The date indicator on my watch said the 16th. I bombed the Mongolians... the farmers exactly three years ago. Today was Reed's death anniversary and Aki was being forced to love the person who killed her. No wonder he broke.

I wanted to throw up everything I ate. I wanted to jump off the balcony. I wanted to die the way they died, the way I deserved to die.

Why was I crying?

In a world full of lies and secrets, I never thought I... the person who ruled over it all now... would be the one who knew the least. What was a crown and a throne and an empire if even with all those possessions, I still couldn't buy time? Buy the past and change it? Erase guilt, ignorance, regret?

I meant nothing. I, the empress of Eurasia, was and am still a pawn; powerless, a slave of secrets. How could I change the empire if I was an instrument of its madness?

Aki and I parted ways with a "Semper invicta." and I swore to him again of my homage to Reed and her family. How lucky was he to be three years ahead of moving on, while here I was, on day one of suffering?

He seemed lighter, I felt heavier.

But I promised myself never to forget the weight of seven thousand lives. The regret... it was something I deserved to feel. It was something I was not meant to forget.

Despite the sirens in my head trying to comfort me by calling him a liar, I knew what he said was truth.

Now the worst thing was not knowing... what if each person I've killed was innocent? All this time believing I was a warrior of Eurasia, what if I was her reaper?

I cursed myself. When I got into the runner, I asked that the driver go on the roads instead of the sky. I didn't want to see the East Garden from above anymore. I didn't want to remember Reed in the fields... so similar to the fields she died in. The fields I killed her in.

I was a murderer.

Not of the king, but of my people.

What empress does that?

Ilyaas would say I was following orders, that it was not my fault. But had I known better... a girl would still be alive, she would have been successful, she would have been able to support her family, maybe she would have been the girl on that balcony with the prince looking down at the garden she studied at school... in love and happy.

If only I knew then what I know now.

I fumbled around my dress pocket, reaching for my comm to call Ilyaas. I needed someone. I couldn't be alone. I didn't know the danger I posed to myself. The call went through, and I heard his comm ring, but he didn't pick up.

I tried again but still no answer. It wasn't like him.

The driver noticed my discomfort, but instead of talking to me, she closed the divider. "Take the long way back." I told her. I needed to be in something moving, I couldn't go into my room like this. I couldn't go in alone with my own thoughts... my thoughts would destroy me.

I found myself lying on the leather seat, looking up at the one-way mirror making up the roof of the runner. The city looked so beautiful, the lights were bright, and I couldn't make out a single star.

The driver probably closed the divider to muffle the sounds of my screaming cries. My throat was already raw and lying down the way I did made me feel like I couldn't breathe. Tears flooded my eyes, my nose, some even found themselves in my ear.

Salted cheeks and stinging soul.

I was a mess.

I messaged Uncle Hassan to maybe cancel my meetings tomorrow. I wanted to fly. But knowing my current state, I should have probably been around people. So, I deleted it. I could barely see the words I was typing down... even the software couldn't make out the words once I gave up trying to type them and started speaking them instead.

I wanted to die. No. I wanted to be crucified.

All this time I pretended to be like my grandfather for respect not knowing that I already was a monster just like him.

We were rounding the corner closer to the House. I finally stopped screaming.

I didn't realize how loud I was until I halted and felt the rawness, the aching of my throat. When I sat back up, I saw some blood spots on my dress. Looking around for the source, I saw my hands.

I was clenching them too hard that my nails cut little red crescents into my palms, and the diamond was also gleaming with blood. I had a feeling Theo would congratulate it for cutting me as well.

When I took the ring off, it was slick and easy. The blood lubricated it enough for it to come off in one swipe. I wiped it against my skirt. Then the crescents disappeared right before my eyes, the cut from the diamond turning into nice clean white skin. But of course.

I knocked at the divider. "I need the guards out of my quarters. Send for Ilyaas Malak."

Yes, I needed to be around people... but I didn't want anyone to see me like this except for him right now. I acknowledged the fact that someone had to save me from me.

"Copy." The driver replied.

When we got to the front door of the House, Uncle Hassan was there. I just undid the ribbons in my hair, covered my face, looked down and walked straight to my elevator.

He'll see the pictures from the night, he'll think it went well. Everyone else will think it went well, and even Theo Velez will be insecure for a moment before he sees the ring I wore in the picture.

Right when the elevator closed, I sank to the floor, the floodgates of my eyes opened again; the sobbing, the uncontrollable pain of it all went through me. Without much thought, as I heard the elevator door slide open, I threw the ring away deep into my hallway. Someone will have to find it later.

"Ahck!" I heard a yelp.

Tino was curled into a ball, shaking his bouquet of flowers at Jazzy. "Soft kitty...warm kitty..."

"Hi!" He said, hiding his head, after seeing me step out. "Uh... what was that?" Tino asked. I threw the ring at him and apparently, it hit him on the head since he was massaging a spot there.

I was too stunned to see him that I couldn't say anything. Jazzy eventually caught on that the man was not a threat, and decided to saunter back into my room, tail high.

After heaving a very relieved sigh, seeing as his life was no longer being threatened, he looked for the object that hit his head and found it right next to the molding on my floor. That's when he shot me an unbelieving look, his mouth agape, a little bleakness leaching into his Aegean eyes. "Someone proposed already?" He asked.

I nodded, wondering why he was there.

"Damn." He said, trying it on his pinky, wiggling it at me. "Did they do it wrong, though?"

I nodded. I'm sure blackmail was never a ritual in proposals past the medieval times.

"Why are you here?" I asked, as softly as I could, knowing he might still piss his pants from his oversized tiger encounter, not wanting him to leave while not knowing why I didn't want him to go.

"Well... I..." He took a deep breath, steadying himself. "I saw the pictures of you and Prince Akihito from the news a few seconds ago and I thought... well I..." Tino stared intently at the floor, playing with his flowers. "I was at the lobby... I was waiting for you and then I saw Prince Hassan and then he told me to come up here to wait for you instead. I asked about your cat, but he said she'd be inside your room, not in the entry, and that there were guards... but when I got here, there were no guards, and the cat ate my carnations."

"Um." My brain was mush. I also probably looked like a mess. I didn't want to know how I looked like to him.

"Here." Tino said, approaching me and giving me the remainder of his green carnations. "I actually didn't know what I would do when I got here..." He admitted, bashful.

I took the carnations from his hands; I'd never gotten flowers before. I just held them limply to my side, the stems were still wet.

"The nice lady that cleaned my room... you know, chubby Islander, her name's Marjorie. She told me you liked carnations, green ones. So, I picked the ones from the vase in my room... that your people put there..." He blinked. "I'm... giving you carnations you gave me."

"Thanks." I said. I did like green carnations. They were my rebellion against the red ones my mother doted on in Monaco, where we used to live. "How may I help you?" What was I saying? I sounded like a girl from the front desk. I was talking to what seemed to be my only chance at happiness and I couldn't form the right sentence. Stupid.

Why now? My throat was still raw. I still killed thousands of innocent people. I didn't deserve the boy in front of me and the life I saw myself living with him.

"I... came here to see you." He said, his fingers knotting his gray scarf. "To thank you for the painting."

"Oh." I nodded, sniffling. He got it. I hoped he liked it, but I didn't ask.

"It's the best gift anyone has ever given me." My heart warmed at his confession.

"Just so you won't be sad in business school." I said, realizing only a few seconds later what I actually said. His face drained of blood. "I'M NOT SENDING YOU HOME!" The words tripped over each other as they exited my mouth.

Tino's hand went over his heart. While my brain stopped functioning, I saw him sidestep me as he went for the elevator, probably trying to have mercy on his chest. "I... I guess it's a bad time."

I turned to see him off. It should have been easy. Ilyaas was probably coming back to the House, and I was supposed to be with someone I couldn't lie to, someone who'll keep my secrets, someone who knew me well enough, someone who I knew would still love me after the truth... but then something stopped me.

"Tino... would you like to go out for curry?"

×+×

So, after calling Marjorie in, using her glove as she went to organize my paintings, Tino and I escaped through the maid's entrance and into the city. They still didn't learn their lesson from the last time I escaped.

Tino was confused all the way through, but he kept his pretty mouth shut. I reached out for his hand the way I always held Ly's in mine when we were out, afraid of getting lost in the crowds.

His hands were much softer, and he gave a little yelp when I held it, but he held on.

"Why are you wearing a wig?" He whispered to me as we lined up for a tram, his back to the line, his hands clutching mine, counting off each finger. He was still wearing the diamond ring Theo gave me on his pinky, and he looked like he had no intention of giving it back.

"Well, I can't just go out any time I want." I said, adjusting the hood I was using to hide the pink explosion on my head. "My life is strictly regimented."

He smirked in a way that wasn't cold or calculating. How refreshing. His blond curls were blowing a bit in the night's wind, his all gray and blue outfit looking like it was camouflage for the city.

His camouflage did no good though. Tino looked like he was glowing tonight. He pursed his lips together after his smirk and I swore I heard someone swoon.

"Tino, don't do that." I said, reaching out to poke the spot on his cheek where his dimple always appeared on. The act felt so natural.

"Do what?" He raised both eyebrows.

"Hide a smile in a smirk like that. I like it when you smile." I gave him one, a toothy smile, a smile that crinkled my face at the edges. It almost hurt after all the crying, but I felt so relieved.

Then he gave me a full grin. It was glorious.

He was joy.

"So... that's why there's no one from PL with you?" He asked, looking behind me for someone from the Pentagon League.

"Yes, if they knew I was out, the guards would have to check my route, follow me with a drone, PL would have to be with me... et cetera."

"To keep you safe..." He said and I rolled my eyes. "You don't have a tracker?"

"Cut it off, baby!" I said, climbing on to the tram. "Do you have a tracker?"

"I'm not that important, love." He led me to the best seats, making sure to sit slightly across from me to hide me from the other people when we boarded the tram. Nevertheless, I saw some girls pull out their handhelds and take pictures of him. Not an Ilyaas Malak either, but he looked like summer in human form.

Sand for hair, sun for skin, and a sea for eyes.

Look up at the pyramid for me. I saw a green flash behind Raza's lenses - the ones I popped back in before heading out. I have information on Kazimir. My blood went cold. Raza knew where I was, I did have a tracker. Thanks for coming out. I thought I had to force you near a pyramid after what happened.

My hand spasmed at the thought. My brother had to be alive. Kazimir was alive. He will be king. I felt my blood grow cold.

"Are you alright?" Tino asked, his hand finding its way over to my hair.

"Oh um." I was floundering. "Can we go in the pyramid before we go eat?"

"As you wish." He said, looking around for the sound of the clicks of the handheld cameras. "You know the guy who gave you the ring... isn't it a bit soon?"

I shrugged. "Some people like it when guys are direct."

He thought on that for a moment, probably thinking I was pressuring him. "I'm only twenty-one."

"And?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Marriage?"

I sighed, some nights the thought kept me up too. "I know."

"They expect you to marry by nineteen. I mean, I'm already graduating... but at that time I was still doing a lot of rash things I'd rather not mention. And they want you to be an empress, a married empress, a mother..."

"Hey, queen Lesya was married at eighteen." I said, remembering the legend-like books about her.

"That was three-hundred years ago."

I shrugged again. Time went by differently for the imperial family.

"They'll give me a year." I played with Theo's ring on Tino's pinky. "I'll be married at twenty or twenty-one." I tried saying it like it didn't bother me, but of course it did.

"Ah so you have a year to propose to me." He pointed at himself, his eyebrows raised in suggestion, a small smile widening itself across his face.

"So, you know the rules then?"

"Yeah, my grandfather's sister, the one who's married to the King of Spain, she had to propose to him and abdicate after... since she was first in line." He looked up at the ceiling wistfully. "Maybe you'll like me enough like she did him in a year-"

"Are you sure you want this though?" I asked. "You said it yourself, you're twenty-one. Guards, cameras, everyone knowing who you are? Your kids would go to school with a pack of journalists at their tails. You wouldn't be able to go to galleries without the curator hounding you."

He shrugged at the ceiling, avoiding my gaze. "We can help a lot of people too, like the way you paid for everyone in that hospital. The way you helped all those people with the gifts you and your brother got for Christmas. Don't kill me... I read your file before I came here-"

I understood, but did he?

"People will say nice things to you because they need you, not because they like you. You'll have enemies, everyone outside will criticize everything you do from what you wear to what you eat. You might be doing things wrong and no one on the inside will tell you, and you'll hurt a lot of people too. You won't be able to walk around any time you want..." I continued. Maybe Ilyaas was right, maybe Tino knew the price, but what if? What if he'd wake up someday and realize I'm a bit too much? That marrying me was like marrying the world?

"Well, it will be us against the world, then, love, if it comes down to it." He said, holding my hand and giving it a squeeze. "If all else fails, I can always wear a pink wig."

Going into the garden was easy. I sneaked in without a hitch since the scanners didn't pick up my earpiece or my contact. Once there, we went down a straight path lined with ashokas to the pyramid of the South Garden. I didn't anticipate the anxiety I felt, looking up at the pyramid, remembering the smoke and the ash and the flares of sparks threatening to kill my people.

I barely took notice of the shrubbery, the orange flowers still in bloom, the fruit trees growing over one another. The lily pads and the lotus flowers floating on still water, the geometric repetition of angles that made the whole place look like a view from a kaleidoscope... almost completely lost on me due to the cresting waves of trauma battering my brain.

"Is something wrong?" He asked.

I squeezed his hand but kept walking. The closer we got, a download bar appeared in my line of sight. Raza was sending me information on a contact lens. Stare inside. Message is encrypted.

"No..." I smiled at him. "Go on, keep talking..."

"My brother, his name is Philipe, he loves it here. He goes to the Ateneo in Lesya and apparently has dinner hear all the time. Lucky bastard."

"Hmm... is he as cute as you?" I asked, distracted.

"Nah." He stuck his tongue out. "My second younger brother though, he looks like me so yeah, he's a bit better than the other one."

"My brother was beautiful." I blurted. Why did I say that?

"I saw pictures of him as a child, mum always dressed me like him."

"All white?"

"All white." He said. "How old was he when he..."

"He was sixteen." I sighed. Maybe he'd turn twenty-two this year.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It's been a while."

He shook his head. "Losing someone... wounds like that don't heal. They always teeter between being a scab and being fresh. They bleed at the lightest touch." He said. "I feel like that for my Upapa when he died... and we weren't even that close." He squeezed my hand. "Were you close to your brother?"

"Yes. He was my best friend." It's been a while since I even spoke of him. "He always said he had better skin than me though, that I was a washed-out piece of paper... that I don't miss."

"Well, you're a nice piece of paper."

"Yes I am."

We were at the pyramid's base already, and as I looked up; the download bar started to move.

We walked in and under the pyramid, and I stared into a sky of glass. The blinking lights I saw earlier on the other pyramid were masked somehow there, maybe that's why I never saw them before, but Aki was right. They were transmitters, because the downloading speed was accelerating as I got closer. When I looked down the speed slowed ever so slightly, so I fixed my gaze onto the panel closest to Tino's head, not wanting to take my attention off of him.

"May I ask who proposed to you?" His voice was getting lower, his body betraying his jealousy. Despite not wanting him to feel bad, I was only a girl, and making a guy squirm was one of life's simpler pleasures.

I nodded. "Theo Velez."

He absorbed that for a bit, probably remembering the silver beauty of that asshole, unaware of his hidden asshole-ness. "And Prince Akihito?"

"Doesn't wasn't to marry me." I said matter-of-factly.

"Is he dense?" He asked in a tone of total incredulity. His head snapping at me.

"I think he's smart." I smirked at him.

"Oh." He said under his breath, nodding to himself, a small smile leaking on to his features the way a rising sun's rays peak out of clouds. I couldn't help but mirror it. "So, you think I'm dumb enough to do this?"

"Dumb enough to do what?"

I shouldn't have asked that, distracted with my eyes on a panel of transmitters, because that's when he leaned in. My face moved as the lens said 90%, as his lips missed mine by an inch.

And he just shot off.

"SHIT!" He cursed himself. "I am so sorry! I read it wrong! You're probably wearing that wig because you don't even wanna be seen with me, maybe you even said yes to the bad proposal! I mean it's quite a pretty ring and it's goddamned heavy, and you have it in your possession-" He took the ring off his pinky and held it out for himself, wiggling it. "I'd say yes!"

He twirled. "Oh god I messed up! My carnations were eaten by a gigantic tiger, I didn't even have the balls to ask you out by myself, while the Akihito guy got you the most expensive restaurant in the city!" I chuckled. "God, I'm so sorry, this is yours! Why was I wearing it?!" He handed the out to me.

I kept my lips pursed, hiding the laugh I was about to let go. I scraped by with a giggle. He was a happy ending to a bad day.

"Aren't you going to get this?" He held out the ring for me, the lights of the South Garden reflecting on it and into fractals across his face.

I guffawed. There he was, curly hair askew, holding out a ring to me, screaming while everyone else watched. What a pure soul.

"What?"

My hands found the clips in my hair first before I knew what I was doing. The wig cap came off, the pink hair, gone. I heard gasps in the crowd, a "Where's my phone." by someone across from us, and even a "Is that the empress?"

Yes, I am Lizaveta.

"What are you doing?" He asked as I got closer, happy for his existence. "Your hair is out, love." Tino started taking off his scarf to cover me.

"Is it?" I asked nodding, as he draped the scarf on my hair, wrapping my head in heavy wool.

"Yes. It-"

I kissed him. On my tippy toes, with a smile on my face, I kissed him. His lips were soft like his hands, the hands that now circled slowly around me.

By that time, everyone knew who I was, everyone knew who he was, and everyone wanted to document it - even me - but no one could. Tino was the one who saw my mess today and decided I was still good enough to talk to, he was the one who tried to make it better, clean it up.

It was the first selfish thing I'd done in weeks.

Downloaded. My lens said.

Maybe I'd done it out of frustration over the bad day, maybe I did it because I needed someone and Ly didn't care about me the way he did, maybe I was pulling the sun from the sky down into my dark world, but in that moment, he was exactly what I needed, and I didn't care.

He'd yet to know who I was and what I'd done, and maybe in time, he'll be smart enough to leave... but right now, in his arms, under this Southern Pyramid, I was happy.