My life is full of torment ever since my mother left us. I don't remember when and how, but one thing is for sure, I hated her because of that. Not a single memory of love, care and a picture perfect family I could remember. Maybe, my mind already initiated to forget her for all the hatred I felt towards her.

Our house is so dull and sadness lingers all around. Every day, everything happens repeatedly. I would see my father in our living room holding a picture of my mother. I felt pity for him, for he is just letting the pain and lies absorbs him.

I always speak unto him with words full of anger and question him,

"Why would you still want to remember her?" I often asked him this.

But he would answer me time to time.

"If you only knew," repeated answer he would utter.

Every time my father said that to me, I feel pain and guilt inside me. The guilt that everyday grows that I don't even know why.

***

One night, a dream came to me like a rush. I see a woman with an endearing smile and hair that sways in the air. She is beautiful and I know who she is. It is the woman who happens to be my mother who I hated for a long time.

"Why did you leave us?" I ask her.

And her beautiful smile slowly fades away and all I could see is a weary eye with lips so pale with words that are mute.

I know she said something but I couldn't remember what it is. Then, everything went black and dreaded events came in. But, every time it happens I always wake up.

I always wake up catching my breath, with sweat all over my face, feeling sad and there this guilt that I always feel that I really didn't know why.

That dream happens to me most of my nights but always ended blurry. I couldn't understand why I always feel that guilt every time that dream visits me.

I always let myself sleep again and try to forget my dream, that maybe it will not come back again. But, my dream became my nightmare every now and then and it seems to haunt me because of something.

My guilt grows even deeper that I could even blame myself for something I didn't even know what. Every day, I wake up with questions on my head.

I always plan to ask my father for everything happen back then, but I always ended not spitting out any single word from my mouth.

I always want to have answers with my questions and maybe that would explain why I feel this guilt inside me.

*****

One afternoon, my father is in our kitchen. His head is bow down with eyes glued on his coffee and I can sense that he is thinking for something and I already had a clue what it is.

It will always be my mother and I'm pretty sure of that. Despite of not uttering a words, I can tell that he want to say, "I love you and I missed you," to her.

I then had a chance to ask him. I walk towards him and I sit next to his chair.

"Dad," I softly utter.

"Yes?" he answer.

I then grabb all the courage I have.

"Can you tell me everything?" I ask him and that is the first time I ask him like that.

My father face me and I know that any moment he will cry but instead he hug me. That hug is new to me, it isn't the same hug he gave to me before.

The hug is like he is telling me that, "You don't need to worry. Everything is alright," and that leads me to be more confuse.

Then, my father grab me into our garage. He leads me to his car and gesture to sit inside. He immediately gets inside on the car also and pulls the ignition.

We left our house but I didn't know where we are going. I didn't ask my father and we pass every road silently. When we pass something familiar to me, I then realize where we are heading. We are on our way to the cemetery but I don't know why.

When we finally arrive in the entrance gate, he turned off the car. He led the way to the cemetery and I follow him. He is silent and that give me the hint to be silent also.

We can only hear the hushing of the wind and the sound of the small insects around the cemetery. It is creepy in there and it gives me chills. Then, my father stop in a tombstone with an angel figure on the top.

"There she is," my father said while pointing the name engrave on the tombstone.

"Maria Therese M. Lopez, born on May 12, 1977 and died on April 6, 2005, a loving daughter, sister, wife and mother. You will always be remembered and we love you!" I trace every words softly.

"She is your mother," my father added.

I can't speak that time.

I lost for words and I don't know what to response.

All my senses had stop.

I feel like the time stop that time and can't even move.

Then suddenly my father speak, "she loves you."

Then I felt water in my face and realized I am crying already. We didn't converse with my father anymore.

We left the cemetery and still I can't believe what I have known. I hate my mother for my whole existence in this world thinking that she left us not knowing she is already dead. But, why can't I remember her, not even a single memory of her. I know there is still something I didn't know yet.

It is already dark when we arrive at home. I rush into my room and mourn too lately and I cry myself to sleep.

***

I woke up in a familiar place.

I am in my parents room but I don't remember why I'm here. Then, I see my parents and they were arguing for some matter that I don't know what.

There were already shouting. I put myself between them and talked but they seem to be not aware of my presence. I keep on talking on them and I even hold my father's arm but still, no response from them.

Then, a little girl came in.

I could tell from her figure that she was about five years old and she was too innocent to witness what's happening. I was wondering who the little girl was. I looked on her seriously recognizing every detail of her face and it's too familiar.

I know that I know that little girl but I couldn't remember her.

Then my mom said "Oh honey bear little Maddie, don't cry." and I was struck from that moment.

I now remember who that little girl was. It was me back when I'm a child. That's how my mother would call me.

But the little me run outside the room and came rushing to the stairs and went to our living room. My mother followed the little resemblance of me.

My father was left in their room and putting his hands in his head and seems he didn't know what to do.

And suddenly, a gunshot echoed in the entire house. My father was shocked and I was also. Then my father zoomed in the living room and I followed immediately.

I witnessed in my eyes, in my own two naked eyes, my mother lays in a pool of blood and she was lifeless.

My father went to my mother directly and hugged her telling "I'm sorry" and crying so hard. But that was not only the dreaded event that scares me the most.

The little girl who was me was in the corner of our living room trembling and crying out loud but it terrifies me the most the thing she was holding.

It was a gun.

Minutes passed and I heard the sirens of the police mobile. Policemen came inside in our house and immediately asked what happened. They arrested my father directly suspecting that he killed my mother and the little girl was got by the custody of the child care.

I followed them outside and could see the neighbors chattering and talking things not even knowing the real thing happened.

The setting suddenly shifted and I was in the police office and they were interrogating my father.

After hours of asking too many things, they bailed out my father for finding he did not killed my mother and discovered I was the one who did it.

The scene shifted again and I was in a small white room with the same little girl who was me and I could tell that it I was in a hospital. She seems to be not in her state and blankly sitting in her bed. Then suddenly my father came inside the room with a doctor.

"She has amnesia. The trauma she encountered had let her mind washed out everything she witnessed. She could not even remember that she killed her own mother." the doctor had said.

Tears immediately came rushing from my eyes and I felt sorry for the little girl. My father was also crying and he hugged the little girl, the same hugged he gave to me when I asked him for everything.

I now realized everything.

I was the one to put in blame of the non-existence of my mother for the rest of my life. I already realized the guilt I felt every time that dream visits me. I close my eyes and cry and cry and suddenly I finally woke up.

***

I'm in my own bed with tears on my eyes and realized everything.

Awaken from my own horror, I remember everything.

I was the little girl and I killed my mother back then.

📍📍📍📍📍
Raw and unedited. Expect typo and grammatical errors. Thank you for reading, lovies.

Your truly,
ATENG ZK