TRIGGER WARNING: ANXIETY & PANIC ATTACKS

Panic: you think you know it; but you don't.

Most people think panic is when you get a smidge stressed about something and perhaps can't sit still. But let me tell you, it is more than that. Until recently I hadn't understood to the point at which panic can impinge on a person's life and what it really feels like to be in the midst of full-blown, frenetic panic.

Panic attacks. These are something I have had to combat as of lately.

I didn't recognise what it was at first; I genuinely thought I'd finally cracked.

It's a scary thing to someone whose never experienced one before. You feel like you're having a heart attack, suffocating and about to puke up the entirety of your internal anatomy all at the same time.

But when I identified it as what it was: chronic anxiety attacks, it took me a good while to accept that yes, I, courageous, resilient and rational Charles Xavier was suffering from anxiety. You don't ever think you could let yourself fall into such a trap; torturing yourself with negative thoughts and emotions.

I was so wrong.

It's not in your control. It's really not.

I went into this naive and uneducated on the matter. Before now I'd thought an anxiety attack was simply a small bit of hyperventilation and stress; but it's so much more.

From what I've read, the sort of thing that can bring them on is periods where the victim - yes this term is entirely necessary - experiences high levels of stress/anxiety over a significant period of time. It can come amidst that period of time, or it can come after - almost like a delayed shock reaction.

My psychiatrist seems to reckon that I'm inverting the bad feelings and thoughts. I try to hide from them and that doesn't make them go away. It just bottles them up, and then eventually it all bubbles over. The least healthy thing I can do is pretend it isn't happening - because it is. But talking about it seems to diffuse it; because, believe it or not: 'A problem shared is a problem halved'.

I had always thought that proverb was complete horseshit, but even writing it down now seems to take the edge of the anxiety.

So what does an anxiety attack really feel like?

It feels like the world is ending around you. It feels like you're going to die. It feels like you're going insane. It's like being a prisoner in your own head and being attacked by your own imagination. And these mental symptoms are coupled with physical symptoms that are completely debilitating.

I found myself shaking without rhyme or reason; literally quaking until I was dizzy.

Shortness of breath is the next thing. I could practically hear myself wheezing but I found myself unable to do anything about it. In your head you can scream at yourself to get it under control, but in such blind panic it's hard to take the necessary steps to reign your breathing in to a healthy intake and output.

Your heart, it feels like it's thundering so fast it might just give out, or burst out of your chest as an alternative. And that's the thing that perhaps worries me about it the most; the fact I can't get my damned heart to slow down.

There's always a small voice in the back of my head that's telling me: "You need to calm down! It's alright! You know there's no immediate threat to you! You're okay! You're safe!" but it seems to get drowned out under my harsh breathing and the ringing in my ears.

So, between the crippling anxiety attacks, there have been other symptoms. I seem to continuously shake like some flea-ridden hound, my own knees buckling under me. My breathing never seems to be quite steady, and my heart is always palpitating away.

The only time I seem to find peace is when I'm sleeping. And sleeping has been a hard enough job. I try to busy my mind, distract myself from whatever abstract force seems to be making me anxious, but the second I put the book down and my reading light goes off - the panic sets in. I shut my eyes and everything seems to pour in at once, like a tsunami. I'll quake and sweat and gasp under my duvet, clinging onto pillows and throws to try and get me through the horrors.

When I wake up, the anxiety sets in again almost instantly - by God, it's like my own companion. I'd compare it to a pet; but that would suggest it's friendly and I nurture it. No, it's more like a dark cloud: following me around, raining on my day, clouding my rational thoughts.

It makes meal times difficult. Any time that I spend sedentary seems to accelerate the panic, I give myself time to sit and think and panic about anything and everything. My hands will be shaking too much for me to spear any food on any of my cutlery and my stomach will feel too ill to take in any food. So, I've come to worry about not eating. And when it's time to eat, I worry. It's a self perpetuating cycle and I don't know how to break it just yet.

It's stopped me doing things. I don't feel like I can participate in day to day life because I'm so phased out in my own mind where I'm just continually panicking. I feel too anxious to go out, because I'm scared of having a panic attack in public - which has happened, but I've survived it. And because I survived it, I feel like I'm able to cope with it if it happens again.

Which brings me to my next point; you mustn't judge yourself for feeling the way you do. I've agonised over it; telling myself I'm "not right", "I'm sick" or "It's not normal" - but it is! It's part of the human conditioning that we feel this way. You can't judge yourself because it's mostly out of your control, but you do have the power to stop it. And don't let yourself feel like other people will judge you for how you feel. You don't have time to worry about other people.

Be selfish - do whatever you have to to rid yourself of the panic. Lock yourself away and cling onto something. Cry, it's a healthy emotional outlet. Talk to yourself, self soothing will help bring you through much sooner.

You do what you can to keep yourself calm:

I've tried reading, that seems to keep it at bay for a while, but eventually your eyes are just skimming the words and you zone out into that world of panic again. You try playing and instrument, and you feel like it's looming over your shoulder, just waiting for you to give it some attention.

The worst thing you can do is give it attention. The more you pay attention to your anxiety, the more you feel it, and the more you feed it, the bigger and meaner it gets. But yes, it is stupidly difficult not to pay attention to it when it's making you feel physical symptoms.

Distraction doesn't work for me; I can't fend it off that way. It just seems to fester like a nasty wound and comes back to bite me later. Not to say that distraction doesn't work for other people!

What you really have to do is accept it. The panic is happening. There's not much you can do about that. You have to let the anxiety attack wash over you and let yourself slip out the other side; refreshed and stable. Because you will come out of the other side. The panic attack will last the shortest fraction of time and you will feel so much better if you don't fight it. Fighting it just riles it up more - perhaps, yes! - do imagine it like an animal; wrestling with it only makes it more vicious and it's harder to calm down.

Let your panic attack do it's worst, and you'll perhaps find that the worst isn't as bad as you think it will be. And once it's passed, you will have - at the very least - a temporary reprieve.

Needless to say when you're in the midst of the panic, it's impossible to see the world clearly. Everything is blown way out of proportion in your head and you feel like you're never going to overcome it. You feel like you're going to be eternally stuck in that panic. You don't know how you're going to get out of that panic.

But I promise you, fresh out the other side of one now, it does pass. It does get better - as cliche and unbelievable as that sounds.

As I come out of a panic attack, I seem to feel on a different plane for a while, a bit out of touch. The feeling is euphoric and unreal. You think "My word, I may have actually conquered this!" But it's far too easy to slip back into the cycle of, "but what if I start panicking again?" and then you do. And then you're back to square one.

But that's okay. It is escapable. And you are capable.

And yes, for a while after, you may still shake for a small while as the adrenaline leaves your system. You may even feel more panic on the horizon - but that's okay, that's normal. Exercising seems to take the adrenaline away - movement of any kind gives the adrenaline a healthy outlet, rather than sitting there cooped up in your system until you're at the foot of another panic attack.

I find when I'm in times of panic that I look around at other people and think, "how are you not panicking right now? There's so much to panic about!" but when I evaluate it; I don't really know what I'm panicking about.

The world is still turning, I'm still fine, nothing has changed.

Another thing I've been faced with is guilt for feeling fine. After being suspended in a state of panic for so long, when I come out the other side, I don't give myself the ability not to panic. I feel wrong if I don't panic. Because something will go wrong eventually, right?

Wrong.

You can't possibly know what the future holds. And that's okay. And if something does come your way, you will combat it and come out the other side triumphant. The years you've lived so far are proof of that resilience. And yes, a lot of bad things happen, but they're not happening now. So you mustn't panic.

What can you do to keep it at bay?

Remove negative influences where you can: this is people that might trigger you, scenarios that might trigger you and articles that might trigger you. This will genuinely make you feel a lot securer in your person.

Do things that make you happy! Find the things that make you happy and do them! Any happy influence can take you higher out of that rut. It can't possibly make it worse.

Be honest with yourself; recognise that it is happening, and remember that you can deal with it. Remember you're not alone. Find someone you can invest your trust in and pour your heart out to them, everything that makes you anxious - for me, it's this diary. If you admit it's happening, you're no longer internalising the issue. You may even find someone to hold you hand, talk to you or rub your back when you're going through the panic attack; I haven't had that luxury though.

If you don't have anyone, find what you can to hold onto; ground yourself; externalise yourself to the panic and your bodily reaction.

The most important thing to remember is that this is all temporary and it won't last. The panic - even if it currently seems constant - will subside. You will be alright. The moments when you're not panicking; remember them and hold onto them. They'll make you feel better. They'll remind you that you can be okay.

That I will eventually be okay.

I'm ready to fight this with all I have. I can fight this.

A/N - This feels like a bit of a therapy session, but ah well!

Dedication goes to Deadpoolislife! x