Chapter 20 ― Goodbye

There’s something odd with Alex. We’re having a wonderful time together and I’m really happy with her, but sometimes she stays staring at me like she thinks I’m gonna disappear the next second. The way she looks at me makes no sense, because I won’t go anywhere. I know that she will go back to classes and I have to start working on the second album with the lads, but that doesn’t mean we won’t see each other again. I know she is scared that things will be harder, but I have faith that we’ll make it through.

As the day when she has to go back to classes approaches, I notice how Alex is growing more anxious and by the night before she goes back, I see there’s not only fear but also sadness, a deep sadness that breaks my own heart.

“You okay, babe?” I ask but she avoids me so I walk up to her and make her face me. “You’ve been acting weird the whole day. Are you nervous for tomorrow?” I ask although I know it’s not that. “Love, tell me. You know you can tell me everything. I don’t like it when you shut me out.”

“I didn’t want this day to come,” Alex whispers and I get a bit scared, she sounds so ominous. “I dreaded it since we went on tour with you.” And now I get it. She is still afraid because we won’t be able to spend as much time together as before.

“Oh, don’t worry, babe. We’re gonna make it work, I told you this before. We’ve done quite well with keeping you safe from paparazzi, I think we can do this!” I smile at her because it’s true, we’ve done great with that. They don’t really harass her and they just accepted that Alex is a normal girl.

“It’s not that,” she corrects me and I tense, getting worried again.

“Then what is it?” I ask. Alex looks so sad, so heartbroken but why? Why doesn’t she believe in us?

“Being with you has been the most wonderful experience. This has been the best summer of my life,” she starts and I know there’s a but coming, I feel it in every part of my body and I dread it.

“But?” I add ever so softly.

“But we can’t be together anymore. Not because I don’t want to, oh God, being with you is what I desire the most, but our lives aren’t compatible, Niall. You’re an ultra famous popstar and I’m no one. You have to travel around the world whilst I stay here, studying. How can we be together when we won’t be able to see each other? When you’ll have to fight to keep me in the shadows?”

Then she drops the bomb. This is what she’s been thinking all the time, seeing an expiration date for us all the time. I’ve always believed we can do it, I’ve felt from the beginning that Alex is perfect for me and we belong together. I love her with all I have… how can she think this? She is not even trying!

“We can manage something,” I try because I can’t accept this. “You can’t give up on us that easily.”

“It’s not easy, not at all! It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it’s what I have to do. What we have to do. We can’t be together and I know you can see it, too. I don’t belong in your world, Niall.” But you belong with me! I shout in my mind. “I can’t be part of it.” Alex’s voice breaks at the end, as much as my own heart is breaking with her words.

I take her face, making her see me as I say: “No, I won’t let you give up on us.”

“It’s not giving up, Niall, it’s being realistic,” she insists cupping my face. “This summer was… unique, but it has to end. It already ended.”

“No, Alex, no!” I shout this time. It’s not over, it hasn’t ended. Our story hasn’t ended. “We can make it work. Liam and Louis do that, what makes us different?”

“Because I’m neither Danielle nor Eleanor, I’m not part of the world of entertainment. They fit in your world, I don’t. Niall, this is killing me, but it’s for the best.” She is wrong, so wrong. She doesn’t need to be a celebrity to be with me. She just needs to be herself because I love her like that. I don’t need anything else.

“How can it be for the best if it fucking hurts this much?” I ask because the pain in my chest is asphyxiating me.

“I don’t know, but I’m sure it is. It has to be.” No, no, no. You’re wrong, Alex!

“It can’t!” I shake my head. I refuse to believe this. “I-I-I-” I take a deep breath because it hurts so much I can’t even speak. “I love you, Alex. This can’t be the end of us.”

She looks at me with surprise and a sparkle of happiness in her eyes that for a second gives me hope, but then I see more sadness and I feel like I can’t make my lungs work. She doesn’t say anything, she just stares at me until she stands on her tiptoes and pecks my lips, but I can’t let her go. I grab her tightly and deepen the kiss. I can’t accept this is over, I can’t. I need her in my world, I want her to be part of it and I wanna be part of hers. I kiss her desperately and she kisses me back the same way, holding on to me for dear life.

“Niall…” She whispers when we break the kiss but I can’t let her go… I need her so much. “It is. It is the end.” I shake my head. I can’t accept her words.

“No, Alex. It isn’t. It can’t be!” I whine, because there’s no other word to describe what I do.

“You are the best thing that has happened to me.” I beg her with my eyes not to do this. “The best. I’ll never forget our time together.”

“Please, Alex, don’t do this. I’m sure we can–”

“No,” she cuts me off. “We can’t. I know that. Not now.” Alex strokes my cheeks and that only hurts more because she is giving up on us, which means I won’t have her like this anymore. “Accept this, don’t make this harder, Niall. You have a life where I don’t fit in. There’re some things we can’t change and this is one of them. It hurts to say goodbye, oh God how it hurts, but it has to end. Nothing last forever, babe. Now please remember this, remember us with a smile because it was beautiful. I will. Every time I think of you I’ll smile because you gave me the best summer ever. I will always think of you that way.”

“I don’t want to think of you as something that happened, something that ended. I want to think of you as the girl who’s with me.”

I don’t want this to end, I can’t accept it… it’s breaking me!

“I love you,” she tells me. She finally said it!

“If you love me and I love you, why can’t we be together?” I honestly don’t get it. We love each other, that should be enough. I know I’ll never love a girl like I love my special and unique girl, my Alex.

“Because we can’t.” She takes a deep breath and pushes me away. “It’s for the best, Niall. For you career, for you, for me, for us. It hurts now, but we’ll be fine soon.”

“Alex,” I try one more time, hoping she will see this is nonsense, we belong together.

“Please, Niall. It’s for the best. You’ll see it, too. Maybe not now, but you will. It’s better to end this now before it gets more complicated. I don’t wanna fight with you because we can’t see each other, because we can’t be together, because the media is trying to tear us apart and succeeding at it. I rather finish this now and only have good memories of us. Please, Niall… please,” she begs, breaking my heart even more.

I don’t get it… she is hurting as much as I am, then why is she doing this? But I can’t cause her more pain and if trying to talk her down is making her suffer… then what can I do? I know this can’t be the end of us, but I don’t wanna make her feel more miserable now.

I believe we belong together, I know she is the girl for me and I can’t just let her walk away, but I won’t make things harder for her now. I’ll let her have her time so she can realise this is a mistake. I’ll change her mind, but for now… she needs time.

I take her face one more time and kiss her, knowing that I’ll do something later. I won’t make her suffer more, this is hard enough for both of us. “I love you,” I say, letting her go and walking away before I fall to my knees and start begging. I know that would only hurt her more. Alex is stubborn, she needs time. A little time.

I close the door but I turn around again, my forehead against the door. Am I doing the right thing by letting her go now? Is this the right thing? I know Alex is wrong, I know we can be together, but should I keep trying to make her see this or leave her alone? A part of me tells me it’s okay, that I need to give her space, but my broken heart tells me to change her mind now.

 “I love you, too,” I hear her whisper and I know she is just like me, with her forehead against the door. I feel it as I hear her crying.

With my heart even more broken, I accept she needs time. We need to pull ourselves together before we fix this. For Alex, because I love her, I’ll give her time. All the time she needs.

“Goodbye,” I whisper walking away. “Please, realise the mistake you’re making,” I wish.

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Did this make you cry as in Backfire? Let me know. I'm gonna go to bed 'cos I feel terrible. Stupid cold.

Dedication to @cassiehbu

Bel, xx