04

His infuriatingly flawless complexion, resembling porcelain, only intensified my frustration. 

Each strand of his hair seemed to glisten under the sunlight as he strutted by, a constant reminder of his infuriating charm. His lips, adorned with an effortlessly enticing shade of crimson, evoked a mixture of envy and desire within me. 

Even his every movement carried an infuriating elegance, leaving me feeling inadequate in comparison. His dark, almost obsidian hair and moderate height only added to his infuriating allure. 

In my anger, I begrudgingly admitted that he resembled a malevolent Snow White, eclipsing anyone, including myself. He was undeniably the epitome of infuriating beauty...

Despite my anger towards him, I couldn't help but acknowledge his undeniable handsomeness.

Inis na bumuntong hininga ako.

Pogi siya para sa iba... hindi para sa'kin! Sa tingin ko nga, mas attractive pa ako tingnan sa kaniya. 

His mere existence became a source of my rage, and the thought of him enduring a constant barrage of punches brought me a twisted satisfaction. In my eyes, he was nothing but a deserving recipient of the relentless blows he could never escape.

"Ang-" Sinapo ko ang bibig ko nang aksidenteng muntikan magamit ang pang-babaeng boses. But I was not stopped from what I was going to do and cleared my throat before speaking again. 

"Ang kapal naman ng mukha mo!" Sinubukan kong maging mahinahon upang ipakita ang pagiging lalaki. "I'm straight, bro. At kahit man maging baliko ako, I will not stoop down to your level."

Totoo naman kasi! Kahit offer-an niya ako ng pera na lagpas sa one-fifty, hindi ako papatol sa kaniya. Okay naman yung itsura niya, hindi naman mukhang nakakadiri. Pero yung ugali? Putangina, kadiri!

"I didn't say it was you," Muli siyang lumakad palapit sa'kin na ikinadahilan upang tuluyan akong mapaatras at muling madiin sa salamin ng bus. Kung hindi nga tinted ang salamin ng bus na 'to, there might have been rumored news that Xion and I were dating and that we were both bisexual.

"Hindi ko rin naman sinabing ako 'yon, bro."

He smirked. "She's a pervert and you're a murderer." 

I was the "she" he was talking about. At inaakusahan niya ako ngayon na mamamatay tao ako? Ang kapal talaga. Wala naman akong balak silipan ang bawat myembro ng bulok niyang team 'no! Mas may abs pa nga ako sa kanila!

Breath, Cassee. 

Think. 

Think about the consequences if you continue your anger and make a wrong move, Cassee Yvonne Acosta. 

Shit! Anong gagawin ko? Sobrang lapit niya sa'kin.

Tila lilisanin na nga ng puso ko ang katawan ko. I can still feel the heat of his breath dahil sa maliit na distansya sa pagitan namin. 

I pressed my lips together and looked away. Hindi ko naman siya masisisi. Dahil kahit ako, magagalit din ako at hindi mako-kontrol ang sarili sa oras na iharap sa'kin ang taong kinikilalang pumatay sa bestfriend ko. But why am I the one who has to suffer and not the real killer?

Bakit ako? At hindi ang kapatid ko?

Sabay kaming napa-tayo ng tuwid nang marinig na bumukas ang pinutan ng bus. There was a look of shock on both of our faces and we both moved away from each other. Umakto pa nga akong hinahanap ang sunglasses kahit na nasa harapan ko lamang ito. 

"Si Cid ba 'yan?" Oh. Boses iyon ni Ben. 

He was the top-solo of the TVOT team. Guinevere is his main. Malakas siya. Napatumba at napaiyak nga niya ang ibang pro-gamer na Guinevere rin ang main. 

"Kanina pa kayo rito?"

I stood up holding my sunglasses and was about to speak when Xion got ahead of me. 

"I just took a short nap. Sumakit kasi ang ulo ko kaya nag-pahinga muna. Pero pabalik naman na ako." Aniya at nakita ko pa ang pag-pasada niya ng tingin sa'kin mula sa gilid ng kaniyiang mata.

I even heard him clicked his tongue in annoyance before leaving. 

We watched him get off the bus and immediately Ben and I met our eyes. Naiilang na ngumiti sa akin ang lalaki kaya naman bahagya ko itong pinantaasan ng kilay. He seems nervous and afraid of me. 

Awkward, shit! 

I opened my mouth, was about to speak but no words came out of my mouth so I just closed it and smiled awkwardly at Ben. 

"H-Hinihintay tayo ng NSC news sa labas. Sandaling interview lang 'yon. P-Pwede ka pong tumanggi kung hindi ka comfy magpa-interview—" Naging malikot ang mata niya habang patuloy na nakapaskil ang naiilang na ngiti sa labi.

He was traumatized, for sure. 

Tumango naman ako bilang sagot sa kaniyang tanong. "I'll go,"

"Okay, susunod na lang ako. Mauna ka na."

I breathed a sigh of relief when I got off the bus. I feel like I'm going to the Olympics—it's a matter of life and death. I tried to slow down the walk so I could have a few more minutes to process and shake off my feelings.

Argh, fuck shit, I feel guilty for doing this!

Malayo pa lamang ay nahuli na agad ng mga mata ni Xion ang mata ko. He stood there formally while smiling at those reporters. Halata namang peke ang ngiti na iginagawad niya sa mga camera, It is just for pictures.

Tumayo ako ng tuwid sa kaniyang tabi at naiilang na ngumiti. There are so many cameras, and I'm not very used at it. Boses ko lamang kasi ang ini-ere at ipinapatalastas sa mga radyo sa trarbaho ko. My face was not included and instead of a camera, I was surrounded by a mic in my work.

And so, when I finally couldn't help it...

I broke down—probably over the smallest reason a person could ever find. Social anxiety was crippling me inside. It was crawling through my fingertips and soles as if it becomes pins that continuously prick me over and over again.

Bahagya kong inangat ang tingin ko upang pigilan ang nagbabantang mga luha sa aking mata. 

Ano ka ba naman, Cassee... hindi ka pwedeng umiyak dito. 

I looked down when the  flash coming from the camera hit my eyes one after another. Nakita ko ang pagkawala ng mga camera sa harapan ng TVOT members at unti unti silang naglipatan sa aking harapan. 

They are like hungry tigers and they are very aggressive to get me a statement.

When they bombarded me with questions, I bit my lower lip because I didn't know how to respond even though I knew the answers. Natatakot kasi ako na baka magkamali ako at mapahiya sa karamihan...

"Totoo bang ikaw ang pumatay kay Polca para maagaw ang posisyon niya bilang mid-laner?"

The moment the first question reached my ears, a rush of anxiety engulfed me, creating a tightness in my chest and a lump in my throat. Dread consumed me, casting a dark shadow over my thoughts and filling me with a sense of impending doom. 

Simmering fury coursed through my body, making my hands tremble and my jaw clench, while a profound loathing settled in my bones, making it hard to even sit still.

If I can hold on for now... I can probably hold on a little while longer.

I know there are secrets that are always bound to come out, and I want to tell them when I'm ready, and I'm not rushing myself to do that. Gusto ko 'yung kapag nalaman nila, maiintindihan nila ako... I hate demanding attention and attention itself kaya I've always tried my best to fit in without anyone having to treat me like I'm a different specie.

I'm still human after all... just a little different.

I smiled. "I can't erase from your mind what you are made to believe. Pero hindi... mali ang iniisip niyo. Kaibigan ko si Polca at kahit kailan, hindi ko siya naisipan saktan. Paano pa kaya ang patayin siya?"

Bahagya akong yumuko. "Sobrang nalulungkot ako sa pagkamatay niya. He doesn't deserve that. Kung bibigyan nga ako ng kahilingan, hihilingin ko na sana nandoon ako sa mga oras na 'yon para hindi mangyari ang krimen,"

"And to the person who killed my friend, I hope you have nightmares every night you sleep."

Narinig ko ang bahagyang pag-tawa ni Xion kaya naman pinanliitan ko ito ng mata. It's like he's making a joke of my whole being. Para bang hindi siya makapaniwala sa sinasabi ko at kung tawanan ako ay wagas.

Nang mapansin niyang nakatingin ako sa kaniya, mabilis na naglaho ang sarkastikong kurba sa kaniyang labi.

Tangina nito, bida bida!

I rolled my eyes as I looked away from him. Nakatutok lamang ang atensyon ko sa mga sari-saring tanong na ipinapaulan nila sa'kin. Thankfully, I was able to answer everything without stuttering even though it was full of lies.

May mga segundo na nagkakasalubong ang mga mata namin ng ibang myembro ng TVOT. At kabadong ngiti lamang ang ginagawad nila sa'kin bago mag-iwas ng tingin. But Xion is different from them. Sobrang lagkit ng tingin niya sa'kin at kulang na lamang ay sabihan ako na naasura siya sa aking presensya. 

I know he hate me, and I hate him too.

"We have the same feeling naman for each other," I gulped. "Kung galit siya sa'kin, mas galit ako sa kaniya."

It's already 7 in the evening when I got home from the cemetery. Pinilit kong makauwi muna dahil kailangan kong magpaalam kay Cyren at manghiram ng mga damit kay Ian bago dumiretso sa gaming camp ng TVOT. 

"Alam mo ba, muntik niya pa ako suntukin!" Pagsusumbong ko kay Ian na naghahanap ng mga damit na maliit na sa kaniya. I don't have money to buy new men's clothes. Wala akong pera, pero makapal ang mukha ko humiram ng damit. Isasauli ko rin naman. 

"Weh? Kaloka! Anong nangyari? Nasuntok ka ba?" 

I rolled my eyes. "Hindi! Kaya nga muntikan 'di ba! putangina niya, ang pangit ng ugali niya!"

"Nako, 'wag ka pumayag na ganoon ganunin ka lang—"

"Huh? Sino bang nagsabing pumayag ako?!" Napatayo ako sa galit. "Pag-punta ko pa lang doon, hihingiin ko sa driver ang CCTV footage ng sasakyan. Tapos ipo-post ko sa social media ang kawalanghiyaan ni Xion!"

Ian laughed. "Kalma, dapat kilos lalaki pa rin."

I sat down again and looked away, exhaling the heavy air inside my chest. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako kakalma habang naghihintay kay Ian na mangolekta ng mga maliliit niyang damit. He soon finished looking for clothes and filled my black suitcase.

Bago umalis ay pinagpalit niya ako ng damit. It's a white t-shirt and black pants. HIndi ko nga alam kung paano ko natiis ang sakit habang pilit kong iniipit ang aking dibdib gamit ang mahabang tela upang mawala ang tumbok nito. 

Hindi ko nagawang makapag-paalam kay Cyren dahil mahimbing siyang natutulog. I don't want to wake her up just to say goodbye. Nasabi ko na rin naman sa kaniya ang tungkol sa bagay na ito kaya paniguradong may ideya na siya na aalis ako. 

I was quiet the whole way to the TVOT camp. At nang makarating, hindi ko maiwasang mamangha. Their gaming camp is also big. Sobrang moderno ng disenyo nito at maraming ilaw sa labas. They even have a garden with a small fountain and next to it there is a hammock.

I wish I could spend the entire night here in their garden, eating my favorite foods and listening to music. 

Ang ganda rin ng tanawin sa subdivision na ito. Halatang high-class. By the way, the AGAPE gaming camp is in this subdivision. Hindi na ako magtataka kung makikita ko ang ibang myembro ng AGAPE sa kaparehong lugar kung nasaan ako. 

I was about to go inside but I saw the bus driver. Saktong hawka niya pa ang susi ng transportasyon habang tinatahak ang daan patungo sa sasakyan ng TVOT. 

I smirked. 

Lagot ka sa'kin, Xion. I made an effort for you so you should be grateful

"Manong," Tawag ko sa matandang lalaki. "Pwede po bang patingin ng footage ngayong araw? Nakalimutan ko kasi kung saan ko nailagay yung kapares ng earbuds ko. You know, I love listening to music."

Ang weird naman ng sinabi ko!

Manong smiled at me. Tumango siya at hinayaan akong pumasok sa loob habang inilalagay sa device ang footage. I quickly took out my cellphone and took a video. Kitang kita kung paano ako inambahan ng kamao ni Xion.

"Salamat po... nakita ko na." I smiled and got out of the bus. 

It will be a big issue and may ruin the name he keeps.

It was dark so I went inside first. Akala ko pa nung una ay maliligaw ako dahil sa laki ng lugar, mabuti na lamang ay mayroong babae na humarang sa'kin at tinuro ang pinto papasok sa lugar.

I was quickly greeted by a large chandelier on the ceiling. Makikita mo rin kaagad ang malaking shoe holder sa tabi ng malaking pinto. There are many things to use, but the gaming area of ​​TVOT caught my attention the most with a large white table and on top of that are the PCs. Iba iba rin ang kulay ng gaming chair nila. 

Woah, ang sarap din pala ng buhay nila. They'll just sit here while playing and they're making money. Hindi katulad ng iba, doble kayod na ngunit kulang pa rin ang kita sa pang-araw araw. 

I rolled my eyes and took out my cellphone.

Kaagad kong binuksan ang twitter ko nang tuluyang ma-cut ang video. I type "This is the CCTV footage where you can see Xion is about to punch me" in the caption field before pressing the "post" button. 

I even added tags to make sure my post will spread worldwide faster.

"Cid?" 

Aligaga akong napatingin sa aking likuran ng may tumawag sa kinikilalang pangalan ko. It's Ace. Ganoon pa rin ang suot niya simula kanina. I was about to speak when my eyes gradually caught the other TVOT members.

"Kanina ka pa rito?"

Ilang segundo akong palinga-linga sa likuran ng ibang myembro upang hanapin si Xion. At huminga nang maluwag nang makitang wala siya. I'm sure hindi pa niya nakikita ang tweet ko at kapag nakita niya, siguradong may giyera na mangyayari lalo na't naka-post ito sa account ko.

I mean.. who is he to be the reason for me to create a dump account?

He doesn't deserve that kind of effort. 

I shook my head and smiled at Ace. "H-Hindi, kararating ko lang din." 

"Ah... Ace nga pala," Inilahad ng lalaki ang kamay niya sa pagitan namin. and before I got to it, it took me several seconds for my brain to process it. Ngumiti siya nang makipag-kamay ako. "Si Ben at si Mountain,"

Nice, mabait siya. He even introduced me to another member. 

"Mt. na lang," ani Mountain at ngumiti.

"Ahh... I'm Cid." Pakilala ko sa sarili.

We even introduced ourselves to each other before Jes, TVOT's friend, took me to my room. Itinuro niya sa'kin ang sariling restroom ng kwarto ko at ang mini kitchen. Malaki ito, sakto na para sa isang pamilya.

Itinuro niya rin sa'kin ang daan patungo sa terrace at iba pang pasilyo ng bahay. We did a little tour. At masasabi kong mababait naman ang mga tao na nandito... o sadyang nakikisama lang sila dahil kailangan? 

Si Jes lang yata ang hindi ilang na nakipag-usap sa akin.

Nang matapos ay dumiretso ako sa kwarto ko at inilagay ang mga damit ko sa cabinet.After cleaning my body, I went to the mini-fridge to get a cold coffee can and brought it out to the terrace.

Ang village na ito ay sobrang tahimik. Very calming and soothing at the same time.

May kalawakan din ang terrace na 'to. May swing, may lamesa at upuan... at sa gitna nito ay may black na umbrella. It was so good. Pakiramdam ko ay nasa ibang bansa ako dahil sa sobrang moderno ng pagkakadisenyo.

I put an earbud on my right ear. Sira kasi yung kaliwang bahagi. Mura ko lang naman kasi nabili 'to. The important thing is that I enjoy the music.

Ipinatong ko ang braso sa railings at ang lata na iniinom habang naghahanap ng magandang kanta sa spotify. I played YK by Cean Jr.

I relaxed my body on the railings of the terrace while sipping my drink.

"Silly you,"

Mariin akong napahawak sa bote na iniinom nang marinig ang boses ni Xion na nag-mula sa aking likuran. I removed the bottle from my lips and wiped my lips before facing Xion.

Wala naman ibang tao rito bukod sa akin. Kaya imposibleng hindi ako ang kausap niya. Ayaw ko rin naman mag-assume. Baka kasi may katawagan siya sa telepono. At hindi ako ang sinasabihan niyang hangal. 

Our eyes met quickly. At wala akong ibang naramdaman kundi ang galit nang makita ang nanlilisik niyang tingin na ibinibigay sa akin.

Ano na naman bang ginawa ko?

Hinagis niya ang USB sa'kin kaya mabilis kong binitawan ang lata na hawak upang saluhin ito. 

"Clarify everything,"

Never thought about a day that I'll be needin' more of this feelin'

I can't hide it to you anymore

The way you look, the way you move, you heatin' up the floor

Babe, you got that somethin' special knockin' on my door

Umarko ang kilay ko. 

Mukhang alam ko na kung ano ang tinutukoy niya. 

"Why would I?"

His jaw clenched. "Kasi account mo 'yon. Hindi naman pwedeng ako ang mag-delete, 'di ba?"

Baby, you know (baby, you know)

Know I can't control (know I can't control)

Can't handle this feelin', babe

"Bakit ko naman ide-delete? Isn't that true?" Napalunok ako. "Totoo naman 'yon, hindi ba? You punched me, bro."

Isinalampak niya ang kamay sa bulsa ng kaniyang hoodie at sarkastikong tumawa. "Maybe a ghost hit you."

Stop teasin' me

No, I ain't playin' games (ain't no playin' games)

See, I just wanna let you know that I don't wanna see you go

Go ahead and leave me hangin', wishin', yearnin' for some more

"Delete it. Ikaw din ang mapapahiya once na ako pa mismo ang mag-clarify," He clicked his tongue in annoyance. 

Fuck this! Puta!

"Choice mo 'yan." He said turning his back on me while his hands were in the pockets of his hoodie.

Mariin akong napapikit. I can't believe him! He drives me absolutely insane with little to no effort. He's stupid and mean, he's absolutely pathetic, I don't understand what his deal is.

I took my cellphone and quickly opened twitter. 

"Oo na, ide-delete ko na!" I said raising my white flag in annoyance.

Nakita ko ang pag-pihit niya paharap sa'kin at pinanood ang pagkalikot ng kamay ko sa aking cellphone. I explained that the video was not real and that it was cut. Gumawa pa ako ng dahilan na ayon lamang ang paraan ng asaran namin ni Xion para malinis din ang pangalan ko. 

When the tweet was posted, I presented my cellphone screen to Xion. "Okay na ba?!"

"Hindi."

I make a face. "Huh? What the fuck, bro—"

"Hindi ka ba marunong mag-sorry?"

Know I can't control (know I can't control)

Can't handle this feelin', babe

Stop teasin' me

No, I ain't playin' games (ain't no playin' games)

Oh, he wants me to apologize?... I can't do that!

Hello no!

"Okay... sorr—" Kusa kong pinutol ang sinasabi nang tumalikod siya at naglakad palayo.

What the fuck! I really hate him!

"Gusto ko lang ng peace of mind," Aniya at tumigil sa paglalakad, nananatiling nakatalikod saakin. Tumingala siya at humugot ng malalim na hininga. "Let's make a deal."

I sarcastically laughed. Gagawa pa ng deal amputa. Ang corny.

"Stay away from me," He almost begged me to stay away from him . "And suit yourself."

I was so close to punching him in the face. I knew I did something wrong to him tonight but... I really wanted to punch him in his fucking face! He was so annoying!

"Paano kapag ayaw ko?" Pagmamatigas ko sa lalaki. 

Marahan siyang pumihit paharap sa akin kasabay nang pag-guhit ng mapanlarong ngisi sa kaniyang labi. 

"It's up to you." 

For the first time in my life, I experienced what it was like to have someone look down on me with disgust. 

^______________^