❝You don’t just hand in your resignation to Voldemort. It’s a lifetime of service or death.❞

•|∆

Living a normal peaceful life was one of the things that Sirius Black had absolutely no idea about. Some would say it is a blessing to always have some action going on in your life, but in his case, it turned out to be a curse.

From a very young age Sirius had this rebellious vein that could probably destroy anything normal, and as he grew up, so did his will to step out of imaginary lines increased. Sometimes it was just for the sake of proving his stubbornness to the world, but most of the times he did have a point in rebelling.

When Sirius was taught to be a pureblooded maniac, he rebelled. When his family had told him to make them proud by following their steps and being a part of the Slytherin House, he rebelled. Even when life itself slammed its doors in his face he rebelled without a single sign of remorse.

But for the very first time in his entire life Sirius regretted every single rebellious act he had ever committed, and wished more than anything to return back in time and change his entire course of history.

It was night when it had happened. A dark and rainy night that insinuated despondency and despair, as if his entire world had suddenly been filled with the soulless Dementors he had always feared and despised.

As usual, Sirius was out on one of the lethal missions, those in which he rushed headfirst to with no care about whether he will return back alive from them or not, whereas when it came to the Order, Sirius Black was a very vigilant and responsible person, unlike his preferred carefree self.

Willingly he had always volunteered in the suicidal missions, always eager to step into life-wrecking dangers. It was something admired from the Order but frowned upon by his closest friends, because even though they appreciated his nobility and his will to save lives, they hated how reckless and nearly careless he seemed about his own.

But none of them knew how it was all a mean for blocking out the darkness inside him for as long as possible.

Sirius had feared many things in his adolescent life; some of which had already occurred and broke a part of him, and some worst case scenarios he wished to die rather having to witness. Yet, one of the things that gave him day and nightmares was the idea of him succumbing to the darkness he knew was buried inside him somewhere, veiled from the light and waiting for the perfect opportunity to come out and ruin everything he had spent his entire life building. It was tormenting to imagine that darkness controlling and leading him to the most terrible acts, for he knew he won’t be able to fight back his own Devil then.

And that was why Sirius was always adamant to help, because he knew that he cannot let his goodness slip away from his fingers or else the consequences will be severe on everyone.

But barely even anyone ever knew that.

The mission was to barge inside an abandoned mansion to search for some of the Order members that had gone missing. It was planned that five of them would go and infiltrate the place, for they weren’t too sure about the accuracy of the information, and in the end hope as usual that they all return back in one piece.

Of course, everything did not go as planned.

It turned out they had went to a snake’s cave that the Death Eaters cunningly bluffed with, as if awaiting the arrival of some people in the Order so they would finish them off. The Order members were of course outnumbered, but were yet able to get most of the Death Eaters down after countless hours of duelling, leaving them all tired and battered from the excessive amount of magic performance.

And yet with all the wounds and scars Sirius had received that night, nothing could have been more painful than the bombshell of news he did not foresee, disguised in just a simple sentence and rushing towards him, teasing him of its existence and ready to end him once and for all.

He was leaning against a wall, taking his breath and about to continue his duelling night when suddenly a masked Death Eater who by his figure seemed young and out of place rushed towards him, only uttering a single question.

“Eager to meet your brother in hell, Black?”

And that solely was all what was needed to entirely stun Sirius, both mentally and physically.

Although exteriorly it had always appeared that Sirius was a very tough and emotionally stable person, yet he became so far from it at that particular second. He just gazed at the masked Death Eater in front of him, feeling his hateful voice even if it was unclear, and not did he even bother to act back when that Death Eater silently disarmed him, for his whole body started feeling like it.

“So sad, aren’t you?” taunted the mysterious follower, mockery and utter disbelief loitering so vividly in his young voice. “Be glad he received the Dark Lord’s mercy and only died,” he continued, walking closer to Sirius and getting a hold of his clothes while nearing his masked face to Sirius’s and slowly whispering, “Be glad he didn’t receive the torture loyal followers get for cold feet, you perfect model of a loving brother.”

And with that said, the Death Eater suddenly apparated the both of them so far away on what seemed to be an eeringly quiet forest, not a second loosening his tight hold on Sirius nor letting down his mask either.

It all wasn’t making sense to Sirius. Not a single thing could he comprehend nor even think of accepting. Everything became distorted and blurry– from the information he was receiving to his eyesight and the rest of his senses. He couldn’t pinpoint a certain feeling to what he felt going on inside him, but something in the back of his mind was certain that it began to feel like he wasn’t even alive to be able to perceive anything anymore.

It seemed that this was the end of his road; defenceless against a Death Eater that was telling him horrific news he had no idea whether they were true or not.

And Sirius hoped, from the deepest part of his heart there was, that what he was listening to was fake, was even just a mean to destroying him. Still, everything about that unknown, full of hatred Death Eater spoke of sounded truthful, as if he, too, was grieving himself.

And his life literally just no longer mattered.

“Crucio.” the Death Eater suddenly cursed, and Sirius didn’t even whimper as if that inflicted pain was nothing compared to the agony that already started consuming him.

“You’re the reason he’s dead, Black,” he spitefully said, solidifying that what he was saying was causing him pain, too. “You’re the reason everything went fucking downhill for him. If you had just stayed put in that twisted family nothing would have happened to him. But no,” he maliciously continued, raising his voice and inflicting even more pain on Sirius until he was on the ground because of it, lying on all fours and bending his neck down so the tears of shame that started pouring down his face wouldn’t be seen. “You just had to go and fucking rebel and leave him alone to deal with all the shit you’ve caused!

“He was my friend, Black,” the Death Eater then muttered in a deadly slow speed while releasing the Cruciatus Curse so Sirius could properly hear what every syllable he wanted to say. “He was my friend and not a single day had I seen him smile a genuine, unforced smile ever since you left because of all the terror that never allowed any happiness to permeate his life. Not a single hour had he seemed like the person he was when I first met him and not even a single minute had I not noticed the paranoia he abruptly started suffering from, all because of one fucking almighty brother that should have acted like one before his only brother would die at eighteen without a body to even find and fucking honour! You just have no idea what you had done to his life.”

“And you know what?” the mysterious Death Eater once again said after a short silence, his voice full of even more resentment and venomosity. “I won’t kill you, Black, even though with a single flick I can wipe you away from the entire universe and believe me, I would wholeheartedly do it... But you deserve to live within the pain you had put Regulus in.”

And as if Sirius was a piece of dirt, Bartemius Crouch Junior kicked him away roughly with all the hatred that had been filling him towards Sirius Black for leading his only friend to death, and left him in his stunned form to mourn over the damage he had caused.

And how ironic that years later when Sirius had seen Bartemius behind the bars of Azkaban whilst him entering it, all what Sirius saw in him was how young and misguided he seemed, undeserving of such place and how it pained him when he saw Regulus’s youth flickering in him for a moment, never guessing that he was the one that shattered his soul.

•|∆

The Death Eater had vanished, and yet Sirius wasn’t completely alone, for some other torturous companions had arrived to complete what the mystical guy had started and break him even more.

Memories.

His problem with memories wasn’t that they existed, but it was the fact that he was so adamant to hide them away in one secluded block inside his mind so he would be saved from their torment. It was funny how some people regard memories as something precious to be sought at the time of agony to relieve one’s pain, whereas in the meantime, it had the completely opposite reaction on Sirius.

Because all they did was remind him of how terrible of a brother he was.

And they all just came racing towards him, leaving him with cracked sobs and pleads for them to stop.

“You’re my brother, Regulus!”

“THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE REMEMBERED THAT BEFORE YOU LEFT!”

“No, please, no...” he croaked, his entire body blenching and quailing, not knowing how to deal with the immensity of this emotional pain.

“What about the freedom that will cause others pain? Is that one valid to you too?”

Even breathing began to become a challenge for Sirius at that point, and his gasps of air were all filled with sobs and cracked repeated words to the void. “It’s not, it’s not. I swear it is not.” he kept saying, as if Regulus was in front of him, voicing out his accusatorial cold question just like the first time he had uttered those words.

“You left me alone, Sirius. And yet you didn’t care...”

“Regulus—” he kept on repeating; a mantra of the name he would never directly address. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Regulus.” he let out, the tears falling rapidly on his cheeks, the ache physically hurting him.

“Your remorse would never be able to heal the hole you had already carved inside me.”

And with this memory showing up, all his sobbing had suddenly ceased.

“What have I done,” he asked himself in a very low whisper, not believing how he could have abandoned the one that had always stood beside him when they were young and loved him no matter what. How could he have been so selfish, so blind to see that Regulus was too young and shouldn’t have been left alone with fascists like his parents to boss around his life? What would have affected him if he even begged his brother to come with him more than once? His dignity would have been smeared?

He can very well certify now that there wasn’t a single trace of self-respect inside him after what his actions had caused.

And it made him start sobbing again, even harder this time, and his body flamed with every tear as if someone had thrown him in an endless abyss of fire, and dejectedly, all he could do was yell to the sky the same question he had foolishly asked himself a few moments ago, aching for any kind of reply back.

“WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE!”

And if that all wasn’t enough, a panic attack had also arrived and fed on his soul, sucking it out and throwing it inside a whole wide world consisting of solely anxiety and distress. His entire body was drenched with cold sweat and all he could do was shiver back and forth. It wasn’t a new feeling to him, at all in fact, for he was used to it when he was still a little boy, but living for a long period of time without experiencing it seriously made it ways worse.

And it really was astounding how a person, who fights on nearly daily basis, could have hidden such anguish and distress for so long to the point of it all exploding and him breaking down entirely.

He fought on nearly daily basis, but could not fight his own hellish thoughts.

It was all so weird for him, all baffling and exhausting to accept because Sirius never allowed his emotions to control him the way they were doing now.

And he no longer had any fucking idea as to how to fight back.

Sirius never even admitted out loud to Regulus that his sole existence had a major role in Sirius’s life, taking part of shaping him the way he was because he was his brother, flesh and blood and everything. Losing him now wasn’t just like losing a limb or an organ but far more dreadful, for it felt like he lost altogether the identity of who he was and his soul just felt foreign to his body.

And he didn’t know what to do, or what should he feel from the contradiction of feelings inside of him, as in one second he felt scarred and scared and angry and pained and riled and drained and tortured and maimed and just so damning ashamed.

And it was all in vain.

“You’re the reason he’s dead” the Death Eater had told him, and not a single brain cell or nerve of his was able to contradict such a statement because Sirius knew he was to be blamed about whatever happened to his younger brother. He had left Regulus alone, afraid from rebelling, which ultimately led to this shattering point. He had no idea how to live with such guilt and terror because in the midst of it all, Sirius failed to notice how he, too, was young and fragile. He didn’t understand that he wasn’t responsible for every decision others made, no matter how dreadful they turned out to be. He just couldn’t get that it wasn’t always his fault.

The notion of just ending all the aching pain he had been feeling had crossed his mind even if he knew it wasn’t the right solution, but it sure as hell would stop the flaming fire inside him from further scorching his burnt heart, and yet he was too weak to face death deliberately. His soul kept shouting at him to seek some comfort, any kind of it, yet his mind kept repeating to him how unworthy of any kind of compassion or warmth he was.

You deserve to live within the pain you had put Regulus in.

And that pain seemed infinite, as if trapped within a loop of an unstoppable force trying to phase through an unbreakable shield. He just wanted it to stop, for everything to be ceased because it was too much for him to take even with all the strength he had, but it seemed that all the masks he had worn throughout the years, shielding him from breaking down, had crumbled and fallen apart in a way where they can never be fixed again, and now the whole wide world would start noticing how broken Sirius Black actually was.

Sirius didn’t even know what was paining him more; the fact that his only brother was dead or the fact that he had let him down and abandoned him when he needed him the most.

How stupid was he to not notice the signs when he last met him? How thick and dull could he have been not to see the desperate veiled call for help Regulus had so subtly hidden? How fucking idiotic of him to not force him away from that road even though Regulus basically confessed to him what he had done! What kind of a brother was he to let his beloved brother down all these years without doing anything to save him alongside of him? How could he just accept what he had done and live with it...

Hours had passed until his tears had stopped, his body no longer cooperating with him to do anything as it was physically drained from the torture he had received earlier too. He started to get up, falling thrice before he was actually able to hold himself, and he spiritlessly looked around for his forgotten wand somewhere unscathed.

As if life was saving him some grace, he found his wand thrown beside him. He didn’t even care that the apparition he was about to go through might splinch him half when he was barely able to stand, as nothing seemed to matter to him anymore.

Another small mercy, for without getting hurt furthermore, Sirius was able to arrive in front of the house of the most accepting soul who might help deflate the excruciating pain he had been feeling, even if he knew he should no longer associate himself with him because all he did was lead his brothers to their deaths. Still deep in thought whether he even had the energy to turn around and leave, he didn’t notice his newlywed sister opening her door and freezing from the tortured and horrific state of him at the crack of dawn.

“Sirius?” Lily Potter slowly whispered, reaching forward to hold him but recoiling when she saw him unintentionally flinching from her touch for some unknown reason.

“Dead,” Sirius said monotonously, as if indirectly describing his own current state. “He’s dead, Lily.”

And he could no longer take it and fainted.

TBC...