Song: Castaway by Brett Eldredge. Represents his feelings for Sophie as he had to betray her on the beach in Neverseen and how he misses her in the time from then to the beginning of Lodestar. Sidenote: I love this song! 

WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS FROM NEVERSEEN AND LODESTAR.

Betraying Sophie was one of the hardest things I'd ever done. Even though I wasn't going to actually betray her, just pretend, for a little while. I . . .

When I'd given her that necklace, and added the temporary leaping crystal, I always suspected that she would follow me. I tried to deny it. I tried to convince myself I wasn't worth it; I wasn't worth saving. I tried to tell myself Sophie would move on, forget me, pretend I'd never hurt her and she would be with Fitz. But even then, I knew it wasn't true, and she knows that too, even if she doesn't want to admit it. Foster cares for me, and I had always cared for her.

After I helped Sophie make the lighpath with her necklace and she had leaped away, I suffered consequences. Though they didn't know the whole story of how she had gotten away, they already blamed me. I was given poor living conditions for the longest time.

The Neverseen train me tougher than what I tell Sophie. Hours and hours of long work, ability training, and so many things to remember that it all makes my head hurt hard. But, no matter how much of a headache I have, I always try to talk to Sophie. Sometimes, those "check-ins" are what gets me through the day. When I was in the Neverseen, those talks were the only thing I looked forward to, besides getting to see Sophie again. Those talks and meetings were signs of hope in the wasteland that was working in the Neverseen.

When they gave me the orders to go and blow up Foxfire, I was kind of excited, which terrified me. But the excitement wasn't the fact that I had to destroy Foxfire; it was because I was getting to meet Sophie again. It was apart of their plan, of course. The downside to the mission was that I would get to see Sophie, but she would get injured when Magnate Leto's office blew up. I made sure to grab my heavy black cloak before going to Foxfire rather than the lighter one I could've wore. The thick fabric would protect Sophie from the glass shards. It wasn't the best plan, I know, but it was something.

And when I seen her that day . . .

She had dark circles under her eyes, from stress, lack of sleep, and crying. Though she's only fourteen, one look at her eyes could make you think she was as old as Bronte. When I had spun around in that chair, I was smiling because I didn't think she's be this bad. I didn't think she cared about me that much.

I guess I was completely wrong. 

I figure I didn't look the best, either. If anything, I probably looked like her. I could rarely fall asleep in the Neverseen's hideout. Not just because it was in bad conditions, but because my head swirled with thoughts and feelings.

Anger towards my mother.

Scared of the Neverseen.

Guilty about betraying everyone.

And . . . feelings I can't describe for Sophie.

The bad part about my lack of sleep was that I had to get up early every morning. Most times, I would have to hang out with Fintan for hours, stirring up even more emotions and thoughts.

If you could save one, who would it be?

Every large crowd, every city, he would ask that same question. And, like I told Sophie, most of the ones I chose were children. I knew humans couldn't live long, so I always chose the younger, happier kids. They would appreciate living more than others might. They had bright futures, something I didn't. I guess I chose those kids because they deserved to live lives that I couldn't have. They could savor the normalcy of it all. Go to school, get a job, date, marry, live. They wouldn't have the pressure of a "legacy" on their shoulders.

Sorry, I guess that's a little off-topic.

It was creepy the way Fintan was around me. He looked at me proudly like I was his son (ugh) and always told me I had great potential, but he never told me for what.

Potential to be evil, like him? Potential to do damage, like him? Potential to kill and injure without a care in the world, like HIM?

I am NOT like that. I care, maybe a little too much, maybe about the wrong things sometimes. But I care for the right people. I could never physically injure someone, let alone kill them, without feeling the guilt even before I've done it. Maybe that's what sets me apart from not only him, but from my parents, more specifically, my mom. I will never be like her,

I think my dad was right when he called me weak.

But maybe, just maybe, he's was wrong.

Would a weak person spend months in an organization that targeted his friends just so he could get information for them? Would a weak person risk their lives making an escape for the person they care about the most? Would a weak person care so much for someone that they would do anything for them?!

If all that makes you weak, then call me weak.

*

My second Keefe chapter! Sophie's chapter is in the works, I just wasn't quite sure how to do Sophie's chapter at first.

Enjoy, ~Kirs.