Large ominous clouds hang in the sky and the thick stagnant air adds to the already stifling heat. We're due a storm. Then again, we've been due one for a while but no rain has arrived.

I wipe away the sweat gathering on my forehead however I can't do anything about the droplets slowly trickling in-between my shoulder blades and down my back. Squatting, I tug hard on a weed jutting out from the soil. This job never ends. You've got to admire weeds, they have managed to thrive when most other living things ceased to exist.

Admiration or not, pulling out weeds is my least favourite chore. It gives me way too much thinking time, allowing my mind to imagine scenarios which can't happen until I stop and reality hits me. This is when the depression about my dreary monotonous future weighs down on me most.

'What are you humming?' Suki asks from her crouched position several steps away from me.

'Huh?' I frown, wiping my brow for the millionth time.

'You keep humming the same tune under your breath. You've been doing it all week.' Suki looks at me. The resting bitch face is in full force. 'What is it?'

A song which has my insides in a mess.

For a split second, I think about telling her the truth, but what would be the point? It's over. I'm forgetting Zach and his addictive music. My withdrawal has started. First step of my detoxification is to not speak about Zach or music. The second step is to refer to Zach as him and music as it. Third step is to not think about Zach and music every second of every day. The fourth step is to forget about Zach and music completely. Easy! And once I complete these steps I'll be clean and free of this addiction.

I haven't got past the first step yet.

Suki stares at me waiting for me to answer her question.

'Must be one of The Band's songs.' I force my lips into a tight smile and swiftly return to the job of weeding. This one looks interesting.

'We've only got three songs, none of which sound remotely similar to what you're humming,' Suki persists.

Seriously?

'I probably heard one of my parents singing it.' Avoiding eye contact, I focus all my attention on the large weed. Digging and pulling I go deeper and further into the ground. Its roots are never-ending. They don't ever give up, like Suki.

'Are you ok? You've not been yourself since your birthday,' Suki says.

'Since my birthday...' I've spent time with a boy in the woods who causes all sorts of confusing feelings, and even though I know nothing good will come out of meeting him, I can't stop myself from wanting to continue to see him. I shake my head.

It's all hormones. Don't succumb to the hormones.

Our time in the woods is over. There's no need to tell Suki. However, I know she won't let this go. She'll continue to ask until I give her something. 'I've been thinking about my biological parents. I just want to know why they left me? Why didn't they try to get into the Naturalist settlement and stay with me?'

Suki's face softens. 'The only thing my grandmother will ever say about those times is it brought out the best and worst in people. I'm sure your parents did it for your own safety.'

I smile gratefully. 'You're right. You must miss your parents too.'

'Missing them isn't the right word. I don't remember them enough to miss them. It's more a longing for something which I could have had. An emptiness that is impossible to fill.' Suki's face is sullen and she shrugs before ripping a weed forcefully out of the ground.

I shouldn't have brought it up. I'm not the only person who lost their biological parents.

'Kit,' A voice calls out.

'Yes?' I look up. Amina, one of the council leaders, approaches me. Her thinning hair is a blend of grey and white, sticking out in short wisps.

'I need you to come with me now,' Amina orders.

They've found out about my meet-ups with Zach. Did they see me listen to music? Or worst? Did they see me share his headphones? Shit! Shit! Shit!

I nod, unable to talk as panic and fear clutch at my chest. Suki looks at me curiously and I shrug my shoulders, trying to look perplexed but the gesture is forced. I'm a terrible liar as well as an idiot.

Following Amina in silence, we weave along the edges of the field, passing cabins until we reach a small hut tucked away on the edge of the settlement. My heart pounds loudly in my ears. My mouth is dry and I struggle to swallow the ball of tears forming in my throat.

The one-room cabin is devoid of any furniture or decorations. My parents and brother stand in the middle, none of them are willing to make eye contact with me. This is it. I'm about to be exiled. I'm going to have to say goodbye to my family.

My legs feel heavy as I slowly step towards them and strategically place myself next to Mattan. Hopefully, he'll believe and support me when I say nothing happened with Zach. Nothing did. Not really.

Amina positions herself at the far end of the room, safely distanced away from us. I hold my breath waiting for the accusations.

'I will get to the point quickly. Mara is pregnant and Mattan is the father,' Amina says.

What? I exhale a ragged breath.

Amina's eyes flitter between the four of us gauging our reactions, looking for signs to indicate if we knew. Mattan's face creases into a frown, his eyes remain directed at the floor, refusing to look at any of us.

'We thought, due to the circumstances, the usual course of action would be unwise. An unborn child should not be punished for its parents' actions, so we are offering an alternative. Mattan, you may stay within the settlement but you will move in with Mara immediately. We will officially state, the proper route had been taken but Mattan and Mara had requested the arrangements be kept a secret as they did not want to cause upset among their peers.' Amina pauses momentarily, allowing the information to sink in. 'Mara has already accepted the offer. Mattan, if you agree, you will move into a prepared cabin with her tonight. If you do not agree, you will be quarantined immediately and the arrangements will be made for your removal from this settlement.'

A strangled cry escapes my lips. My fathers look crushed. We're losing him, no matter what he chooses, this will be the last time we can be a real family. I wrap my arms around Mattan's neck. Pulling him close, I bury my face in his chest and wonder how I'll ever let go.

Mattan grips me tightly and mumbles, 'I'm sorry.'

My parents grab us both, a compacted family hug, the last we'll have.

'You will make a go of this for the baby,' Dab says gruffly.

'Of course,' Mattan responds quietly.

'You'll be a great father,' Daa says, his voice thick with emotion.

Mattan's going to be a father. He's had sex. When and how? Well, I know how. What I mean is, how did he get the opportunity?

My parents pat Mattan on the shoulder and release us from their arms. I remain attached to Mattan. I can't let go.

'Can I have a moment with Kit?' Mattan asks.

My parents nod, taking turns to ruffle his hair and pat him on the back. Dab places an arm around Daa, who's shoulders are heaving with silent sobs. They leave the cabin, their eyes downcast and I realise this is the beginning of the end to our family unit.

'Mattan, once you've talked to Kit she will leave and you must remain in here. From then onwards, your usual family interactions with your parents and Kit must cease. Understood?' Amina says gently.

Me and Mattan both nod, fully understanding the implications of her statement. Amina leaves through the open door and I inhale deeply, gathering my thoughts.

Ok. They're gathered.

'You are an idiot!' I shout, pushing Mattan hard in the chest. Mattan stumbles backwards but isn't shocked by my outburst. He turns to look out the little window overlooking the settlement. I step beside him and he wraps an arm around my neck, pulling me into his side.

'You're going to be a dad.' My voice sounds sombre. This should be a happy occasion but there is no joy. Not for me anyway.

'Congratulations, you're going to be an aunty,' He replies sarcastically.

I huff. The word means nothing, not here anyway. Once you start your own family, the one you grew up with becomes as meaningless and unavailable as the rest of our community. That's the difficulty I found reading books and comparing the relationships of the past with ours. The stories place so much emphasis on family members who are bound together and connected by sharing moments of both joy and sadness from birth to death. As a Naturalist, I don't experience those moments. I will never hold his child, I won't be truly involved in its upbringing which causes an unexplainable and unexpected sense of mourning.

'If we could, I would have settled with you,' Mattan says softly.

'Ewww....' I make a horrified noise whilst my face twists in disgust.

He chuckles. 'Don't worry, I don't see you in that way. It's more we get on. I could live with you long term and be happy.'

'And you can't with Mara?'

'Mara's nice.'

His comment only deepens my sadness. Is this all I have to look forward to? The hope I'll be able to tolerate someone enough that I'll want to settle down with them. 'Don't you love her?'

Mattan doesn't respond, he only squeezes me tighter.

'I think she loves you,' I say.

'Possibly,' Mattan sighs.

I always thought it was slightly embarrassing how keen Mara was on my brother. Except now, I understand what it's like to look forward to spending time with someone. I also know she must love Mattan because she willingly sacrificed everything by allowing him to touch her. But why did Mattan do it, if he's not in love?

'Why did you risk everything?' I ask.

'I don't know.' His arm drops from my neck as he turns away from the window to look at me. There are dark shadows under his eyes, permanent lines forming in his brow. The secrets have been slowly ageing him but I've been too wrapped up in myself to notice.

'Who have you been going to the woods with? I know it's not anyone from the settlement, but you promised you weren't going alone and you never lie. Not to me, anyway.' He waits expectantly.

I press my lips together tightly but he's my brother. The same brother who was my sole companion for the first few years of my life, who I played endless games with, who made me laugh countless times and knows me better than anyone. I trust Mattan more than I trust myself.

'A boy called Zach. He's a Techie,' I whisper.

Mattan pauses in shock then a deep uncontrollable sound erupts from his throat. He's laughing. Except, it's a kind of crazy laugh. I really hope this isn't him having some sort of breakdown.

I cross my arms, waiting for him to stop laughing. Which he does. Eventually.

Mattan wipes at his eyes and steadies his breath. 'What are we like? I hope you're being safe.'

'Unlike you, I've been able to keep it to myself. Everything to myself,' I say harshly. Now, I'm being mean. I add, 'Sorry, I didn't mean that.'

'Yes, you did.' Mattan tugs a strand of my hair playfully. 'What's he like? He must be pretty special to get your attention.'

'He's an idiot,' I say instantly. Then I remember everything he's done and my irritation overflows. 'No, he's more than an idiot. He's an arrogant, big-headed, crude jerk.'

'He's made an impression then?' Mattan says, amused at my outburst.

'More bad than good.' I sigh. I don't want to talk about Zach now. I want to focus on Mattan, on memorising every detail.

'I'm going to miss you.' My voice cracks as the tears start to flow freely.

'I'm going to miss you too. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the pregnancy earlier.' Mattan pulls me into a hug and I bury my face into his chest as a fresh pull of loss tugs at my heart.

This is the worst day of my life.

'Promise me you'll make it work with Mara,' My voice is muffled against his top.

'I will, as long as you promise me you'll do what makes you happy,' Mattan says carefully.

What?

Mattan gently eases me back and holds me at arm's length while his eyes search my face. 'Promise you'll do what makes you happy. Even if it's not the easiest option.'

I nod but I don't understand what he means. What options do I have?

'You'd better go.' He kisses me on the forehead.

'Love you,' I croak.

'Love you too.' Mattan releases me from his hold.

I run out of the cabin, not stopping until I'm home and in Mattan's bedroom. Surrounded by all I have left of him, I collapse on his bed and cry until my parents wrap their arms around me. Huddled together, we cling onto what's left of our family.

It's just the three of us now.

Author's notes:

I rushed this a bit...Please let me know if there are any mistakes.

Hope you're still enjoying it xx

Big shout out and sending my love too: ZaiAadh rafaela_bara sparkleandmagic HRKhani

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