved them so much. Like, each one was so good. I learned something with each challenge, and I can safely say that I’m a much better human now than I was before I did any of this. You helped me realize that it’s okay to do anything that brings me joy, that it’s important to take pride in my work, that I’m never too old to learn a new skill and indulge in activities that I like doing, that enjoying my own company is the most important thing above all. And most importantly, I have learned that I do not have to fit into any of the society-defined beauty standards.” Her tone oozes confidence and gratitude, and it makes my heart swell with pride and joy.

“These are exactly what I wanted to hear from you, and I feel successful now. I’m glad it helped you.” I beam proudly, lifting the non-existent collars of my T-shirt.

Laughing softly, Hae-Yeon moves closer to me, and I wrap an arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer to my side. She bends forward, transfers the rattlebear to the baby’s hand and returns to my side.

“Thank you, Jungkook,” she places a little peck on my lips.

The soft fabric of her clothing caresses the skin on my chest, and even though I can feel the texture of it, I still wonder what the dress would look like on her. I wonder what each color would look like. I wonder what the art on my arm would look like. I wonder if people and things would appear the same as I have seen and imagined them or will they be entirely different?

A cloud of sorrow quickly looms over my head and causes a sudden shift in my mood as I start feeling terrible about not being able to see anything except darkness. Some forms of blindness give the blind person occasional glimpses of colors and other perceptions too. But mine is just always an endless and empty vacuum, and I find it so unfair how I’ve been cursed this way.

This mood isn’t something I’m experiencing for the first time, and it hurts each time to realize that I’m the only misfit even though the close ones around me never make me feel that way. It hurts that I’m so unprivileged to see anything with my eyes which are nothing but two useless rotund organs filling the hollows in my eye sockets.

“What’s on your mind?” Hae-Yeon asks me softly, sensing my internal turbulence like a radar.

“It’s nothing new,” I give her a partially truthful answer.

“I’ll wait to hear it from you, but just know that I’m always here if you ever feel like telling me about anything that is troubling you.” She assures me with a firm squeeze to my forearm, and it makes my chest quake painfully.

“Hae, I want to see you,” my words make her straighten up beside me, and she gently reaches out for my hand, but I pull back.

“What happened?” She asks me, sounding confused and worried.

“With my eyes. I want to see you with my eyes. I want to be able to see everything like every normal person does. I’m tired of doing this,” I blow up, putting my hands up in the air, palms turned outward, almost as if throwing a tantrum.

“Hey, Jungkookie,” Hae-Yeon reaches out once again and takes my hand in hers, and this time I allow her to do it while simultaneously feeling tears rushing to my eyes.

“I too want to see with my eyes… just like everyone else.” My voice trembles, and a drop of tear rolls down my cheek, which she catches with her thumb and wipes away delicately.

“Jungkook, I was so proud of you and highly impressed when you flexed about how you could even sense the change in heat in a person’s body according to their change in mood. Is that not something which only a person who’s as skilled and sensitive as you can feel?” She asks me in an attempt to make me see the bright side of the situation.

“Yeah, a skill that a chronic blind fool like me possesses. What a flex! Sure, yeah,” I fire back, disappointed with myself.

“Hey, Jungkook,” Hae-Yeon breathes out, rubbing soft circles with her thumbs on the back of my hands. “Can you please take a few deep breaths now? I know it’s not what you want to do, but please do it for me. Will you?” Her request is simple and straightforward, and she waits for my response.

A few seconds later, I take a couple of sets of deep breaths and feel myself calming down a little, by which time my daughter begins to whine and squeal for attention.

“Just a moment,” Hae-Yeon says, and then I hear her picking up the baby in her arms.

Cooing and shushing her softly, she calms down my daughter and begins to softly pat her back.

“Jungkookie, whoever made you believe that we see through our eyes was so wrong. We never see through our eyes,” she pauses for a second, making my eyebrows rise upward. “We always see only through our hearts. And that is the universal truth.” There’s surging confidence in her voice, and her words intrigue me.

I remain silent, keeping my focus in her direction, and she continues to talk.

“Remember our pen-pal days? I had no idea how you looked, and just like the countless other fans of yours, I also had never seen you. But the image of you that I and all other fans had and still have in our hearts makes us adore you and love you. And even before I met you, I already knew that I would love you no matter how you looked. I loved you, and I still love you so much for who you are.” She places a soft hand on top of mine and squeezes lightly.

I remain silent, slowly making my way around her words.

“Think about it, Jungkook. Your entire fandom loves you without knowing how you look. In a way, they are all blind too, and when I say that, it includes me. We all have always loved you for who we see as Jake within our hearts and minds. Our eyes do not know how Jake looks. And we are still able to give him love because, trust me, the eyes never see things or people. They only take in an appearance. But it is the heart that truly sees and perceives. No matter how someone looks, only the way that our hearts see them will make them look beautiful or ugly.

“Think about all the beautiful moments in life like when we are in a large field and breathing in a deep lungful of fresh and crisp air, when we kiss the person who we love, when we pray, cry, sleep... Our eyelids fall shut at these moments because it is the heart which truly sees the beauty of the moment and feels it so deeply. The eyes are not the organs which are meant to do that. Do you agree with me on this?” Hae-Yeon asks me; her focus is now entirely on me.

She’s not wrong at all. In fact, every word that she said now is true. Thinking about it, my entire fandom is, in fact, blind to my appearance, blind to the fact that I’m blind, yet it hasn’t at all impacted the way they show me love and affection and receive my work with so much enthusiasm. Maybe blindness isn’t really something to do with the eyes. True blindness is when a person cannot see another person or thing with their hearts, and it really doesn’t matter whether we see the same with our eyes or not.

Her words aren’t much, but they are enough to put me in a thinking spiral where I keep encountering so many questions and even their answers which are enlightening. And it is all nothing but the affirmations I had been giving myself over the years.

I only lack one sense, and I make up for it with my other senses.

It isn’t my fault that I was born blind.

It is true that I do not know how the colors look, but it is such a small thing to worry about in this vast and wide universe where there are endless other things to feed my other senses with.

“Jungkook,” Hae-Yeon holds my face in one hand while softly rocking my baby in her other hand. “To me, the way you see me is even more beautiful than the way I’ve seen myself all these years. And do you know why?”

“Because I make you feel beautiful?” I repeat her own words from before.

“Yes, and that is because you always see me with your heart. You told me you see with your other senses, but that is not true as well. You are just like every other person, and you see with your heart. Only after reflecting upon how big your impact has been on the way I see myself and everyone and everything else around me, did I realize that we never truly see anything with our eyes. It is the heart that always sees.” She declares in a kind voice that makes a smile grow on my lips.

These are the most beautiful affirmations I’ve ever heard in my life, and I’m sure I’ll be repeating them to myself each day. My heart feels so full, and I feel so loved and appreciated in my skin. I feel so emotional too, and my tears are unwilling to stay inside my eyes. Thankful would be such a poor way to describe how I’m feeling right now.

“Hae-Yeon, you’re such an amazing woman. I love you so much. Thank you for being mine,” I run my hand over her head and place it at the back of her head, gently pulling her to my chest.

“I love you more, Jungkook.” Hae-Yeon pulls back and places a kiss on each of my fingertips.

Haewon remains silent, only occasionally letting out muffled coos, and after a few seconds, Hae-Yeon clears her throat. “Can we continue our little self-love challenges? But with a little twist this time…” Her voice trails, but she sounds confident when she says that, and I’m sure she has already planned the kind of twist she wants.

“Sure, why not? And what’s the twist?” I chuckle, running my hands down my face and then using them to push my hair out of my forehead.

“So, this time around, I want to be the one giving you self-love challenges. And it’s not even that many. I just have one in mind. Will you play fair?” She asks me, sounding much closer to me this time.

The soft smell of orange blossoms grows a little stronger when she moves to sit beside me, and I run a hand through my hair, unsure what this one challenge could be.

“Do I have a choice?”

“I guess you don’t. But I’m not going to force you into anything. I’ll let you know what it is and why I want you to do it. You could then decide if it’d be okay for you. I’m only really going to suggest something, and it’s up to you to do it or not. I wouldn’t mind it either way,” Hae-Yeon makes herself clear, but the explanation causes my heart to pick up pace.

In light of our conversation and affirmations just a few moments ago, I’m guessing it has something to do with my vision. But I’m not as troubled about it as before because she has truly opened my eyes, though metaphorically yet undeniably.

“Spill it, Hae,” I demand confidently.

Hae-Yeon sighs softly, but it’s the kind of sigh that I’m familiar with by now. It’s the sigh she usually lets out when she’s satisfied in some way.

“Okay, so your only challenge is to reveal your blindness to your fandom.” My shoulders and jaw tighten, and I suck in a sharp breath when she lets it out. “I can totally understand your need to use the veil of Jake for your privacy, and you don’t at all have to reveal your true identity or your face to anyone. Just reveal the truth about your blindness because it is going to be a huge step towards self-acceptance. I don’t think it would affect a fan’s true affection and love and support if they know that you are blind in the eyes.” Hae-Yeon is quite upfront with her proposal, and I’m not fighting her for it.

She is right in a way, but I loathe being sympathized with. I hate to even think about having to answer blindness-related questions in my upcoming interviews and talk shows.

“I’m not entirely rejecting this challenge. But people will offer sympathy, and that’s something I hate.” I make my point firmly.

“Jungkook, it’s understandable that you hate it. And it’s not just you. Everyone hates being sympathized or criticized for the things they lack. Nevertheless, the people who do that still exist, and the only way to navigate life is to ignore them.” Hae-Yeon states with dazzling confidence, ensuring at the same time to keep up with the soft pats she offers to my daughter’s back.

She then continues while I sit by contemplating. “Remember the same words that you told me once. You are enough. You are beautiful, and, most importantly, you are you. With all your beautiful imperfections and shortfalls, you are still you. This is who you are. We are all perfectly imperfect. Don’t be afraid of judgment or sympathy. Do not worry about the haters because their hearts are ugly, and they are the truly blind ones. You’ll be surprised by all the amazing responses, acceptance, and heartfelt messages you receive from your fans across the world when you tell them the truth.” Her voice softens, and it fortifies my trust in her words.

“I- Yeah, I guess you’re right.” I nod silently.

“Jungkook, you’re the one who taught me how to love myself and accept and appreciate every part of me, just the way I am. But I think you also need to direct it a little towards yourself. Do it, and feel the sweet sense of internal liberation and relief.” Hae-Yeon punctuates her words with a firm kiss that she places on my forehead while I have already started to mentally narrow down how to complete this challenge successfully.
 

Last chapter coming up tomorrow!!
😌💕

Published on : 10/07/2023