Solace

Pakiramdam ko ay mabagal ang mga sumunod na araw. Siguro ay dahil paulit-ulit lang ang mga ginagawa ko. Sa umaga ay magtuturo at sa hapon naman ay mag-aasikaso ng hacienda. Mommy was out of sight most of the time dahil sa tuwina'y umaalis siya sa at pumupuntang Manila para asikasuhin ang kompanya.

Kapag isa sa amin nina Kuya Terron at Joriel ang hahawak sa hacienda o sa kompanya ay makakapagpahinga na si Mommy at si Tita Julia. But seeing my mother and my aunt getting more engaged with the business baffled me to make decisions because I can see that they can manage it efficiently however tiresome it feels. Marahil ay napakaespesyal ng tingin nila dito dahil bunga iyon ng kanilang pagsisikap. It was Mommy who started it but it wouldn't have been a success without the help of Tita Julia.

I know my cousin so well. He wouldn't leave his job just to run a company. Mahal na mahal nito ang kanyang trabaho.

So, I was left alone to decide. Mahal na mahal ko rin naman ang trabaho ko. But I needed to work full time running the business if ever I decide to take over. I needed more time to think it through. Once I made my decision, then I would certainly be doing it for the rest of my life. Baka hindi ko ma-enjoy ang gagawin at mabagot lamang ako sa buhay.

"Nakita mo na ba ang engkanto?" tanong ni Zam sa kabilang linya. Naisipan niyang mag video call sa'kin. Mula sa balcony ay naglakad ito papasok ng bahay na tinutuluyan niya sa Sydney.

Lakad pa ito nang lakad. Nag-virtual tour na yata ako sa ginagawa niya.

"Oo! At ang gwapo niya!" drama ko pa. Nag-akto pa akong kinikilig. Siyempre niloloko ko lang si Zam. I wanted to see if he's going to believe it.

"Hala! Totoo?"

Wala na. Mukhang naniniwala nga.

"Oo. Kumain pa dito sa bahay. I didn't know they could speak English. He has a job too. He's a lawyer, for goodness' sake!" I said and the image of Gab flashed in my mind.

"Niloloko mo 'ko, eh! Tao 'yang tinutukoy mo," naiinis na turan nito.

Sineryoso ko ang mukha. "Kaya nga. Sabi ko, diba? Tao talaga 'yon."

"Oh. Sige na! Pero sino ba 'yang abogado na 'yan?"

Hindi ako nakaimik. Nagulat ako sa tanong niya. Bakit ko pa kasi sinambit? Ito ngayon obligado akong magkwento.

Piling-pili ang mga detalyeng binahagi ko kay Zam. Nakita kong tumango-tango ito at sa halip na mapanatag ako dahil mukhang nakakaintindi ito, mukhang naasar lamang ako. Parang may ibig sabihin kasi ang ngiti ni Zam.

"Oh. It must be really him," tanging nasambit nito sa huli.

"Sabi ko sa'yo. He was from the other hacienda." I tsked.

"Okay. So, tatapusin ko na itong tawag, Tiff. Good luck to the both of you."

"What?!"

May sasabihin pa sana ako kaso nagngiting-aso na ito at saka tinapos ang tawag.

Sumunod na tumawag si Camille. What's with these people calling me one after another?

Matapos ang kamustahan ay napabuntong-hininga ito.

"Why don't you go back here?" tanong ni Camille sa kabilang linya. Hindi ito nag-open ng camera. Naririnig ko ang pagtipa ng keyboard. She must be doing some paperwork in their office. She works as Executive Assistant in a logistic company in Hong Kong.

Finally, I decided to take her call. Matagal na din nang huli kong narinig ang boses niya. As always, she sounds so giddy when she speaks.

Napatingala ako sa kisame ng aking kwarto habang nakalapat ang likod sa malambot na kama. Hapon na naman at maya-maya'y maglilibot ulit ako sa hacienda upang kamustahin ang mga trabahador.

"May babalikan pa ba ako diyan?" I asked.

Ilang sandali pa bago ito nagsalita.

"You can go back here anytime. Ako ang bahala kumausap kay Mrs. President. Sabihin mo lang sa akin kapag nakapadesisyon ka na. Sa katunayan nga lagi ka niyang tinatanong sa akin kung kamusta ka na raw at kung babalik ka pa ba."

Kilala nito ang boss ko sa trabaho. Sa mga panahong napalayo ako sa pamilya, si Camille ang tumayong pamilya ko. Siya ang madalas na lapitan ko doon sa Hong Kong.

Bahagya akong tumawa. "H'wag na muna. Nagtuturo naman ako dito sa amin."

"Oh really? In the province? I thought you hate rural life. Kamusta naman?"

Kahit hindi ko siya nakikita ay nai-imagine ko ang gulat sa mukha ni Camille.

And did I really say that I hate the life in the province?

Oh, come on, Tiffany. Of course, you did. Ngunit parang taliwas naman ito sa nararamdaman ko ngayon.

"Okay lang naman," sabi ko at tumagilid ng higa. "Masaya."

"Oh."

"Yeah. And besides, I like it here dahil nakakasama ko si Mommy," I smiled a bit.

"Baka may iba ka pang kasama diyan kaya ka masaya?"

Did she just tease me?

The image of Gab flashed in my mind again. Anong connect?

I chuckled. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing. Kamusta na kayo ni Aldrin?"

The sudden transition of the topic made me feel tormented. Just hearing his name engulfed me with this feeling I couldn't even tell. It's shooting right to my heart.

"We never talked since then," sabi ko. Tears watered my eyes.

Like what the hell? Affected pa rin ako?

"I know you're strong, Tiff. You're a lot stronger than you were," she said like she was trying to console me.

Kinamusta niya si Mommy at mga kaibigan namin. Pagkatapos ay nagpaalam na rin siya.

Now I wonder what I really have learned from my experience. I just came to know that a person can go as far as hurting someone I would never have imagined could be possible just to fight for love.

On Friday, we took the children to the zoo. Doon kasi napagkasunduang mag- field trip kaya naman enjoy na enjoy ang mga bata. May ilang nag-iyakan dahil takot sa mga hayop. Mabuti na lamang at kasama ang mga magulang nila kaya wala naman naging problema. It's the first time I visited the zoo here in Tarragona. I didn't even know that a place like this exists here. Nasabi ko nga kay Camille noon na hate ko ang rural life dahil hindi ko man lang tinapunan noon ng pansin ang mga magagandang lugar dito sa probinsya namin.

At some point maybe I did hate the province. I could remember feeling that way. Marahil noong mga panahon na hindi namin kasama si Mommy sa bahay, my hate for rural life grew. I used to dream of living in the city because that's where my Mom would always stay. Kaya noong nag-aral ako ng kolehiyo sa Maynila, madalang lamang ako umuwi sa Tarragona. Sinulit ko talaga ang buhay sa siyudad.

"Ma'am, tumawag po ulit si Sir Aldrin," bungad sa akin ni Pamela. I could see the hesitation in her eyes when she talked.

Is she still afraid of me?

Inakyat ko ang grand staircase habang nakasunod si Pamela sa likod ko.

I heaved a sigh. "Sabihin mo lang na may ginagawa ako kapag tumawag siya."

"Opo, Ma'am. Iyon po ang lagi kong sinasabi. Pero, Maam..." she trailed off.

I turned to her and tilted my head. "Yes?"

Umangat ang tingin niya sa akin. "Gusto niya sanang magkita po kayo, Ma'am," mahinang sabi niya.

I looked up and let out a deep sigh. "What does he want?"

"Ma'am?"

"Wala," sabi ko at nag-umpisang naglakad papuntang kwarto. Nararamdaman kong nakasunod pa rin si Pamela sa likod ko. Nilingon ko ulit siya.

"Basta sabihin mo lang na wala ako dito sa mansion at nasa labas ako kapag tumawag ulit. Okay?" mariing sabi ko.

"Yes, Ma'am," sagot niya.

I closed the door and went straight to my bed. Ibinagsak ko ang katawan sa kama. I spread my arms as I looked at the ceiling.

Damn!

Would meeting him again do me good? Baka lalo lamang akong malulugmok kapag nasilayan ko muli ang mukha niya. I wanted him to see me whole.

I believe I am my own person. I have always told myself to not rely my happiness on someone else because I may lose them.

Did I love him that much that I started losing myself?

Hindi ba't sinabi ko noon pa na kakayanin ko? Na sandali lang ito? This pain is temporary. I'd always remind myself of that. But entertaining these thoughts made me think that I was losing my self- respect.

Why would I need him to complete me? Hindi ba't dapat kumpleto na tayo sa sarili natin bago pa man natin papasukin ang iba sa ating mundo?

I still govern myself. I still have control over my own decisions.

Hindi ko alam ang pinangagalingan ko. Ang tanging alam ko lang ay valid ang nararamdaman kong sakit.

But then...I need someone.

Not to complete me.

To distract me, maybe.

"Tiff, what's your plan for the summer?" si Edna.

Binaling ko ang tingin sa kanya mula sa pagkatutok sa laptop. We've been preparing for the closing ceremony scheduled in a few weeks so I also remained here until the afternoon in the last couple of days to help in the preparation. Okay lang naman dahil umuwi rin si Mommy kaya siya na muna pansamantalang bumisita sa mga trabahador.

"To look after the hacienda, maybe," I chuckled. I realized I didn't have any plans for the summer yet when everybody gets so excited for that season.

"How boring!" himutok niya na hindi naman tunog offensive. "Sumama ka nalang kaya sa'min. We're planning to go to Palawan."

Napasandal ako sa swivel chair. "Wow! Sinu-sino ang mga sasama?"

Looking at our colleagues, feeling ko ay game na game ang mga ito sa kahit anong trip.

"Kaming dalawa pa lang ni Bella ang nagplano. Ikaw ang sunod na sinabihan ko. I think if we invite everyone, they would be willing to go naman."

I raised my brow. "Kasama niyo mga boyfriend niyo?"

She grinned as if I hit it right on the nail.

"Sige. Pag-iisipan ko," sabi ko nalang kahit buo na ang desisyon ko na hindi ako sasama.

What's fun in traveling if they bring their boyfriends, diba? Sinong kakausapin ko do'n?

"Don't tell me you're not going?" I was surprised that she knew what I was thinking. "Ugh! Tiff, it's Palawan for goodness' sake. You'll miss the fun if you don't go!" aniya at kinunot ang noo. Her lips protruded. "Please, sumama kana."

I crossed my legs and folded my arms as I stared at her expression. I bit my lower lip to stop myself from smiling.

"You can take with you your lawyer boy naman. Sige na. Sumama kana. Please," now she's begging in front of me.

I frowned.

I was far from being pissed but now no longer. Why does she still think that Gab and I are a thing?

And speaking of whom, wala na akong balita tungkol sa kanya. Perhaps, he's still looking for a potential wife na pasok sa qualifications niya. Lawyer siya and his qualifications for a wife were reasonable. I just couldn't bring myself to be one. It would be like hitting my head with a stone I picked up myself.

Inirapan ko si Edna at hindi nakaligtas sa paningin ko ang pagsilay ng kanyang mapanuksong ngiti.

Oh. Katulad na katulad ng kay Mommy.

I stood up and decided to catch some fresh air. I held the door open and Ninang Geah's face greeted me.

"Oh, hija. Where are you going? I am about to call you," salubong niya.

"Magpapahangin lang po ako saglit sa labas. Bakit po?" nagtatakang sabi ko.

Nakangiting hinigit niya ang kamay ko at nagpatianod na lamang ako kahit maraming tanong sa isip ko.

"Tiff, don't be mad. Aldrin came to me personally and asked me if he and you could talk. Pupuntahan sana kita sa office pero timing naman na palabas ka," sabi niya habang hawak ang magkabilang palapulsuhan ko.