Leaving school, Suki is talking about her latest crochet work and I'm reminded of my conversation with Zach on top of the mountain/hill watching the world which brings a sad smile to my lips.

We'll never experience a freedom like that again.

My parents won't let me go back to the woods, and I can't spend time with him at school. I saw him at break today. He winked and I forced a smile, but all I could think about was the offer Louisa made me this morning. Watching the Techie's interactions, I realised I wouldn't be comfortable acting like them. I'd never be comfortable with all the groping, rubbing and touching and that's just between friends.

Doing it with Zach however...

I shake my head and ignore the hot sensation unfurling inside me, radiating outwards.

'Kit.'

I stop, so do the others and we all turn our heads at the unfamiliar interruption on our journey home from school. I almost laugh at the synchronicity. It's a bit creepy when we all move as one. We're so physically separated we've somehow mastered an advanced form of mental connectivity allowing us to respond in unison.

Zach approaches casually, his face set in his usual expression of permanent amusement. He really knows how to pull off a smirk.

'Zach?' I stammer and everyone directs their gaze towards me.

'I'd like to walk with you to your settlement, if that's cool?' Zach's hands are in his pocket, a playful glint in his eye. He's loving the awkwardness. I'm sure of it.

'Cool,' I repeat, struggling to form an actual sentence. It sounds like I'm asking a question rather than agreeing. I add, 'Yes... cool... that would be cool.'

Zach stifles a chuckle. Suki looks stunned as she murmurs something in Seb's direction. The two of them turn and continue their journey home. Axel glares between me and Zach before stomping off in pursuit of Suki and Seb. Brielle looks confused until Axel bellows her name and she scuttles after him.

Poor Brielle.

I don't move. I'm not sure whether I'm angry or happy at him making our friendship public. This is not a friendship. Not a Naturalist friendship anyway, not after what happened yesterday. Then again, maybe that is normal for Techies. The thought makes me uncomfortable.

'Your friends are incredibly welcoming,' Zach mocks, stepping towards me.

I smile in spite of myself. 'What are you doing, Zach?'

'I thought, if you're not going to be allowed out to the woods anymore then we should find another way to spend some time together, so here I am.' Zach opens his arms wide. 'All yours.'

Are you all mine?

I nod. Walking home is innocent enough. I'm not breaking any official rules. Except, the things we've done without witnesses go against the most fundamental rules of my settlement.

'You're looking as gorgeous as ever. However, I think I preferred your outfit on Monday.' Zach beams.

'Let's hope you have a good memory because you won't be seeing me like that again.' My cheeks heat and a shiver runs through my body as I remember his fingers against my skin. I clench my hands around the wooden crutches in an attempt to get a grip of reality.

It doesn't work.

'Don't worry, I won't be forgetting anytime soon,' Zach says softly.

Our eyes connect and an ache starts to build deep inside me. It's unlike anything I've ever felt. I'm overwhelmed with the urge to do things I am not allowed to do. Not unless I want to be exiled.

Maybe exile isn't so bad? Of course it is.

'Your friends are watching,' Zach murmurs with a serious expression as though he knows my intentions.

'I know.' I sigh, trying to halt the throbbing inside me.

Think of Seb. Think of Axel. That was easy enough.

We start to walk along the dirt path towards my settlement. Or rather Zach walks, I hobble hop. I focus on my friends and their continuous furtive glances sent our way. People are not going to be accepting of me and Zach spending time together.

'What are we doing?' I ask quietly

Zach focuses in the distance, contemplating the question. He doesn't answer at first and I start to think he won't. Finally, his eyes meet mine and he shrugs. 'Being teenagers.'

'I'm pretty sure you're interpretation of being a teenager and my interpretation are completely different.'

'Probably, but I'm sure we can work out a way to merge our interpretations together so we're both satisfied.' Zach winks.

'You're doing that thing again.'

'What?' Zach asks innocently.

'Making everything sound so-'

'Sexy?' Zach interrupts.

'No.'

'You don't have to lie to me, Kit. Tell me the truth, you think I'm handsome and sexy don't you?'

I shake my head in mock exasperation, and my hand moves towards him about to push him away but I catch myself and clench the crutch in my hand even tighter.

'That's not very Naturalist of you. Remember, no touching no matter how much you want to. Not in public anyway.' He teases whilst displaying one of his gorgeous smirks.

I groan, partly at him but also at the truth. This is going to be much harder than I anticipated. Now, I've crossed the line and broken the boundaries I want to do it again. It was the same with my trips to the woods. Every visit made me want to explore further and deeper into the unknown. Now, I want to delve into Zach, to discover him without the barriers which once separated us.

This won't end well.

***

The tension in the air is so thick I could cut it with the blunt knife lying unused on the dinner table. As usual, no knife is needed for the mush we're eating. The conversation is stilted, and my parents who are usually talkative and expressive have resorted to asking me a few curt, short questions about my day to fill the silence.

'I think we need to go home and talk,' Dab says quietly as soon as we've all finished.

The food from my meal starts to curdle in my stomach as I shuffle behind my parents on my crutches. I'm desperately trying to figure what I'm going to be faced with. Do they know about Zach? About going over the wall? Or maybe, they've found out about the offer to become a Techie? I don't know how they'd know the last option. I haven't had a chance to discuss it with Mattan, I didn't even mention it to Zach on our walk to my settlement. I almost did, but I felt awkward like I would be asking his permission or worst be expecting him to make a commitment.

Avoiding my Dads eyes, I soak in my surroundings trying to imagine leaving this settlement and never seeing my family again. I can't. Other families who have finished eating head straight to their cabins, very little talking occurs to members outside your immediate family. Everyone rushes off, desperate to enter their homes, to a place of ease and familiarity.

It must be so lonely to have no one to return home with and fear fills my lungs when I consider my future, especially the future I turned down. Did I make a mistake rejecting the offer today? My determination to be a loyal daughter and sister seems to be rapidly waning.

Mattan appears next to me, 'So Kit, you've made friends with a Techie? What are the chances?!' His voice is light with a humorous tone but my stomach sinks and I inwardly groan.

'Mattan!' I hiss, shaking my head.

He shrugs and the look on my parent's faces confirms they already knew. Actually, I'm pretty sure everyone knows. The disapproving and furtive glances along with the hushed conversations were all indicators of gossip. New information spreads fast and unfortunately it's about me this time.

'Mattan, don't you need to be at home with Mara?' Dab asks. He looks tired, lines web his face and his cheeks look hollow and sunken. He seems to have aged dramatically since Mattan left.

'No.' Mattan smiles.

We reach our cabin and my parents ascend the porch.

'Mattan, we need to speak to Kit alone.' Daa says gently, a subtle hint they don't want him here.

'Why can't Mattan stay? He's still part of the family even if he doesn't live with us.' My words are deliberate, I'm trying to guilt them into letting him stay. I know they won't want Mattan to feel rejected and anything they say now unless it's an agreement will sound like rejection.

My parents look at each other warily then both nod. Daa perches himself on the edge of a chair and Dab rests his hands on his shoulder.

I love them so much.

An overwhelming sense of pride at their solidarity and the united front they always maintain bubbles up. They deserve better than me and Mattan. They deserve children who listen and conform, who don't touch. They deserve children like Suki and Seb.

'So it's true, what everyone is saying?' Daa asks.

'I don't know what people are saying. I did walk home with a boy from the Techie settlement today. Zach is a friend.'

A friend who touches me in ways I've never experienced before. A friend who makes me want to do things I've never thought about before.

'You've got plenty of friends here.' Dab sighs. 'Is he the friend you've been going to the woods with?'

'Yes,' I say reluctantly.

'This is my fault. I was always too liberal, but you and Mattan got on so well so I left you to your own devices. I allowed you too much freedom and now look. I just wanted you both to be happy and instead, I've produced two delinquents!' Daa's outburst takes us all by surprise. He lowers his face into his hands and a lump forms in my throat.

I never wanted to make him feel like this.

'You were fantastic parents. You still are. The best we could have had,' I insist.

'No one's to blame for anything, Daa. She's got a friend who's a Techie, so what? She won't get caught doing anything she shouldn't,' Mattan says calmly.

I cringe at his choice of words. You're seriously not helping, Mattan.

'Unlike you? You were lucky, Mattan. Kit could be exiled,' Dab says menacingly.

Mattan shrinks back at the bitterness of his tone. An undercurrent of resentment and unspoken words pulsate through the air. I feel bad for Mattan. This is my problem, my fight and he's being dragged into it because he wants to help and support me, because I was too much of a coward to do this alone.

'Kit, the boy will never be allowed to settle here and you will not be allowed to transfer there if you are found to have broken Naturalist rules. Whatever you're thinking won't work. You're just going to get hurt,' Dab says matter of factly.

I remain silent, not wanting to tell them about the offer and at the same time wanting to scream, I do have the chance. I could transfer, but I won't for you.

'Think about your future. Your prospects. You're intelligent and kind, Kit. Once the younger ones get older you'll have a chance to settle and start your own family. You don't want to be forced into wondering the outside alone. You'll never survive,' Daa says quietly. 'I always thought you and Axel would settle. He's such a nice boy, and he seemed head over heels for you.

His name quashes any guilt and sorrow I feel for them with anger. I bite my tongue to hold back the tide of words threatening to flow out. I breathe deeply, hoping fresh air will soften the hardball of bitterness which has slowly been building since Axel accosted me in the woods.

'Me and Zach walked home together, is that against the rules?' I ask stiffly.

They hesitate, not wanting to respond. They know it's not against the rules. I don't mention our time in the woods, the way I enjoyed his skin against mine, the fact I want it to happen again.

'Be careful, Kit.' Daa stands.

'I'll be careful.'

Dab kisses me gently on the top of my head. Daa wraps his arms around me, squeezes tightly then releases me. They enter the cabin, leaving me on the porch steps with Mattan. I have the strange sensation they're preparing for the worst. They didn't even ask if I've broken the rules. They didn't ask if we've touched, and the use of Mattan's choice of words all indicates they already know I've done something I shouldn't have.

They know.

How often does this happen? People ignoring the truth and tiptoeing around topics, never asking questions in case they won't like the answers. How many people feign ignorance to make life easier? My guess: too many.

'Mattan, if you were offered a chance to move to the Techie settlement would you go?' I ask quietly.

'Are we speaking hypothetically here?' Mattan leans forward.

'I got offered a position on a research program today.' I slump down onto the porch stairs.

'Oh! I didn't realise things were so serious with your Techie boyfriend.' Mattan sits next to me, his face creased into a serious expression. His brow furrows and I'm reminded of Zach, of running my fingers along his smooth skin.

'He's not my boyfriend and anyway, I don't think the offer had anything to do with Zach.' I take a deep breath. 'I said no.'

'Why?'

'Because I can't leave my family. You're going to have a baby and I can't bear the thought of not being able to see you again.' I move slightly closer to Mattan, wishing we could be as close as we used to, wishing I could rest my forehead on his shoulder.

'It will give you the freedom you've always craved,' Mattan says matter of factly. 'Don't pretend this isn't exactly what you've been dreaming of; a chance to get away from all this.' Mattan waves his hand around at our surroundings.

'It's hardly freedom. I'd be swapping one confinement for another.' Because that is what it would be. Giving up one set of restrictive rules for another, and living with strangers. Even if I made friends, it wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't have Mattan or my parents. 'I wouldn't know anyone.'

'You'd have the Techie.' Mattan shrugs.

'Would you have chosen to go?' I need some guidance or rather confirmation I've made the right decision.

'It doesn't matter what I would do.' Mattan says quietly. 'You need to make a decision you'll be able to live with. Once you do, stick to it and move forward. Don't spend the rest of your life wondering how life would have turned out if you'd chosen a different path.'

'When did you get so wise?' I smile. I can imagine him as a dad: caring and protective.

'I've always been full of brilliant advice, you just normally chose to ignore it.' Mattan brushes his lips against my forehead. It's so soft and quick it's over before I've registered its happened. Mattan stands and backs away, flashing me a large grin. 'Don't do anything I would do.'

I roll my eyes and chuckle to myself. Mattan has just reminded me of the very reason I can't go. I'm not ready to leave him behind, not right now.

Drained from the day's events, I can't wait to crawl into bed, listen to my playlist and imagine Zach next to me. I'm going to forget Louisa's offer because Mattan's right. I've made my decision, now I need to accept it and move forward.