6 MONTHS AGO

"We should get a cat." It's firm, the first thing she's said in a minute. Her back's against the headboard, knees bent to her chest.

She's a cat. Of course she'd want one. Her eyes narrow in on me and I'd like to kiss her.

It's like the only important thing to say, she's turned her head back after proclamation, glasses perched on her nose bridge, buried in a book.

Chloe's not too affectionate. She likes her space, I thought I wouldn't like that but I do. I can lay on my stomach without feeling weight on top of me, sometimes I want her on top of me.

But it feels calm, like we can coexist without expectation. I like her. She's quick witted and funny as hell and so serious when she wants to be.

And we have a cat. I'm sure she's made up her mind.

Big brown eyes, her gaze turns to me again once more, curious, fingertips clip the edge of delicate pages.

She's pretty when she looks at me like that.

She's pursing her lips, nodding. I wanna kiss her. She likes to kiss me first, she likes to pull me in.

She likes it when I remember what she says. "A cat?" It seems like a good idea but random.

"You seem like a cat guy, you're not a cat guy?" It's inquisitive, always is. I dig the intellect, it feels very feline.

"Yeah, actually, I do indeed fuck with cats." It's something Ben would say so I try it out for size, Chloe laughs.

Nods enthusiastically, like she wasn't just stern six seconds prior. I lean to kiss her.

"So we should get a cat."

I'm not sure why she's even consulting me, I'm not on the lease. It's her choice to get a cat considering I live at Ben's.

I'm here three nights a week.

"No to a dog?"

"A dog is...fun," it's the way she shuts down the idea that's cute to me. She tiptoes around it to not tell me it's a bad one. From her face I can tell, "not for an apartment."

I don't know why I say "We should get a house." Part of me really thought it was a good idea. Chloe's kissing my forehead now.

The doorbell rings.

"I committed to a cat." She's sitting the book on her nightstand and slipping out of bed, only in my tee, and panties. I watch her legs while she walks away. "Named Matcha."

Don't even realize she's heading for the door until she's gone.

I keep telling her not to answer the door when I'm here, when I can answer. Or at least when she can check the ring camera.

But she's already at the door.

She opens it once I've got foot out of bed, I'm rounding the corner, stepping into the hallway, it's mindless chat.

She's turning around with a package once she's closed the door. There's a huge grin on her face, dopey, I wonder if she's still drunk from the night before.

"What's got you happy?"

"I ordered cat food last night." A quiet moment. She laughs again. "Deja-vu." Retreats back to the bed, pauses to pluck a book off the shelf.

I watch as she examines the hardcover, cradling an Amazon box in her forearm, I can imagine a cat nestled there.

I can imagine her letting it curl around her arm as she reaches to grab a book. She's a traitor to the one that sits in the bedroom. It's Friday, I'm sure she'll finish them both before Monday. Brushing through her bare legs, and stretching while she reads.

I watch the light, it sits right on her cheekbone.

"What're you reading?" I ask once she's decided. I'm following her back to bed, she drops the package by our bedroom door as if a reminder. Our anniversary's soon.

The first year. It's been easy. I could get her a cat.

"A Manhattan Night." She's tucked her body back into the sheets.

"Sounds like a Batman movie."

"That's Gotham." She dismisses. It's cute.

"I'm joking. Get it, Joker?"

It's funny enough cause her tiny fist is tapping my chest. "It's a good book! Its about a crime blogger who writes about female serial killers and accidentally falls in love with one."

"I knew you had a mean streak."

"Sounds like you want me to be mean to you." It's teasing, she's turning her gaze to me and I almost crumble, I do. "Can I be mean to you?"

It's odd that I'm into it. I can't be surprised, the first time I met her we had mind blowing sex. She jumped my bones, kept at it for hours. She kissed me and it's like the went silent.

And it's not like Paul. It's completely different. It's soft where he's hard, it's aggressive where he's calm. She's dominant and he's greedy and it's hard to compare them but I find myself doing it.

I'm always weighing how much I might love her against how much I miss him.

She's here. And she's wonderful. And she makes me feel good about myself, she makes me feel like I have interesting things to say and that my presence is wanted.

So I ask, "How mean?" Cause I know I'll love it if it's her. 

"Touch you. Tease you." She's running her nails up my chest, squeezing a bit, she bites my shoulder, it's cat like and feels more intimate than she probably thought.

It turns me on, the feeling of her all over me. And she's sliding sinewy fingers over me, feeling all of me in her hand. She waits for my okay. "Ride you if you're good."

"I'm always good."

It's enough for her to push her knee into the bed, kick a leg over. "You smell good."

"I took a shower."

"Good boy." She's straddled her thighs over mine. I'm pressing my fingers to the curl that hangs over her brow, stretching it when she swats my hand away.

Her hands press into my legs, she lifts her body. Then slides closer to me. Her chest presses against mine, my eyes travel there to soft skin.

A cherry necklace dangling between her breasts. She's so beautiful it hurts. And I'm so ready to feel her, to make her feel good.

I love watching her eyes fight to stay open. I love it when she forces me to pay attention. When she kisses me softly while bouncing.

And it pulls every cry out of me possible, her moans piercing into my mouth. Her hands all over me.

She's tugging my hair back, hips pressed into mine. She looks down at me with a beautifully wicked gaze.

Hooks her feet on my thighs for support before grinding down. It's only now apparent how little there is between us.

How I just have to undo my drawstring, tug my pants down, push her panties to the side and she's sinking down onto me. And her lips press to mine, she kisses my chin through bated breath.

Mouths kisses over my cheek. Digging her knees into the bed, hikes her body up, steals herself from me.

And she's tugging my hands back, shaking her head with a gaze that could cut glass.

I didn't realize thee doorbell had rang but Chloe's out of bed like she's ordered something else.

"Chlo, stop opening the door." I'm following her, like a puppy.

I'm quicker this time, right on her heels as she starts to turn the knob and I'm pushing her body behind me. She's about 5'8, and her legs alone would distract the delivery driver.

My shirt hangs off her body, she'd slipped on her fluffy little Christmas shorts with the candy canes.

Her hands are on my shoulder as I straighten my shirt and turn the knob.

Then it's Paul.

It's a cut jaw and big brown eyes and a confused look on his face.

His hair curls behind his ears. He loves to just show up, doesn't he? When I'm off. When Chloe's curled into my back and my heart hurts. He stands in front of me, he tilts his head.

And I swear he looks heartbroken.

I have to tug him in, it's impossible not to. My chest is pressed to his now.

I hate that I have to let go so soon. His hand catches my wrist, almost. He thinks better of it.

"Nice to see you—" he tries.

And it feels like I've fallen in love with him all over. It feels like us again and it hurts. I know I should be angry, I know I should be standoffish, I'm so happy it hurts.

I thought I'd never see him again. "Hell, it's been... Hi." It's all I can get out when I'm sure it gets awkward for Chloe.

"It's been Hell." She jokes. I hope she didn't hear it like that.

It's just, it's been forever.

Paul's got this look in his eye that says he should've called. He always forgets that. "Hi."

"Come in." I can't help but let him in. Step back, unconsciously make space for him to walk between Chloe and me. "Where have you been?"

"Oh, uh," he smiles. "Ohio, then Nashville, Laredo for Benny's residency then back here." He turns to Chloe, offers her a small smile with widened eyes.

Shakes her hand.

I'm filling in words before I can even find them and she's looking at me with a confused smile. Suddenly, I've never felt worse about myself. "Uh, Chlo, this is, this is Pablo-Luis."

"Hi, Pablo." She smiles. "I assume you're a doctor?" I'm not sure where she gets that from but it's cute. She's cute in the puzzled way she looks at him.

"Uh- Painter." He coughs.

"Oh!" I see the wheels turning in her head. I'm wondering if I've successfully avoided the ex conversation enough that it's not obvious.

I'm hoping she'll give me time to explain.

"That is also a residency, oh yeah, duh." I'm trying not to stress. I see it in her eyes, her trying to connect us. I told her about an ex. I hope she can't see it on me. "So, you went to school together? UCSB has a great art program, I'm sure."

"No, actually." I fill in, where he seems unwilling. "Uh." I'm not sure what to tell her. "We're good friends."

It's true. We haven't been more than friends in so long. We haven't even been friends.

"Yeah." He agrees. "I'm actually in town for a show."

It makes me proud. "You have a show." It's good news, but he looks at me weird.

"Yeah." He smiles. It feels unreal. "I was gonna invite you. I went to invite your dad and Jade said I should swing by." He glances at Chloe so I do as well and she looks confused. "I can send you the details."

I nod. Chloe's hand is still on my arm, she squeezes.

"Beba, I'm gonna get ready." She turns to me, places her hand on my chest, it's soft and firm. She's good at giving me balance. I fall a little into her hand.

"Oh, right." Her fingers are on my collar, we kiss. I know I've leaned in too, it feels like a betrayal.

She's out the room before Paul speaks again.

"You have a girlfriend."

I nod. "I have a girlfriend."

He looks like he's digesting the information. He swallows it back, nods curtly. "You have dinner?"

"Yeah."

He shakes his head, like he can't believe himself. I know that's what he's thinking, that he's imposed and he's embarrassed. Maybe he's angry with me. "I—"

"Should've called..." I fill in. He nods, laughs a little.

And it's like the room's on fire, I can't stand this close without wanting to be closer and he's looking towards the door like he can't wait to leave.

"I'll send the details."

•

The first time was whiplash. The second time, I drink him in. The smell of coffee, deep roast, paint stained shirt and hand, a little blue above his brow, the look in his eye.  It takes everything.

To keep rooted. To keep focused. I have to keep my body where it stands.

The way he looks at me when he opens the door, deep, longing. He looks away almost immediately, desire sits on my chest. It's like he's been expecting me.

He feigns anger. I know he's just as excited as I am. That it's more than want, that it's palpable. Like things sink into place and they make sense. The room seems too small around us. Like we're meant to be right on top of each other. We're meant to orbit.

And "There's no show is there?"

Paul's already walking away from me after he answers the door, doesn't let me see his face.

Knows I'd come over, like always.

That should annoy me but it doesn't, it makes me feel like I fit. Like we fit.

Like it makes sense to follow him because it's where I belong, right on his heels. Beside him, where he needs me. He's where I need him, he's done the work.

He looks aware. Like he's here.

"Jade should have told you about her." Is all I can say.

It's easy to see where I fucked up. When he showed up outside our door and I invited him in just so Chloe wouldn't see me falter. That was me watching my own back.

Pretending I was going to work just to end up here.

"It's fine. Jade likes it dramatic." He licks his lips. I want to kiss him.

I didn't tell her.

I intended on telling her about him, maybe never, but after I saw him I knew I had to.

Because we always found our way back. And I needed to tell her before I followed through, but instead I came here. I came here and that's fucked cause Chloe's great.

She's great. She's witty and pretty and a little deaf in one ear. She's smart and she's confident. She likes to read, she wants kids and a pet and a house. I offered her a house and intended to make a home. She's nice. I like her.

My dad likes her.

And I'm standing in front of him, apologizing to him when I owed Chloe an apology. I spent the night dodging her gaze. Being here is intention, it's choosing Paul even if I haven't put the nail in the coffin.

But I need to know it's real.

I need to see his place. His grandmother's place. Stain glass in the windows, family pictures on the mantle with wood frames, her picture right in the center.

I wished I'd seen it before but Pete seemed to keep most of the wood furniture.

Pete's home now. It's Pete and Will's place. A little house right on the lake. American dream.

He had a right to be proud of it. And he looked it. It was nice to see him, wide-eyed.

I follow him to his room. Up some stairs.

First door on the left, he shuts it behind us. Ventures to the other side of the room to open the patio door. It extends to and outside strip that wraps around this side of the house, and stairs that take you to the ground floor. To another patio.

To a big field that ends in trees surrounding a lake.

"What did your grandpa do again? This place is insane."

"He -uh- fixed up cars, sold some parts cheap, bought the right plot of land. It boomed then it didn't then he got lucky. A private corp needed the land to build an apartment complex in mid city so he sold." "Came up nice."

"Happy Motors?"

"Yeah." He looks surprised. "You heard of it?"

"The commercial used to come on a lot when I was a kid." I remembered being a kid, I remembered begging my dad to let me sit passenger and then this jingle plays. Happy Motors a family company, low-low prices if you need a tow.   "My dad liked the jingle."

"My mom's house is their old house. They bought this when he saved up enough." He answers. "Fixed it up when he hit big."

His words are genuine. "I missed you. I'm sorry too." He's frowning still, I can't help how close we get, how I brush my thumb over his brow.

"I didn't think you'd be upset." About Chloe.

It's soft, I know it shouldn't be but I haven't seen him in a year. I want to admire everything.

"I mean, I'm not upset. I can't be. I'm just confused." He reminds me, places some distance in words cause the physical won't work.

This is as respectful as it can be around him and it's not fair to Chloe.

"About Chloe?" I ask. I don't know why I'm defensive.

He shrugs. "Cause you're mine, Jules."

It's enough. "I tried to let you go. I'm good at letting go. I thought it was better if I... But I can't." He looks at me then, deeply.

"I can't be too far from you. I don't want to."

It's paired with so much life in his eyes it was so easy to see that same Paul I fell in love with. "You're always you to me."

"Every time I'm near you, it's that same feeling. It's the first time I saw you... And I just need to kiss you again, to remember what that feels like to be loved by you."

My body sinks into his. I'm his, he doesn't have to say it again.

"You have a girlfriend." He reminds, though his fingertips tuck around the button in the middle of my chest. He's not looking at me. "I know I should respect that and I'm really trying to be happy for you cause you seemed happy."

There is respect there. I respect him too much to let it be more than that, not now.

Not like this.

"You left me." I try to be angry, I'm not. "You said it would be a month."

"I know."

"And you didn't come back." He steps back, he nods, it's serious and intense and his eyes are on my collar. I know he's looking for marks, even if he shouldn't or doesn't want to. "And you didn't call. I haven't heard from you, in almost two years."

He looks away. Turns his body to the bed. "I know."

She means enough to me to not let this be.... "I'm not doing this to her."

"Does she know that you're here?"

Of course she doesn't.

"She doesn't, right?" It's hopeful more than it is mean, it's brash and honest and everything I know him to be. And he's finally looking at me. "You wanted to see me and I made it obvious that you had me."

"Paul—"

"I'm yours."

It's crazy. The feeling that I belong to him cause he's said it so. He's said that we're meant to be together and it sounds right, like really right.

Like I'm meant to be his, and we've worked for it. He's worked for it, he's done everything I asked. He got better and now he's standing here reminding me why I've been waiting.

And I can only feel bad for not actually doing that. I haven't waited. I moved on, it's what he asked of me.

And she's a great girl. She's perfect.

He's smiling now, I know he's second from crying. His words are shaky. "Does she know about us?" And he looks at me, he doesn't blink. "Because if you loved her she would know. And you wouldn't be here."

You wouldn't be here if you loved her.

It's true. I don't want it to be. I don't want to not love her, I've spent so long loving her. I'm good at it.

But this feeling, it's not there. It could be, but it isn't. My heart is his and he knows it and it's so incredibly unfair.

For him to stand in front of me like this, better, after two years of silence. He's been gone. "Chloe doesn't need to—"

"I'm sorry."

"Is that supposed to fix it?"

"I'm clean." He states. "I'm sorry I Ieft. I needed time."

"You could've called." Even if it hurt. "You were out of rehab in a month."

"I needed time." He looks sad, just thinking about it. "I was gonna sign on for three. I was never gonna come back to Michigan, there's too many memories. But I can't live without you."

It makes me weak.

It makes everything I wanna say feel small. Like nothing matters except that. Except, "I'm with someone. Paul, I love her."

It sounds like a lie coming out of my mouth, feels like he sees right through me.

I hate how quickly him being here changes my entire life, when he doesn't fit. He doesn't fit in my life but I make space for him anyhow and I'm so in love with him that if he asked I would have followed him to Ohio.

I would have followed him across the country, if he needs to be back in Texas next week, I will be there.

If he wants me there. He's telling me he wants me there and I'm thinking of how to let Chloe down. How to leave her when it feels like I've already left. Like I've already picked cause I have. I'm here. I'm in this.

"You don't love her, Jules." He sees through it. "A-and it's not her fault, or yours... she's... she's beautiful, she's nice." I know he feels bad saying it, that it feels like a lot, and it is. "And she's probably great for you."

She is. "We're good together, she's a good partner."

"But she doesn't make you feel like this." My hearts pounding, I hope he can't hear it.

I hope he can't feel it when his finger is pressed into my chest. He's pointing at my soul, he knows it's his, that the good things we are all outweigh the bad. That our lives are all tangled in this feeling between us. And that he loves me.

He's never let me forget that.

His eyes are so brown, his lips are fine lined, he looks scared. And he's never given me that before, he's never shown me this, not without six hours of screaming and wondering why we tried.

He's being real with me, it's all I've ever asked for. And it feels like the only thing that makes sense, to be with him.

"Paul—"

"We're better." When we're better, we'll be better. "I am better."

He shakes his head. "You were right. I needed time; I had to heal. And i-it's time for me to be a man. I need to go for what I want, and what makes me happy..."

"I will regret it if I do not fight for you..."

"... Angel... You are what I am, it feels like you are my rib, do you understand? That it hurts when you're not there.?"

He swallows it back, his eyes tracing over my face. "We are only not together because I needed to get my shit together and I've been sober almost two years. I took time to-to get myself right for you."

"With everything. Clean." He states. "I recommitted myself to God, the whole thing." He smiles, it's more than love. It's pride that blooms in my chest, chokes me dry. And I feel myself falling. I feel it when nothing matters but him, when I want to kiss him more than I want to breathe and Chloe's not on my mind. "To be a man, to stand on my feet."

That look in his eyes. The way he speaks to me, that's what consumes me.

I want him, more than I want to be the good guy. I can't think about hurting her when it means I'll have him.

"You are bliss frozen in the back of my mind. You are everything. And I need you."

I have him, all I have to do is leave her, we can be us again.

Tears are streaming down his face and he's begging, almost. Almost brings me to my knees. "I need you. And I'm sorry that it took me so long. If all that doesn't say it, I love you..."

"...And I am committed to you with everything in me. I'm... committing... promising myself to you as long as you will have me and I will make up for all of it. For the rest of my life, I will never, ever make you feel like I don't want you more than breathing."

I don't want to go anywhere. I wish I could melt into him, stay there for a while. "You're my person."

"You are my life." He reminds. "Take all the time you need. But I will be here for you when you are ready."

He doesn't let me kiss him. Not when I'm tugging in his arm, he shakes his head. He doesn't want me like that and it makes me even more ready. He sends me away with a kiss on my hand, and a promise.

jan 31st, 2025