Hey guys, I'm Gemma. I realized something weird about myself today, and I wanted to write about it, so I decided to write it as my first entry in Us Being Us.

I've been through a lot of pain in the past. Not physical, though. Most of the physical pain I've been through is because I'm such a klutz. But I've been through a decent amount of emotional pain. I've never been diagnosed with it, but I think I have felt depressed before (sometimes the 'feeling' [I did that because being depressed to me is just...feeling empty, lost, and numb, and I just wouldn't know what to do anymore...] comes back, then it goes, and comes back again, and goes, and comes back. OK you get it now). And I don't know why, but now, when something sad comes up, or if I'm watching a really sad movie, or just experience something upsetting, I realized I can barely feel anything. I'll feel a bit sad, but the rest is just... Emptiness? Numbness? I don't even know what to call it.

And I don't know why I'm like this. It's like I'm a rock. It's like every time something sad happens, my heart hardens a bit more. In the end, it's just going to be a rock. I'm just going to be a walking, talking, breathing, rock (OK when you really think about that, it sounds truly terrifying.) Am I getting used to the pain? Am I getting used to all the negativity? Maybe I am, I wouldn't know. I feel so clueless about this (yes, I can actually still feel things, but it depends what kind of situation I'm in...if that made sense).

But...yesterday, I was at one of my best friend's house, and I hadn't seen her in a while. I had missed her so much, and we had so much fun together. Around my friends, I feel so happy. It's like all the emptiness is gone. I really like it when I'm around my friends. I'm a whole different person around them. When I'm with friends, they only see that one happy, giddy side to me, and they automatically assume I'm always like that. They never experience the other side of me, unless I open up to them, which is usually over text only. And if you're one of those people that I've talked to about my life over text, know that I trust you a bit more than I trust other people. And I don't trust that easily. I have big trust issues...

As this entry comes to an end, I just want to mention one last thing. I think I'm the one who taught myself to not feel. I guess each time I went through that emotional pain every year in the past, I taught myself not to trust anyone, not to feel much, not to get my hopes up, and not to react much, because I learned that whenever I did that, it always ended badly, and I ended up really hurt. I didn't want that anymore. So I fixed it all by myself.

I think.

#NotAshamed

After all, the unique you is the best you.