11

My entire being wanted to vanished and float along with the small particles in the air. I was being engulfed by the intense feeling of humiliation, I was completely and utterly unable to explain where I got it from.

"T-that's...." I trailed off. Walang salitang kayang bigkasin.

His eyes were hovering over me, tinatansya ako kung tama ba ang sinabi niya patungkol sa akin. My chest slowly fell, silently letting out a breath I was holding. It somehow woke something inside my chest.

I pressed my lips into a thin disbelief smirk while avoiding his gaze.

"Ano bang pinagsasabi mo?" Sinubukan kong umarte na para bang walang alam sa pinagsasabi niya. I even shook my head, staying in Cid's character. "HIndi ko alam ang tungkol sa sinasabi mo, Dude."

Putangina, Cassee, just swear lies! Sinungaling na kung sinungaling pero hindi mo pwedeng biguin ang Papa mo. He put so much trust in you, and you can't let him disappointed.

Minsan ka na lang pagkatiwalaan... sisirain mo pa ba?

"Bakit ka nagpapanggap na lalaki?" He asked again, and this time I was unable to respond. "What's the point of you pretending to be a man? Para ba kapag nakagawa ka na naman ng panibagong krimen, mabilis mo lang matatago ang pagkakakilanlan mo?"

The disbelief in his voice made me blink numerous times. Para kasing. . . iba ang tono n'ya. May pinapahiwatig pero hindi klaro masyado sa akin kung naguluhan lang ba siya o hinuhuli niya lamang ako.

I gulped twice... no, thrice. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Paulit-ulit ang mura sa isipan ko.

Wala naman siyang katibayan na hawak para patunayan ang sinasabi niya... pero ano ang gagawin n'ya kapag nalaman n'ya?

I pursed my lips and I felt my heart race in nervousness. 

Mabilis na umangat ang mga tingin namin sa direksyon ng pintuan nang bumukas ito. Sage, Mount and Ace entered loudly with laughter on their faces.

I breathe a sigh of relief. They interrupted our conversation. Gusto kong pasalamatan ang tatlo sa bigla na lamang pagpasok sa loob ng kwarto na wala ni anumang pasabi. 

"Gago talaga 'tong si Ace, hindi pinansin si Euan, porke ghinost siya," Bulkan mentally laughed. Akmang mag-sasalita pa sana siya nang mag-tama ang mata nilang dalawa ni Xion. 

Natutop ang tatlo na tila ba may anghel na dumaan. 

"H-Hi," Bulkan waved his right hand to Xion and slowly looked at me. Kaagad namang nahulog ang kaniyang ngiti sa labi nang mapasadahan ng tingin ang itsura ko. 

His face was filled with worry and wonder. "An'yare sa 'yo?"

"Nag-suntukan ba kayo?" Ace asked Xion. Bahagya siyang lumapit sa akin para tingnan kung gaano kalala ang nangyari sa mukha ko. "Gago, next week na GLD finals tapos puro bangas ka?"

I was about to speak when Sage grabbed my attention. Tuwid siyang nakatayo sa may pintuan ng kwarto, naka-kibit balikat habang seryoso ang tingin na pinupukaw kay Xion. it was as if he was telling Xion something by the look he was giving him.

"I'm not the one who beat him," 

Umangat ang sulok ng aking labi kasabay nang mabilis na pag-lipad ng tingin ko patungo kay Xion.

Him... Him... Him...

Pagkatuwa ang bumalot sa sikmura ko. Did he believe what I said? Na lalaki ako? At hindi isang babae?

I bit my bottom lip to stop a smile from escaping my mouth. Ang kaninang bagsak at natataranta kong kalamnan ay napalitan ng pag-asa. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay napaka-galing ko sa hindi pagsasabi ng totoo dahil napaniwala ko ang lalaki.

"H'wag niyo kong intindihin... I'll make sure to get rid of my bruises before the GLD finals." I cassually said before disrespectfully walked out of that room and went to the bathroom. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and pulled my own hair. 

That was so close. A close one. 

He is very close to discovering that I am a woman.

I was so close to death.

Mabuti na lang talaga at dumating ang tatlo. Dahil kung hindi, paniguradong mapapaniwala si Xion sa narinig niya galing kay Jaena. 

And I'm sure that the moment he finds out I'm a girl, he'll unveil me right away. 

Mahirap kausap ang lalaking 'yon. Hindi siya madadaan sa masinsinang usapan—pero... kung sakaling pakinggan niya ang rason ko, ano ang idadahilan ko? What excuse do I have? Anong sasabihin ko sa oras na malaman niya?

I closed my eyes and shook my head, clearing my thoughts.

Why am I always overthinking?

Sarili ko lamang ang nahihirapan at nalulunod sa pag-iisip dahil sa lumilipad kong isipan. I shouldn't overthink the little things. He already said that my sex is his. Hindi ko na dapat pinapalaki sa isipan ko ang mga bagay na maliit lamang. 

Napaniwala na siya. 

But I have to be careful with my actions.

Nang makalabas ako sa loob ng banyo ay agad 'kong sinubsob ang sarili sa malambot na kama. The pillow sheet and bed sheet were fragrant, but Sage's smell still dominated our entire room. Sakto lang ang tapang nito.

"Masakit pa rin?" Sage asked me inquisitively, pointing to the same spot on my face where my bruises are. 

"Kapag nababangga na lang," Maikli kong sagot. 

He nodded, still looking straight at my bruises. "Sa sofa na ako matutulog. Diyan ka na."

Tumango ako at hindi na nag-pakipot pa. I've been hoping and praying that he'll sleep on the couch instead of right next to me. Mabuti na lang talaga at nag-boluntaryo siya. Baka kasi nararamdaman niya rin na naiilang ako kapag may katabi sa higaan. 

I took my cellphone and smiled when I saw Astre's chat. it was only five minutes ago when he sent me a message. 

Love </3:

good eve, love

sorry hindi kita na-chat

my doctor doesn't allow me to use a cellphone or any gadget today 

Me:

Hello, I miss you :>

'wag ka ngang makulit, sundin mo sinasabi sa 'yo ng doctor

kaya ka nagkakasakit, bobo ka kasi

Love </3:

okay okay okay chill, love haha

I just have 5 minutes to talk to you

'wag mo na kong pagalitan

Me:

magpahinga ka na lang kaya

may babae ka ba? ganoon ba kahalaga yon sayo?

5 minutes amputa. mama mo 5 minutes

Love </3:

 5 minutes to check you :>

nag-kwento sa'kin si Jaena tungkol sa nangyari

I'm sorry if I wasn't careful, nakita tayo ni Ja nung Thursday

Nalaman tuloy niya 

Me:

okay lang

mas mukha pa ngang katiwa-tiwala sa'yo yung pinsan mo

Love </3: 

lol ka

umh okay na ba mukha mo?

lagyan mo ng yelo. may ipabibigay rin ako riyan na gamot, ipapaabot ko kay Ja

Me:

weh? ok.

kaunti na lang maniniwala na akong wala kang babae

btw alam mo bang gago 'yong asawa ng pinsan mo?

haha mas pogi kasi ako sa kaniya kaya niya ako pinagsusuntok

Love </3:

hindi ko siya ma-contact. naka-block din ako sa socmed niya

kaya nga dapat gumaling agad ako para maabutan ko siya bago 'yon umalis ng bansa

Me:

nuenaman gagawin mo be?

feeling nito malakas siya

e ang laki laking tao no'n

drop gagawin

Love </3:

tapos na 5 minutes

goodnight, love

I love you

Me:

Ah gano'n? ayaw mo talaga sabihin?

Ok.

I love you too, night

I exited the app and shut my phone. Pinikit ko ang aking mga mata at kinabukasan ay maagang nagising dahil sa pag-yugyog sa'kin ni Sage. The sunlight streaming in through the bedroom window hit me as soon as I opened my eyes.

"Pinapatawag ka ni Captain," Anunsiyo niya. "Papunta raw kasi dito yung Jordan."

My mouth fell open. Ano naman kaya ang pakulo nung hayop na Jordan na 'yon? Ang aga-aga naman niyang pumunta.

"Oh, susunod na ako." I said and got up from lying down. 

I went to the bathroom and immediately took a shower. I changed into a simple white t-shirt and shorts before finally going in the living room.

Pagkapasok ko pa lamang ay agad nila akong sinalubong ng tanong.

"Cheating ang reason bakit ka bugbog sarado?" Ben asked me using his playful tone. Nakangisi pa ito at tila ba proud na proud sa nalaman. "Ain't TVOT member without reason—"

Nick cut him off. "Damay mo pa buong TVOT sa pagiging babaero mo."

"Talaga." Nick rolled his eyes.

"'Wag nga kayong maingay," Suway ni Jethro sa dalawang nagtatalo. "Nahihirapan mag-isip si Captain kasi ang ingay niyong dalawa. Nag-talo pa kayo, e pareho namang walang pumapatol sa inyo."

"Kapal mo naman," Bulong ni Ace, hindi nagpapatalo. 

"May mukha bang manipis?"

"Oo, 'yang mukha mo kapag binalatan kita—"

Xion clicked his tongue, causing them to close their mouths. 

"Jes," Tawag ni Xion sa lalaki. "Isama mo silang lahat paalis. Ang gulo, e. Seryosong usapan, ginagago."

Sage laughed. 

Napangiwi tuloy ako. Mukhang totoo nga ang sinasabi ni Xion, ginagago lang nila 'tong seryosong bagay. 

"Hindi ko makakausap si Jordan, Xion," As he sprayed himself with perfume and appeared to be in a rush, Jes explained to Xion. "May urgent meeting ako ngayon... kaya kapag hinanap ako, sabihin mo saka na lang kami mag-usap."

Buklan gasped. "Hindi ako sasama sa 'yo, Jes, hah. May bagong bukas na unli wings diyan, oh. Mukhang masarap."

Nick was about to speak but was stopped by a knock on the door. All our attention went to the door and I saw Bulkan immediately open it.

Napairap ako nang iluwal ng pinto si Jordan. 

"Good morning, Sir," Bulkan greeted Jordan and faced us. "Mauuna na ako, nag-ccrave kasi talaga ako sa chicken wings."

"Sama kami!" Ben said and hurriedly go out. 

Tumingi sa'kin si Sage kaya tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. That look seems to be saying something. Pero hindi ko maintindihan ang gusto niyang ipahiwatig sa'kin. He gave me a wave and eventually made his way out.

Napamura ako sa aking isipan nang tuluyang balutin ng katahimikan ang buong sala. 

Xion offered Jordan a seat.

"I apologize on behalf of my teammate about what happened last night, Sir," Kalmadong ani Xion. 

Umangat naman ang kilay ko dahil sa narinig na paghingi ng tawad ni Xion. I gave him the "why are you sorry, I'm the victim and he's the one at fault" look. Pero hindi niya ako pinansin.

"We've only been married for a month, and that man is going to flirt with my wife in private?"  Seryosong ani ng lalaki. "Your teammate is my wife's paramour. Aren't you ashamed?"

Patago akong napairap dahil sa pinagsasabi ni Jordan. 

Nakakainis, ang aga-aga tapos puro kaputanginahan agad naririnig ko!

"I will file him a case,"

Napatingin ako kay Jordan at sarkastiko siyang tinawanan. "A case? You'll file me a case?"

"Yes, Adultery," He said that confidently.

Napa-tuwid ako sa pagkakaupo. "But your wife and I will be subjected to such punishment. Aren't you aware?"

"I'm aware that's why I already sign our divorce paper,"

Nahulog ang panga ko dahil sa mabilis niyang pag-desisyon. He immediately divorced Jaena just because of that? Ni hindi niya nga yata naririnig ang panig ni Jaena tapos makikipag-divorce siya? 

"Go, divorce her," Buong kumpiyansa kong sinabi iyon. "Jaena deserves better."

"And I deserve better too,"

Napahugot ako nang malalim na hininga, pinapasadahan ang halos basa kong buhok. 

"Foreigners should make decisions based on logic. Because why? It is clear that Pinays rely solely on their wealth to escape poverty," He gritted his teeth. "I'm looking for true love, for someone who will look after me if I fall ill... I'm smart, I just can't be used that easily."

I laughed. 

"Gusto mo pala nang mag-aalaga sa 'yo kapag may sakit ka, e 'di mag-hanap ka ng nurse," Bulong ko sa sarili. Xion overheard it and swiftly looked at me without emotion.

Kinuyom ko ang aking kamao at sinamaan din ng tingin si Xion bago tuluyang tumingin kay Jordan.

"Okay, then, let's meet in the court, Mr. Lover boy—"

"Hon," I was stopped when Jaena's voice came through the door. Napatingin ako sa pintuan at agad na niluwal niyon si Jaena na halos habulin ang kaniyang hininga. "Hon! Can you hear me this time?"

Tuluyan akong napairap.

I hate hearing and seeing women begging men to listen to their side.

"Cid is not a guy, Hon," Jaena spit those words again. "Hindi siya lalaki, Xion!"

I felt the movement of Xion's eyeball towards me, causing me to shake my head gently, disappointed because I trusted the girl. 

Nagkibit balikat ako, pilit na pinapakalma ang sarili. 

I hate it when someone I trust betrays me. Minsan na nga lang ako may pagkatiwalaan at sabihan ng sikreto, masasabi pa ito sa iba. I really hate it and it disgusts me!

Malagkit ang binigay kong tingin kay Jaena. "Ano bang pinagsasabi mo?"

Yeah, I chose to spend almost three years in jail by throwing that four words. Ganoon din naman ang makakahinatnan ko kahit ano ang piliin ko sa pagpipilian. Mauuwi at mauuwi pa rin ako sa presinto.

May pagkakaiba lang. 

If I continued to pretend to be Cid, nobody else would get into trouble. And once I admit that I'm a girl, there will undoubtedly be a big mess, with many more names involved.

And many why's.

"Umamin ka na lang na babae ka para matapos na 'to lahat!"

"What do you mean?—"

"'Wag mo nang itanggi. You are a girl," Bumaling siya kay Xion at sa asawa niya. "Do you want me to prove it?"

Nag-tama ang mga mata namin ni Xion. I tried to read his emotions but his face was blank so I couldn't tell what he was feeling. Panigurado naman ako na may parte sa kan'ya na natutuwa dahil magkakaroon siya ng panibagong dahilan para mas lalo akong paratangan sa krimen na hindi ko naman ginawa.

"She's my cousin's girlfriend, Astre's girlfriend," Nanginginig ang kamay ni Jaena nang kuhanin niya ang cellphone niya sa kaniyang bulsa. "Here, this is my convo with Astre yesterday. I told him what happened to his girlfriend,"

"Jaena," Pinanlisikan ko ng tingin ang babae. 

"I also have a picture of them, secretly meeting in front of the mall," Hindi pa nakuntento ang babae at nilakihan pa ang litrato para mas lalong makita ang mukha ko. "That's her, dressed in a dress."

Ibinalandra ng babae ang litrato sa dalawang lalaki. And the only thing that came to my mind was a curse.

I looked at Xion. His face was in disbelief. His stare was long and I could feel my cheeks heating because of how the way he isn't taking his eyes off me. I heard him letting out a sigh.

Beads of sweat started forming in my forehead.

Fuck! Alam niya na! Paano na 'to?!

 
I was about to talk to explain myself when he let out another sigh again before he stand up. Pabagsak niyang ibinaba ang cellphone niya sa lamesa at bumaling kay Jaena.

 
"Pwede na kayong lumabas," It was a serious tone.

 
I scoffed myself and averted my gaze somewhere else. Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakaupo at akmang pipihitin ang door knob nang magsalita ulit si Xion.

"Maiwan ka rito, Cid,"

I shut my eyes tightly. Fuck, ano naman kayang pag-uusapan namin?!

 
Lumabas si Jordan matapos manghingi ng pasensya kay Xion. He didn't even apologize to me. Ang bastos naman ng lahi niya!

 "I'm sorry," Huminto si Jaena sa harapan ko. 

Inirapan ko ito at pinantaasan ng kilay, hindi na kaya pang itago ang ugaling pang-babae. "I trusted you," 

"I'm sorry,"

I laughed. "Sorry for what? Wala namang magagawa ang sorry mo—"

"There is. It saved my family, we didn't go to jail and... it saved your dream of becoming a pro-gamer."

"But it didn't save our friendship, Jaena."

Nahulog ang balikat niya.

"You can go," Pinabuksan ko pa ng pinto ang babae. She still seems to want to talk to me and is still undecided about going out. Kaya naman sinenyasan ko siya na lumabas na. 

"Sorry..." She apologized again using her breath before finally going out.

Pabagsak kong sinara ang pinto at naiilang na tiningnan si Xion. 

I swallowed the blockage in my throat before finally approaching him. Wala akong ibang nararamdaman kun'di ang pawis na tumatagaktak sa'king binti at sa palad. My heart is beating fast and I don't know how to stop it.

It's obvious that I'm nervous. 

"Oh?" I raised my eyebrows, waiting for what he would say next. Minabuti kong itaas ang aking noo para hindi masiyadong halata na kinakabahan ako. 

I'm not nervous about Xion. I'm nervous because of my dad and my twin. Knowing Papa, paniguradong madidismaya na naman ang isang 'yon sa'kin—and he will always refer to me as the family's black sheep.

"You better leave our group, the TVOT," His tone gave me goosebumps. 

Sobra akong napako sa aking kinatatayuan. This was something I didn't think of. Ni hindi ko nga kailan man naisip na magiging ganito ang epekto ng mga salitang binitawan niya.

Leaving the TVOT team will be a relief for me. 

Para bang makakalaya ako mula sa pagkakakulong sa impyerno. I also don't have to pretend to be a man and be careful with everymove I make. May kalayaan sa oras na umalis ako rito.

Pero makakalaya at makakatakas kaya ako sa mga salita na ibabato sa'kin ni Papa? Paano na rin si Cyren? Kailangan kong mapa-opera 'yung bata.

"Baka kapag dumami ang makaalam sa pinagagagawa mo, mapapahamak ang team ko," 

He continously tapped the table using his fingers. 

"Let's not meet again."

^____________________^