We left Tajikistan yesterday, and with my newfound freedom, I rode with Zabdi. He and I sneaked into the tunnels and tried progressing in my abilities but nothing.

Maybe it was just a one-time thing. And although I feared my identity, I wished I knew how to control it at least.

It was dark and dry in the tunnels today. Maybe there was a small leak somewhere that let the Pakistani heat in. Maybe it was just me, feeling constipated after all the grunts of effort spent on futility.

Why not? I thought. I sounded like a whining toddler.

"Maybe 'cause I did it?" Said Zabdiel, in his most annoying, overused tone. His hair was flat on his head, his fire lighting up the room and turning it into a sauna.

My shoe flew past his head. "So do it again then?" I challenged. It was probably the heat. It was making me cranky. "You try!" I shoved my fist into his face, giving him a point of contact.

It was his turn to look constipated.

Nothing happened at all.

"See? It was me." I said. "I'm fucking Onus." Saying it enough times didn't make it any less true, I found.

"We already established that..."

"Then why isn't this easy?!" I whined some more.

The whole day, I was paraded under the sun, wearing emeralds like a cape around me. The hospitality was outstanding, the roses filled my nostrils. But I heard news of the things brewing at the camps at the border, and all the fun went out the window.

I asked what I could do, they said nothing. I had suggestions and they shut them down in milliseconds. They said I didn't know what I was doing. Well of course not, they didn't tell me enough!

Then I argued with my uncle. He reminded me that I needed loyalty and that I'd get none of that without the support of my ministers. I didn't hate support from ministers. I just hated my ministers.

I suggested to stop the tour so I could do my duties, but they were convinced the only duty a nineteen-year-old, inexperienced girl could accomplish was looking for a husband.

My momentary agency was lost the second I climbed into the train. With all the noise, yet again I found myself powerless.

"You're not powerless." He said, his face understanding me, his mind listening to mine. I doubted he ever had to handle a refugee crisis before, but I felt like he knew how I felt... Which he probably did, given how he hung out in my brain constantly. "Try again."

He circled me, his footsteps echoing a little down the expanse of the tunnel. He was smiling, toying with me, but his eyes showed how much he pitied me. That was only for a second though.

Zabdi was sweating profusely, his curls sticking to his head like corn silk, his eyes full of enough heat I wouldn't have been shocked if the temperature was caused by them. "I burned a lot of toys and even electrocuted a nanny once. Not everything comes easy, Diwata."

"Well, it does for me." I argued. I heard how ugly I sounded. It was usually the truth though.

"Except for that refugee crisis or whatever" He snorted, his signature mischievous smirk returning to his lips. He really had to hit where it hurt. "Ever humble."

"Ever honest." I retorted, flinging another shoe. Regret came quick as the concrete on my bare feet started sizzling.

"Cooking? Does that come easy to someone who's never had to cook?"

"I have a food tech certification." I said. "It might not look good, but it's edible." That's what I always told myself in the kitchen. The last time I cooked, the poached egg became egg and vinegar soup.

"Diving?" He suggested, circling me a little then giving me a tap on the shoulder as he came close, then bouncing away knowing the touch didn't work yet again. "I hate the water-" He shivered.

"I qualified for the summer Olympics." I was twelve... Before my world collapsed.

"No, you didn't." Zabdi threw a fireball at me, which I dodged, barely.

"First of all, it's way too hot for fireballs." I rammed into his torso, knocking him down. "Second of all, they only didn't allow me to come because it was in your country." I lay on top of him, pinning him down if only to stop him from making more fireballs.

"Ouch." He feigned hurt. "Science?" He tackled me over.

"Like?" I asked.

"Chemistry, physics... The hard stuff." I pushed him away from me and he flew back a few feet.

Another small fireball whizzed past, zinging my hair. This has been going on for hours now. Fighting, trying out my ability, fighting, bickering, fighting...

Why couldn't he just stop with the damned fireballs.

"My mother won a Nobel prize in chemistry for her research on the uses of radioactive metals from the Great Dying period... and she taught me herself." I said, remembering the horrid sign over her door when she moved out. "And as for physics... I'm a pilot."

He smiled a little, shaking his head. "What a gene pool." Zabdi said, picking up my flats. "Kaz took everything quick and perfectly too." He placed them right in front of me. "Only difference is he's good with his abilities too whereas you..."

I rolled my eyes, then came charging him head-first, ignoring my shoes.

We tried different triggers tonight. He said emotions usually triggered abilities. His was anger. He anchored it with calmness and sad attempts at humor. So, we tried making me happy, sad, and now... Well now I wasn't sure, but I thought it was annoyance.

My head connected with his torso, and we fell. His grunt was satisfying to hear.

"Kaz should have sent an expert at this." I rolled away from him, my back touching the hot floor. He didn't get up.

We were in the tunnels under the Lahore Museum. There weren't crypts here anymore.

This was probably a branch from the main path extending down to New India. Everywhere there were rooms, abandoned bedding caked in dust. People used to live here... While the Onus ruled the surface.

"Do you know where he is?" I asked. "We could just-" Raid it, bomb it, go to war for it.

"No." He shook his head. "We're looking for him, but the islands cover a lot of territory, not all Wings can look without getting shot down."

"I'm looking for him too." I said. Raza was quiet for a while now, but I awaited his response. The sooner I knew, the sooner I could get rid of Natasha. "Why'd he send you?" I asked, looking up at the ceiling, changing the subject.

"I was the best option." I could hear his smile and his lie.

"I refuse to believe that."

He laughed. "Fine. There was Czes... she's good at training. There's Shen he can help you with controlling your abilities... Then there's Rein but he's kinda cuckoo-" Zabdiel counted then off with his fingers.

"So, I'm guessing the only reason you're here is because you're the only one with an invitation." I sighed, the air from my body cooler than the air outside. "Not because of your ability, competence or any other qualification-"

"Hey, I'm protecting you. You're still alive and we're even training." He threw his hands up in the air.

"We're not making any progress."

"It's been less than a week!" He shrugged against the floor. "You're making it sound like I don't deserve to be here-"

"Kinda 'cause you don't?" I shrugged back.

"Hey, have some gratitude. Doing my best here. Can't help how you're a little less talented than your brother-"

I rolled my eyes. I heard that before.

My brother was the golden boy not only due to his lineage but his skill. There was no doubt in my mind that Zabdi was telling the truth, but it didn't make it hurt any less.

All I needed now was for Kaz to take back what was his and do a better job at it than me.,

"And anyway, you might like me enough to marry me." He winked in my direction. "Don't deny it. I know I'm hot."

Everything in this tunnel was hot.

I sighed.

Ilyaas's final rejection flashed through my head, and I suppressed it before Zabdi could see it in his mind. I hoped the many problems plaguing my thoughts would cover it for me.

Saying it out loud was easier than knowing he saw it in his head too – the pain I felt like I had no right to feel.

"Would you even marry me if I asked?"

"Do you know how good the food is here? I'd marry you just for that!" He kicked the air with glee. "The palaces, the cars, and the runners don't hurt either."

"I can't marry you even if I liked you." I plainly said.

"Why not?" He sat up, genuine confusion on his features "By human standards, I'm pretty handsome! People would kill to just stare at me as much as you do."

"Your father is a dictator." I emphasized the last words.

"So, you keep reminding me." He smirked. "And you didn't deny staring at me-" His smirk turned into a grin.

"I don't know what type of message that would send my people." I shrugged. I knew full well what message it would send.

"Then why'd you invite me, then?"

"A formality." I didn't invite you. Uncle Hassan did.

"Well then who do you wanna marry if not my perfection?" He smirked. I was sure he believed that.

"I have a year to decide." I sighed, the question making my head hurt, his vanity making it throb.

I felt like the ceiling was collapsing with each breath... It was all too much. Kaz, the Ravens, the refugees, the killer still unknown, a husband?

"Well, no... not a year." He ran his hands through his curls, doing the math. "Half a year for the tour. After that, the rest of us are gone so you must get an engagement in less than six months. Then you have to be married within the next year. Then an heir half a year after that-"

The frustration came over me like a wave. I didn't know if I wanted to hit something or cry. "And you know this because?" I said through gritted teeth, my brows furrowing, eyes squinting at the ceiling, pretending to be distracted.

"Thats what your ancestors did, I read the handouts." I chuckled. I wondered who made the handouts. "None at nineteen but... They had heirs up to the tenth in line under the House." He lit his fingers on fire, illuminating his face, from fiery ten digits. He extinguished nine. "Right now, it's just you." He blew the last one out like a candle. "They need a kid."

"I know." I sighed. The weight of it was so heavy. So many things to think about, so many things to get wrong.

"So, who among the twenty-nine would you like to boink?" He pulled me out of the way of the tsunami trying to come over me.

Boink?

"There are thirty of you." I pointed out.

"Taking myself out of the equation to give the others a fighting chance, of course." I had to roll my eyes again.

"Well, I don't know the answer either way." I said.

My child can't be like me. I had to marry a full human. Thus, he truly wasn't an option.

Zabdi frowned at that thought but changed the subject, knowing full well neither of us had the energy to talk about it.

"The blonde from Spain is nice. We had dinner before the coronation, and he was the most boring one there: no illegitimate sons and stuff. Perfect king material."

How low, the bar was.

I was pretty sure I messed that up already. "You think he... likes me?"

"I saw you kiss him. He kissed back. He looked like he meant it." He was silently saying it was me who didn't mean it at all. "He's decent. That's rare."

"I don't want to ruin him."

"I understand." He nodded, playing with the fire on his nails. "But most of them are damaged anyway. Maybe he already is." I remembered Theo.

I looked up at the concrete ceiling of the tunnel. I just wanted to escape these thoughts even for a moment, but they caught me at every turn.

"How about Theo Velez?" He asked, reading my mind. "Your people in the council like him. He reminds me of your bodygua-" It dawned on Zabdi longer than I thought it would. "Ah. You want to marry the bodyguard."

"Because he looks like Theo?" I raised an eyebrow at him, playing dumb. He didn't look like Theo. Theo could only wish.

"No, I just realized it now. Your people are rooting for him because he looks like your bodyguard." He said excitedly, like a boy who got the answer right. I could feel his consciousness trying to creep into mine. "You're not even denying it!"

He lay back down again, now juggling the fire balls with his fingertips." He's handsome, I get it, but he's a bodyguard."

"So?"

He sighed, exasperated from the question as if I should already have known. "He's from...?"

"Northerner." I said.

"Russia?"

"Africa..." I hesitated.

Zabdi beamed.

"So that's why you let the Onus in!" He smiled again with a light in his eyes. It looked forced. "Even my dad was worried about that. They're the Onus he can't control" Zabdi shifted a bit, realizing I understood what he meant. That his father had Onus he could control.

I was right in fortifying China.

"That's risky. Just 'cause you like the bodyguard?" He continued.

"His name is Ilyaas, not 'bodyguard'."

"He even has a nice name." Zabdi said. He took a deep breath in and shook his head. "You're nineteen. It's just a crush."

"I don't have a crush on Ilyaas." I said through grit teeth.

His beaming stopped.

"You... Love-" He looked at me, confused, his brows furrowed, unable to understand that it was possible.

"I proposed to Ilyaas. He said no." The hurt came back like an open wound. I wished I could take the words back and deny them, say I heard him wrong, but I couldn't.

"Damn..." He heaved a heavy sigh. Shaking his head he said, "You must be a freak."

"What?!" That's what he got from that?

"Your bodyguard, who knows you probably more than anyone.... said 'No' to you." He pointed out, his palms expressive, his face comically horrified. "Heck I'll say no to you. I'm not taking any chances."

"He said that because he had nothing to offer me. As if I needed offerings." I cursed Ilyaas. "I just wanted him."

"Why?" Zabdi was truly bewildered.

I was caught off-guard. What did he mean by that? There wasn't just one thing. Ilyaas was... he was everything to me. I had no one else to hold on to; no one loved me without the damned crown my head. Everyone's love was conditional, except his!

But Zabdi needed that one thing. So, I told him the reason why I proposed. "Because he said the best day of his life was when he first saw an Onus." And he was probably the only person in the continent who would say that. With full vulnerability, trusting me with a whisper of treason; loving what I was when I could not.

"So?" I realized then how he would never understand.

"Do you know how any of these men will act when they discover what I am?" I looked into his eyes, seeing they were devoid of comprehension. What I held in shame, he held in pride. "They'll run the other direction! I'll lose my home, I'll lose my people... Heck I'll lose my head." I touched my neck.

He blinked at that. Zabdi couldn't understand. "So... You asked a person to marry you because of the basic decency of accepting someone different."

"He's the rarest of all." I said. "Who could possibly accept things like us?" Zabdi grimaced at 'things'. "How many humans have Onus, like us, destroyed?"

He smirked ruefully at that, searching for my eyes. Locking me in when he said "Much less than the humans humans have destroyed, trust me." Zabdi's eyes went dark at that, that I had to look away.

"My heir can't be like me." I finally said. I sat up; my shoulders hunched. "When I finally lose it like all Onus do..." I bit the inside of my cheek. I didn't want to be conscious to see what would happen to me. "My heir has to be human, and he will have to kill me. I'll have to die." He would be justified, and he wouldn't lose his throne for my murder.

Zabdi stood up and turned away from me. He was shaking his head. Perhaps it was incredulity. Perhaps it was disapproval.

"I'm already supposed to, anyway. I'm not supposed to rule. If Kaz can keep it together longer than me... Then I'd let him. I would let either of them kill me when they needed to. "I held my hands up in surrender. "But until then I'd like to be loved.

You are. His voice echoed in my head.

Zabdi took a deep breath and lay completely still on the floor.

"I changed my mind." He said, exasperated, looking at the ceiling. "Do yourself a favor and marry him. Order him to do it if you have to."

Zabdi turned to look at me. It wasn't anger in his eyes anymore.

It was pity.

"Keeping two people who love each other apart? Awful." He spat. "You know what's worse? Keeping two people who hate each other together."

I didn't know what he had to go through to know that wisdom. All I knew is that it must have been painful.

"Diwata... you're going down both those roads if you marry anyone else but him." He nodded. "I get it."

"It's pathetic, isn't it?" I snorted.

"Not all of us lose it." He said. "But no one knows if or when it'll happen... And I think we should make good use of the time we have left before we destroy everything in sight."