❝How come she married him?” Harry asked miserably. “She hated him!”

“Nah, she didn’t,” said Sirius.❞

•|∆

The gorgeousness of Hogwarts was the one thing that no person that had ever set foot in its grounds could by any chance deny. The magic residing in its ancient walls spoke for its grandeur and antiquity, and people who could feel this magic resonating inside them would usually feel nothing but belonging to every inch in the majestic castle.

But from all those who had entered Hogwarts throughout the centuries, Lily Evans was, by far, one of the most unexceptionally appreciative of its mesmerising beauty. Lily began to wander its space from the moment she had entered. She had an affinity for exploring every bit of it and unveiling its deepest mysteries. She simply loved everything about that castle that it actually meant calamity if a day had passed by without her dwelling on its ethereal beauty.

However, that day did come indeed.

By noon of a particular eventful day in her seventh year, Lily had retreated to the Gryffindor common room in order to finish her remaining essay. Soon lost in its content, she did not perceive the wandering of her own mind until she felt the wave of usual distress resurfacing. It went back again to the triggering source; the terrible news in dinner.

Still, she tried to suppress the flashing memory from her mind; bottle everything up as usual. However, that unspoken tide demanded immediate attention to her airless, tight lungs, before the sadness consumes her wholly.

Thus, Lily headed to her favourite place in the whole wide castle; the Astronomy Tower.

There was something particularly special of the towering Tower. Being able to see not just the whole castle but the entirety of the sky was fascinating for her all-time attachment to the ground. The air itself felt special and different, as if asking its visitants to behold, to visit its lonely stones outside of classes.

As Lily was about to get out of the common room, the portrait was opened and she came face-to-face with her kind-hearted Remus Lupin.

Oh no.

“Hey, Remus.” Lily greeted him quickly, her emerald eyes darting to the opened door behind his posture, diverting her eyes as humanely quickly to be able to bypass without worrying him and absolutely ruining his night with sobs in his arms if she just opened her mouth.

“Hello, Lily... are you alright?” he asked, immediately sensing his best friend’s concern, and her plan close to failed.

“Oh, it’s nothing. Just longing for some air. See you later, Remy.” Lily replied with a small smile on her face and left without another word.

“Weird...” he whispered to himself as he headed towards the armchair Lily had been occupying by the fireplace and started his own essays.

Or rather just glanced at his essays, for not a minute later the sole Potter heir approached him from their dormitory, descending the stairs with a graceful stride and unmatched ease.

And by then Remus could never mix those two together.

“What are you doing here alone, Moony?” James asked, rubbing his tired eyes from the toll of their day.

“Just finishing some essays... Why aren’t you doing so yourself?” Remus questioned with a friendly frown on his face, knowing full well of the later that will proceed.

“Later, perhaps,” James replied, diving down in the chair in front of Remus and sighing heavily. “Now my mind is vastly disturbed and I don’t think I’ll be able to concentrate on anything at all.”

Chuckling, Remus looked at James in a pondering manner and lightly punched his long, stretched legs. “And what might be disturbing your pretty mind if you don’t mind me asking, Your Majesty?”

“Lily is driving me crazy, Remus,” James answered with a sad dreamy smile, not even bothering to hide it from the audience that might be overhearing. “I’ve never thought I might be capable of loving someone so much and I’m scared. I’m scared of myself.”

“Yourself?” Remus frowned, not expecting that response from the man that stands head high to the devils.

“Of me being forcing myself on her without noticing.” James replied, his brown eyes reflecting the depth of his fear. “You know Lily... what if she doesn’t feel the same but she’s just too good to shove me off?”

Remus breathed in the stupidity, and breathed out some composed logic to his tortured friend.

“Are we talking about the same Lily, James? How could you think for a moment that you’re forcing yourself on her? Do you not exchange sickly love letters every week? I mean, if she hasn’t been writing things in the lines of ‘toerag’ all this time then you should take this as a symbolism of the genuine love between you two.”

James smiled, nostalgic but still doubtful.

“But what if—”

“There are no what ifs when it comes to Lily Evans, Potter.” Remus looked directly at him. “If Lily hates something, she will be outspoken about it. And outspoken is a far derisive term for the flame that really resides in her.”

And that was enough to silence James Potter’s demons.

He sighed and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms and looking up the ceiling, drafting all his thoughts between its wallpaper. Softly, as if he was talking to the images in front of his eyes, James relapsed voicing his doubtful thoughts. “I never thought that my greatest ambition in life would someday be growing old with someone. Do you think that can ever happen, Moony?” he looked back to his longest companion, his eyes full of hope and endless faith.

“You’re the one who taught me that I can achieve my goals no matter what, Prongs,” Remus said consolingly, leaning slightly forward and grasping the far end of his friend’s elbow. “You also taught me that I should never isolate myself and always seek the presence of the people I love. So how are you even giving it another thought?

“Let me teach you something for a change, James,” he continued. “Pure hearts always find each other, and when they’re united, they create hope and spread their love and peace everywhere. So you should never lose the hope of loving someone because you’re a bit reluctant or scared. You might not be only hurting yourself then, but you’ll be hurting the person you love too.”

He gulped, subconsciously feeling the irony of his words.

“Lily– she’s got such an amazing loving heart and she would do anything for anyone. You saying that she doesn’t love you or will ever hate you is completely absurd to me. She would literally die for you if necessary. Though let’s hope to never see that.” he continued, cursing his wandering thoughts.

“Anyway, as for your cheesy little dream—” both smiled widely. “First of all, I must say that I am really quite offended that you haven’t mentioned us in your life goals, Prongs!” Remus said prestigiously, leaning back in his own chair and both started laughing.

“But really, James,” he continued, tugging down his sleeves with shifty nervousness. “I genuinely do suggest you act on whatever you dream soon because we don’t know what’s life carrying for us. We don’t know when will this war ever end and whether we’re going to get out of it safely or not. You surely know that I’m not a pessimist, but this has become our reality.”

And silence fell between the two lifelong friends, having said all what they had.

It was a matter of acting on it now.

“You know, Moony, I don’t think I will ever find a person who understands every single situation like yourself. You have this amazing talent of calmly solving problems within a blink of an eye,” James said with utter appreciation in his eyes and a following grin on his face. “I envy you, by the way.” he finished while leaning forward to smooch his Moony with a loud cheek kiss.

“Well, Mr. Envious, I suggest you go find your flower instead and save describing my endless assets for another time.” Remus replied cockily and James started laughing while getting up.

“Oh and James,” he paused seriously when their laughter had ceased. “Do find her now because I met her at the portrait entrance right before you came down from our dorm and she seemed.. troubled.”

“Thank you, Remus, truly.” James said fondly to his brother-in-arm and headed straight to the portrait.

•|∆

Lily thought that her stroll within the magical walls would help ease her panic, yet, every brick of stone she had touched began to fill her with genuine fear for the first time ever.

For it felt as if the walls had manifested from a future where they all crumble and fall.

The dread of the magic flowing inside her veins became too strong, too overbearing. Her mind’s never-ending chatter exposed her terror from the course of her own life and began to strategise how she could survive in this war since she was the deer being hunted. All for the magic she could feel within her bones, connecting her with the magic in the air just as any pure-blood or less. Yet, it filled her with determination to be a warrior since this war was against her and only her.

She would never permit anyone to be endangered for her sake.

The problem was that she was worried about the others, too. Maybe it was a war against Muggles and Muggle-borns but she was sure that the rest of her friends will get caught in the middle of the action. ‘Will we survive this horrible war?’ she kept asking herself. ‘Will we be able to defend ourselves and our families when the time comes?’

She really hoped so.

She hoped for a brighter future with everyone she holds dear beside her, no any imminent threats against them. A brighter future specifically with the one she did not know how to currently categorise; a friend, or family already.

James Potter. The once called an arrogant toe-rag by none other than herself.

Lily couldn’t believe the amount of love she held for him now, nor could she even process the transformation that had shifted his entire personality. She could not even imagine her life without him anymore, and that thought alone terrified her from the war ways more.

Because alhough the war was opposing her likes, blood traitors were just as bad on their list, and Lily wanted nothing more than him to be safe and happy. She regretted every single moment they had wasted on hating each other (or technically her hating his arrogant obnoxious persona) and she wished she could return back time and never let all those precious years slip away from her fingers.

In the timespan of two years, the Potter heir was able to settle himself within the innards of her heart, inadvertently claiming every ounce of her given love and affection. The part of her that had once denied his whole existence now breathed within every breath he took.

Remembering this made it easier for her now to breathe.

Yet Lily’s head didn’t cease. She began to wish she would be able to save those she still cared for deeply, but would never accept her help once more. The ones who already forged their path, and as a result destroyed everything for them.

She truly wished she could save him.

Severus.

Even though Lily knew that he still had some goodness in his heart somewhere, most probably buried deep inside and veiled from all the light, she was certain that he will never back off that road and that she failed in helping him out of it. Guilt consumed her for breaking the unspoken vow between them when they were young– the one concerning always taking care of each other. And although she knew that he was the one to break it first when he had insulted her by the very same name he had once assured her that would not matter at all, a part of her still wanted her best friend back.

People had always thought that she was mad for befriending him, but what those people never saw was his good heart albeit tainted with bad memories and morals. His life wasn’t full of unicorns, she definitely acknowledged that, but that didn’t mean he should’ve allowed the darkness to overpower him, too.

She really hoped that the old Severus would one day return. She hoped they could be young once more.

When Lily was young, she had always thought that life was fair, that everyone gets their own share in it without any obstacles. Looking at her twisted life right now she couldn’t help but laugh at her own stupidity for believing such a thing, cursing the wretched irony that swore to hold a grip on her.

She kept laughing without any merry evident in her voice until her tears merged within.

Crying from her failure, from the vulnerability she despised herself for having, from the dangers circling her beloveds, from the life she should not have stepped in.

And that was how James Potter found the love of his life; mourning on the ground with her back against the wall of the tallest Tower, staring blankly into the bright night sky while tears kept descending from her eyes in a rhythmic trail.

And not a single word could have possibly described how that sight made him heartbroken and torn.

Slowly, very slowly, James marched towards her, crouching tentatively in front of her and holding her right arm gently while wiping her tears with his other hand.

Her hands did not hesitate in holding him back.

“What is worth your precious tears, Lily?” he asked softly albeit painfully, and Lily didn’t know whether she should tell him about her demons and insecurities or not, but then she realised that she might not have the courage to say what she wanted to tell him anytime else.

“I can’t do this anymore, James,” she said, feigning calmness while her heart ached terribly, working so hard to keep on looking into his soft brown eyes. “Walking and talking and living as if there’s no threat against my being itself. I keep ignoring the subject every time it comes up but I can’t keep doing this anymore. We’re about to finish Hogwarts and I can’t live in the fear of making you do the same for me. You and all of our friends. I can’t let that happen.”

Lily took a deep breath and further continued the words that stabbed every inch of love she had in her heart. “You can’t imagine how it pains me whenever I think of distancing myself to keep you all safe, but I have to. I can’t be selfish like that anymore. I can’t allow you to risk your life for me, James. As much as it pains me but you have to let go of me—”

And she stopped, smiling doefully as she tenderly moved the back of her bent fingers across his right cheek, wishing to never lose this moment but unable to preserve it for any longer.

Lily looked back to James who had his eyes darting between her hand’s movement and her crestfallen eyes. The next words spoken from her were uttered in utter acceptance. “Find the perfect woman that deserves the amazing man you are and stay away from this war completely. But I want you to know that I love you so much,” she continued hastily, gripping his left arm so tightly to convey what has always been in her heart. “I always will. Please never forget that.” she finished, her heart trying to kill her brain for saying all of that.

James fixed his wandering eyes on her, staring at her eyes blankly for what felt like eternity. It took him more than that duration to break the painful silence, and he broke it with just one question.

“Is that what you really want, Lily?”

“You know that it will never be my heart’s desire to stay away from you, James.” she replied earnestly while the tears swelled in her eyes once more. “But in times like these, my heart is worthless if it brings you pain.”

The grounding hold on her face where he had been removing her tears suddenly disappeared, and James sat up only to look at her teary emerald eyes for a very long moment before walking away from her a bit.

“Okay, Lily. I’ll let go.”

A moment of true perplexity filled the magical air. Every single time Lily had began to wonder about the specifics of that conversation, she thought she would have to be very persuasive with James and force her opinion upon him if necessary. Frankly astounded at his easiness, she began to think how very grateful for it she were.

Closing her eyes and taking her hand away from her lover’s face, she wiped the rest of her tears away while saying, “Thank you, James. Truly. I know that it’ll ta— James what the hell are you doing, get down right now!” she yelled in terror once she had opened her eyes and saw the terrifying scene in front of her, and started cursing him when she realised James had snatched her wand with him so that she could do nothing.

Said James who was apparently on top of the battlements of the highest tower at Hogwarts with his back facing Lily.

Lily began to move in his direction, but her limbs did not respond. Nothing but her vocals and her face were able to respond, and she loudly continued to curse his existence for the swift reaction that she barely even acknowledged.

On the other side, however, with all the nonchalance of narrating an old story, James began to recite his own tale.

“Three years ago, there was this one girl I got so infatuated with. Whether from her beauty or from her amazing personality, I don’t really know. Most probably from both. I used to annoy her though.” he said softly, smiling to himself. “Constantly. I really don’t know why. I think I wasn’t used to such a feeling, so I tried to subdue it in my ignorance. Yet, it became impossible for me to do that when she once saved my arse from expulsion and received her first detention ever by taking the blame for herself even though there was nothing for her to gain by doing that.”

“Get down right this instance, Potter, or I swear you will see my true wrath.” Lily growled, trying to fight the invisible chains holding her down. James took no notice of her words and looked up to the sky in reminisce, addressing the brightest star in aching happiness, and yet reserved compassion.

“That day.. it made me see her from a very different perspective, and I realised how stupid I was for trying to annoy such a beautiful soul and that I should no longer try to tame my emotions towards her. But I took another turn and I started asking her out. I’m quite sure that I pissed her off even more by doing that.” he completed, laughing. “Gosh, I used to ask her like ten times a day! Honestly looking back to that time, I would’ve killed me if I were her. But how strong she was.” he said distantly, darting his eyes once more to the stars, imagining his story between these shining orbs.

By then, Lily began to settle down, easing her temper to listen to the words of praise directed to her, even if she was far from wanting praise and just wanting him safe and on solid ground.

“She became even fiercer and had such awesome comebacks, although I’ve never really confessed that, and that made me fall for her even more without really realising. But I started facing a new problem I’ve never thought I would ever encounter in my life— jealousy.

“It was a new feeling for me, you know? Being a lone child, I never had anyone to be jealous from or something so precious to actually care for to the level of jealousy. But even that she changed within me, and I became very jealous from her friend. Why would such a beautiful flower befriend someone as dark and not even see his flaws? I kept asking myself. And I started annoying him even more than before.

“But in our fifth year while tormenting him one day, she came and stood up for him as usual. I was used to her taking his side but I never thought that he would actually refuse her help to the extent of insulting her. I was astounded. Having such a precious person in his life and just throwing her away like that.” he finished, and the hatred that Lily could not see on his face could be merely felt from his tone as he continued.

“My hatred towards him intensified incredibly, and I realised that I should no longer annoy her by asking her out in the midst of losing her closest friend. But I never stopped loving her, you know? I secretly loved her more and more everyday even though I never stopped being the prat she loathed.

“But then one day last year, we had to spend the whole night cleaning the library books together in a joined detention. It was so awkward between us in the beginning to be frank, but being surrounded by books made it very hard not to talk about them and we had such a wonderful chat involving our favourite books and recent reads and loads of other subjects. It was a superb night for me really, for it was my first time ever to actually hear her talking about herself, unrestrained by the barrier of conversing with a toe-rag.

“We started talking now and then afterwards, and I never brought up the topic of her going out with me because I was genuinely happy with just our acquaintanceship. And as the year passed, I was overwhelmingly joyed when she started considering me as a friend. I really didn’t want to lose that because it meant so much to me.

“But then one day, when we were all gathered in our common room, Remus suggested we practice advanced Charms. And from all the Charms he could’ve chosen, he chose the Patronus one.” he stopped for a moment, frowning from the contradicting emotions he began to feel once again, as if an entire year hadn’t passed. As if it were all just the day before.

“That night made me feel so conflicted when I saw her doe flying around the common room, but I knew then that that was neither luck nor coincidence. That she means a lot to me more than I could begin to understand. And at that moment, I vowed myself to always take care of her and protect her no matter what it takes.

“Hence, I’m sorry, Lily, but dying is more honourable to me than living a life without being able to fulfil my vows.”

The moment James had finished, Lily realised that she had probably cried the most throughout his speech in her entire life. What an idiot sap, she thought for a fleeting second between her running tears. She always knew that their love was genuine from both sides, but hearing him recite their love story was a whole new level she had never expected she would hear.

“James, please get down.” she eventually replied weakly. “Stop making this hard for the both of us.”

“Promise me first, Lily.” James instantly retorted, craning his neck back to indicate he was listening to her but leaving no place for negotiations.

“I can’t, James, I can’t!” shouted Lily, her silent tears continuing to fall. “You think it is easy for me to stay away from you? You think there isn’t a dagger right now ripping every inch in my heart for just thinking about the possibility of never seeing you again?”

“Then why, Lily!” James yelled in agony.

“BECAUSE I WANT TO PROTECT YOU TOO!” she yelled back, falling on her knees with her face in her hands and sobbing so loudly that it felt her entire body was participating in voicing these sobs. Unable to bear the sound of her cracked angelic voice, James turned slowly and jumped down the battlements, crouching down by her and hugging her so tightly.

“You live, I live. You die and I will die, James. This war has nothing to do with you so why can’t you just stay away from it!” she continued to yell, yet it came out muffled for uttering them in his chest while clutching him tightly.

“Because I gave you my heart, Lily, and it would be so cruel of you if you expect me to live without it.”

“I love you, Lily,” James said when she didn’t reply, running down his palm on her back in a comforting manner. “So much. I can’t see you in danger and refrain from helping. And as long as I’m with you, believe me, I am totally safe.”

He then broke their embrace to hold her face in his hands once more. Leaning gently, James kissed away her every fallen tear, feeling their heaviness despite their supposed lightness. The moment he felt them ceasing, he tipped her head back to directly look at her red-rimmed eyes, and wisely said while tenderly caressing her damp cheeks, “Life is short, Lily, and we mustn’t shorten it even more by dwelling on worries and forbidding ourselves from living our lives normally and spending our times with the people we love.”

Lily knew that she’d lost the argument then, and although she was truly inspired by his wise words, she wanted to make sure that he stays so if he really wants to stay by her side.

“Fine. But on one condition, though,” she said and he nodded for her to continue. “Abandon the recklessness you’ve mastered your whole life.”

“Hard one, Lils.” he said smiling and she glared at him slightly through her unconvincing eyes. “But don’t worry. I’m not the same ‘arrogant toe-rag’ anymore.”

“You’re never going to leave it, are you?”

“Over my dead body.” he grinned and she rolled her eyes playfully with a smile on her own face.

“Come on,” he beckoned, hoisting her up and leaving his arms wrapped around her waist. “Nearly jumping from that height got me starving.”

“Oh, yes, and by the way, James,” she said sweetly as she moved slightly from his arms and started punching him hardly on his chest. “Never— give— me— such— fright— again!”

“Stop, stop, you mad woman!” he said, laughing so hard at her fiery personality which he adored so much. “Merlin, why do I love such a mad person like you!”

“Because I’m the most beautiful flower.” she recited back his words, smiling bashfully yet laughing, and James could feel nothing but warmth as he looked at her and treasured this memory in his soul.

“Indeed you are.”

•|∆

Forgive me for scarring your minds with my terrible romance.