Healing

"Tita, she won't eat again. She went back to sleep," narinig kong sumbong ni Zam kay Mommy nang palabas siya ng kwarto.

"Oh, Zam! What should we do with her? Nag-aalala na ko kay Tiffany." Narinig ko ang marahas na buntong-hininga ni Mommy.

"Ako din, Tita. Matagal na siyang on hunger strike."

Alam kong nais magpatawa ni Zam pero hindi iyon uubra sa akin ngayon.

Don't they understand that I want to be alone right now?

Simula noong gabing dinala ako dito ni Rosie at Klea sa Tarragona, nanatili rin dito sa bahay si Zam. I understand that they want me to move on but can't they feel that I can't do it just yet?

Isang buwan pa lang ang nakakalipas. Makakalimutan ko ba iyon ng ganoon kadali? Sa tingin ko kakailanganin ko ng mahabang panahon para tuluyang maghilom ang sakit.

"Let's give her more time, Tita. Makakaya ni Tiff iyan. I believe she's a strong woman. This is nothing compared to her strength."

"She is, Zam. But looking at her now, I couldn't help but worry. She wouldn't eat anything. She's just staying inside the room, sleeping, " ani Mommy sa boses na nag-aalala. "Hindi normal 'yon."

"Nadatnan ko siya isang beses na nagbabasa ng libro, Tita. I think that's already a small progress."

"Oh. Do you think so? Thank you very much, Zam. What would I do without you? Rosie, Klea, and Camille kept calling me to check on her. Even when I tried to make her talk to any of your friends, she won't even glance at me. Neither her father nor her brother had made her come out of this room. She won't listen to anyone, not even to me."

"Hindi naman siya nakikinig sa akin, Tita. What difference does it make?" may bahid ng lungkot sa boses ni Zam.

"Oh. Pero kahit papaano ay may karamay siya ngayong panahong kinakailangan niya ng kakampi."

"We can't force her to talk or go out, Tita. We'll be by her side. That's all we can do for now," dagdag pa ni Zam.

"Exactly, Zam." Narinig ko ulit ang pagbuntong-hininga ni Mommy. "When will be your flight to Australia?"

"Two weeks from now, Tita."

Oh. I just found out that Zam is leaving the country soon. Nagkaroon siya ng opportunity magtrabaho doon sa isang malaking project. Nang nakaraan pinag-uusapan pa lang namin kung tatanggapin ba niya ang alok na iyon sa kanya. Ngayon ko lang nalaman na nakapagdesisyon na pala siya.

Ilang sandali pa at narinig ko ang maingat nilang hakbang palabas ng kwarto at ang marahang pagsarado ng pinto. Nagpakawala ako ng hangin at tiningala ang kisame. Mariin kong pinikit ang mga mata at matagal pa bago ako hinila ng antok.

***

"Nariyan pala si Joriel sa labas, anak," imporma sa akin ni Mommy. Narinig ko ang mahinang paglapag niya ng tray sa bedside table.

Nagtalukbong lamang ako ng kumot dahil alam kong papasok siya para dalhan ako ng breakfast. Nagtaka ako na siya ang nagdala ng pagkain at hindi si Zam.

"Gusto ka niyang makita pero okay lang naman kung hindi ka pa handa makipag-usap kaninuman."

Matagal na rin ang huling pagkikita namin ng pinsan kong si Joriel. Pero ayoko muna siyang makita ngayon.

May naaninag akong liwanag dahilan para hawiin ko ang kumot na humaharang sa mukha ko. The bright rays of sunshine glinted on my face as I looked straight to the window. Nakabukas na pala iyon. Hinarang ko ng palad ang mga mata dahil nasisilawan ako.

She looked back and saw me getting up.

"Hanggang kailan mo ba balak na magkulong dito, anak? You need a bit of sunshine!" she said, almost angrily. Tila nagtitimpi lamang ito.

How can I go out and enjoy my life when I'm lifeless myself?

She slowly walked towards the side of my bed and sat beside me. Diretso lamang akong nakatingin sa bintana. Mas gusto kong bumalik sa pagtulog kung ganoong may nakikita akong liwanag.

Since the day we announced the cancellation of the wedding, many of my friends checked on me expressing their pity and sympathy. Ang iba naman ay nag-abot ng mensahe na pangpalakas-loob that only made me feel worse.

Some wanted to know the cancellation back story which I hated to discuss, of course knowing that I was the one who got dumped. It didn't take me a long time to decide to deactivate all my social media accounts and turned my cellphone off so I wouldn't be bothered by anyone anymore.

Why are people so insensitive about this matter? Do they expect broken people to speak how broke they are?

Everything is strange.

She sighed and sat down beside me. "Kung ayaw mong lumabas, anak, atleast eat your meal. Nag-aalala na ako sa'yo. Hindi mo halos ginagalaw ang pagkain mo." Napalitan ng pag-aalala ang galit sa boses ni Mommy.

I knew she was getting disappointed with me. Ilang subo lang ang nakakain ko sa tuwing may pagkaing hinahatid sa kwarto.

I rested my head on my knees and let my tears trickle down my face. "Mommy, let me stay here. The life outside only reminds me of him."

Walang araw na hindi ako umiiyak. May mga oras na humahagulhol lamang ako kahit natutuyuan na ako ng luha. The pain of loss was overwhelming and the image of Aldrin triggered all sorts of painful and unsettling emotions.

3 years are for growing but this year is for healing. How could I be alone now in everything that we used to do together?

"If crying makes you feel better, then cry. Allow yourself to be sad. Then, move on," she caressed my back.

"Mommy, I don't know how," singhot ko.

"You'll get through this difficult experience and even move on," she fisted a handful of my hair and moved it to the side habang ang ulo ko ay nakayukyok sa aking mga tuhod. "Just hope even when the time seems hopeless."

I just cried like there's no tomorrow. Mommy's presence brings great comfort and perhaps I could let her see how I mourn over this. Of all people, my mom is the one who understands me the most.

She perfectly knew everything about me. She had also gone through this before. And, she's very fine now.

Nilapag nito ang tray ng pagkain sa harap ko.

"Eat. I don't take no for an answer," mariing sabi niya.

Inangat ko ang mga kubyertos at sinimulan na ang pagkain. Pero kahit yata ang sarili kong panlasa ay inaayawan ako dahil wala man lamang akong malasahan sa mga kinakain ko.

If I want to release my emotions all at once, then I need more strength.

Not that I want people to think that I can't suppress my intense feelings. But I am just being kind to myself and allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling and letting it all out is a good option.

The split carried a huge emotional toll and l couldn't let time do the mending of my brokenness. Tila lumisan na ang dating tiwala ko sa panahon because that's the exact thing that made me perfectly broken.

If time was only kinder to me, then it wouldn't have let Aldrin and Fatima cross paths again.

I should stop thinking about that. What good it could do to me? Mas lalo lamang akong made-depress.

After eating my breakfast, Mommy convinced me again to go out and see the outside but I opted to stay in the room.

I darted my eyes around the room which was the same room I used to hate as a child. When Mommy had to leave, I would be left here together with the house workers.

Funny how this room turned out to be a refuge for me now. I couldn't care less if the walls and ceiling hear my cries especially when things at night get out of hand. They seem to listen every time I pop off at things I think should be blamed for my misery.

My mom took us here when I was 7 years old and we started living here until I finished college and went abroad. Manang Lucia had always been there to take care of me when Mommy failed to do it herself when she needed to manage the perfume company she built herself after her split with Daddy. Ngunit hindi katulad ng iba, I wasn't robbed of care and love a child needed. Mommy still spared time to take care of me despite her hectic schedule. Hindi ko kailanman naramdaman na may pagkukulang siya sa akin.

My parents were together for ten years before they decided to go separate ways. Six years old ako noong nangyari iyon. My elder brother, Terron, was 9. Naiwan kami sa poder ni Mommy dahil iyon ang napag-usapan. Hinihiram lamang kami ni Daddy once a month or sa tuwing may okasyon.

Mommy had told me the reason why they broke up and it was because they couldn't settle their differences for ten long years of being together. Marahil hindi pa nila lubos na kilala ang isa't isa bago sila nagpakasal. Umabot na sa punto na nasasakal na sila pareho sa ugali ng bawat isa.

They both tried to save the marriage, not for them, but for us, their kids. But, it didn't just work. Dumating na din kasi sa point na pati kami ay naapektuhan na din. Lagi na lamang may away sa bahay. It was very exhausting.

They had their marriage annulled. It took years, of course.

They had secured prenuptial agreement before they got married so they never had problem about the distribution of assets.

It made me think sometimes that they had already foreseen that they will separate at any point.

Mommy never married again. Simula noong naghiwalay sila ay itinuon na lamang niya ang buong atensyon sa kaniyang perfume company at hacienda. She thought I'll head the company after I get married. Nabura na iyon sa isip ko kasabay ng paghihiwalay namin Aldrin.

Si Daddy naman. Well, I guess he's living his best life. Sa ilang babaeng nababalitaan namin ni Kuya Terron na nakarelasyon ni Daddy, hindi ko alam kung may makakatuluyan pa ba siya doon. He can still have his shot at love but so far, there's no luck.

Nagmukmok ako sa kwarto ng isa pang linggo until I finally made a choice to leave my haven and witness the life outside.

Maybe, I should get a life, too.

Indeed, being alone teaches a lot of lessons.

"Mommy, where's Zam?"

Bahagyang nagulat si Mommy nang masilayan akong papasok sa kusina. Tumayo ito at inakay ako palapit sa mesa.

Luminga ako. I can't see Zam around. Did he finally leave?

"Anak, nagpaalam siya sa akin na maglilibot lang sa hacienda. Pinasamahan ko kay Bruno."

Alam kong tuwang-tuwa ngayon ang kaibigan ko.

"Mom, don't look at me like that," untag ko sa kanya.

Kanina pa kasi ito nakatulala habang minamasdan ako.

"Anak, salamat naman at lumabas kana," sabi niya nang makabawi. "By the way, your Kuya Terron called and said he will go home next week," sambit ni Mommy habang nilalagyan niya ng kanin ang plato ko. She couldn't hide her excitement. Her eyes were glowing. "But, I'll call him later. Sasabihin ko sa kanya na lumabas kana."

"Si Kuya Terron? Uuwi?"

She nodded. "He was really worried about you, anak. Your dad, too."

As expected of Kuya Terron, hindi ako no'n matitiis. But, I felt guilty knowing that I made him worry over me. Masyado iyong busy sa trabaho niya sa company ni Daddy.

Yes. Kuya Terron chose to work with him because he's pursuing the same career as Dad's. Isang architect si Kuya Terron kaya naman malaking tulong iyon sa real-estate company ni Daddy.

And, I'm not sure if Daddy was really worried about me. Kuya Terron could just say it easily so I won't keep sulking. Alam no'n na may tampo ako kay Daddy. Ilang beses ko na kasing p-in-lano na pagsamahin ulit sina Daddy at Mommy pero palaging palpak.

Back then, Kuya Terron once joined me in my plan but it failed. He refused to go for another one because he felt that it's too impossible to get our parents together without them hurting each other's feelings.

Mommy insisted that we'll have our breakfast in the garden every morning so I wouldn't dare to go back to my room again. Hindi pa naman masyadong tirik ang sikat ng araw so staying in the garden for a while wouldn't be a problem. At isa pa, kailangan ko din namang magpa-araw. My skin lost its natural fairness and sitting beside my mom made me look paler.

I smiled. "We will have our breakfast together everyday, Mommy. And, I can't wait to see Kuya Terron. Last year pa yata kami huling nagkita." Well, that was last year on holiday where they finally met Aldrin.

She smiled back, her high cheeks showing. Umupo siya sa harapan ko at nagsimula nang kumain.

"Really? Oh, it feels so nice seeing you like this, anak. Akala ko hindi kana talaga lalabas ng kwarto mo."

I shook my head a little, still smiling. "Mommy, I can't stay in my room forever. I'll continue to grow even when I'm alone."

"You're not alone, Tiffany. You have your friends, me, your Kuya Terron, and your dad," she said. She reached for my hand and touched it tenderly in feathery strokes.

I went to her then dropped my knees to the floor, wrapping my arms around her waist. I rested my head on her lap. I felt her hand caressing my hair.

Mother's touch speaks a thousand words indeed.