Cats are assholes.

But I appreciate them.

People who cut other people off on the road are assholes.

I don't appreciate them.

But you know who the biggest assholes are? No, no not the hardcore republicans, no, not the racists and homophobes, although they do cut it close and seem to be the hardcore republicans.

No, the biggest assholes are genies.

You know those shitty ass spirits in myths that grant three wishes and are trapped in a tiny ass lamp?

Yeah, they're assholes.

No it isn't a myth.

I looked over at my genie, Tony, who was laying on the grass with me by my side, hands underneath his thick head of dark hair.

Good thing about him was that he was insanely attractive with silver, greenish eyes, long lashes, a sharp jawline, tan, sun kissed skin blessed from the gods and a heavy, charming New Yorker accent.

He even had these perfect strays of hair that would always fall over his eyes and god damn was he fucking beautiful.

Bad thing was, his appearance was the only good thing about him.

Tony was a dick.

I looked over at Tony who was lighting up a cigar.

Extra ass was too good for a basic fucking cig.

"You're a dick." I blatantly stated to him with a straight face, voicing out my own thoughts.

He didn't so much as even glance my way as he puffed a bit of smoke from the fucking cancer stick tucked between his lips, ignoring me and looking out at the horizon ahead of us.

"Yeah, well," he began, squinting at the horizon, puffs of smoke leaving his lips every time he parted them to speak as I braced myself for whatever scum comeback he had for me.

"Least I'm not a chick who's got a dick Judy." Tony responded in an unbothered, laid back tone that made me clench my jaw slightly at his words when he took another drag of his cigar.

His silver eyes finally shifted to me with a glint of amusement, the corner of his lip quirking up, pleased at the way I was glaring at him as he propped his head up with his elbow.

"You fuck, I wished to not get periods anymore and you gave me balls." I snapped at him in irritation.

Yes, that's right.

I now have a dick.

I've only looked down at it once.

I got it five minutes ago when he "granted" my wish.

It's been five minutes since I've calmed myself down from my panic attack and decided to collect myself by laying on the grass where Tony joined me like he didn't just give me a fucking sex change.

"Do people with balls get periods?" Tony asked, now laying back down and staring up at the sky with that know-it-all tone to his voice.

I pursed my lips in irritation, not wanting to answer.

"No." I grit out.

"There we go, problem solved cheesecake, I gave you balls therefore no period." He explained with a shrug.

"I didn't wish for balls."

"You didn't not wish for balls." Tony countered before I closed my eyes and slowly rubbed my face at how fucking stupid he was.

Guess I couldn't blame him too much.

Tony hated his job.

You know, being a genie, kind of having to be a slave to someone and granting their three wishes before being sucked back into a tiny, cramped lamp.

He was actually a human before, like, you know, a real dude like me.

I mean, well I'm a girl.

I glanced down at the bulge between my legs underneath my jeans.

Kinda.

He did some kind of fucked up shit that got him trapped for eternity to be a genie in like... the 20's or some shit when there were segregated bathrooms.

He can't be any older than 23, or appearance wise I guess.

Now I did some fucked up stuff and I made the mistake of wishing he would have to grant me three wishes everyday for the rest of my life.

Yeah I know, I'm fucking stupid.

Every wish has a rule, consequence, and a sick twist to it.

Rule one: I couldn't un-wish wishes until the day was over.

And it was mandatory I had to make three wishes that would expire if I wanted them to every fucking day of my life.

"I wish for something exotic and fancy to eat for lunch." I said once we went back inside my house as I lazily lounged about on my sofa, avoiding looking at my crotch and wanting to just use up all my wishes to get the day over with.

Tony continued to play with his new iPhone as he leaned against the kitchen counter.

I raised my head from the cushions and gave him a look from across the room when he still didn't respond.

"Tony!" I snapped.

He finally looked up from his phone with a clueless expression.

"Oh, you was talkin' to me?" He pointed at himself with furrowed brows.

"Who the fuck else would I be talking to."

"Jesus Christ, you do need something eat yeesh." He spun his new phone X (still don't know how he got obey until it disappeared at his fingertips before he straightened.

I closed my eyes and sighed with exhaustion, laying back and keeping my hands out, prepared for some fine, exotic, decadency to appear in my hands at any given moment.

It was when I heard some shuffling in the kitchen and the sound of the refrigerator opening that I opened my eyes and looked over at Tony  from across the room.

I watched in awe, and not the good kind of awe but the "what the actual fuck" kind of awe as I watched my so-called genie make me a sandwich.

He even leaned back and watched the toaster, patiently waiting before the two toasts finally popped up and he grabbed a plate.

He even started to fucking casually whistle while he finished making me a PB&J.

Tony continued to whistle, walking over and placing the plate with the peanut butter and jelly sandwich on my lap and a glass of orange juice before he noticed my glare.

"What." He snapped, giving me a deadpanned expression.

"I could've done that myself." I said, giving him a look. I mean he did have magic powers.

"Shit then why'd you ask me to do it?" He looked at me like I was the stupid one as he gestured at himself before raising his hands up in frustration with a shake of his head.

"You women never know what you want." He groaned as my brows shot up at his tone.

"What I wanted was something fancy and exotic." I brought up.

"Cheesecake I cut your sandwich in half and now they fuckin triangles, how more exotic do you want it?" He gestured at the PB&J.

"PB&J's aren't fucking exotic Tony!" I stood up in annoyance.

"Yeah well I don't see your lazy ass gettin' up and making yourself one Judy!" Tony snapped, towering above me and getting all up on my face by lowering his head a bit before I went on my tip toes to be just as aggressive and up front.

"Watch your fuckin' tone with me Tony!"

"Oh what, my tone ain't exotic enough for you too huh!" He said, patting his chest in a "fight me" gesture, angering me further and boy was I fucking ready to give it to him.

Right until a knock sounded from my front door.

This completely silenced both Tony and I instantly as we snapped our heads towards the direction of the sound before we heard his voice.

The voice, the voice of my hopes and dreams.

"Judy you in there? I hear screaming." Brandon's concerned voice said through the door as I placed my hand over my chest.

"Ay, ain't that the co-worker of yours you wanna have babies with?" Tony whispered at me with a slight nudge, looking between me and the door.

"Yup." I responded in a hushed voice as we just stood there, silent, staring at the door.

Things you should know before we continue this wonderful scene.

The guy I have been completely fucking infatuated with for three years was at my fucking door.

I had a penis.

My genie Tony was useless as shit and at this point...

I was completely and utterly fucked.

AN: what do you guys think about Tony and Judy?