Valerie

Once Elliot and Jessi left, the guilt sank in. I hadn't meant to react like that. I don't know what happened but it sort of just came out. Then Elliot informed me that Genesis said she isn't holding it against me and I felt even worse; slightly angry at her, but remorseful nonetheless.

I mean, she hasn't really done anything but offer me help but I feel threatened by her presence.

We had English together afterwards and she waved at me on the way to her seat over at the other side of the class but I couldn't make myself comply. Instead, I threw myself into my work until I was certain it was good enough for submission.

***

"Have you got any plans for the day Val?" dad asks as I saunter into the kitchen. It's way too early to be up on a Saturday morning but I felt too exhausted to even sleep.

"Morning Dad." I greet, picking up a bowl. "No I don't."

"Great." He replies, smiling. "I need you to help me with something."

"What is it?"

What I really want to ask is, 'is this why you've been all nice to me?' but I don't; I can't. I just hope it's a request I can keep up with.

"I have a new boss." He says, taking a sip of his black coffee. Dad always drinks his coffee black. "And we're having a golfing day with him somewhere today so I need you to keep his daughter company." Another sip. "She should be about your age."

Great; just great. Today of all days when I won't have the twins as backup.

They're going on a weekend trip to see their grandparents over at Milwaukee

"Sure dad." I reply, filling my bowl with cereal. "I'll do my best."

"Thanks Val." He replies, taking his leave.

Two hours later when I've freshened up and am lying on my bed, dad calls for me downstairs and I head out. Earlier on, mum left to run some errands. She said she'd stop at the salon afterwards.

"Good morning Sir," I greet the handsome looking middle aged man standing just a few meters from our doorway. He had got the nicest smile I've ever seen on a parent.

"My daughter, Valerie." Dad says, introducing us.

"Pleasure to meet you." He beams. "I'm sure you'll get along well with-

I don't hear the rest of what he says because just then guess who saunters in through the front door?

"You" I gasp, eyes involuntarily narrowing just a bit.

"Hi Valerie." She smiles, somewhat uncertainly.

"You too know each other?"

"Yes." She replies, without missing a bit.

"We're classmates." I add.

"Perfect." Dad smiles. "This shouldn't be a problem then. We'll be back before you know it."

That said, both men say their goodbyes, with Valerie's dad hugging her, and are out the door before we know to say Jack Robinson.

"So our dads work together." She says, putting her hands in her back pocket in what I assume is a nervous gesture. "Who would have thought?"

I shrug then walking down the hall.

This is so awkward. She's acting like I didn't just bitch to her yesterday.

"Do you want something to drink?" I ask trying my best to be hospitable.

"Uh, do you guys have orange juice?"

"Yeah we do." I reply. "It's this way."

Genesis sits at the kitchen counter while I pour her some juice. I wait patiently for her to finish it before picking out two bags of chips from the pantry and leading her to my room.

"Nice room." she smiles, taking in my dark maroon walls and personalized headboard.

"Thanks." I reply tossing her a packet. "You can uh, sit on my bed if you want."

"It's okay." She smiles, motioning towards my desk chair. "I'll just sit there."

Genesis perches herself somewhat precariously on my chair while I lie listlessly on my bed. An uneasy silence ensues as we both much on barbeque flavored chips.

"These are my favorite kind." She points to her packet. "Thank you."

"I didn't mean it." I blurt much to my own surprise.

"Excuse me?" she asks, brows furrowing in confusion.

"Yesterday and before that that as well." I explain, sitting up in my bed. "I didn't mean any of it. It's just; I don't know what came over me."

"It's okay." She smiles. "I forgive you."

"That's it?" I ask, scrutinizing her.

"Yeah." She shrugs. "What else were you expecting?"

"I don't know but only Elliot, Jessi and Danny ever forgive me so easily. Everyone else always makes me pay for my actions."

"Well now you can add me to that list." She smiles softly. 'Who's Danny?"

"My brother."

"Oh." She replies, popping another chip in her mouth. "Does he go to our school?"

"No." I shake my head, smiling despite myself. "He's getting married."

"wow." She exclaims. "You must be excited."

"More or less." I shrug.

If Genesis notices the scowl on my face, she doesn't say anything.

"Why did you move here?" I ask curiously.

"Dad got a promotion." She replies. "So we had to come down here."

"I'm sorry that was a pretty stupid question." I say, mentally face palming myself.

Duh, Val! Her dad is your dad's new boss.

"It's okay." She smiles. "Everyone's allowed a couple of them."

Why is she so nice?

"Do you have any siblings?"

She shakes her head. "No. my mum wanted more than one kid though."

Maybe it's just me but when she says the word mum, her tone changes ever so slightly.

"So we're seeing a little brother or sister in your future?" I ask, trying to keep up the conversation because I find talking to her really nice for some reason.

"Nope." She pops the P.

"Why not?"

"My mum can't have kids anymore." She smiles sadly.

"Oh." I say, face contorting into that of empathy. "I'm so sorry. Did she have an accident?"

"Oh it's not like that." She rushes to say. "I mean like." Her voice drops a notch. "We lost her a few years ago."

"Oh!" I say, interlacing my finger nervously. 'I'm so sorry for your loss."

I can't believe this is the same person I just spent the past week judging!

"Thank you." She smiles. "It was a long time ago anyway."

We stay silent again and I head down after a while to get us some drinks. After handing one to Genesis, I sit back on my bed, watching her intently. Swiftly, she brings it to her lips and tips the tumbler, gulping down nearly half the glass.

Guess she was really thirsty.

Staring at her dark brunette hair and full pink lips, my mind absently conjures up an image of Alissa. Genesis is so like her in a number of ways. Take the way she tried to help me in the bathroom the other day for example; Alissa would have done that for a stranger too. And the way she forgave me without missing a beat.

"I know what it's like to lose someone too." I say, absent mindedly running my thumb and forefinger over the rim of my glass. "A few years ago, my cousin Alissa passed away."

"Alissa?" Genesis's head snaps up. "Did she attend Wayland Academy?" she asks cautiously.

"Yeah..." I trail. 'How did you know?"

"The world is such a small place." She mutters to herself before addressing me. "I have a neighbor; her name's Dakota Johnson and she told me about her friend who died, Alissa Parker- hold on a minute." She gushes that last part out mid-sentence.

"I should have seen the connection." She says. "Your surname is Parker too but I just guessed you weren't related."

"I know Dakota." I say softly, setting down the glass on my bedside table, tears are threatening to fall down my face but I really don't want to break down in front of a somewhat stranger.

"I'm sorry for your loss." Genesis says. She gets up off the chair and comes to sit on the bed beside me, squeazing my arm lightly.

I don't know what it is about that gesture but something in me breaks and the tears flow freely.

"There there." She says, patting my back. "Let it all out."

"I reckon you never really talked about her." She says after I've quietened down a bit.

"No" I shake my head. "I tried once during counselling but it didn't work out so well."

"Do you uh, okay, this is weird because you barely know me but if you want to talk about it-

"I cut her off then, nodding my head to signify yes. "I find it easier talking to you about it because I don't know you so well. It makes it seem like I can say anything."

She smiles softly then, giving me time to gather my thoughts.

"It was a little over three years ago." I say, taking a deep breath. "Summer holidays were slowly coming to an end and I told Alissa to join me for one last party before she left for school. She didn't want to but I kept pestering her until she gave in." my voice breaks when I remember how I'd pleaded with, taunted and bugged her until she agreed.

"That night we snuck out because I knew my parents wouldn't let me if I asked for permission. Alissa wasn't the least bit happy about it but she didn't want me going off on my own. That's the kind of person she was; always putting other people's needs before hers."

Genesis nods, encouraging me to continue as I wipe at my tear stained cheeks.

"The party was a blast. We met up with my friend Kourtney and that night, we had the time of our lives. By the time we had to head home, I was nearly drunk senseless."

Genesis gives a small involuntary gasp, but says nothing so I go on.

"Saying good bye to Kourtney who wished to stay a bit longer, Lisa led me to the car and helped me in. she was smart so of course she didn't have too many drinks."

"She pulled us out of the front yard and began driving us back home. I was making it difficult for her in my drunken state and she kept having to put me in order. Finally, I tried to open the door while the car was still in motion so Lisa tried to grab me."

"It would have been okay that she did." I sob. "Except, when she grabbed me, she couldn't control the car with just one hand and so she crashed into a transformer that had been placed on the road. The impact threw me completely out the car, out of harm's way but Lisa...

"I killed her Gen." I wail, letting my tears flow freely. "It's all my fault."

I start sobbing again and Genesis holds me, rocking back and forth.

"It's okay." She whispers soothingly in my ear. "You didn't kill her."

"But I did." I say, wiping at my eyes. "If I hadn't gone for that party she never would have-

"Shhh." She says softly, cutting me off. "You can't keep blaming yourself for this. What's done is done and yes you acted imprudently." She holds my face gently, gazing into my eyes. "You didn't kill her Valerie. You're not a murder."

"You see" she continues, letting go. "When mum died, I would blame myself, thinking of everything I could have done differently but that doesn't change anything. Blaming yourself won't bring her back Val and I bet she wouldn't want you beating yourself up like this".

I nod, smiling through the tears. "Mum and dad changed completely after that." I say, picking at my nails. "They push me so hard at school and wouldn't even treat me right. Somehow I don't blame them, I mean I did a terrible thing but it hurts you know? They didn't even consider the fact that I would be hurting too."

"Everyone handles grief differently. I think maybe they're scared you'll make the same mistake again. You need to talk to them."

"What?" I ask incredulously.

"Yes." She says firmly. "You're going to talk to them and I'll help you."

Gen and I talk a bit more after that and watch a bit of TV while waiting for our parents. 

Mum's the first to arrive. Her dark hair looking so shiny and beautiful. I introduce her to Gen who wastes no time in complementing her as we help prepare dinner.

When dad and Mr. White arrive, we sit down to dinner and have a blast. They tell us about their day golfing and we chat and laugh. I can't remember the last time dinner felt so good at our place.

"Mum, dad." I say, clearing my throat when we're all sat in the living room after dinner. Genesis takes my hand, encouraging me to go on. "I need to speak with you; both of you, please."

"Well sure honey." Mum coos. "Let's go in the kitchen shall we?"

Dad excuses us from Mr. White. He doesn't seem to mind though; he is sat transfixed on the game. I signal to Gen to tag along but she subtly shakes her head.

"Family business." She mouths, leaning back comfortably into the sofa.

I follow my parents into the kitchen and we all get seated at the counter.

"I think I have a drinking problem." I blurt, hand instinctively flying up to cover my mouth.

Why on earth?

"Excuse me?" mum asks but dad shakes his head.

"I always wondered about the missing bottles here and there." He says. "I never thought it would be you though. I thought maybe one of the cleaning staff nicked one every once in a while."

Well, there's no going back now.

"I don't usually mean to." I say, playing my hands. "It's just, it makes the pain go away, even if it's just for a moment. And I love you guys, I really do but most days, I can't stand living here with you two."

Mum gasps and Dad looks speechless.

"Alissa and I were this close." I intertwine my fore and middle fingers. "And I kept on blaming myself for her death. You both did not notice and you've done nothing to help. All you do is nag me to be just like Danny."

"Val- mum begins but I cut her off.

"You probably don't even realize that you treat me this way and that's what hurts the most."

"Valerie we love you for who you are but might I point out that all through your freshman and sophomore years you had a nasty little behavior. You made us change. It didn't happen overnight Val but Alissa's death proved to be the last straw."

"Peter!" mum shrieks, holding him down.

His words hit me right in the middle and my defenses collapse.

I can't do this.

Yes you can, Gen's voice whispers back in my head.

"I know that." I say, voice breaking. "I take full responsibility for all my actions but you don't even know the half of it dad. I'm struggling in here." I point to my head. "And in here." Now I point to my heart. "Every single day."

"You didn't even give me the chance to change. I mean, Danny had to push you day after day before you enlisted me for counselling sessions."

"Yes because we didn't think you were so far gone."

"Well I was." I reply, almost whispering. "I am."

"Oh Valerie." Mum exclaims, coming over to hug me. It feels really nice. I can't remember the last time she hugged me like this.

"I'm so sorry mum." I sob

"This is my fault too." She rocks me back and forth. "That's why I've been trying to change. I began to realize how wrong I was but I had no idea how to talk about it. "

"And mine." Dad comes round to the both of us, placing a hand on each of our shoulders.

"I'm sorry dad." I say. "I really am."

"I love you Val." He smiles halfheartedly. "And I forgive you."

"I'm sorry sweetie." Mum coos.

"Me too." Dad adds. "At a point we failed you. We pushed you too hard in the belief that we were helping you. I was wrong Valerie and I'm sorry. "

"It's okay." I reply, wiping at my tear stained face. "I forgive you too."

  "We don't even want you to be like Danny" he winks  and I chuckle, staring into his kind brown eyes.

"Tell you what?" mum pulls away. "How about we invite Danny over tomorrow and book an appointment with Doctor Brown?"

"That would be nice Mum." I reply, nodding.

I mean sure I've said a few thing but we still need time to talk it all over; to start again.

After a nice family hug we all head back into the living room were the Whites are ready to leave.

"Thanks for having us Dylan." Mr. White says, shaking hands with dad.

"Yes Mr. Parker." Gen says. "It was really nice."

"You're welcome." Dad replies, smiling proudly.

"Thanks so much Gen." I whisper into her ear as we head out the front door to their front door. "I'll never be able to repay you for this."

"You don't need to." She smiles when we pull apart. "Good night."

With that they both get into the car and drive off with mum, dad and I waving cheerily.

What a day, I think hopping onto my bed.

I think of Gen and everything we'd discussed earlier and suddenly, a bout of inspiration hits me.

Time for you know what.

"She was different. She was strange. In a world full of people who worked like parts of one big machine, she was an unmatched screw. In a room full of fused bulbs, she was the one that gave light. In a line of disciplined ants, she was that one ant which went the wrong way. No one followed her. She walked alone on a path she made for herself.

She was different.

She was insane. People whispered about her on the streets, warning their children not to waste their lives like her. They told them to follow the system. They told them to be a part of the machine. They warned them to think like everybody else, do what everybody did. They told them never to be like her.

Because she was different.

People whispered, people stared, but she didn't care. They told her that she couldn't wake up, and that this was not a dream. She was part of a machine, not a human being with flesh and blood. It was all a show they said, and to keep it going, she had to live on the stage.

But she didn't care. She was different.

She did live in a dream. She was not part of any machine. She lived in reality. She had thoughts of her own, she did things nobody else did.

Their voices never left her. They told her what to do, how to think. But she never listened. She did what she wanted to, and she seemed happier than everyone else. There seemed to be a flaw in her code, a flaw no one could fix. She was proud of that fault, it made her different.

She loved being different.

Hideaway Girl xxx."

That done, I drop my laptop off on my desk and get under my covers, ready to turn in.

For the first time in ages, I soon fall soundly asleep.